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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

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An Intro

It's quite ironic that as I'm posting this in 'The Dark Side' forum, the sun is rising in California and shining right in my eyes. Kinda nice. This forum was recommended to me when I introduced myself on the main page...and I think trying to navigate all the forums, read the comments and discern where to start could occupy one's time that he or she could make 'Bluelighting' a full time vocation. Thank you all for going before me on this journey.
 
Hey everyone.

I'm a 23 year old male and have had a history of polysubstance use/dependance; Daily Cannabis smoker since the age of fifteen, occasional psychedelic/entactogen use, and have been consuming meth/amphetamine from seventeen up to around two months ago.

I'm trying to widen my support group and TDS seemed to be the logical place to start :)
 
it's a love / hate relationship

Hello Bluelight! It's my first post here I believe (maybe second?), but I love
reading the stories and random stuff people post in tds. . . but onto my story (; I double spaced it so maybe it's a little easier to read..

Life has been a trip for me, literally and metaphorically. At 16(I'm 20 now)

I smoked weed for the first time, and it wasn't long after I found myself

stealing my dad's tequila and getting shitfaced in my room. As the months went

by I tried coke(gross!), then ecstasy, tried benzos, and eventually was

introduced to oxycontin. I had never really been into opiates; I had taken

vicodin, and i didn't think it was anything special. As time went on, I took more

and more oxycontin until I couldn't afford it anymore. So, of course, like any

addict would, I moved onto smoking heroin (never IV'd to this day).

I've been using heroin off and on for a year now, taking suboxone inbetween

to stay well. I also take klonopin and valium every other day or so. I've been

doing this forever it feels like and I really need to stop, but at that same

time, I feel like it's the only thing that makes me actually.. me. Without

something in my system I feel awful, and I mean AWFUL. I notice now that I

can't remember jack sh*t anymore and I kinda live day to day. When I think

about getting high, I get chills and an adrenaline rush and all these different

feelings, and I get more excited than ever! then I realize that this is how I

should feel when good things happen in my life (grades,girlfriend,etc.), not

when I get and do drugs. I LOVE it, and at the same time I HATE it.

I just kinda wanted to rant, so thank you to anyone who read this. If you're going through the same sh*t, or going through any sh*t at all, i'd be glad to chat. it's always nice having someone to talk (type, I guess :P) to.
 
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Hey.. I feel the same way. I just started IVing heroin after 4 years of sniffing. It completely controls my life and I hate it.. but I love being high. I finally got suboxone but I cant even afford to get the script. I have to find money every day just to get it. I was just trying to explain to my boyfriend that having to find money every day for something that doesn't even get me high seems completely pointless. He doesn't get it though. I want to stay clean but nothing makes me happy anymore and I have no motivation to do anything if I'm not high. Ughhh!! Well, just wanted to let you know your not alone, I have the same relationship with opiates.
 
Yeah, I feel the same way about suboxone. I could never afford a scrip, so I have to buy it off the street. I like that I can feel normal with it, feel 'well' in a sense, but at the same time it's just not enough. I end up using benzos or more opiates on top of my suboxone. I'm a mess when I get high, and at the same time I'm useless if I don't. My only motivation is to stay high because it's the only way I can stay well enough to function.

The crazy thing for me is, nobody in my family or close group of friends knows this. I have hidden these problems for up to a year now, and I still manage to get around (more like sneak around) things... I feel like they don't realize I'm high because that's just my normal 'me' now :/
 
This Isn't Fun anymore...Lost in my Use..Riding the "Black Horse"

So, like here goes my thread. I hope that everyone will understand everything. I'm a very Hard Core Opiate user with 20+ years of experience. Like most people I started out doing pain pills (age 12), and slowly progressing to Heroin. I never realized that I had a problem with opiates until I took a ride on the "Black Horse". 3 years ago I was as happy as a clam doing my 75 mcg Duragesic patches and my 60 Norco 10 mg per month. Then things changed, I got fired from my pain DR. I went into horrible fenta:(nyl Withdrawal and went to shooting Heroin. All was great for a while, in fact the Heroin was a step down from the patch. I was using 1/2 gram per day and could afford my habit. Then my wife of 12 years started shooting up behind my back. I could not figure out where my stash was going so fast! So now we got 2 users at 1/2 gram per day= 1 gram per day. About this time my 6 year old daughter got diagnosed with Cancer (Leaukemia) so out of despair both of our usage went way up.Together, we were doing over 1/4 oz per day and the money was flying out the window!
Jump to 3 months ago....We moved to Western Washington and took our bad habit with us. At first I couldn't find anyone to help me. Then, of course, the "Horse" found me..... I was introduced to the really GOOD stuff which is twice as expensive but lasted 4 times as long! We where only using 1/4 gram between the both of us which was actually cheaper! Leap forward to present time: I am using way more than ever! I can't get High, and I'm out of money!! THIS IS NOT FUN ANYMORE!! My wife is loosing her mind, and we can't afford to go into WD do to our sick little girl (who is getting way better!!) We are both so ready for treatment but before that happens we need to get on methadone as the WD are way to bad...
So sorry to gripe just don't know where else to go....:\
 
Hi IV. Glad to see you around TDS <3

It takes a lot of strength and courage to admit you are ready for treatment. The rehab I went to (as well as the one a buddy went to) both administered methadone to patients. The catch with these two particular facilities was that you had to be on methadone prior to admittance (which kinda makes no sense considering methadone is a form of treatment). I'm skeptical that this is the case with all facilities, though, so you may want to do some research on whats available in your area and find one that you can get into quicker that will start you right off on MMT

I admire your strength in considering your daughter regardless of your addiction. Many of us put the drugs before everything else and its nice to hear otherwise in your case <3
 
New to all the forums, been skimming it for the info it offers and when I saw this I debated for quite a while about signing up, now here I am.
I've spent a lot of the last three years in and out of depression and self harming.
I'm trying to find different ways to deal with the things that are going on in my life so that's why I'm here. basically I'm just to sort my head out before it gets the better of me.
 
Well I just joined and I've been skimming the site all day and I've found some useful info so I figured I should join. I'm kind of concerned with my mental state. My grandmother and some other family members appear to have schizophrenia, not sure but I'm positive they're not well. Intense substance abuse, anxiety, paranoia, mood swings, lethargy, violent behavior, all runs in the family. Both on my mother and father's side. I've only been using drugs for a few months, weed, alcohol, tobacco, that's all. They definitely make me more of an expressive and social person but I really really want a drink right now but I do not think I should be getting one. This bothers me, I'm worried I'm going down the same slippery slope because I've struggled occasionally with bouts of anxiety and extreme mood swings and very rarely delusions and hallucinations. I've even had that hopeless despair before, terrible depression. It only lasted a few months and I recovered without therapy or a prescription though. I'm worried next time I won't be so lucky. I just might need more serious help.
 
Welcome to TDS mutzy and tealmoose

mutzy - this is a great please to bounce ideas off of different people who will not hudge you. :)


tealmoose - you should try and seek professional assistance. if this is something heriditary and preventable you should start now. don't focus on the past but look towards building a healthy future. :)
 
So, I've been lurking for a while now, and figure I may as well throw my hat in the ring. TDS is probably where I belong. I started drinking heavily at age 14-15, and was pretty much a full blown alcoholic by 17. By the time I was 18 I developed some sort of allergy (I'm assuming due to getting alcohol poisoning so many times), and I can no longer drink anything stronger than beer.

I used marijuana daily from around the age of 16-21. I slowed down at that point, but it was still a 3-5 day a week habit. Things really started to come unhinged when I turned 22, and since then I've been into pretty much everything, other than meth or IV opiates. I'm now 24 and for the past three or four months I've been trying to kick a nasty benzo habit. I'm also struggling to curb my prescription amphetamine abuse.

My girl of 5+ years left me a while back, and in the meantime I've lost essentially all of my friends. Isolation is a real bitch. But this is where 10 years of partying, addiction, and denial has taken me. Anyways, that's me in a nutshell. Cheers TDS.
 
Welcome chaultistic,
We are glad that you have found a place where you feel comfortable. This is a place where you can seek help as well as offer help to others. We all have unique experiences that allow us to contribute to this family we call TDS to help everyone understand and overcome obstacles in their lives.
 
Things get worse and worse

Hi, I'm 23. I have many problems. I smoke amphetamines but I'm not addicted to them, I'm addicted to the man who supplies them. My boyfriend. Six months ago he wasn't into meth or speed like he is now, every day. He used to refuse to take money from me because he would say he should be the provider. Now he takes my entire pay, and my credit card. He used to pay his own bills but now they are in my name. Two months ago he was lovely, kind and caring. Now he is abusive, volatile, constantly irritable and impossible to please. My opinion doesn't matter, nor do my feelings or needs. He hasn't abused me physically, but the verbal abuse is almost worse. I don't want to stay if he won't get off the drugs, but I don't want to leave him either. I cook and clean and do his washing on a daily basis, I go to ridiculous lengths to please him, yet he still chooses ice over me. I've gotten to the point where I do the drugs with him now just because I don't care. I can still say no to a pipe, but I can't say no to him. It makes me want to bleed.
 
hey, im Gerald, and currently i would just consider myself a pothead/acid head. i also have a very love hate relationship with ecstasy, considering probably two of the 5 happiest moments of my life were on ecstasy, yet i feel it has worsened my depression. i am currently dealing with anxiety, depression, and self harm issues. i am trying to get over these issues with as little professional and chemical help as possible, because i feel like the way my personality is i need to conquer them on my own. this is one of my favorite forums on bluelight to browse, and i look forward to reading and posting in more threads.
 
Hello Bluelighters. I am a guy from Michigan who lives in an area that is part upper middle class suburbs and part low income ghettos or just straight up the hood. My long time nickname is TMoney, or just T which is the first letter of my name. I will be 24 in a week, I have been a member for over 5 and 1/2 years, although I have been inactive for the past two or so. I would say I am a very unique person. I have a knack for being funny, having a good sense of humor, and at the same time being well mannered and kind, respectful, loyal, and trustworthy. I was born with three things that have negatively impacted me. One, I have a 163 IQ, I have always been given high expectations of myself by my family. Two, one side of my family has been riddled with addiction, and the other side with depression/anxiety disorders. Three, my family has a history of being very healthy, even when the lifestyle we live is the complete opposite. I started using weed and alcohol at 14, and by 16 I was a daily user. Alcohol brought out the depression and everything, and even lead to me being suicidal. By 16 and 1/2 I was a weekly hallucinogen user. Ironically, by the age of 19, I completely quit alcohol, hallucinogens, and everything but one class of drugs other than marijuana. Opiates. Opiates made me feel invincible, gave me self confidence, without the drowsiness and nausea often associated with alcohol. Plus, it lasted practically all day, even when the dope wore off. I have never shot up, I have never snorted. I have never used heroin. However, I have been a daily to twice and even three times a day user of prescription narcotics. I have been to one mental institution, one teen rehab, and two stints at the well renowned Brighton Hospital, both times leading me into 15 month and then 9 month suboxone stints. I never considered myself a junkie until I got to the point where I would do anything to feel good. I would see people living their life, and I felt like because I was shit on by so many people that I was kind to and trusted that I deserved to be high at any cost, to feel what was normal for someone completely opiate dependant.

I'm not trying to give my life story here, but I have a very hard time with explaining things without getting into heavy detail so I appologize if this is lengthy. If I am going to tell people about myself, I want them to know the whole story. My drugs of choice are a combination of Hydrocodone, caffeine, and Weed, specifically Sativa. I would say that I have such a strong psychological addiction to Hydrocodone, that I do not get the same feeling from much stronger opiates such as oxycodone and morphine. I have had many experiences with other opiates, binges of everything from Darvocet to Morphine, but for daily use, I always would trade anything for Hydrocodone. My only IV experiences were in the hospital, the most intense being when I was given Hydromorphone when I came in extreme pain from what was found to be a Kidney stone. I know my health is at risk from doing all of these pills, but I just am so sick and tired of being alone, being used by "friends" and women. I've gone years without sex at points because using these drugs was truely a better experience than sex for me recently. I still continue to relapse on the dope every time I get off suboxone, but I hope to use my potential to make a difference in the world someday so I can lead a successful life and be truely happy.
 
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