Loneliness

[Vaya]

Hey there rave, I'd like to offer some thoughts to you - some things that came to mind as I was reading your posts.
You made a really important and beautiful statement when you wrote:

I would rather choose to hold out and suffer some loneliness until I find someone I really love.
Optimism is key.

I could not have written that better myself. You're absolutely correct when you say that you're not naive. If I understand your message correctly, though, suffering the loneliness is just eating you alive! And so I get the feeling that while your statement is honest and reflects (what I consider to be) the healthiest possible outlook on your situation, something about your perspective continues to injure your self-esteem and, along with it, your whole life. You have been blessed with more positive personal attributes than most people in this world can lay claim to; consider, now, why it is that that isn't enough to make you self-assured and happy.

The roughest periods of my life are when I've lost sight of what I have and spend my time thinking about what I don't have. The easiest way for such a situation to arise is when I begin to compare what I feel inside to what others show outside. Have you struggled with this ever? I got the impression that (like me) you might have when I read this part of your message:

i just wish i could figure out how to be happy, can't seem to get over the animal instinct part of myself that tells me i'm inferior to all other males.

Cut yourself a break! :D No shit that's easier said than done, but begin to give it some serious consideration. It's completely natural to want to fit into the gender roles our culture prescribes us. NOT fitting the mold precisely often leaves us feeling isolated and worthless - despite plenty of evidence to the contrary. It seems as though you've gotten yourself entangled within a messy web of personal expectations and unrealistic stereotypes that are surprisingly common amongst other young men. Happiness lies within oneself. And meaningful relationships, especially those where love is concerned, definitely have the potential to positively impact one's satisfaction. But the truth is, it's a supplementary impact, and a luxury that most people out there just don't have and/or cannot find easily! The most important thing I've learned throughout my trials and tribulations with the opposite sex is that I know I'm in a troubled space when I believe validation from a sexual relationship will make me a different person - as though such a thing were the keystone supporting my manhood. The reality is this: It Isn't. We can make complicated the simplest of things when we let our minds run with themselves in addition to the frustration of seeing others have what we want.

The most formative years of my life were spent single, without so much as a mere fuckbuddy - let alone a deep and pervasive connection with a female. Use what has happened in your past to brighten your prospects for the future - You met a woman in line at the airport that you had laughing and blushing (awesome)! That situation will present itself again - be it at the gym, in your career, meeting a friend of a friend, or picking out cantaloupe at the supermarket. You've got plenty of time ahead of you (I cannot emphasize that enough), and you obviously have great potential. There will always be disparity when one attempts to be both the Actor and Director in one's own life. Consider allowing life to happen to you, and be grateful for today. Today, you're a sensitive, educated, beautiful person. Your friends are off chasing the pipe-dream of ideal manhood with women that don't at all match what it is you're seeking for yourself. Do you really think that, by comparison, you're the lesser person?

Above all, love yourself! Without the bedrock of self-acceptance, little good (other than superficially boosting your ego) can come of entering into a sexual relationship. Smile once in a while, and give yourself credit for who you are. That alone will strengthen your self-esteem, which will be conveyed to others in all your endeavors.

~ vaya

 

[hgwells]

I have slept with so many guys when I was younger, and I still have problems- I love one night stands, but over the years, I just get lonelier and lonelier, and a quick fix for that is to go to some gay bar and hook up, and it goes round and round like that until I break down. Feeling lonely can happen even if you are in the intimate company of another- I have been in love a few times, then I screw it up, and then I miss them-
it's one of my biggest messes in my life.

anyways, all of these posts have helped me a lot in confirming some thoughts that were hard to entertain. The best I can do when I feel lonely, is cloud my vision with whatever substance I can get my sticky little fingers on. It's good to hear voices of reason, and I hope all of this helped the original poster as much as me- thank you everyone

 

[RedLeader]

rave_itsrealfun, I just wanted to give you props for making this thread. Look at how many people have replied, and how a lot of what you said resonates with the personal thoughts of others. But you were the one who had the humility to pour your heart out first to get the ball rolling. That's really cool, and I'm sure took a lot of guts. Keep taking initiatives in life like that, and even if you fall on your face a few times, you'll eventually be noticed in good ways. Women do love a man who takes initiative and has leadership qualities. You've got this!

 

[hgwells]

I second that

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

Thanks everyone. These are common feelings to us all possibly but to have them advance this far is certainly rare.

This definately has to do with self-assurance, when that was mentioned it really rang true. I was enough of a misfit before I started smoking weed and shrooming, and now since I read up on eastern mysticism, have studied physics, my neurochemistry is obviously pretty altered from drugs, I have just become a radically different person but random people still vibe with me moreso than previously. My family thinks I am crazy though because I smoke weed all day. My friends also think I am somewhat insane, they are potheads but when they hear the word lsd they think psych ward. So since I am so different and I have no family assurance (my family worries incessantly about me for no reason other than i smoke dope), and I have never had significant other assurance, and I also have not found a career job in quite a while and am looking hard, is partly how I ended up here. Plus some weed paranoia sprinkled on top since I burn like 5 grams a day. But I think I do have some self-assurance hidden underneath all this because I can trip out.

It's more that my energy is fucked up - sex energy shouldn't be repressed for so long or it has to become something else, which is anger to the ego, but it can also be transmuted to something like compassion if you are high or aware enough. Thing is everyone's an ego these days. So I'm spending all my time dealing with all this stuff and this sex energy takes a passive stance and biological instinct doesn't go with that so it makes itself heard.

I am def funny though, very funny, and this is something that is liked.

 

[Weldon]

what up rave_itsrealfun!!!,

After reading your initial post and the rest of this thread I think I am in a position to be able to offer some comment,
especially since you mentioned you are looking to chat with guys in similar situations. Well, a whole heaps of the things you mentioned in that first post sound very familiar - I could well have written many of the same lines about my own life so far.

I am about your age and have never had a relationship with a female, nor have I had any female friends. Essentially every
guy I have ever known and grown up around has been in and out of relationships since they were in their mid-teenage
years. For various reasons, this normal sexual/emotional development never happened for me, and now I find myself in the
present time as someone in their early-to-mid-twenties who has barely any experience with sexual relationships. And to be
fair, even though I have never been a complete loner or recluse, I don't have many male friends either, and never have had
many. I can't recall ever having a 'real conversation' with a female (or anyone), and have never felt any emotional
connection with a woman at all. So in this sense I think I can relate to much of what you are feeling. I could write an essay
detailing the reasons and feelings and perceptions that I have about this problem of mine, seriously. It is a constant feeling
that has negatively affected so many aspects of my life - in fact it has completely shaped me into who I am today. I am
totally convinced I could and should be so much more of a person than I am, but the weight of regret and loneliness is
making it hard to "move on" and do positive things. Whether or not this can ever really be overcome is something I am not sure of. The positive messages here are helpful, but regrets are a hard thing to shake - in fact, they can't be shaken, because you can't go back and change them. I guess if anything this should be the impetus for us to make the most of the present day…so as not to be burdened by regret as time passes. Almost all the regrets I have in this regard are for things I didn't do but know I should have - not things I actually did (if you get my meaning). The crazy thing is I am a very decent
person just like you are mate! I'm even good looking, if I do say so myself. I've had many a chance in my time, but have
always backed away and kept my distance from other people, especially women. Man, there is so much more to say about
all this but it's damn late - reply or hit me up with a message if you want to chat dude.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

just smokin a doob.

Yes sometimes I feel there is no way out and I am in hell and the point of my life is to learn how to transcend. There is too much synchronicity, random bad luck, just strange shit... I should have been laid so many times by so many great girls. I feel cursed. I must have done something terrible in a past life, or who knows, it is just my destiny to be this way. It is how I will be forced to find and accept an enlightened state of being. I am unsure if you believe in things beyond our control, but I know I was born to suffer in this way, well I don't know as I'm always unsure but that's how I feel sometimes, and the meaning of my life is to learn how to overcome it.

 

[hgwells]

Honestly I don't believe anyone really deserves to be caught in long lasting situations like this.

 

[Weldon]

I agree with hgwells, I don't think it's fair to say that you deserve it or that it is somehow your 'curse' or anything. In terms of transcending the problem via
the use of drugs, I would not recommend it. Shit could indeed get worse as RedLeader mentioned in reply to your first post. You did also seem to mention that the problems may be in some degree due you being high all the time? If there is an underlying issue that you are aware about you need to deal with that, rather than trying to escape it via drugs. But heck, I'm no authority on drug use anyway. Do you have many friends? How's your social life?

 

[hgwells]

Drugs can enhance certain situations- but there is always a dark side.
all of this makes me want to fall in love again
makes me want to find that special guy-
and not in some gay bar this time, lol.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

Time to start a good old Valentine's Day bender (the night before). My life juts got soooo much better I have been MISERABLE. Every waking moment. Mayube IU just need to become a drunk? UNtil this passes? and quit smoking so much dope... which is destroying me

Weldon, your inbox is full so I can't pm you back.

What have I done to deserve this fate? I'm just humble and passive natured around girls. Is that really so evil?

Is loneliness a recognized mental disorder? Just called depression I guess. I don't have any other issues. What would a psychologist typically do for someone who is extremely lonely?

Smoking this much weed exacerbates my depression and fries my brain, so I should cut back. I REALLY need to stop smoking weed at this point in my life. It's blatantly obvious to me that I am shy around girls when I am stoned, and able to interact with them better when I am sober. But I am too lonely and addicted to stop.

I didn't smoke any weed for 2 weeks recently and mentally, emotionally I was 1000% better. I was doing soo much better. Weed is honestly the devil. But another part of me loves it sooo much and can't wait to smoke a joint tomorrow morning before running to the gym to pump. What the fuck is wrong with me? Weed has fucked with me worse than all the other drugs I've done combined. I think if I could just stick to the psychedelics, without this compulsive grass smokin, I'd be fine.

My social life was epic in university I had soo many friends. I'm definately not a loner by nature although I have become one lately. I'm losing touch with all my friends, they say I've changed. I'm being phased out by my friends because my energy is so negative. Around here, I can hang out with my high school friends. It is so lame but having company still helps once a week or 2. They talk about girls a lot which I find extremely depressing and I am a misfit there.

What will become of me if I never get a girl? I have been sexually active for a very long time, what if this continues forever? I'm sure this summer will pass before I know it, and it will be another lonely one of course. I have already become pretty suicidal, I am not about to kill myself but daily suicidal thoughts have been the norm for a long time. I'm just saying I'm fucked up as it is, and things worsen with time, and I have been fucked up for a very long time. I'm worried that on one of these benders I might get blackout drunk and kill myself, I still get way too drunk once a month or so, and when I get drunk I become self-violent and miserable now. I know someone who got drunk and jumped out a 3 story window (survived) and I am far more miserable than him. It seems that I am more depressed than anyone I have ever met before. So it's fairly possible I'm going to end up killing myself in the not-so-near future as this problem continuously deepens and worsens. In fact I really wish somebody would put a bullet in my head.

If I couldn't get girls at a school that was 60% females, when I was going out more nights than I wasn't, then how am I ever going to get them in the future? I'm way more isolated now, pretty much the same guy, and I don't even take confidence boosting hard drugs anymore. I rarely drink booze cause it adds misery to my life, and because I have abused it so bad my body doesn't handle it anymore. Seems like girls only like meeting guys when they are out binge drinking. I used to see my rolls as the only time I ever had a shot at girls, which essentially is true. But whenever I go to a party or a bar, where there are girls, I drink like there's no tomorrow, I used to get the Mdma into me, I abuse my body and when I wake up with no girl as is always the case, then that is rock bottom despair. So I guess that is why I tend to be more antisocial now, I used to love partying.

I need cut the weed back to just a few joints per week, that would help me transition into someone bolder/more confident. Like it's just soooo obvious to me that I can talk to girls just fine when I'm sober, and I am such a timid little bitch when I'm stoned (smoking weed actually boosts my confidence when I use it in moderation. This is most likely why it destroys my self esteem when I abuse it). I have been stoned for nearly a decade so that is clearly why I don't get girls. But is the solution to quit at this point? It is too late for me to get girls, so I may as well accept my burnt out existence. Since I'm isolated, I may as well be stoned. It's good for me to shut the fuck up and be stoned, I'm not worth having a say, or wasting a girl's time trying to "get" her. I avoid the mania I experience when I get off the dope like a plague.

I'm going to start cutting back but I will need mad joints for Valentine's Day. That is always the most miserable day of the year for me.

 

[4sak3n]

*snip to preserve poster's integrity*

Perhaps I am being overly sensitive and bitchy but that is just fucking mean! You come on to the thread, offer no advice or even support and instead shove your success and happiness in the OP's face? Classy. Just kick him in the nuts why don't you?

Or, instead if this is a ridiculously and totally inappropriately subtle way of intimating that good things come to those that wait ... well, don't do such a half-assed job next time. Also, I'm sorry for flying off the handle.

Meanwhile, back at the Bat Cave:

rave, I identify so fucking much with your words. Wrestling with what felt like soul devouring loneliness a few nights ago I actually started writing a post very similar to yours. I got a quarter of the way into it and was overcome by apathy and ennui thinking: 'Why even bother?' Now, however, your story has inspired me to write a bit about what I have been going through. You did say that you wanted to talk to others going through what you are, yes?

I am pretty much in the same boat as you except I'm much, much worse off than you. Let me give you some background on myself. I am 26 years old heterosexual male, never had a girlfriend, never been in a romantic relationship and am a complete and utter virgin. The closest I have come to any sort of sexual relationship was two nights of guilt-induced makeouts.

Unfortunately for me my potential-partner-credentials are not nearly as glowing as yours. In short, I am fat, ugly and a complete social retard. I have always been overweight but luckily I have also always been tall so my height has hidden the extra weight well. Recently though, due mostly to a change in my lifestyle and a lot of weed and the accompanying munchies, I have put on a LOT of weight. So much so that my lower abdomen, man-boobs and groin are almost completely hidden by big, fat, ugly, red and purple stretch marks. You can barely see any untouched skin at all. I have tried on multiple occasions to lose weight by a myriad of techniques but never had [much] success.

I am ugly. Butt ugly. Oh, the things like the nascient unibrow, jungle of nose hair and crooked teeth are all fixable but even once those are taken care of (as they have been in the past) my reflection in the mirror makes me want to puke. I know what you are thinking ... dysmorphic disorder. But I can assure you that this is not in my head. For instance, just today I came across a demotivational poster ridiculing an ugly, acne ridden nerd for being just about as ugly as a horse's ass. If you take away the pimples and bad skin he could have been my twin brother! Added to this is the lifetime's worth of disgust, dismay and demeaning jokes heaped upon me by people and, more importantly, by females that I have as proof that I am about as attractive as dead cockroach corpse decomposing on top of a dog turd.

I am the classic definition of an introvert. Most people think they know what 'introvert' and 'extrovert' mean but often they a mistaken and have some sort of a pop-culture, media-influenced twisted view on what they mean. You're welcome to look up the Wiki entry on it or whatever your favourite reference medium is but for now I'll just tell you the simplified, dumbed-down definition that my therapist and I have been working with in our sessions. An extrovert is someone who gains energy from social interaction and an introvert is someone who has to put in energy into social engagements. A parallel to chemistry's endothermic and exothermic reactions if you will. Most people sit somewhere on a continuum between the two extremes but I am almost 100% complete and utter introvert. So much so that I eschew nearly all forms of social interaction, don't have any friends and have abandoned all of the hobbies which I love and adore (scuba diving, MtG and metal gigs to name a few). I could ramble on and on about just how much I detest having to deal with people however this post is meant to be a bitchfest and whine session and I shall soon touch on this again when I mention the 'chicken and egg' syndrome my low self esteem is rooted in. Suffice it to say that I rarely meet people and when I do I rarely make any sort of a connection with them simply because it takes so much damn energy with no reward to be gained.

So ... enough about me and more about me instead! Apart from being ugly, fat and unsocial I am also extremely intelligent, sardonically funny, very open-minded and tolerant, very generous, genuinely caring, creative (I am trying to be a writer) and sensitive. You'd think that this, at least, would count in my favour right? After all, what is the single most attractive quality in a man according to most women? Personality! Well, possibly confidence but Ill get to that in a little bit. Which is, to put it mildly, complete and utter bullshit. I have a dozen years of experience with women that tells me that the only time a woman is interested in your personality is when you either look like a movie star or have pockets deeper than the Mariana Trench and she doesn't want to appear shallow to her friends. I sense an incoming rage-storm of women wanting to correct me or lambaste me for being a chauvinist pig but assurance that I am mistaken are nit going to undo the years of heartache and rejection that have formed the bread and butter of my every day experiences.

As a wise man once said ... enough about me and more about me instead! I have attempted to initiate many, MANY relationships. And I don't mean in some sort of mouth-breathing, stalkerish 'hurr hurrrrrrr' harassment manner but instead a polite request for a simple, honest to God date. And I have received more times than I can count rejections laced with disgust, terror and outright revulsion. I'm not talking about years and years of polite refusals to have coffee but instead open, undisguised DISGUST. The sort of disgust that makes it clear that the woman would rather chew off her own leg with dull, rotting teeth than spend even half an hour with me. I have also received numerous dishonest evasions and dodges. The words 'I value my friendship with you' ring sort of hollow when those words double the total number words she has ever spoken to me. I have even had a few (so very few) of my offers accepted only to have them cancel with transparent excuses a few hours or days later.

I have been 'friend-zoned' twice, both times for about three years each. I broke off the friendships when both women tried to make me seem like I was some sort of villain that was out to ruin her happiness. The first time I was just about accused of rape by the very new boyfriend that had emotionally black-mailed my friend into dating him by threatening to commit suicide! In the second I jetted as soon as I saw which way the wind was blowing, not relishing being actually charged with rape or something stupidly similar because things only get worse for me as time goes on. Last Friday I threw a temper tantrum when it became apparent to me that a friend I have been on the verge of falling in love with for almost two years was only going to throw me in the Friend-zone timeout box yet again. I quit Facebook, cut off all contact with the outside world and have lived in my room for the last few days. The only reason I haven't been in a drug-induced stupor, high as a geosynchronous satellite is because I am just about flat broke at the moment.

Two years ago I tried to commit suicide because of a failed proto-relationship/friendship with a woman. Ever since then I have had suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. I feel consumed by complete and utter, mind-destroying, soul annihilating, life-crushing loneliness which is dark enough to black out even the brightest of stars and smother even the most energetic of matter-antimatter reactions on a daily basis, I think the only reason that I am able to write this post is that recently (as in over the last week) that loneliness has been replaced by an emptiness within my heart. Where once burned sadness, loneliness and depression is now a void which seems to suck in all emotion and leave me feeling hollow. It is almost as if my ability to feel anything has collapsed under the mass of sorrow and has formed an emotional black hole which sucks in all emotion and leaves nothing behind. I know intellectually that this is likely a subconscious attempt to repress the emotions which cause me so much pain but it honestly feels like something inside of me is broken.

To cut all of you bleeding hearts off at the pass, confidence is not the key. The fact of the matter is that even were this possible, were it able to land a moderately attractive, stable and loving woman by projecting confidence and swagger, I have precisely as much confidence as sharks have good PR. A lifetime of rejection, disgust and emotional harassment by my female 'friends' has left me as bereft of confidence as my stash jar is of drugs atm. The day that a woman can overlook my pathological shyness, gross obesity and assface is the day that hair metal becomes popular again and the glam-banging posers being accepted by the 'mainstream' metalheads without a drop of ridicule. Now taking bets on how long before someone advises to pretend to have confidence. That doesn't work. People can sense when you faking. Fake confidence is not as good as the real thing. It is as transparent as the Emperor's new clothes. And believe me, it is hard as fuck to create confidence when you have none. The only example of successfully pulling yourself up by the bootstraps I have ever come across is the boot up sequence of a computer. You think the starving hordes in Africa are dying of AIDS and malnutrition because it is easy to create wealth when you have none? Same with confidence.

Anyway ... I have waxed on an on in a bitter and caustic manner about how unfair my life is and how my life sucks and woe is me blah blah blah. I apologise for making you read toxic stew of whining but it should serve to illustrate that you are not alone and that others are indeed even worse off than you. Sorry for the wall o' text but it has made me feel ever so slightly better.

I don't see my situation ever changing. Despite all my considerable efforts I am doomed to die a lonely, sad virgin. Probably sooner than I think when I finally manage to commit suicide. And yes, I know that perception is reality, that as long as I feel doomed to fail that I will, but I am sick and tired of trying and trying and trying and getting nothing but humiliation and disgust in return.

Stay off the pot if you can man. Being blazed is great and definitely has a place in people's life but imo it doesn't solve problems.

Anyway, I shall bid you all adieu and leave you with the words of a local metal group:

"Hail the metal breed
Defenders of the creed
Give me what I need
Metal or Death!"

*throws up the horns*

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

I agree that her post was dumb man. What a ooph, let's not. - "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem anymore." I'm glad I'm not ignorant.

Look at you! I guess you've realized this by now but you're hilarious man! And you sound like a genius. I'm not too dumb myself, having passed courses in quantum physics and general relativity with flying colours. I really enjoyed that read though. You, sir, have talent. I would like to chill out with you, no matter how ugly you are.

I agree that girls are very shallow creatures. They act like they arn't, but they totally are. It's just life, they can choose any mate. Where I'm from, they obsess over NHL players, it's a joke. You can do a lot with your appearance... clothing, hairstyle, physical condition... there is a lot of stuff you can try to correct the situation if you feel you are unattractive. Just making the transition from long to short hair has made a HUGE difference for me.

I agree that it's extremely tough to have confidence when you've been emotionally abused by so many bitches and loved by nobody. No matter how much you have going for you. It's hurting me in so many ways...

My facial features are merely average, if I didn't take extremely good care of my body I would look like your average joe... but a lot of girls think I am HOT because I go to the gym and move weights up and down with my muscles every day and eat a lot of protein and go for runs and do yoga. They drool over my chest. Funny, isn't it? It's animal instinct left over from tribal times I guess. But being in good shape says something about your character too and if you want a shot at a beautiful lady you absolutely need to do this. If you want some advice on this kind of thing I can totally give you some because I have nutrition and exercise habits figured out. I know you're an intellectual and you might see exercise as a waste of time, but you will end up having higher energy levels and feeling a hell of a lot better about yourself. Just cause you've tried before with little success doesn't mean you should accept being overweight. Changes don't happen overnight. I know it's tough... try harder. But for someone like me, once you get into it, it's a way of life and it's fun.

Have you taken Mdma? If you haven't, I think you should. Mdma will give you the experience of being a 100% extrovert. It's good to have on your resume. It helped me a lot but it's sort of a dangerous last resort. But taking Mdma made me realize that girls actually are really into me, and it's my chronic pot use and loneliness induced personality disorders that keep me away from them.

And by the way I haven't smoked pot in a week now, and I feel like much less of a miserable zombie. I can actually be pretty happy at times. And I am most entirely certain that it is my chronic cannabis use that is keeping me away from girls. Girls don't like burnouts, and that is what I have been for a very long time. The pot is killing me inside - it's not only about girls, this garbage is ruining my life. Even after a week off it, there is still a large amount of mental fog that has yet to disapparate. I imagine it will be at least a month before I am 100%. I have to beat this shit though... after a week off the trash I am once more capable of enjoying literature and continue to learn a 2nd language. Weed turns me into a dumbass.

Dude. You are probably a social retard because of the pot. And you might even be depressed because of the pot. You sound too smart, you should be able to socialize. Smoking weed destroys my social skills, at least. A-bombs them. And kills my happiness too. And you shouldn't be smoking weed at all because it is an appetite stimulant and you want to lose weight. Honestly, I lost like 10 pounds in my weed withdrawal and I wasn't trying to lose weight. Seems to me like you are shooting yourself in the foot there.

 

[Vaya]

Guys, I sympathize with your reactions; after some discussion with other mods, we have decided simply to unapprove the post in question and in-so-doing perhaps we can get this thread back on its tracks. Without malicious intent, there's no reason to slam the poster. No harm, no foul, aye?

PM me with any questions or concerns.

~ vaya

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

No worries sorry about that.

But yeah I feel that people with a little bit of loneliness sometimes smoke weed all day to ease the pain, which makes them a million times lonelier, induces depression and personality disorders, and keeps them single. I've seen this in myself and a couple others I know. I've just been feeling so much better and it's only been a week since I stopped, the recent pot abuse is still totally clouding my mind. Even the very first day off it, I noticed girls were smiling at me more and I could smile back but it just keeps getting better.

And the Gods are giving me vivid dream sex so I can't complain about that. I never dream on weed.

I haven't mentioned this but I had a girlfriend in the past - it didn't last much longer than a month because I started smoking weed again and completely lost interest in her, so I usually don't see it worth mentioning but there was def something good between us.

Thing is it's really easy to get high because it's everywhere, all it takes is one hit and I'll fiend for all eternity to stay high.

 

[slackhands]

Feel the same at times mate. Nadal (the epic tennis player) was saying the other night how suffering/pain is necessary to make you that much stronger. It's true isn't it...? Enjoy pain, accept it with somewhat open arms, or just give it the two fingers if you aren't in the mood. Don't let it define you though; the only thing that defines me is the word BEAST. Nothing will ever overcome me, I simply refuse to let anything do that, because it's pointless. Everything is in our minds; I have had severe OCD and I recognise some very faulty thought processes I have which make no sense on the most fundamental level. This is why I've cut down all my drug consumption, because I know I would likely end up a brain dead simpleton If I persevered. Anyway, chin up mate, and just battle on

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

I agree - suffering leads to enlightenment man. I've made tons of spiritual progress and I can't attribute this to the mushrooms and acid I've done. Not everyone who does them finds themselves on a path to awakening. If I had never suffered in this way I never would have needed to find ways to transcend the mental constructs that are in place in my brain and that keep me from being completely free.

But when I smoke weed all day I find that my mental strength is weakened and this loneliness eats me alive. It was totally meant to be this way, it's tough to suffer as a well off citizen in a developed modern society, but this is how I have suffered.

 

[Dave]

"Pain is just weakness leaving the body."

No clue who said it, but it can help one get through times like this. Just don't get too 'tough'; keep your humanity.

 

[4sak3n]

Ollo again rave.

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I don't view myself as anything close to a genius. I may be on the more preferable side of the intellectual bell curve but the slopes this high up are still pretty crowded. I can't tell you how much your compliments meant to me though. Written words are important to me due to my chosen profession so if they bring you some enjoyment then all is not lost!

Sadly I only started smoking the herb over the last year or so and my Elmer-Fudd-like social degradation dates waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay further back than that. Still, it can't hurt to stop something that makes a bad situation worse.

I have partaken of MDMA on two different occasions. Both times were fairly impressive doses and I definitely felt the effects however I appear to experience the high somewhat differently to most. There is euphoria, yes, but it is more a general contentment with life rather than riding the white water rapids of insane happiness before falling over a waterfall made of pure, liquid serotonin in a wooden barrel. I don't feel empathy for random strangers but instead experience a strengthening of existing emotional bonds to people who I already feel close to. The closest I come to the empathy is appreciating everyone's physical beauty no matter how unattractive they might appear to me sober. Tactile sensations are not appreciably enhanced nor is there much additional energy available to me. Appreciation of music is enhanced as is the urge to dance. In short, it seems like I experience barely threshold effects despite taking non-insignificant doses. Maybe my expectations are too high but the mere fact that people call this drug 'ecstasy' sort of builds those expectations up much like a colony of fire ants building their impregnable fortress of mud and ant saliva. Anyway, enough waffling. Suffice to say that I have tried MD and while it was a pleasurable experience I was not impressed.

The news that your outlook is clearing up after laying off the ganja is great news! Merely comparing the flavour of your words post and pre giving up the pot shows a world of difference already. Being able to see the smiles around you is always an amazing experience and I'm glad that you are getting to feel it.

I don't have much to add to my last words. The black hole in my chest, sucking the emotional-marrow out of the femur of my ego is gone but that is probably due to the lingering afterglow of the MD. I'll see how it goes in a few days time when that is gone too. So I'll just reiterate my last words and remind you that there are people out there who can appreciate your pain and are struggling with the same problems as you are. As I was recently reminded (perhaps coincidentally on the same night as my last experience with MD, perhaps not) we are not alone.

Cthulhu fhtagn!

 

[Kerrigan]

Okay. You want true love...

Please stop this: "girls say... X", "girls do... Y", "girls think... Z" because it's just not true. You're making generalizations about a whole gender of incredibly variable people based upon a relatively small amount of meetings (compared to the global female population, you haven't met 1% of them). Now, you're looking for love, but you have the opportunity to end up in a relationship with somebody, but you are the one who doesn't want to be with them. It has nothing to do with drug abuse; I say "don't ask, don't tell" unless you feel it's incredibly important, I mean hell, it's not like you've got some STD and it's not like drugs are ruining your life. Or are they..?

who knows what I'll end up doing. i'm certainly not in control anymore. hell, bring on the needles, for i no longer give a flying fuck, because things cannot possibly ever become worse than they are. every moment of my existence i am a tortured soul. i wake up in the morning, get up and start wishing i was dead until i lie awake restless at night hating myself

Right. I want you to do some things: go out and engage female strangers in conversation at appropriate times. I've found that some of the best relationships and friendships and whatever's happen entirely by accident because, well, people meet; it's what we do, being a social species and all. So, when you're out walking your dog or buying a cup of coffee or a beer or you bump into someone, say something. Make it funny. Nothing sick or too heavy, just light conversation! Do this all of the time. Not every girl you speak to will be interested in you, not every girl you speak to will be single, not every girl you speak to will even want to talk to you, but since you're looking for a soul-mate and I've heard they're hard to come by then go for quantity.

Next, sign up for all of these dating sites and things like "OkCupid" or whatever they're called at the moment. Ask yourself the following question. "Can this hurt my chances?" No. The more people you meet, the more opportunities you'll have to converse, which will lead to you becoming more confident and less disconnected with people and you may very well end up chatting to a stranger out of the blue who'll end up marrying you in a few years. I've seen it happen with my own eyes and it seems everyone is doing it.

Join discussion forums like this one: if you can find a website devoted to something you hold dear, then you're more likely to meet people who have similar stuff in common! Get involved in these communities because it'll take time out of your day that would otherwise be spent "hating [yourself]" and then you'll probably feel less down. Got a facebook? There are quite literally (probably) gorgeous young women falling out of its pages because young, socially active and sane females of breeding age enjoy using such sites, as do us males, sometimes.

What about university?
When you were there, how did you not make any female friends or find any women who were interested in you?
It seems that, and I'm sorry for saying this, but it's true of a lot of people (including myself at times) that you and the rest of us may very-well quite possibly be lonely for a reason.
Occam's Razor says "what is the probability that this legion of hundreds of girls are flawed and awful, versus the probability that I am simply lacking in something or need to alter myself a little in order to get noticed?"

Friends say "Aw, you'll find someone!" because they don't want to hurt your feelings by explaining what's truly wrong with you. It might be that NOTHING is wrong with you, who knows? Just, take advice from any women you know; ask them what you can do to make yourself more attractive and available and open to other people, 'cause in the end not all women are the same, but if they've known you for a while, you'll each have a good idea of one another's good and bad points.

The great thing about your predicament, and that of all lonely men, is that women are everywhere. They go to almost all of the same places that we do and so it's easy to talk to them. I was out one Thursday or Wednesday or whatever because a very dear girl had flown back home from overseas to see her friends and I foolishly listened to her incredibly selfish whining - I was at the hospital for an important appointment, but I asked them to reschedule simply because I'm an idiot and ended up rushing to meet her. Her friends arrived FIVE minutes after I got there, so well-done me for wasting that chance at good health. So, I've got nothing in common with this French guy and I don't have anything to say to the bearded lady opposite me because she doesn't like me all that much and we don't get along, but my friend is in deep discussion with them both in French, which I don't really understand at high-speed. Don't worry, the story's going somewhere: I decide to head out with some excuse and then end up walking in the cool air; I bump into this girl who was the girlfriend of someone who was once very much like a brother to me, and we hug and chat for a while, I get introduced to her boyfriend, and then we part ways promising to catch up on Facebook and I wander into a pub.

I'm making eye-contact with this beautiful female barmaid because I just want to get served quickly, without fuss, and then get some writing done and she asks me "What's wrong?" We end up having an incredibly long conversation in which she and I both make jokes, we laugh and eventually swap contact information, just out of the blue and unexpectedly because I walked into a random public house for a refreshing drink to raise my spirits. It's just that easy! Women aren't alien and they don't need to be tricked, but they seem to admire honesty and dedication and if you're patient and capable of putting a lot of work into a hobby or something that you personally enjoy, you'll likely end up meeting someone because, well, regardless of what you do, those who work hard are always popular with others.

Don't sit at home and complain when you could be out. Chat to people online, watch a lot of comedy, stay up on current events and read good literature. That applies to me as a writer, I guess. But to an engineer, well, build something or get involved with something to take your mind off of this whilst also spending your free time actively looking for someone beautiful who's not particularly sexually promiscuous but not a prude either; just a regular, interesting girl who can offer you good conversation, laughs and presumably some great sex.

Oh, and when you do end up in a relationship (no matter what you have to do) then please try to be careful about the whole substance-use aspect; some people will view a daily joint as something as natural as a beer after work, but oxycodone is treading into the realms of semi-hardcore stuff, which is probably bad... and if there's one thing you'll be crucified for by your girlfriend, it's drugs. Seriously. I later found out that a girl I was seeing had "Borderline Personality Disorder", which was why she spent New Year's Eve (2010 or 2011, don't really remember) screaming at me about the fact that I was on a methadone program at the time and "if only you didn't take drugs!" before starting a drunken fight with a group of strangers, running off and calling a taxi, climbing into it a disappearing, then throwing all of my stuff out of her window.

Christ, I swear I attract only insane women. Not one girl I've ever had anything close to a relationship with, save for one, has been sane. But that's just a bit of a personal rant and I apologize for hi-jacking the thread...

Just, talk to more women and get active!

YOU ACT LIKE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BY CLAIMING THAT YOU'RE RUDDERLESS AND LIKELY TO END UP SHOOTING OXY: BEFORE THAT, TRY THIS BECAUSE, REALLY, IF YOU'VE NOTHING TO LOSE THEN IT SHOULD BE PERFECTLY FINE, RIGHT?