This evil drug destroyed everything i loved about myself. there’s nothing left. f**k MDMA, molly, ecstasy... whatever you want to call it. i had one life, one chance to do something special with my time in this existence and reality. i royally screwed my brain for life, nothing can be done to reverse what has happened to the neuronal and chemical structure of my brain. i long for the day i finally go through with killing myself. and if i don’t, i truly feel sorry for my future self. as i will have had to endure a life that is only a mere shadow of who i could’ve been. i ruined every last drop of potential i had on this planet and it kills me inside that one stupid, ignorant choice is all it took. i envy those who actually have hope for their lives after taking this drug, because it does nothing but wreck the brains chemical structure forever. whether you realize it or not. you can’t go back to how you were before, you can only compensate for what damages have been done. i hate that i’m too scared of death and even more-so that it’s my only true way out of this nightmare. the regret i face every waking moment of my life is absolute torture and i’m not sure if my broken mind can handle it for much longer. i don’t even know why i’m posting this because it’s not going to change anything at all... but whatever. i hate myself.
I actually can totally emphasise with much of what you day here, in terms of the desperacy of the pain of your emotions and mindset, feelings about death etc.
However- not in relation to MDMA. I took 3000-3500 MDMA pills myself 1996-2005.
I had some periods of darkness, deptession, cognitive dysfunction etc, and at times what would be, to anyone without an incredibly strong mind, downright terryfying in terms of actual physical, physiological and psychological symptoms.
However bizarrely I did not record experiencing this to any noticeable bothering or disturbing degree by 2005 when I was forced to stop taking all MDMA due to developing long-term Lyme disease which completely destroyed my life as it was and it has never been the same since.
I do not consider myself at all currently to be suffering as a result of my MDMA abusage despite the facts I totally obliterated and trashed my brain and serotonergic system.
But the way you describe feeling that sense of Despair and hopelessness and desperation is what I experienced myself daily due to the extremely high level of pain and suffering I am enduring due to long-term illness and the most severe allergies and Incredibly severe chronic recurring respiratory infections due to Total immune destruction from Lyme disease.
Add in an extremely severe anxiety disorder with long-term clinical depression which I guess yes I have to accept is directly related at least in part to the damage I did to my serotonergic and neurotransmitter system with MDMA abusage.
But
@Shmizz my point I wish to make you is you've given us no details or context as to how long you have been taking MDMA how often what doses when you last took it etc?
I mean if you were to tell me that you have been on some heavy benders fairly recently and even several months ago and are still feeling deeply depressed and not yourself in many ways I would say to you just hang in there because it's actually very early days yet and you can never know what will happen and how are you will feel in the future sometimes it is part of a process to go to the absolute Rock Bottom levels of Despair and bleakness but that does not mean that everything cannot be renewed again in time.
I genuinely believe that and like I say say I don't walk around feeling depressed or even regretful about my own MDMA abuse and damage because if my life destroying illness and allergies were cured tomorrow I would be jumping for joy in "ecstasy" at life lol!
Hanging there my friend maybe add a few more contextual details and facts that way you will without question received much better and more appropriate advice and feedback.
But without the MDMA