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March Getting Clean Thread v. If I can do it, you can too!

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Just A Guy said:
Spacker -- it's always good when you want to beat an addiction, to look back on a slip up and say, "it wasn't even that good." Makes it easier to keep on w/ your effort.
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I wish this was how I felt... instead...

Space Firebird said:
Nothing like a shitty lapse, it just makes you want to go back and do it right.
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Wham, bam, thankyer' ma'me. Been over to old mate's house a few times looking to score... only reason I'm sober right now is bad luck. One of those days were scoring is a real hassle. The switch has been flipped.

I mean, as neversick said, the beast lies, and it lies well... smooth, well-rehearsed lies, top-notch salesman's pitch style. On the other hand... the idea of a good, proper taste -- a nice fat shot or a big ol' puff... Chriiiist. I'm honestly considering just giving up and diving right back into the game. I'm losing the heart I had for this mission. I can't explain it... the will has just drained away. I just want to get high.

caseface99 said:
Spack it's ok don't be too hard on yourself! You didn't "blow it", you made a mistake - a mistake that you can learn a lot about yourself and this process from! I would try writing about this if I were you. I'd write about what happened, how/why it happened, what I was thinking, how it made me feel, etc. Also write a detailed description of the disappointment and whatever else negative that you feel right now.
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That's part of it -- I feel like I can't write or do anything creative unless I'm flying. And do you know how much writing I get done when I'm off my head?

None. Not a word. I just sit there, and get higher and higher. But I DID get some writing done two days ago... so I should keep sober. I don't know.

I really have no clue what tonight's going to bring. Or tomorrow.
 
^^ Don't necessarily have to be creative with it, just write about how you feel, what you did today, what you could have done different, what your goals/plans are, etc.

another 24.
 
caseface99 said:
^^ Don't necessarily have to be creative with it, just write about how you feel, what you did today, what you could have done different, what your goals/plans are, etc.

another 24.
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Last night I bought a point. I smoked it all and saved none for today. It was good gear. When we ran out of shard and tobacco we killed time crawling the streets, picking up choice butts for the session -- we mix tobacco with our pot, always. Then we smoked the mix. I remember feeling desperate and calmly terrified all night, like I was being chased, like I was losing something vital. I was never high enough. The thirst is unquenchable. Now I'm starting to comedown... the sun is vicious but I am cold.

The usual thoughts and feelings -- guilt, regret, anger... the desire to do it all over again. Already mentally made the plans... old mate owes me 60, there's an extra kick... exhausted, and stiff.

Been thinking... addiction strips you bare, down to the marrow. Bites down to your core and then gives you that thing people get lost in and lost without -- definition. You know where you stand and who you are... among all the confusion and self-hatred you have definition and purpose. It's not only an escape from life, it is life, reduced to the most basic mathematics. It's freedom in a cell, which is all anyone can really ever ultimately hope for.

I am miserable as an addict... and so goddamn comfortable in my misery.

Eurgh.
 
Spackeradder said:
Been thinking... addiction strips you bare, down to the marrow. Bites down to your core and then gives you that thing people get lost in and lost without -- definition. You know where you stand and who you are... among all the confusion and self-hatred you have definition and purpose. It's not only an escape from life, it is life, reduced to the most basic mathematics. It's freedom in a cell, which is all anyone can really ever ultimately hope for.

I am miserable as an addict... and so goddamn comfortable in my misery.
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I relate to this so much spack... Thats exactly how I feel about addiction. I STILL think about it that way sometimes, I know it's miserable and it's not worth going back to but at the same time I crave the simplicity of it all... If I'm using there is only ever ONE thing I need to worry about, ONE goal when I wake up in the morning, only one thing you ever have to do is hustle money to cop drugs. Accomplishing that makes nothing else matter, the daily grind becomes your identity as everything else fades into the background until eventually everything else fades entirely from your existence and the ritual of it all becomes your very identity.

This is how I know the addict part of my brain is clinically insane - because despite how horribly and utterly miserable that existence is, it still sounds tempting to me. Not just tempting, but comforting. I know it's all an illusion and no matter how miserable you can get while sober it will never be as miserable as you could be while using, and that's why I keep fighting for my life and doing this thing.

296 days.
 
^^
That's exactly it, Case. Exactly.

The simplicity and comfort of a good ritual... a going-through-the-motions existence and identity... it's almost beautiful, isn't it? In a twisted, illusory way. I'm always at my "happiest" when I'm still going through a baggy... always smoke it in the same OCD manner, always crush the largest, purest rock into two pieces... always sit in the same damn spots, if I can. Pull the same hairs, always tap an shake my foot.

Nothing more comforting than a good ritual. Nothing feels safer or more familiar. Reminds me of when I first realised I wasn't getting high to get high anymore, I was getting high for a fix.

Heh, clinically insane is right. I have a sober friend who just cannot comprehend why me and my friends do what we do. From her perspective, we're all psychotic nutters with zero sense of priority. And she's right, you're right, it is insane. Stone-cold ass-backwards crazy. Goddamn sick in the head, us addicts. Lunatics.

----

Got some sleep and I'm feeling much better. So far I've been sober today, though I kinda cheated by virtue or riding out the last of the meth buzz then passing out for 4 hours on the couch. Iggy Pop is going to see me through the night.

"Some weird sin just to relax with..."
 
That's great that you got some sleep and your staying sober for today, keep it up! Tomorrow is another day, just keep adding them up one at a time. :)


And you and I literally have the exact same thoughts on this; I was literally going to put in my post that the "simplicity of it all, the ritual of addiction, is actually sort of beautiful in a sense" - But I didn't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to sound like I'm/we're glorifying using at all, because while it may be some sort of sick and twisted form of "ritualistic beauty" it is still a sick, twisted, fucked up, miserable, ass-backwards and completely bonkers way of looking at addiction that only someone as fucked up in the head as we are could fathom. 8(


And on that note, I'm going to bed. It's late - big day tomorrow. Finish getting my shit together in the morning, clean the place and roll out. My last night in the place I've been living since the day I got out of rehab 9 months ago - feeling a bit nostalgic right now. Staying with some friends for the weekend, and then spending 6 days in a tent in this woman's back yard. Not sure what I'm doing after that yet, got a bit more then a week to figure it out though.
 
Okay, I've finally got some upward momentum. Accepted a job offer today for a full-time position that starts in six weeks and pays more per hour than my current job, which won't let me work full-time anyway. So I'm going to be working the new job full-time and my current job 10-12h on the weekends starting at the end of next month. This new job only lasts five months or so, but during those five months, I'm going to be making good money. Working a lot, but making a lot. And I'll have two solid, recent references come autumn, so I'll start looking for the next step at the end of the summer. But if this goes as planned, I'll basically be able to start completely living on my own accord again. I can put my piercings back in, practice my spirituality openly and so on. Won't be at the mercy of miserable people who look down on me at all. So this is very good, I hope that nothing goes wrong.

This cannot come at a better time, as earlier this week I was, though downplaying it to friends, really staring some desperate financial choices in the face. So at least that won't happen. Now I just have to figure out how to get an apartment in my own name with terrible credit, a record and no co-signer.
 
I had an awful day.. got off work at 3am this morning got to bed at 5am, was woken up at 8 by the director of the sober house i lived at. He walked in my room and saw an ashtray, immediately told me and my roomies to pack our shit and leave, (0 tolerance for smoking in the facility) Got a ride back to Columbus my hometown which is 3 hours away, from my roomie (whose now facing jail time for getting kicked out) got to my friends parents house who had paid for my treatment they were gonna let me stay and work there until i worked things out with my parents..
My "friend" got home from work and flips out on me accuses me of using saying that was why i got kicked out, i offered to call the facility to validate my story and offered to buy and take a piss test. His parents told him "whether you like it or not he's (me) staying" he said "if he stays im moving out" He had his mind made up and started throwing personal insults about my past we nearly got physical i restrained myself out of respect from his parents.. (he is an alcoholic/poly-addict in the midst of his own progression)

So i leave, homeless again like i was before i went to treatment except this time i have 5 months sober. I broke down im not afraid to say i balled my eyes out, my best "friend" wouldn't take my word/believe me or give me a chance, i asked god why he was testing me like this, then realized it wasn't meant to be..

My sis ended up picking me up hours later and i ended working out a living situation with my grandparents in Dayton. So i lost my job because i lost a place to stay in the area, was kicked out of two different houses travelled over 400 miles and by the grace of god im still sober.

Sorry for the rant i had to get this off my chest..

no matter how hopeless the situation is if you have faith in a god/higher power he/it will provide for you
 
caseface99 said:
And you and I literally have the exact same thoughts on this; I was literally going to put in my post that the "simplicity of it all, the ritual of addiction, is actually sort of beautiful in a sense" - But I didn't want to be misunderstood. I don't want to sound like I'm/we're glorifying using at all, because while it may be some sort of sick and twisted form of "ritualistic beauty" it is still a sick, twisted, fucked up, miserable, ass-backwards and completely bonkers way of looking at addiction that only someone as fucked up in the head as we are could fathom. 8(
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Oh, absolutely. Should have made that disclaimer last night... I wasn't glorifying drug addiction. Well, maybe I was, actually, but that was a side-effect of the speech, not the intent. Remember kids, just say no!

Not entirely sober tonight. Not munted, but I needed to take the edge of. A shot of vodka every 30 minutes or so. I keep taking steps back, I know. Payday is coming up. Worked it out with a good lass, she'll be holding onto my money for me, bless her. Hope I can't convince her to... y'know, give it back.

------

Agnostic, that all sounds fucking rough, man. I have no fucking clue how you got through all that sober. No clue. Well done.

I don't think a recovery house should be so fucking cold. Of course you're gonna smoke, Jesus, what else are you gonna do? Least you had the decency to use an ashtray, eh?
 
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@Speaker i had to just take it one moment at a time, although at times i got overwhelmed by everything. I forgot to mention i picked up my paycheck before i left Cleveland. So i was sitting on guap the whole ordeal .

And your only allowed to smoke on the porch and roof but it was an unspoken trust between 3/4 guys and house fathers the you could smoke in your room at night. The director is no bull shit hard ass though he averaged 2 kick outs a week in a house of 50-60 dudes
 
Im starting to have allot of stuff on my plate.. I need to keep working through everything.. I hate stress so i need to keep my exercise up and remember to keep myself in the moment as much as possible. I need to just break everything down into simple tasks, plan my time and stick with the plan. was all sorts of in the future with my thoughts the last couple days and it was stressing the fuck out of me.. have to remind my self that im done making myself miserable.

So i guess Im going to journel a bit and get myself focused back into a good place, I also have become a little complacent and have been skipping some important things.. so back to meditation as well.

Hope you guys are a;ll doing pretty good today.
 
TheAgnostic said:
I had an awful day.. got off work at 3am this morning got to bed at 5am, was woken up at 8 by the director of the sober house i lived at. He walked in my room and saw an ashtray, immediately told me and my roomies to pack our shit and leave, (0 tolerance for smoking in the facility) Got a ride back to Columbus my hometown which is 3 hours away, from my roomie (whose now facing jail time for getting kicked out) got to my friends parents house who had paid for my treatment they were gonna let me stay and work there until i worked things out with my parents..
My "friend" got home from work and flips out on me accuses me of using saying that was why i got kicked out, i offered to call the facility to validate my story and offered to buy and take a piss test. His parents told him "whether you like it or not he's (me) staying" he said "if he stays im moving out" He had his mind made up and started throwing personal insults about my past we nearly got physical i restrained myself out of respect from his parents.. (he is an alcoholic/poly-addict in the midst of his own progression)

So i leave, homeless again like i was before i went to treatment except this time i have 5 months sober. I broke down im not afraid to say i balled my eyes out, my best "friend" wouldn't take my word/believe me or give me a chance, i asked god why he was testing me like this, then realized it wasn't meant to be..

My sis ended up picking me up hours later and i ended working out a living situation with my grandparents in Dayton. So i lost my job because i lost a place to stay in the area, was kicked out of two different houses travelled over 400 miles and by the grace of god im still sober.

Sorry for the rant i had to get this off my chest..

no matter how hopeless the situation is if you have faith in a god/higher power he/it will provide for you
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Good work on keeping sober through what was a very real trial.
And good on your sis for trusting you and taking you in.

Good luck friend.
 
My birthday is getting closer, it's next weekend and I am getting nervous as to what might end up happening.. Thinking positive thoughts positive thoughts...
 
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