JamieMolly
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2019
- Messages
- 3
I had been suffering from depression following the death of my mother but something changed during the summer last year and I actually went completely the other way following some good things happening in my life and for the following 3/4 months felt incredible. I was massively engaged with life, trying new hobbies, socializing, reading and I couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning and even just very simple things like taking a walk in nature gave me incredible joy. It did feel like I may have tipped over into being manic (I had no idea what this even was till I did some reading after). Things like music would connect on an incredibly deep level and often books provided the same reaction. tbh, I couldn't remember ever feeling happier in my life and I felt like I was on a very mild dose of MDMA every day. Drugs hadn't been a part of my life for a good 3 years prior to all this but during this period I was out at a gig and was offered a pill which I took and had a great night, I rolled again less than a week later and this is when my mood dipped and never recovered.
I spent the next 6 months in absolute hell suffering from suicidal thoughts, anxiety etc but have slowly climbed out of it. Cut out all drugs, alcohol, started exercising regularly and eating well. Things improved slightly each month in a nonlinear pattern but I was feeling a good bit better by around March. I decided to take a new job in a new city in the hope that getting out of my comfort zone would facilitate breaking my mind free from the routine and patterns that facilitate staying in the same frame of mind. This has also helped massively and I am now in a much better place. It is almost exactly one year since all this started.
I am not sure though at this point where to go from here. All anxiety/suicidal thoughts have completely gone and I function day to day on a pretty high level. My concentration is back to near normal. Some days I don't even register any of this but I think that is generally down to routine and just functioning on autopilot but when I catch enough space to give myself thinking time the fact something is wrong plays on mind but I have become good at ignoring it while life overall lacks a sense of happiness.. My range/depth of emotional feeling just hasn't returned to anywhere near normal and my interest in many things is still forced. I don't find the same kind of joy in reading/music two of my favorite things in life. I still do them but they don't touch my soul in the ways they would have in the past. It sometimes feels like going through the motions than actually enjoying them. Quite a lot of life actually feels like this. A sense of disconnection and lack of presence just living in the moment.
Do I just need to give it more time or should I think about an SSRI? Will this maybe do more harm than good? What about something like St. John's wort as a middle ground? I just feel lost as I always felt like I have been taking practical steps to keep improving but life is turning now into a bit of a grind where I can't see the corners being turned anymore. Thanks for any replies.
I spent the next 6 months in absolute hell suffering from suicidal thoughts, anxiety etc but have slowly climbed out of it. Cut out all drugs, alcohol, started exercising regularly and eating well. Things improved slightly each month in a nonlinear pattern but I was feeling a good bit better by around March. I decided to take a new job in a new city in the hope that getting out of my comfort zone would facilitate breaking my mind free from the routine and patterns that facilitate staying in the same frame of mind. This has also helped massively and I am now in a much better place. It is almost exactly one year since all this started.
I am not sure though at this point where to go from here. All anxiety/suicidal thoughts have completely gone and I function day to day on a pretty high level. My concentration is back to near normal. Some days I don't even register any of this but I think that is generally down to routine and just functioning on autopilot but when I catch enough space to give myself thinking time the fact something is wrong plays on mind but I have become good at ignoring it while life overall lacks a sense of happiness.. My range/depth of emotional feeling just hasn't returned to anywhere near normal and my interest in many things is still forced. I don't find the same kind of joy in reading/music two of my favorite things in life. I still do them but they don't touch my soul in the ways they would have in the past. It sometimes feels like going through the motions than actually enjoying them. Quite a lot of life actually feels like this. A sense of disconnection and lack of presence just living in the moment.
Do I just need to give it more time or should I think about an SSRI? Will this maybe do more harm than good? What about something like St. John's wort as a middle ground? I just feel lost as I always felt like I have been taking practical steps to keep improving but life is turning now into a bit of a grind where I can't see the corners being turned anymore. Thanks for any replies.