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Loneliness

Your words mean a lot to me as well. Sounds like your experience with Mdma has been less potent than mine, I feel empathy to each and every human to the point that I won't even need to start conversation because random people, including hot girls will be cosmically attracted to my vibes and initiate it themselves. So when I first took Mdma I ended up taking it every weekend for 4 months due to this loneliness issue, in 2010. The best shot I have at getting a girl is when I'm rolling, I have some really potent crystal in my possession and if I don't find someone by summertime I'm going to start taking it again because I don't think I'm capable of spending another summer alone. I don't want to abuse my body too much anymore but I don't really have a choice as I am rotating around this black hole at near light speed but slowly getting sucked in closer and closer to singularity as time goes on. So it's like I'm allowing my brain to take a hit in order for there to be a small chance at finding love. Mdma is wicked though in moderation, and it's been nearly a year... I know I'm going to be able to moderate it just fine, it's not an issue. I shall take light doses of it, 50mg, under ideal situations where there will be girls around, not to trip out hard just for the openness that makes a world of difference when I'm around girls. I may as well make use of a chemical like this that I also immensely enjoy using.

As for the pot... I'm over 2 weeks off it. I need it in my life though. The thing about me is that I have a total lack of male ego dominance characteristics. That's why I can't get girls. And when I smoke weed this is amplified. It's not much of a problem, but apparently in this "command and conquer" society nice humble guys like me get nowhere. I'm going to risk smoking a joint today, but to be honest it's not much of a risk. I mean, it makes me pretty stupid when I smoke it all day, and I am certainly aware of that fact at this point. But when I smoke it once every 10 days, I have a mystical, euphoric experience that actually boosts my self esteem and helps me connect with the clear light of the void. I've been really lonely lately and burning one down today is going to be a joyous activity.

edit - just saw your post kerrigan. It was great advice. Man, the thing about me is that I initiate charming conversation all the time with strangers when I'm not stoned, but when I smoke pot all day I lose this ability. So drugs are in no way ruining my life, but when I smoke weed all day I lose the ability to initiate conversation with strangers. I need to learn to moderate it because I love weed and can't quit totally. I don't think it's as easy as you say for someone like me though, because this loneliness is constantly eating me alive. If I had been with a girl in recent memory, then I think things would be much easier, but this loneliness is a barrier between myself and them. I am lonely because I am lonely because I smoke too much pot that makes me passive natured. I have a total lack of confidence because I don't even know what hooking up with them is like. The problem with me is the girl problem itself - I am a really social, outgoing guy by nature, half introvert half extrovert, but around the opposite sex I become tremendously sad, not to mention angry, because being alone for so long HAS COMPLETELY FUCKED MY HEAD UP. Like man, I have daily suicidal thoughts because of this. I wish I was dead and I see myself as a total failure although I have a badass engineering degree, and I am a fitness beast with so much going for me. I am in fact most likely going to slit my wrists because of this.

And I do think the legion of girls is flawed. I am somewhat of an anarchist - I mean I try to avoid these "isms" and use fuzzy logic - but the way society has shit set up, is to stamp out open minded humble people like me. These girls go out to bars and find the first abercrombie, closeminded beer bellied fuck that talks to them. That's why the world is so fucked up in the first place, nice guy genes like mine don't get propagated. Girls have selected the male ego dominance traits that result in greed, widespread alcohol abuse, and warfare. Command and conquer, capitalist mind controlling fucks. Fuck society.
 
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I can relate 100% to this whole thing. I'm 24, a virgin, never had a romantic relationship, been getting high daily for years now (with some breaks of varying duration in-between). I'm totally introverted but I can hold conversations when I have to and even end up getting liked by others. But it's become an unconscious part of me to avoid human contact and connection as much as possible, except sometimes when I force myself to meet some friend even when I doubt that I really need to.

This really used to worry me, I used to feel that I had some defect in me that kept me from connecting with other humans. I don't think that anymore, I try not to think over it too much anyway. I think, this is who I was, who I have been all my life, and it just took me an abnormally long time to come to terms with it. Now I've been isolated for months and months. I used to crave open honest conversations but now I don't have that desire to talk or open up or anything, ever. I guess it's kind of like a wall in my head. I don't get depressed about being alone and lonely anymore. I always keep myself occupied, even if I have to read an ebook on my phone with one hand while doing everything else with my other hand. I don't let myself think about the loneliness. Last month I took a week long break from hash and I didn't get the depressive mania I always get when I take a break.It's like I've accepted and come to terms with my loneliness. I still think about love, from a very detached perspective (because the closer I'll get to feelings related to love and all that, the higher the risk of getting depressed and crazy), and I'd jump at the chance to have a real relationship with a girl. But then I'd probably avoid any girl in the first place, so it'd have to happen with a stranger during some tense moment, like a hostage situation or a building on fire or something like that.
 
just took a resin hit and I feel sooooooooooo good, so relaxed. I just gotta keep torturing myself in these yoga postures cause it trains me to be cool with my existence :^)

ok. this is the best possible description i can give of my problem:

lol, smoking weed makes me realize how crazy i've become haha. I'll have pleasant conversation with anyone random unless she's a potential mate. Then it's a barely audible "hi." But if the potential mate talks to me then I typically react in a cool and open way. It's rare when they talk to me though due to cultural gender roles. I find it painfully difficult to transcend my ever so common reaction to this type of visual stimulus, it just, like, shocks my system and makes me flee from my senses. I can't figure out how to change this type of behaviour, I mean, the only way out is to not give a fuck. But I've tried that, nothing makes it happen apart from taking Mdma, or when I am in the afterglow of an LSD or mushroom experience. I'm really social around anyone else, it is just the saddest thing that I have such a total lack of self confidence whenever I see a cute girl. And it doesn't make any sense I have so much going for me and I am hot, it's entirely due to imprints my past has left on my psyche. I am very open with my sexuality as well no issues there. It's like, I've met so many of them and none has ever loved me so I have fallen into this paranoia ridden hole, I feel rejected. I'm not all that sure how I ended up here - I think that in part it took me a while to mature growing up, my parents were very strict throughout my upbringing and sometimes made me feel like I was doing wrong, and I've been abused emotionally by mean girls... I mean, there are always an infinite number of reasons assigned various weighting factors.

So that is the root of my problems, I have other problems but they all stem from this. I'm def gonna give the acid and mdma another shot, but hold off for as long as possible. But every time I encounter a cute girl I collect another regret.
 
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I have found that the absolute surest way to get one's needs met by other human beings is to concentrate fully on meeting their needs as much as possible; ironically, concentrating on pushing past someone else' anxiety, isolation and loneliness, ends one's own. Feeling our own needs so acutely that we build walls to protect ourselves is just deepening the cycle we perpetuate with each other.

While I totally respect accepting loneliness as a part of life, even learning to mine it for wisdom and creativity, accepting it as your only experience seems self-defeating. We all have different levels of comfort with loneliness as well as with other people. It is admirable to find your own level and honor it. <3
 
herbavore said:
I have found that the absolute surest way to get one's needs met by other human beings is to concentrate fully on meeting their needs as much as possible; ironically, concentrating on pushing past someone else' anxiety, isolation and loneliness, ends one's own. Feeling our own needs so acutely that we build walls to protect ourselves is just deepening the cycle we perpetuate with each other.

While I totally respect accepting loneliness as a part of life, even learning to mine it for wisdom and creativity, accepting it as your only experience seems self-defeating. We all have different levels of comfort with loneliness as well as with other people. It is admirable to find your own level and honor it. <3
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Whilst I concede that this could certainly be a viable way to ensure the fulfilment of your needs, it is HIGHLY dependant on the other person and his or her type of needs. If you choose the wrong person this is a sure-fire way to get your still beating heart ripped out of your chest, set aflame by being dipped in burning thermite and then surgically bonded back into your chest with a small supply of compressed oxygen installed to ensure that the flames continue to burn perpetually. I speak from very painful and very real experience.

For about 6 months during my last friend-zone episode I was dedicated to doing whatever I could to ensure that a woman I cared greatly for was not buried by the loneliness and social-terror that plagued her. I did not pursue my agenda of love in the slightest, instead focusing on helping this incredible creature heal, realising that there could be no romantic relationship between us as long as the foundation (our mutual yet independent emotional baggage) was so shaky. In recognition for my considerable efforts ... which caused me no end of emotional pain I might add ... I was abandoned as soon as a newer, more exciting source of "need fulfilment" was discovered by my erstwhile charity case. Not only that but I was accused of actively trying to sabotage her happiness when, in fact, I had been doing the exact opposite for 6 very long months!

I was used as an emotional snot-rag and when a cleaner, fresher square of metaphorical cloth came along I was emotionally abused to the point where the only thing I could do to avoid emotional breakdown was withdraw from the relationship ... the ultimate, if not necessarily conscious, aim of my so called friend I suspect. It was the relationship equivalent of a choke hold ... either tap out or die. In short, pick the benefactor of your efforts very, very carefully otherwise this is simply a prolonged and drawn out way of hurting yourself. It would be quicker and, in the short term, more emotionally rewarding to just start cutting yourself instead of bestowing your radiance upon the wrong person*.

As for the acceptance of loneliness ... I went through a phase where I had convinced myself that it was my manifest destiny to be as completely and utterly miserable as possible so that others might have joy in their lives. I believed that it was my duty to be the loneliest creature on the planet so that in the grand balance of things my lack of happiness could enable others to find a sliver of joy. Needless to say this was a complete fantasy concocted by me to try to at least bring some meaning to a life full of misery and loneliness. While I am the last to prescribe self delusion, if you are in pain and have no alternatives, a small illusion like this can make life more bearable. Maybe this is irresponsible of me to recommend this but it did help me cope, and maybe it can help others cope. *shrug*

*Please note that I am not now, nor will I ever, advocate cutting yourself. I was merely using this as a shocking example of how badly picking the wrong person can turn out.
 
RedLeader said:
Man, I can sympathize with you about the lack of intimacy, and empathize with you on the lack of deep emotional connections with your preferred sex and with the whole self-doubt/sabotage. It can feel like a catch-22 in our society: you need confidence to get the girl, but you'd need to successfully get the girl to feel more confident. I struggled with that a lot when I was younger. And I know that you don't want to hear lines like "it actually could get worse," but now that I'm caught up in a host of legal, professional and developed psychological problems as a result of abusing various drugs trying to run from the condition you're in, I kinda now wish I could go back in time. I'm not trying to one-up you, no. I'm just letting you know that I tried to escape a situation like yours with a lot of drugs, and I found out the hard way that it can indeed get (a lot) worse. Be very careful. I don't like hearing you say things like "bring on the needles." Feeling like the woman next to you at the bar isn't into you at all sucks, but it's not like lying in a hospital bed as a result of your drug fuckup, while a beautiful young nurse (who doesn't need to sit at bars), full of life and ambition, changes your bedpan. And you think to yourself if I just kept doing the right thing, I might actually COULD have won this girl's heart... I cannot exactly tell you how it's worse, but IMO/IME it's 10000 times worse than the lady at the bar.

Another thing to worry about is that with this attitude, you are creating a scenario for a woman to come along and totally take advantage of you. I've been there, I admit it. A small minority of women will pick up on your low self-esteem and your extreme desire for companionship, play on it, and may well rope you along for whatever they actually want. Especially if you get that good job with your engineering degree, it's something of a perfect storm for this. I'm now trying to tell you to not be yourself, or to not open up on your feelings with women, but just be careful about wearing them on your sleeve.

Are you looking for just a hookup, or to actually find your soulmate? If you honestly feel like your life would greatly improve after a hookup or two, then I actually think that you could pull this off pretty easily, and you just might not be going about things in the most effective way. Finding your soulmate, on the other hand, is never exactly easy. I think a lot of us are still completely lost with respect to that.
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I see no reason for intimate relationships after sexual intercourse, and I ejaculate in her vagina, resulting in orgasm.

I have fucked myself up over drugs through the years. I do wish I could return back in time. To prevent my hospitalizations, about 10+ of them.

Certainly ruined my self-esteem. Not my self-confidence though.

Fuck me, I need to think about my own life...now, I'm light-dosing golden tops atm...fuck me, anxiety attack.

What you need is confidence!
 
I have confidence in every aspect of myself apart from when girls come around. I agree it's all I need, but I don't have it, and I never will until I hook up. Which is why my best shot is to start sniffing a little Mdma again in low doses under the right circumstances.
 
These girls go out to bars and find the first abercrombie, closeminded beer bellied fuck that talks to them. That's why the world is so fucked up in the first place, nice guy genes like mine don't get propagated. Girls have selected the male ego dominance traits that result in greed, widespread alcohol abuse, and warfare. Command and conquer, capitalist mind controlling fucks. Fuck society.
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Become one of these guys, then. Or, at the very least, consider dressing like them: you'll soon learn that a majority of these girls are not shallow and disgusting creatures who value little more than clothing labels and whether or not you are in possession of a six-pack. Girls are, well, human; they're like you, but in reverse, and you talk about women as if the template for all of them is what you describe in your quote -- it's not!

There are shy, cute and sexy girls who're still virgins and don't know how to approach guys just like yourself out there, but they probably don't go out partying because they probably lack party friends when compared with their number of shy, geeky, fan-fiction-writing friends.

Have you signed up for those sites yet? Message everyone and anyone on them. It's all for practice and you will not become comfortable talking to girls until you just do it. I'm sorry, but that's the only way! You're going to extravagant lengths to just be high when you meet women and they're just going to see you as someone who is high. I'm sorry, but the poster who said girls don't like drug users was right and it's going to be tough, but I suppose you should do whatever you feel will help.

Just... try to practice talking to girls; the cute ones and the other ones and try to fight your fears, yeah? I promise you: strangers aren't going to be tough to chat to and lots of people will like the fact that you're engaging them in conversation (as long as you're not interrupting them during something important, like hopping onto a pool table, standing in front of a dartboard or sneaking up behind them and their sniper rifle just after they've inhaled and have a foreign dignitary in their sights, etc) and it will go well. You can be funny: you're a stoner and stoners are funny. I mean that in the most positive way possible.

Good luck, man. I don't think you need the drugs, 'cause then "Oh, I'm going to be speaking to girls" -> "Need MDMA to do it!" -> "Wow, after snorting about 28grams of MDMA, total, over the last few months and using it daily, my head really feels bad." It's very impractical and you're not going to be able to use it on the spot: the key, ultimately though, is to finally get yourself talking to girls without the MDMA. So, maybe use less each time..?

Take care, bro. :-)
 
^This is excellent advice from Kerrigan and describes better than I probably will the perspective that I think could really help you which is this: girls are indeed human, every bit as scared and lonely as you sometimes. It is a dangerous thing that I have seen happen when one gender feels excluded by the other: blame and resentment set in and color the way the opposite gender is seen as a whole. When women say "men" do this or men do that, I think, "some" men. You desire connection with girls and then describe the entire gender in the most derogatory terms. (They are shallow, mean, flawed, etc.) Shallow people that cannot see past superficial image exist all over the gender continuum; ignore them! Be the kind of person you want to find.
 
I know exactly what you mean about loneliness. I'm in kind of the same situation. I don't have big muscles, but I'm not out of shape either. I'm 21 years old, not bad looking, am a talented writer of poetry and fiction, and I'm almost finished with my Computer Engineering degree. Low self esteem, anxiety, smoking too much pot, and basically not being comfortable with myself have contributed to it being a persistant problem. I feel alone all the time, like no one cares about me, even when friends are around. I completely agree with you about waiting until you find someone you love, and I'm the same way. If all I cared about was getting laid then I could have done it by now, because it's really easy to do so if you're a manipulative asshole like a lot of men are. I want it to mean something when/if it happens. It's not like the opportunity hasn't presented itself, either. I never realize that a girl is flirting (or whatever) until it's already over and the opportunity no longer exists. There were several times last summer when one of my single female friends tried to get me to stay at her place overnight, after being really flirty while hanging out, and I didn't realize what was going on until like a week later. I honestly don't think I can give you any useful advice since I'm in the same boat and am trying to figure it out myself. It helps to know that there are other people with the same problems. rave, I'm really glad you made this thread because it has made me feel better. I hope you (and everyone else who has posted here) find what you're looking for. <3
 
I can relate to that, I have had ample opportunity only to realize that opportunity was there after the situation has ended and I've blown my chance. It's like I freeze up or can't even believe it is happening or something, like it should be so blatantly obvious to me that these girls want me but I have become so passive natured that I literally won't ever do anything no matter what these chicks are presenting me with. I can't react quickly enough. And then I experience extreme anger sporadically for the rest of my life as each of these countless memories are aroused from time to time.

And I cannot be manipulative like that. I want one of these girls to know exactly who I am, how lonely I am and how little I deserve to be so. But knowing so just repels them away from me towards people who get laid all the time. Girls can't tell when I'm tripping on low dose mushrooms or any dose Mdma, and more chances come up when I'm high but like I said I need to learn to act on them which I think I have figured out at this point, I just don't go out anymore.

My biggest issue is regret. There were a couple stellar girls, very special girls who I've never met anyone like before, who I shared strong connections with, blew my chances with by being passive natured and I'll never see again. I'm sure they don't think of me often, if at all, but I think about these couple girls on a regular basis. It kills me to think of them. Who they've been with since then, how they would have been better off with me, how I'd be in such a better position right now, etc etc. How I should have 2 relationships under my belt with incredibly beautiful and unique women who clearly wanted me. This is the worst thing of all, not my lack of sex. It makes me so damn sad to think of them.

So I think a more appropriate name for this thread might be "regret". I just can't deal with some of my regrets.
 
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You're definitely not alone. I am in a very similar situation in many ways.
I just turned 20, i'm in great shape, I play guitar and do creative writing, i meditate, garden, write poetry, paint and sketch, I'm definitely fairly articulate and well-spoken, and a good sense of humor, and one of the least pushy, sensitive compassionate people I know.
Girls tell me that i'm "such an amazing guy, and so beautiful, and I listen so well" all the time. It gets old hearing that eternally like you're some kind of sexless object.

You aren't alone, friend.
 
This is definately more of a problem among compassionate, non-pushy men than it is for egos, which is one reason why this is total bs.

But then again many girls have been real interested in me and I have messed so many chances up out of ignorance, lack of experience. I had the opportunity to get laid soo many times by different girls, and the only thing that held me back was never making moves. I think this happened mainly out of paranoia, and how thinking I am invisible to girls has been deeply embedded in my belief system for a long time. So I might be alone in the sense that girls actually like me. Occasionally opportunities arise where girls certainly want to have sex with me, but I pass them up out of paranoia. I think at this point I have learned from these mistakes, but I am very isolated because I do not work or hang out with people.
 
Getting laid isn't the goal here, in my opinion. Being happy is, with or without a partner. Self happiness is attractive, sadly, and depressed energy isn't.
As hard as it is to make the change on your own, you have to turn the love you want to give in on yourself. I've said this to myself so many times, it's fucking damn near impossible. Especially when you accidentally fall in love with someone after telling yourself you were going to just love yourself for a while.

But in the end, we've chosen to be here, it's worth it to be here and be happy..
 
^that is very well put and such good advice, shadowman. The irony is that when that does happen, you do tend to get more of what you want out of relationships, too. <3
 
Ya I realize this, I have been working on selfless states of being. I spend a lot of time being still in yoga postures right. I read incessantly eastern mysticism and other thought provoking literature. and if I had romantic love at some point in the past, I feel being alone would be no issue at all. The only thing I want is love, but society is forcing me into putting all this shit I see as pointless ahead of it. And if I don`t get laid in 2 years, society doesn`t see any issue with that. I have always been a misfit, I need to be accepted by someone because I am so different from everyone I know. I don`t fit in.

I do have self confidence. I am more self accepting than the average person, as a wisdom seeking tripper. There is just this one thing that obscures it all from girls, and it is my loveless past. The ego is a very basic thing, and it responds to a total lack of love in a very basic way. If I cannot transcend my ego I am doomed, because at this point my ego is doomed to suffer.
 
Hey rave,

I'm 21 and have never actually been in a relationship. I am constantly attracting girls who seem to use me and fuck with me and then leave. That or I just myself end up blowing it. Perhaps out of fear. Self-sabotage, you know? But there is only one secret to all of this and as painful and hellish as loneliness can be, you will not get someone to Love you until you learn to Love yourself. Your 8-pack abs won't help you if you hate yourself. Believe me. The most beautiful gift you can give yourself in this time is confidence.

My only advice here is to stop basing your confidence on what other people think of you. To the cliche, notorious words of "The 40-year Old Virgin", stop putting the pussy on a pedastle. Switch the sides. Understand that YOU are a catch (yo, you've got an 8-pack and you're a nice guy :P ) and that any girl would be DAMN fucken lucky to have you. That's not a curse or a burden. That is your ammo! Don't change, but instead of looking for other people to Love you. Love yourself.

As cliche as this is gonna sound, if you're truely as nice and caring as you say you are, then if you learn to start loving Life again, you will attract them all. Confidence, or lack thereof, can be EASILY detected by the female gender. It is not the weed that is lady-repelant, it's your lack of self-esteem and your glim outlook on your Life. Please do your Self the favor of accepting and loving who you are and I GUARANTEE you'll find someone afterwards. :)

Peace, man. I'll be sending positive vibes. Do it for all the nice guys out there!
 
^ Great post. OP, I don't think a romantic relationship will necessarily bring to your life what you think it will. You're constructing expectations for something that will likely never exist and pity the poor person who won't meet them.

I think the regularity of weed use could be an issue though. I have known a few overly keen weed users and the sideeffects generally aren't appealing to most people.
 
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