Spackeradder
Bluelighter
Spacker -- it's always good when you want to beat an addiction, to look back on a slip up and say, "it wasn't even that good." Makes it easier to keep on w/ your effort.
I wish this was how I felt... instead...
Nothing like a shitty lapse, it just makes you want to go back and do it right.
Wham, bam, thankyer' ma'me. Been over to old mate's house a few times looking to score... only reason I'm sober right now is bad luck. One of those days were scoring is a real hassle. The switch has been flipped.
I mean, as neversick said, the beast lies, and it lies well... smooth, well-rehearsed lies, top-notch salesman's pitch style. On the other hand... the idea of a good, proper taste -- a nice fat shot or a big ol' puff... Chriiiist. I'm honestly considering just giving up and diving right back into the game. I'm losing the heart I had for this mission. I can't explain it... the will has just drained away. I just want to get high.
Spack it's ok don't be too hard on yourself! You didn't "blow it", you made a mistake - a mistake that you can learn a lot about yourself and this process from! I would try writing about this if I were you. I'd write about what happened, how/why it happened, what I was thinking, how it made me feel, etc. Also write a detailed description of the disappointment and whatever else negative that you feel right now.
That's part of it -- I feel like I can't write or do anything creative unless I'm flying. And do you know how much writing I get done when I'm off my head?
None. Not a word. I just sit there, and get higher and higher. But I DID get some writing done two days ago... so I should keep sober. I don't know.
I really have no clue what tonight's going to bring. Or tomorrow.