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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

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I am a lost dog. 36-years old, male but pretty much asexual after the collapse of my engagement in December last year. I got quacks to prescribe me oxy and xanax, after 6 months of freguent-daily benzo and opiate use, part-recreational, but also to numb myself from chronic migraine attacks: and partly because of lifelong depression and anxiety that have been getting worse in recent years.

I kiicked the opis 6 weeks ago - with two one-day relapses to high doses of PPT, both in the past 5 days, punctuated by days of heavy drinking. I'd had two brief habits last year - oral morph/oxy/hydro and fent patches - but this year lost all semblance of control. I started fucking up at work, said yes to an offer of H - which I haven't touched in years - and had the proverbial 'moment of clarity', cancelled the order, deleted a lot of numbers and a couple of email accounts, cutting myself off from sources of supply for anything but weed, in which I've lost interest after years of heavy smoking: now it just makes me binge-eat and feel worse.

For the third time in a year, I tapered with Mscontins, then codeine and kratom, alternating with loperamide and cut my benzo intake from 4-6 mgs of Xanax a day pllus etizolam and temazeoam, to 25-30 mgs diazepam a day. Got scripted enough to taper (well, not exactly scripted), but I've been stuck at this level for about a month. Lately I've been losing track, and probably am back up to 30. I don't have the money for private rehab, and state options are a joke.

I was in better shape, day-to-day, on the painkillers and higher benzo doses - life since tapering off the contins has been one long panic attack. It's like there's not a single endorphin in my brain: NOTHING feels good any more, I'm in danger of losing my job, owe thousands, and though I do have friends and family members who love me, I haven't really begun to recover from the break-up, my ex cut off all contact (and, in retrospect, exploited me financially),and I've been in a very dark place. It was a whirlwind courtship - everything was perfect for a while- then we fell apart in a couple of weeks in December. On Friday it'll be a year since we got together, and I kinda wish I was in a nice, peaceful coma. I need, urgently, to get moving - to save what remains of my career and tackle some debts before they eat me alive - but it feels like it's all I can do to just keep breathing.

Today, pod grinds and tea saw me through the latest panic attack/suicidal urge, but I'm months behind at work, and have been incapable of doing anything but tread water, remaining outwardly functional while getting next-to-nothing done. I hate my job, my shithole apartment, and the pointless, never-ending depression and addiction that have been my real career since I was 14 I feel trapped, inadequate, full of regret and anger, and talking to friends/docs/myself/the wall hasn't helped. I've lost all interest in sex, which is probably for the best, as I'm not real attractive in this state of mind. And I am FIENDING for a fat, euphoric dose of hydro, which, for better and worse, is not available where I live. I'm furious at my ex, but also miss her badly: she stopped answering emails months ago, and I know, from experience, that I have to accept her silence. There's no point trying to force contact, even though I'd love to know how she's doing - and wtf happened to us? But she turned vicious at the end, has health problems and obviously doesn't give a shit.

I'll stop here, because I've been posting the same dreary story in another thread: right now, TDS and a couple of friends and relatives are kinda all I got, and I keep fantasising of escape - new name, new life, no memories of the past. Of course, that's not so easy to arrange, and I don't have anywhere to go or any money.

Sorry for the long post: and my sympathy/empathy to all who struggle with depression, addiction, anxiety, bereavement, guilt, regret, and all the other aspects of the human condition which bring us to the dark side, on- and off-line.

'So I am going down to nowhere, with the dropouts and the bums,
a soldier of the vacuum, when the darkness comes,
I'm a vaudeville comedian, in a theater of bones
and it's a laugh a minute, when nowhere is your home.'

- Thea Gilmore.
 
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Hi Where Wolf, although I have read some of your posts in TDS already it's nice to get to know you a bit better (despite your story not being so nice). I'm glad you've found this place because it is a really good source of support, and you know that there are a lot of people in this community who have felt exactly the way you are feeling right now.
I have a lot of respect for you and your efforts to get clean, it is a very difficult thing to face especially when you're heartbroken or have other issues going on. You just need to keep trying man. Sometimes it takes many attempts to successfully quit, but you never know, one day it might all just "click" and you will succeed.

Are you currently seeing a therapist? Have you ever seen your doctor specifically about quitting drugs? Do any of your friends and family know the troubles you're having? You need all the support you can get so I think you should try and engage as many trusted individuals as you can to help you get your life back together <3
 
Hmmm...that's funny, thought I'd answered the post above. Thanks, n3ohpy7e - I'm not in therapy, no, though friends and some relatives have been supportive: others just don't know what to say/do, so they back away or pretend the problem doesn't exist.

I talked to one retired but very experienced shrink about the benzos - he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know - and the one GP I talked to (saying nothing about opis - despite a few slips on PPT, I didn't have much trouble kicking, after brief pill/patch habits, and I don't want to be denied painkillers in the future of a situation of legitimate medical need, should it arise), was clueless. I've heard about a clinic with a more experienced head doc, and I might register there and try to get a referral for some CBT. But part of me feels like I got myself into this mess - I should be able to get myself out of it. Stupid, I know, and even dangerous...but it's still there.

I guess, having accomplished so little in the past six months except to alienatve my ex (though it takes two to destroy a relationship, and I think the fault was shared), I'd like to feel that I'd at least cleaned up my own mess, afterwards. We'll see...

Thanks to everyone who's posted and pm'd. The kindness of strangers...
 
finaly Want to get clean

Hi everyone! I have been around reading for long time but I am going to post now.. I am a single mom and i have been addicted on and off to opiates and benzos. I have been to rehab 4 or 5 times but now I have a baby and that is not an option. This is the first time I have ever wanted to get clean, all the other times I did it cuz of my parents!! This slip/ relapes has not been as bad as other times in my life. I didnt use anything since yesterday at 11 am. Im fine just a bit achey. I also suffer from an eating disorder and when I stop the drugs I start the starve binge/purge cycle. I feel those thoughts comming back again. I used to go to NA all the time. I was soo involved since I had the baby I stoped going. It worked for me! I am going to force myself to go tonight its cool because my mom is going to babysit tonight. well I want to get clean for my son and me. My bday is friday so this will be a good gift for myself. I hope to meet a lot of cool people, and I cant wait to give and get support!! :) <3 :) <3
 
Here because I'm trying to get my head straight and feel like no one in my social circle gets what I'm going through. Recently started AA. Hadn't done any drugs in about 5 years, did a bunch the past month and feel for the first time like an actual addict and it's scaring the crap out of me. Just here for support and hopefully maybe to offer some to others as well. <3
 
Hello and welcome, SciCo :)
You've come to the right place <3
Where are you at with your drug usage at the moment? Was there anything in particular which triggered your most recent binge? (you don't have to discuss it if you're comfortable doing so, of course :))
 
Salutations

Hello everyone. I joined Bluelight only recently, through the years I've been pointed here many times by Google when looking for drug safety info and such.

I am a fearsome viking warrior from the cold northern wastelands of Scandinavia. Atleast sometimes I think I am. Actually it's not even cold now and the poles will eventually switch so I may have to change the username to WarmSouth. In this reality I'm a skinny, dark, bald, bearded guy with dark bags under his eyes who tries to avoid routine, dull moments and clocks in any way possible.

I've enjoyed drugs for 16 years and plan to do so for as long as health permits. Weed, opiates and psychedelics have been the only constants, lucky for me I don't enjoy stimulants or alcohol that much and get no cravings if I occasionally indulge in them. Ok, except MDMA. That I like. And 2c-e. To be more precise, I don't like aggressive, violent, 'fast' drugs. I'm in good condition both mentally and physically considering all that and I owe much of it to harm reduction efforts like this one. I don't see any reason why moderate use could not persist even a whole lifetime. To be honest, I would pick 50 exciting years over 100 boring ones.

I was hospitalized for mental health problems during high school and have been through a ton of medications and treatments. At worst I was on a daily dose of 6mg alprazolam, 6mg clonazepam, some temazepam for sleep and either SSRIs or tricyclic meds. Of course I just tried to get the maximum amount of everything to trade to better drugs but I'm pretty sure life was a mess, I can't remember shit anymore. Even in general.

My drug use probably originated from making music, which earlier on meant playing in bands. Drugs ended up breaking my life completely on a few occasions and I was out of any productive activity (or a job) for almost a decade. A while back I changed my ways of life when some mental problems got too bad to handle and after accidentally almost killing a friend with my car. I still do the magical triforce of good drugs but the days of risking my life on a whim are over, the future looks too good to miss. I don't buy or sell any of my regular drugs and that's actually very helpful for getting out of the loop, as I don't need to meet the guys who sell them along with 10 other things they want to sell me. I only need to buy the psychedelics and psychonauts are not nasty like drug dealers. People who consider spreading LSD to be holy work should be given some kind of atheistic/pantheistic version of 'Saint' title. It sucks that there is nothing like the Dead families around and LSD is rare up here.

Anyways, as I seem to be popping in here more often I thought I would introduce myself. There's a lot of nice and less nice reading at TDS and it's a relief to have some place to talk about certain things without fear that are frowned upon in the 'real' world because they remind people that their welfare state only goes so far. If you want, check out 'The ones who walk away from Omelas', a short story/philosophic parable that touches on this.

Anyways, I get carried away with typing so I'll just stop and leave this here. It has been a pleasure to be a member so far, many thanks for all the info, advice, etc. that I've got here over the years and I hope I can contribute something good someday.

Peace o/
 
Hi Dark Side

Hi I'm Michio. I've experimented with various drugs but ecstasy was the drug of choice for me. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 13. Once I found ecstasy (I think I was around 21 y/o at the time) I became totally addicted and abused the drug. It was a wild and confusing time because I used ecstasy (and other drugs) to self-medicate and cover up alot of pain yet at the same time ecstasy gave me some of the most beautiful and spiritual experiences in my life.

After awhile I lost the magic and the high wasn't worth the comedown. I guess that's what happens when you get greed-e but I accept responsibility for all of my choices and I'm at a point in my life now where I'm just trying to get my head and my shit together.

I realize that I need to stop using drugs to cover up the dark stuff inside and face myself instead of running away all the time.

I had tons of fun partying and I wouldn't take back any of the good times but the only regret I have is my total state of denial about the real after effects of heavy ecstasy use (especially in people with mental disorders).

Recently I read "A Scanner Darkly" by Philip K. Dick and that book scared the shit out of me. I realized if I wanted to salvage any sort of sanity I still have left I need to get clean and stay away from drugs. It was a total wake up call reading the Authors Note and the end of the book where he talks about his freinds who died or suffered permemant damage due to drug abuse.

Anyway, that's my long introduction. I hope to meet some cool people here and support others who are trying to get or stay clean. :)
 
Hello and welcome to you both, ColdNorth and Michio <3
Thank you both for sharing a bit of your story with us. I look forward to seeing you around The Dark Side :)
 
Thanks for the wlecome N3ophy7e. You seem to have a strong presence here.
 
Hi. Intro'd myself on a couple of the other boards.... female in my early 30's, living in the Northeast US. I am basically just trying to learn, read others' experiences, and hopefully share/help when I can. Having a crazy time right now; was drug free for about 4 years and suddenly found myself using again.

Very confused about where I'm going/what I'm doing with my life. Mood disorders coupled with drug and alcohol abuse have made things tough for me, especially as of late. Bluelight has actually been an extreme source of comfort for me the past month or so.
 
Hi SciCo, I've seen you around :) I'm glad that you've found comfort and solace in Bluelight already, it certainly is good for that :)
I hope this current stint of your drug use doesn't last for long. Was there anything in particular which caused you to start using again??
 
How Often Do You Cry?

Hello friends, I'm a recovering alcoholic with lifelong chronic depression. My history includes decades of psychmeds and a couple courses of ECT. I haven't been on meds for 2 yrs and feel things more intensely, but also more alive. I've noticed - in the absence of depression - that I cry at least once a week about frustrations, consciousness of the human condition, empathy, music, books, movies, current events, and occasional self-pity. It's in no way incapacitating, though slightly embarrasing. I've gotten pretty good at telling myself, ''get the fuck over yourself!'' But it struck me, as tears rolled down my cheeks while I stared out the window on the Metro yesterday, jeez, I wonder how often others have flash floods? I've been lurking on TDS for a couple of months, and thought this might be a good place to survey my Q. Thanks for reading!
 
Welcome dropthatpickle :) I get teary about television, movies, and books when I'm by myself sometimes of late and I'm finding it kind of embarrassing. Makes me fear I'm going to start watching the Hallmark cable station. I'm also a psych patient of long duration and in my case variable compliance. I'm glad you are here.

No flash floods here but we are heading into a dam release that is going to be a big problem. I'm also in an area pretty ripe for tornados and supercells. Looks like you are one post away from Bluelighter at the moment so pre-Congrats!
 
Thanks for the welcome!

Enki said:
Welcome dropthatpickle :) I get teary about television, movies, and books when I'm by myself sometimes of late and I'm finding it kind of embarrassing. Makes me fear I'm going to start watching the Hallmark cable station. I'm also a psych patient of long duration and in my case variable compliance. I'm glad you are here.

No flash floods here but we are heading into a dam release that is going to be a big problem. I'm also in an area pretty ripe for tornados and supercells. Looks like you are one post away from Bluelighter at the moment so pre-Congrats!
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Dear lord! Tornadoes, supercells AND damn dam releases? Yikes. Where I live, it's rained pretty much straight through April, May, and well into June. 90 last Wednesday, it's in the 50's today. WTFF? But, hey, global warming's all a liberal conspiracy, anyway, doncha know. :)
 
Enki said:
Welcome dropthatpickle :) I get teary about television, movies, and books when I'm by myself sometimes of late and I'm finding it kind of embarrassing. Makes me fear I'm going to start watching the Hallmark cable station. I'm also a psych patient of long duration and in my case variable compliance. I'm glad you are here.

No flash floods here but we are heading into a dam release that is going to be a big problem. I'm also in an area pretty ripe for tornados and supercells. Looks like you are one post away from Bluelighter at the moment so pre-Congrats![/QU I was wondering about your dam and hope nothing's underwater. Floods make a discouraging messes of the I-don't-know-where-to-start-or-maybe-I better-just-find-the-shovel variety. I truly hope, as well, you were spared a tornado. They terrify me. Plus, I feel assaulted and annoyed if there's more than a breeze blowing. I work dwntwn and the bldgs create lab-size wind tunnels. It's reminds me I must jack my frustration tolerance.
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i turned 39 last month and ive been on ice half my life from 14yrs. of age. ive been battling with paranoia and bouts of depression all my life. im also very very phobic of getting out. i live in what alot of people call paradise, but for me its been everything but. its gotten worse over the years, to where i hardly leave my appt. its disgusting and its lonley, and latley very "dark". i think i might have introduced myself in a couple other places here, but im not sure. people on here actually "get it". and i like that. most people in the "real world" dont even have a clue. they have no idea the shit we go through everyday, just to be able to get through the night and still be somewhat sane and present, the next day, just to do it all over again. its not a fucking cake walk thats for sure. i always feel better when i come here, i know im not alone and i know its not just me.
 
G'day everyone,

I am Me. I go to Uni and study things. Cool things. Really though, I have interests in Psychology, Medicine, Law, Philosophy and stuff. Really anything.

Drugs? What is wrong with drugs. I don't mind them but they are not the answer to everything - they are one part of a big solution. Although I think people are being too fucking nice these days. I mean - being an athiest I am a pseudo-eugenics supporter and I think that Earth and humanity need a bigggggg enema - clear out the rubbish.

Other than that I am cool and easy baby. I have been reading these forums for a few years now - funnily enough after I found an anti-drug book from these "BlueLight Australia" tools.
 
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