I was not even a part of your conversation but just wanted to say that I really needed to read this sentence today. Fucking gold thank you
I always try to remember that if I find myself regretting stuff, dwelling on past decisions or imagining "what could have been"... in my view, while regret is useful in a sense, as a way to learn and plan our future actions - that's as far as it goes, and we all need to remember that anything else is pining to live in another reality that, in this one, does not exist, and to be a version of ourselves that never existed, never could have existed. The way things happen is the path through time that makes us who we are, and all other paths lead to a person who is not us - and to wish to be them is to wish not to be yourself, not to have more, be more, have done more or anything else - just not to exist. That other version of your life that so many people waste time envying, ruminating about - is not real and was never going to be real. Reality will play out as it was always going to, and alternative versions of that reality do not exist, and alternate versions of ourselves - are not us. Just IMHO, of course.
Yeah... no doubt that would be sensible and I'm sure my therapist will say the same.... honestly just not sure if I can, at least not right now... I have about a month left before I'm leaving the company I've somehow become trapped in, despite massive stress for years, but in this last month at least I have some shit to finish up so as not to fuck myself on the way out... such is my un-augmented apathy towards any kind of work-oriented work (by which I mean... not just any work, but work specifically for my current job) seems almost physically impossible... my therapist has said "no time like the present, there will always be an excuse"... but I'm not sure I agree...
After finishing up my extremely inadvisable disso dalliances I'm most likely gonna stick to just benzos and amphetamine as augments for where sertraline doesn't help me enough, for now... that feels somehow less potentially headfucking at least... maybe I'll try though... I dunno. Equally I think in some ways I was pretty comfortable and happy with my previous life of occasional self-medication... and in a way, only sought out therapy to prove somehow to certain people in my life who cause me a lot of stress, even if unintentionally, that I was doing something to deal with my "drug problem", in the words of a certain person I plan to cut ties with as soon as I can... thanks for your input though. I'll see how I go.
I hope things have smoothed out over the last week. You’ve got a lot of heavy stuff going on.Posting a lot here recently it seems, feels like I should give someone else a turn...
As it happens anyway in answer to the thread question I feel somewhat frustrated, ambivalent, I dunno, also admittedly high courtesy of the amphetamine I've been doing for the last 2 days now and the benzos to balance out stim-induced anxiety.
Had a fucking shitty morning, Skyping my one time friend and business partner in the company I co-founded and am currently trying to leave, and, fuck, I tried to go into it calm but the guy is fucking intolerable. After listening to a tirade of insults about how I'm selfish, lazy, shitty at everything basically, I then had to weather a brief period of actually discussing the important shit we were supposed to be discussing, and then maybe an hour of refusing to be drawn into discussions about emotions and feelings. Guy is a fucking narcissist and I've learned for a long time now that I cannot have any interactions when I'm not psychologically somewhat stable, any emotional vulnerability is a weakness to be exploited. This time I just refused to be drawn into pointless bullshit, just stated my disagreement and that I had no interest in justifying it or influencing anyone else's story about their life. Apparently it's not all about me, I have a victim complex, am a drug addict (maybe true that one)... fuck me. It's not all about me, clearly, but seems to be all about someone. We just cannot understand each other at all anymore. Recently I've even been taking an etizolam or 2 prior to any such phone calls in an effort to better cope with all that fucking bullshit.
Have to meet (virtually) again this Saturday, then a day the following week, then maybe not for a while. Can't wait for this shit to be fucking over. One positive outcome though is that I might now be stepping back one month earlier than planned, will be paid less but fuck, no amount of money is worth this.
Followed that up with a therapy session, I like the guy and he has a good and rational manner but just can't get behind the "no substances" thing. He doesn't push it, tell me what I should be doing, just tells stories mainly, but the moral of them is clear. Although I do find it hard to relate to some of them coz of my addict-ego that I'm somehow too smart to ever develop a serious problem despite skirting the edges of many... I know that's not true of course, I could completely fuck up my life as easily as anyone. But, hopefully all will be OK.
Clearly haven't slept enough recently. Gonna sleep a lot tonight and try not to do any drugs tomorrow so I'm lucid for Saturday.
Much love everyone, thanks for reading, if you did.
I've been on and off Zoloft (sertraline) for over 20 years now. I suffer from depression, sometimes it's debillatating. Zoloft has been the only med that even comes close to helping me and I've tried many. I'm not saying that it's a miracle cure by any means. Many drugs I can't take because of horrible side effects. I too have kinda come to the conclusion that it's ok if I'm not the happiest person. We are all individuals and live our lives to the best of our ability at the time. Hang in there, I understand your struggle.
Sounds like you just had some asshole friends. I hope your three week trip helps you find some peace.
i plan on doing 50 ug on bicycle day then maybe 300 ug later that week but it depends how i feel. Or maybe just mdma later that week and save this LSD for a few more months or just take microdoses on the regular. Idk ill see how everything plays out on bicycle day. Plus if im tripping high doses on weekends that just isolates myself socially and this girl likes to just invite herself over on saturday nights.
