jones-in_J
Bluelighter
Haha there we go much better
No prob man, meant it
No prob man, meant it
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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0
- Thread starter n3ophy7e
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mdmayhem
Greenlighter
Hello again everyone... I posted a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't in the best place.
It's been over 6 months since I got into serious trouble with the police... - 4 months since I found out that I hadn't completely ruined my life and unfortunately only a week since I last slipped up.. \:-|... But I'm trying - and I've distanced myself from a lifestyle that was as addictive if not more addictive than the drugs themselves... Just wanted to say hi to everyone on here, and to let them know that in the past 6 months I have recovered more than I could ever have imagined. In fact, if it hadn't been the most fking painful experience of my life, I'd say it was probably the best one I've ever had for me as a person.
I find I have so many interests again... I can talk and talk and talk without mentioning or thinking about drugs. I have ambitions and dreams and ideas that have nothing to do with getting high and they make me really excited and motivate me.
Considering 6 months ago I found it hard to pass an hour without planning or scheming self-destrucion and thought I was forever lost, considering up until 2 months ago I felt I'd been so destroyed by the law that i couldn't look people in the eyes without feeling like I had no right to an opinion... We can do it.
We can recover... and it's really not going to be easy for any of us - but we're here, and we're starting the journey. And we're not alone!
It's been over 6 months since I got into serious trouble with the police... - 4 months since I found out that I hadn't completely ruined my life and unfortunately only a week since I last slipped up.. \:-|... But I'm trying - and I've distanced myself from a lifestyle that was as addictive if not more addictive than the drugs themselves... Just wanted to say hi to everyone on here, and to let them know that in the past 6 months I have recovered more than I could ever have imagined. In fact, if it hadn't been the most fking painful experience of my life, I'd say it was probably the best one I've ever had for me as a person.
I find I have so many interests again... I can talk and talk and talk without mentioning or thinking about drugs. I have ambitions and dreams and ideas that have nothing to do with getting high and they make me really excited and motivate me.
Considering 6 months ago I found it hard to pass an hour without planning or scheming self-destrucion and thought I was forever lost, considering up until 2 months ago I felt I'd been so destroyed by the law that i couldn't look people in the eyes without feeling like I had no right to an opinion... We can do it.
We can recover... and it's really not going to be easy for any of us - but we're here, and we're starting the journey. And we're not alone!
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
What a fantastic update to read! Congratulations on everything! I don't think it is any accident that the most painful experiences we have are the most meaningful sometimes. I heard a saying that sums it up pretty well, I think: people don't change because they see the light, they change because they feel the heat. I hope that everything continues to go well. Going through the criminal "justice" system is hell. I'm really glad you survived and are feeling so positive now. Shine some of that light out for other people when they write in from the depths of despair that you were in 6 months ago. I think it is so powerful to hear from people who know that place intimately and have turned things around for themselves.
Speaking of that, Serotonin, I second jones-in_J. You rock.
Speaking of that, Serotonin, I second jones-in_J. You rock.
Mdmayhem- i was in the same boat as you back in december and now feel the same as you do. The clean and sober life is great. As i tell new comers to recovery: "there are many things that bring us to recovery (the law, family, friends, significant others) but only one thing will keep us in recovery (our desire to change)." best of luck in your endeavors. You can do this. Feel free to PM me if you wanna chat about recovery, life, whatever is on your mind. Love ya buddy. 
To the lovely herbavore- thank ya :D youre the incredible inspiration for me to give back to TDS. Peace love & hippie grease all my friends
To the lovely herbavore- thank ya :D
youre the incredible inspiration for me to give back to TDS. Peace love & hippie grease all my friends Hi DarkSiders.
Today i was looking back at my last 6 months.
6 months ago i got my hands on 1500 pills; half 2 mg Xanax, half 10 mg diazepam. I got them extremely cheap & my plan was that they would last for several years.
I remember so little of the time that followed.
I vaguely remember 3 tattoos (i previously had ZERO tattoos). I kind of remember embarrassing my wife in front of her whole family & a packed restaurant in an extremely inebriated state.
I definitely remember my wife walking out the door to 'stay with her parents' 2 weeks ago.
I stopped taking them 3 days ago. Withdrawals are hell. I’m smoking weed a lot and taking the odd diazepam in an attempt to wean myself off completely.
And drinking a fair bit also.
I’m tired of being wrecked all the time, but even now wish i was wrecked so i could forget it all.
I'm terrified of the depression that’s creeping up on me slowly.
I've only been married 1 year. I can’t lose her as well.
I've been reading here though, & the support network here is incredible.
I hope I’ll be here at DS a fair bit. Keep my mind busy
Today i was looking back at my last 6 months.
6 months ago i got my hands on 1500 pills; half 2 mg Xanax, half 10 mg diazepam. I got them extremely cheap & my plan was that they would last for several years.
I remember so little of the time that followed.
I vaguely remember 3 tattoos (i previously had ZERO tattoos). I kind of remember embarrassing my wife in front of her whole family & a packed restaurant in an extremely inebriated state.
I definitely remember my wife walking out the door to 'stay with her parents' 2 weeks ago.
I stopped taking them 3 days ago. Withdrawals are hell. I’m smoking weed a lot and taking the odd diazepam in an attempt to wean myself off completely.
And drinking a fair bit also.
I’m tired of being wrecked all the time, but even now wish i was wrecked so i could forget it all.
I'm terrified of the depression that’s creeping up on me slowly.
I've only been married 1 year. I can’t lose her as well.
I've been reading here though, & the support network here is incredible.
I hope I’ll be here at DS a fair bit. Keep my mind busy
That's a helluva lot of benzos my friend. Be careful coming off of a habit like that. Withdrawals are potentially fatal and can include very strong seizures. If you can I suggest a doctor assisted taper as not to shock your body too much coming off of that pill-thrill, if you will (wow rhymes were not intended). You said you want to use to forget it all, but remember once you come down all the memories (a lot of them) will come back and you will be back at square one. It's best to confront these problems head on, fixing and solving these issues and to get down to the root of WHY you use to begin with. Once you find out why you use, then you can work on coping without the use of drugs. Eventually you won't have many (if any) excuses left to use as your most daunting problems will be managed. It's a process my friend. I wish you the best of luck, TDS is a fantastic place and I'm sure you will find a wealth of information and love from the people here. 
Bostonterror
Greenlighter
I am a 36 year old female with stage 4 breast cancer which has spread to my bones. I have always had a bright positive outlook on life, even after being diagnosed but in the past year I have been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I am trying to get back into the swing of life again. I have never had to deal with a serious illness, chronic pain, terminal illness, or impending death so this is all new to me. I was always a happy person and I want to get back to being that person. I am ashamed to admit that sometimes taking pain meds is the best part of my day. Despite the fact that I am a depressed whiney brat right now I am good to talk to so if anyone needs to talk I am here. I am a firm believer that we are not given more than we can handle and sometimes the BEST things in life just have not happened yet. Nothing is so bad the sun is not going to rise.
MoveTheShadow
Greenlighter
Hi, after reading all the posts and the replies it looks like such a loving caring community here, a fine place to fall.
My own story seems rather in significant in comparison to what some of you seem to be facing and that in itself shows me how incredibly strong you all are, true inspirations for this lost boy.
I've always been interested in drugs from around 13, mostly party drugs to begin with, psychedelics especially interest me. 6 months ago i used mxe for the 2nd time, woke up in a hospital after an infinity of being plasticine dripping colours, but in a trapped negative fashion rather than the delights that the tryptamines have often given me. Around an hour after waking when the visual distortions had dropped realised i was unable to speak and thought i was in a mental hospital.
I think this has triggered ptsd, i.m still struggling after 6 months, doctor said anxiety and after a horrible experience with ssri's which were 3 weeks of increased anxiety, tens times worse at least, i.m out of work, had to quit was unable to function.
I.m over the worst but left with anxiety, and lots of the physical sensations that go with it. They there to welcome me in the morning, hard to keep chin up.
A few encounters with the benzo's, and poppy tea are the only things that have seemed to help, but i know it's a slippery slope
That's me.
My own story seems rather in significant in comparison to what some of you seem to be facing and that in itself shows me how incredibly strong you all are, true inspirations for this lost boy.
I've always been interested in drugs from around 13, mostly party drugs to begin with, psychedelics especially interest me. 6 months ago i used mxe for the 2nd time, woke up in a hospital after an infinity of being plasticine dripping colours, but in a trapped negative fashion rather than the delights that the tryptamines have often given me. Around an hour after waking when the visual distortions had dropped realised i was unable to speak and thought i was in a mental hospital.
I think this has triggered ptsd, i.m still struggling after 6 months, doctor said anxiety and after a horrible experience with ssri's which were 3 weeks of increased anxiety, tens times worse at least, i.m out of work, had to quit was unable to function.
I.m over the worst but left with anxiety, and lots of the physical sensations that go with it. They there to welcome me in the morning, hard to keep chin up.
A few encounters with the benzo's, and poppy tea are the only things that have seemed to help, but i know it's a slippery slope
That's me.
mdmayhem
Greenlighter
Hi MoveTheShadow,
Sorry to hear about your awful experience and anxiety troubles
. We never think it's going to happen to us...
I remember the horrible grip on my heart every morning and trying desperately not to wake up so I could dream all day... It's absolute hell my friend, but I can promise you that it goes away.
-That's the amazing thing about the human body and mind - so many weaknesses, but such a strong resiliance and ability to adapt and change.
That desperation and hopelessness is a chemical imbalance, and we can't let things like that beat us... although it feels trapped, no way out, dead end, hopeless.
It's never true. Don't be fooled. Take a bit of time out everyday to try and see the bigger picture - write down or just recall all the things you're proud of having done in your life, all the people you love and the best things about them - failing that - think of how you feel now, and think how much worse it will be if you spend the next year aggravating or feeding the anxiety.
None of us want you to have to feel like that! - "The drugs don't work, they just make you worse" - I love drugs as much as many people have on this forum, and I'm not one to preach... I've just come to realise that instant gratification isn't particularly satisfying in the long-term.
We're all here for you, and I hope things begin to improve... Some days you'll be okay again, and then some days you'll feel like you haven't made any progress, prepare for that... But you WILL be fine.
(sorry for the essay)
xxx
Sorry to hear about your awful experience and anxiety troubles
. We never think it's going to happen to us...I remember the horrible grip on my heart every morning and trying desperately not to wake up so I could dream all day... It's absolute hell my friend, but I can promise you that it goes away.
-That's the amazing thing about the human body and mind - so many weaknesses, but such a strong resiliance and ability to adapt and change.
That desperation and hopelessness is a chemical imbalance, and we can't let things like that beat us... although it feels trapped, no way out, dead end, hopeless.
It's never true. Don't be fooled. Take a bit of time out everyday to try and see the bigger picture - write down or just recall all the things you're proud of having done in your life, all the people you love and the best things about them - failing that - think of how you feel now, and think how much worse it will be if you spend the next year aggravating or feeding the anxiety.
None of us want you to have to feel like that! - "The drugs don't work, they just make you worse" - I love drugs as much as many people have on this forum, and I'm not one to preach... I've just come to realise that instant gratification isn't particularly satisfying in the long-term.
We're all here for you, and I hope things begin to improve... Some days you'll be okay again, and then some days you'll feel like you haven't made any progress, prepare for that... But you WILL be fine.
(sorry for the essay)
xxx
MoveTheShadow
Greenlighter
No need for the apology thanks for taking time to reply so swiftly.
I wish i'd found this site a few months ago, better late than never.
Taking time out each day and writing things down is a great idea, ive relied heavily on meditation and relaxation music as i really don.t you to go on any daily meds. The ssri's really don.t work on me.
The whole experience has changed my feelings toward my drug use and now i'm alot more cautious as to what and how much i use.
It's all a learning experience, i.m mostly on top of things, i can laugh again which is nice
Good to hear your pulling through and turning things round. Tis a crazy beautiful world
X Peace Frogs X
thanks for taking time to reply so swiftly. I wish i'd found this site a few months ago, better late than never.
Taking time out each day and writing things down is a great idea, ive relied heavily on meditation and relaxation music as i really don.t you to go on any daily meds. The ssri's really don.t work on me.
The whole experience has changed my feelings toward my drug use and now i'm alot more cautious as to what and how much i use.
It's all a learning experience, i.m mostly on top of things, i can laugh again which is nice
Good to hear your pulling through and turning things round. Tis a crazy beautiful world
X Peace Frogs X
FUSIONZ
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2010
- Messages
- 130
Don't even have the energy to say hello. Read my addiction thread. Its just getting worse. For some reason I can outwit anyone. Including pretty much hypnotizing everyone I come into contact with. I manipulate everyone to do what I want. It isn't cool. I can't stop. My psychiatrist is so confused by me I get her to prescribe me the highest legal doses of vyvanse and adderall. On top of that I use powerful anaesthetic dissasociatives. Its getting bad.
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
Welcome everybody. If I wasn't sick I would reply to each of you individually because you all deserve it, but welcome to TDS. Just remember that this place will always be a safe haven to come to, if you feel upset, out of place, if you face relapse, if you're scared, we're here, don't ever be afraid to ask one of us mods for help. Not only help pertaining to Bluelight, but if you're just not sure what to do, we will always try to help you all to our best potential Be sure to read the TDS Guidelines, and of course come visit us in the TDS Social Thread because I think you will enjoy meeting the TDS community. Whether it be addiction or any other personal demons we face, I know you all have it in you to overcome and lead a happy life.
Be sure to read the TDS Guidelines, and of course come visit us in the TDS Social Thread because I think you will enjoy meeting the TDS community. Whether it be addiction or any other personal demons we face, I know you all have it in you to overcome and lead a happy life.
Pradaxa
Greenlighter
Hi All
I have been hooked to opiates/benzos for almost 12 years. I started out with the usual, and now am up to 180mg OC/roxy new form day. I also take valium but just here and there (all meds prescribed by legit physician)
From my view, I am a fully functional drug addict. Not trying to glorify what I do but outside of the drugs, every aspect of my life is in line...If and when certain people find out that I take meds and my "pain" is a result of these meds, they would be shocked. I have a good job, wife, kids, house, money, etc. I am not perfect but I truly feel that I am functioning with a BIG dark secret...my question is why? The meds are easy for me to get...almost too easy in fact. I never take more than I am supposed to and never "run out" of anything.
Last Saturday, after reading BL and thinking, I started a taper. going from 160mg day to 100-120mg....it was not as hard as I thought! The V's....they are 10's and I cut em in half and just take then when the headaches come! The first two days were actually easier than I thought! I walked 5 miles and my legs hurt but I felt like a stone was lifted off of me. I cut my dose by 30% and I was ok. Is this as bad as it gets after 12 years with NOT ONE day of break? In two weeks, I am going to go to a 40% cut....what should I expect? How about other strategies to cut down to a jump off?
What I seek here are people in my shoes. On the outside, it is all good but this opioid "problem" has to have roots somewhere...If I can understand the why it may help my taper go smoothly and have purpose. I have always done well when I have had purpose driving me. Anyone seeing a bit of themselves in my story? Best to all and thanks in advance....T
I have been hooked to opiates/benzos for almost 12 years. I started out with the usual, and now am up to 180mg OC/roxy new form day. I also take valium but just here and there (all meds prescribed by legit physician)
From my view, I am a fully functional drug addict. Not trying to glorify what I do but outside of the drugs, every aspect of my life is in line...If and when certain people find out that I take meds and my "pain" is a result of these meds, they would be shocked. I have a good job, wife, kids, house, money, etc. I am not perfect but I truly feel that I am functioning with a BIG dark secret...my question is why? The meds are easy for me to get...almost too easy in fact. I never take more than I am supposed to and never "run out" of anything.
Last Saturday, after reading BL and thinking, I started a taper. going from 160mg day to 100-120mg....it was not as hard as I thought! The V's....they are 10's and I cut em in half and just take then when the headaches come! The first two days were actually easier than I thought! I walked 5 miles and my legs hurt but I felt like a stone was lifted off of me. I cut my dose by 30% and I was ok. Is this as bad as it gets after 12 years with NOT ONE day of break? In two weeks, I am going to go to a 40% cut....what should I expect? How about other strategies to cut down to a jump off?
What I seek here are people in my shoes. On the outside, it is all good but this opioid "problem" has to have roots somewhere...If I can understand the why it may help my taper go smoothly and have purpose. I have always done well when I have had purpose driving me. Anyone seeing a bit of themselves in my story? Best to all and thanks in advance....T
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
That is really great advice. So much research is going into the power of simple gratitude as a way of resetting the brain's chemistry. Writing positive things down focuses us on the positive. Usually we are hardwired to let the positive moments go unheeded while obsessing over what scares or worries or angers us. What if we gave the same attention to what is working, what makes us happy, what brings us peace inside?
I'm really glad that both of you found you way here, MovetheShadow and mdmayhem. It's a great community and people like you two make it that way.
@Fusionz--keep working with the psychiatrist and try to force yourself into a corner of honesty. Tell the psychiatrist that you feel like you are manipulating. Out yourself to her/him so that you can try t break the cycle. It's getting worse because you are continuing with your old ways when what you really want is new ways. Maybe you are going to have to call your own bluff. Good luck and hang in there.
Pradaxa, congratulations on your decision to start tapering off! If you feel like it would be useful to you to start a thread asking for support for yourself while you are tapering, don't hesitate to do. Many people have used TDS as a sort of check-in place to record their feelings, struggles and triumphs with tapering off a drug. It can be very useful when no one else in you life even knows you are on them. There is also plenty of advice and tips to be gleaned from others experience with quitting opiates. One of the things that makes it so hard in your situation is that they are so easily come by for you. I think opiates are the new alcohol in regards to availability. Welcome!
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Bambooshoot
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2012
- Messages
- 438
Bambooshoot, you will definitely find a lot of love and support here in TDS. Im a 21yo male (ex)heroin addict and also suffer from ptsd. Im always here for support, love, and as someone to talk to. If you (or anyone) wants to chat, feel free to PM me. Lots of love to the TDS family.
Thank you Serotonin
. It means a lot to know there are people here feeling what I feel. It's hard to come by. I will PM you hun. xxx
Bambooshoot
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2012
- Messages
- 438
If only the answer was as simple as that... lets all go hand in hand...
Pradaxa
Greenlighter
Thanks much! This is a great site and I have learned much already...
_scarlett
Ex-Bluelighter
Hey everyone! My name is Scarlett. I've been addicted to opiates for 1 1/2 years, benzos for 3 years, and am living with bipolar mood disorder. I've survived suicide twice, and then survived a horrible car accident...so maybe I have a reason for being alive.
I've lurked the forum for a while, and figured this would be a good forum for me to frequent. I love helping people, and I believe I may be able to easily relate to others.
I've lurked the forum for a while, and figured this would be a good forum for me to frequent. I love helping people, and I believe I may be able to easily relate to others.
Welcome to TDS! Our loving family here welcomes you with open arms
badfish45
Bluelight Crew
Hey everyone! My name is Scarlett. I've been addicted to opiates for 1 1/2 years, benzos for 3 years, and am living with bipolar mood disorder. I've survived suicide twice, and then survived a horrible car accident...so maybe I have a reason for being alive.
I've lurked the forum for a while, and figured this would be a good forum for me to frequent. I love helping people, and I believe I may be able to easily relate to others.
Everyone has a reason to live and everyone has a reason to be happy. I hope you realize this as a good reason to fight through your addiction.
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