helpingout
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 16, 2024
- Messages
- 423
I also struggle with wanting heron. Like super bad. Like constantly. No one’s really taken a strong HR point with you. People have suggested kratom, or a talk giving in and explaining that you’re not capable of a relationship with rules that protect the members of that relationship, their health and their wellbeing. Your life is important. It matters. If you were to have a joy bang; you might get high. You probably definitely will. You’ll get a rush. Your dopamine system will fire at about 120% of its capacity under normal tolerated use. It’ll be bomb. You might catch a great nod. But you might also forever nod. You might also not want to tolerate getting sick from just the negatives of the following days. You might decide to go back to the junky life. You might give up on your relationship to keep doing heroin even though the you in this moment just wants a joybang. You might end up strung out even though in the past you picked up and put down easy. This time it might not be easy. You might get complacent and accept the very thing that at this moment is unacceptable to you. Right now you just want a joybang. After a joybang, those receptors will be screaming for more, and it’ll seem like a really attractive behavior. You like all of us have a Pavlov response to the preparations, to the use, and to the choice that comes after; continue or quit.
Most of us who get off know how difficult it is to get off again. A big part of being sick is just laying around, feeling awful, and just dying dying dying for a shot. You are probably far enough that you won’t get sick on day one. But that’s a dangerous game.
I’m not saying don’t use. I love using. I keep on thinking that it would be so fun to get some heron. Instead of sniffing it. I want to eat it. I want to get that eight chain morphine. But even with heroin connects.
I’m legit afraid of how much I love opiates.
I love mu, kappa, and delta.
I like to nod.
I like my dreams.
I like working on my novel while I’m high.
I like the way I feel high better than the way I don’t feel when I’m not high.
I have to experience life when I’m not high.
I have to have feelings that I don’t want.
I have to make choices that make my life worse and be accountable to how fucked I’ve made myself.
Through complacency alone.
I am the cause of all of my life’s problems.
And every time I get clean I have to think about how deeply fucked I am because I spent five years on heron.
What I remember when I think critically about heron goes so far beyond the absolutely critical feeling I get from heroin. Yes, I feel great when I’m on heroin. I feel more like my true self. But I have to hide that truth from the world because I risk incarceration. I remember all the lies I’ve told helthcayre professionals. I remember the lie I presented to my family. I remember when I od’d and slept for three days and almost destroyed completely my short term memory. I remember that even with a brain that couldn’t hold a thought for three seconds; I remembered where my heroin was, and as I learned that I would have to adjust to having the short term memory of dory from
Finding Nemo, I prepped and cooked a shot of heroin. I remember just how deeply that drug binds itself to your receptors because I forgot everything, but I couldn’t forget to do heron.
That shit is hardwired into my brain
I’ve been dying to relapse some nights. Searching my every possession for a little bit of heroin I remember folding up in foil but forgetting where I stashed it. That reward system change is so hardwired in I’ve done this like thirty plus times. From top to bottom, torn my room up.
I’ve met people who’ve got dope connections. I’ve continued to interact with a person I used to buy dope from.
So, I’ve felt what you’ve felt, I think.
The moments where you’re so deep in the fantasy of how good it will feel that you completely forget everything that comes into play behind a joy bang.
If that sentence you wrote, (paraphrased), “I’ve been able to get on and off when I want.),” comes to haunt you. Taunting you with just one more day on the chip. And if you secede even the smallest territory, say letting the morning joybang be accompanied by an evening joybang, because it’s just one day. Then, other territories become part of the discussion. More and more that reward system cements itself more and more deeply. A single day becoming two, a yearly joy bang becoming monthly, monthly becoming every two weeks, two to one, one day on one day off, until it’s everyday.
Or that doesn’t happen this time, or the next time, or ever, and you get to bang heron at your leisure.
You might be perfectly suited to do heron when ever your discipline permits you. You might never get sick again for the rest of your life. You might never suffer a consequence or have a misstep with it.
But, you’re also not sick right now, you’re also disciplined right now, you’re taking on the consequences of having used heroin every time you face down the allure of using more, and you’re avoiding all the missteps of using like a random driving while intoxicated, or a drug test at work, or a vacation overseas, or a work opportunity.
There’s an entire world of possibility that exists if you choose to face it down.
And there’s a severe limitation of your options, your opportunities, and your relationships, if you choose to use.
One option feels really good now, but feels bad overall.
And one option might never feel that good again, but generally feels good.
I swear to god I constantly think of giving everything I have in my life to just give up the fight and feel high again, feel complacent, feel nothing.
But, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to ever wake up again suddenly brain dead, I don’t want to be addicted to heroin. I want to use heroin.
So it really comes down to what you want to be possible.
Heroin provides one possibility, temporary happiness, but threatens so many possibilities that all feel great but depend on exogenous molecules, or it presents the possibility that you will feel bad unless you secure more exogenous molecules.
But, god I hate the feeling that sometimes I think the choice is made for me ahead of my brains rationale.
That I’ll never be able to exist in a world where heroin isn’t a possibility.
I see the darkness and suffering of addiction all around me, and I am drawn to that darkness.
I want to turn out the lights on the universe and just drift without purpose. No care for my self.
Heroin for me is an ego death, a death of the self.
If I go back to using, I give up the version of me that found the strength to get this far, so heroin becomes the limit of what is possible. Choosing heroin puts me back at square one, considering the possibility of whether this version of me has more endurance than the heroin has the power to wear down.
I’m trying to honor the version of me that had the strength to quit by being the version of me that has the discipline to resist, to persist past the urge to give up what I started when I last kicked dope.
Who do you want to die?
Which wolf do you feed?
Who are you as you walk the path?
These are all things to consider. Because one person got lost in a forest. They found a way out. They took that way out. The forest stayed with them. Always offering to take you back in because in some way you liked being lost in the forest. And in another way, once you were lost, you wanted a way out. And on your way out you tried really hard to not get lost again. In or out the forest is with you. But are you willing to face getting lost if you try to walk the path you walked before. Because walking that path will take you to the same place you were, lost in the forest, and it will require the same will and discipline to get you back out again.
You went hiking with your boyfriend in the forest. You got lost and your boyfriend kept looking for you in the forest. When he found you he saw the truth of why you had become lost and he told you come with me, I know the way out, you can stay with me if I show you the way out.
You didn’t go with him because there wasn’t a choice.
You went with him because you wanted to not be lost in the forest.
The same path leads the same direction.
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