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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

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hi everyone. i'm cabrona, i'm 22, almost 23 and graduating in two weeks, provided i don't totally fuck up. marijuana, xanax, alcohol, opiates and cocaine have all been problems during different periods, and eating disorders have been constant for at least 10 years. i've never been arrested but it's a constant fear for a variety of reasons i'm not sure if i should get into. now i suffer from chronic pain and on top of depression, anxiety and addiction, it's a daily struggle to live through the pain, to reschedule all of my plans, to get work done through the pain. i also refuse to go on psych meds because more drugs aren't what i need. also filled with a ridiculous resentment toward a lot of family members for their abuse, payoffs and betrayal.
 
Hi cabrona, welcome to The Dark Side <3
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I too have suffered with eating disorders for about 14 years (I'm 27) so I know how hard that can be. We also have a lot of chronic pain patients here in TDS so you're not alone. If you're comfortable telling us, please feel free to talk more about your pain condition. You will find a lot of love and support here <3
 
thanks n3ophy7e and kayla2010! glad to hear from both of you, thanks for your concern. i'm new, kayla--not sure if i can PM yet?

my pain condition is a bitch, since you asked. the constant agony leaves me desperate for relief, i have to deal with assholes for meds since the doctors think i'm making this shit up, and i don't have insurance so i don't really have the money to try different doctors for any sort of relief. it's a really vicious cycle. the more assholes i deal with, the more stressed i get, the pain gets worse, and the cycle continues. frustrating, depressing, especially on top of a lot of other existing issues.
 
Im a 27 year old guy living in sweden and Im a semi-addict(alcohol mostly but thats cause I dont get allot of pills or meds that have worked for me so Ive been selfmedicating allot the last year). Im a bodybuilder(natural, lifting for 7 or 8 years now) and most of those years Ive felt like it was the meaning of my life. I lost my crazy-ass drive for it about 1½ years ago and I think it was when I first tried subutex(snorted) and something in me just clicked. I took this drug and it made me feel whole, like Ive actually resolved issues through therapy(which I havent had enough of) and I felt like I have walked on this planet all my life in pain and suddenly it was gone.

I have tried it a handful of times since then but it was the best feeling Ive had in my whole life, I no longer felt like the insecure, neurotic and constantly being ashamed Desmond when I was on it. if I had tried this before I got into bodybuilding(and I basically see this bodybuilding of mine like a drug cause thats probably what kept me from quitting it) I would probably be a junkie and/or dead today.

I struggle with depression allot and extreme insecurities in myself, never feeling good enough about myself except after reaching training-goals or being drunk or high on something. I was emotionally abused as a kid and its too long of a story to tell now, Ive also been bullied most of my life and I have never been a popular kid. When I got into bodybuilding it was the first time I ever felt like I was better than most people and I became totally obsessed and that lasted for 7 years or so, been drinking and taking too much drugs since I lost my drive for bodybuilding and Im still missing that wonderful fulfilling feeling of having something in my life I truly loved and thought was really meaningful.

I feel extremely embarrassed about my issues and I still dont like to talk about it in real life and bearing all this shit is stressing the hell out me. I secretely kind of despise my dad because I still feel like I have my umbilical cord still attached to him and his incompetence is my main stressor these days. I cant develop as a person with him in my life, its taken a long time to see this.

I cant remember Ive ever slept good and woken up feeling refreshed so ive basically been sleep-deprived for 27 years.
 
Hi all!

Came to find some like-minded people and hopefully make some new friends. 25 year old guy from Canada! I love discussing and learning all things related to addiction so I'm glad to be here.
 
Blue_Jay said:
Hi all!

Came to find some like-minded people and hopefully make some new friends. 25 year old guy from Canada! I love discussing and learning all things related to addiction so I'm glad to be here.
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We need more Canadians on here to keep them damn Americans in line so welcome =D
 
hi i'm happyacid i like to get high way too much dissasociatives are my vice i've been a k-head for the best part of 7 years started to notice my bladder failing and random pains at the pit of my stomach and the right side of my chest if i take deep breathes, i've been injecting it now for a bit over 2 years, and have had some close calls, been arrested 4 times and hospitalised 4 times due to various dissasociative misdemeanours, i'm still quite young i guess (23) but i can't seem to deal with reality without drugs, ketamine is my daily vice but i'll take most things, luckily not a massive drinker or smoker but still done a lot of psychedelics in my time and ventured into opiod addictions for a while, never smack though, only subtuex and dhc etc.

I get scared i've damaged my health beyond repair so it's so much easier to be oblivious and get out of my skull, but i'm scared i'm in last chance saloon i've *just* still got the support of my family and good friends who hate seeing what i do to myself but care for me nonetheless. i know the change has to come from within you i've been to drug counselling but i'm scared it won't be long before i take too much and don't wake up. It's very difficult dealing with a drug problem with underlying depression/personality disorders and i'm shit scared of what will be left of me once i stop taking bizarre mixes of drugs just to keep me on a level. i know no-one can help me really but it is carthartic to even write this to an anonymous group of people, i'm having genuine psychosies about my life being destined to end in the next 5 years and everyone knows but they don't want to tell me so i can enjoy it while i can, i don't know what the damage drugs has done to me but put it this way i've done a lot of everything except heroin and crack, drug servies are useless round here and i know 10x more about what i take than they do and their stratagies are completely prehistoric. as i say don't really know why i'm writing this i guess because none of you will judge me, but has anyone got any practical advice to reconfigure a perfectly working brain after numbing it for years with dissasociatives and downers. last time someone called an ambulance for me i didn't breathe at all for a good few minutes people around me were terrified i'd gone over the edge. i hate my life and i hate my self and drugs make me forget this but all i want to do is be happy without needing to get high, clean my act up, get a nice girl and start to to the positive things in life i know i have the potential to give..rambled slightly sorry i'm just trying to work thorugh 8 years of crisis and actually see a point of joining society. fuck knows. i'm not gonna go into my full life story necissarily on a public forum but i'm at my wits end and think now is the time that if i don't change i'll be joining the special brew crew and die an early unfulfilled life. i love life half the time and the other i wish i never existed.

anyone even if no one reads that or has anything to comment on it it's been a good release for me.

safe blulight
 
hi happyacid, feel free to message me if you need to talk--that's some shit, i hope things get better for you. i know the feeling of not wanting to see a professional both for your mental and physical health, but i would recommend you talk to somebody about all this. wouldn't want your health issues to progress, and it would be good to face the reality you've already acknowledged. the fact that you're here admitting how far it's gone and that you want to change and improve shows you at least have some desire to crawl out of the hole you're in. and that will help you get better, but it's important you also try to make things better with the intent of addressing your underlying issues. that's probably the most practical advice i can give you, aside from giving yourself the time to and dedicating yourself to the resources that will help you get better.

hope this helps. <3
 
My goal is to talk my boyfriend out of selling prescription drugs. He does not have to do it because he is NOT dying for money either. I guess he is just greedy maybe?
 
faceup_twopeople said:
My goal is to talk my boyfriend out of selling prescription drugs. He does not have to do it because he is NOT dying for money either. I guess he is just greedy maybe?
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That could be the case, faceup; I would also allow for the possibility that he enjoys the feeling that skirting the law and making lots of money both give him, though. I used to have many friends like this; some did not even do any drugs, but supplied almost the entire college town where I went to school. Either way, it's a dangerous and risky endeavor and you shouldn't stretch yourself too far in trying to stop his behavior. By all means, let him know that this is a problem, and make the suggestion that he stops. My suggestion is to evaluate how he reacts to this approach before taking it any further.

~ Vaya
 
Ms.Martini said:
hi. my name is navi. and i don't like talking about myself. so this is going to be short and sweet.
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If there's anything that we as staff, admins or members of BL here in TDS can do to help promote that inner strength within you in order to talk to us about that kinda stuff you just gotta let out at some point, please contact any of us. Or, perhaps, share a bit more about your story so we can get to know you , Ms.Martini! :)

Welcome to Bluelight!!!!
<3
~ Vaya
 
Hi. I am Welsh Witch. Today, is Day 2 of kicking hydrocodone. I've been taking an opiate in some form or another since 2004. I am truly, truly embarassed by this because I work in psychiatry/drug rehab industry. The whole thing started because I have chronic pain issues but last week in the midst of horrible menstral cramps I realized the hydrocodone didn't help at all. Today, I called the pharmacy today and canceled by refills. I also called by dr. and asked for a non-narcotic substitute. I feel like I should start going to AA/NA because I truly believe in the program. However, I don't want to see my patients there. My boundaries are not what they should be right now and I feel like that would be a dangerous path for me. Does anyone have experience with doing 12 Steps online? I would be willing to go to Alanon (I certainly qualify to be there). Any thoughts?
 
Congratulations on recognizing and admitting what is going on--that took a tremendous amount of humility and courage and I really admire you for it. I understand how you feel about the meetings; by all means attend al-anon if you think it would help. Any real life support you get will make this so much easier to work through. In addition to al-anon, are there any chronic pain clinics you could attend. I'm not sure where you are but here in California they are offered through the local hospitals for a very low cost. I have no experience with online meetings but I think you will get more responses to this if you start a thread with this in your title (i.e. Anyone have Experience with online AA?NA Meetings?) Good luck, and, again, props for looking at what you need to do with courage and honesty.<3
 
Welsh you're taking wonderful first steps by admitting your addiction and canceling your prescription for the hydros. The Dark Side is a wonderful place for support but nothing will help you quite real people in your life helping :)
 
I am prescribed 4 different narcotics. I joined this site, as I know nothing about how these drugs work alone or in conjunction with each other. I am hoping through reading, others may take the same meds and I can learn. I only take as directed, but I don't want to take a med if I don't have to and I am afraid about mixing opiates. Also, I wonder if one cancels out the other?
 
Hey there quicksilver, it's definitely a smart thing to read up on the medications you are prescribed. Especially with ones that are narcotics. Doctors only have a limited time with you and can sometimes unintentionally miss telling you a lot of information. They have to learn many different medications so their knowledge on one particular one may be very limited, and just the basics. You are certainly acting very smart in that way of wanting to know more!

If you have a particular combination I would suggest either asking questions in the basic Heroin & Opioid Mega Discussion or you can create your own thread if you haven't received an answer that is specific to your combination and yourself.

Welcome to the community :) <3
 
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