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Introduce Yourself! v.2.0

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My name is A and I'm 20 live in Northern VA (USA) and my life is falling apart. I've been an opiate addict for close to 5 years and will do literally any drug I can get my hands on. I sustain on a poppy pod/seed habit and do heroin whenever I can afford it. I fucking love the needle, It's a sort of sick satisfaction. I love psychedelics but stay away from most of them (lots of psychiatric breaks and bad trips). I've recently been been on an IV PCP binge for the past 2 weeks and using Adderall and Xanax whenever I get the chance. I don't give a fuck about myself or my body, nobody else does why should I? I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm suicidal but death no longer scares me. I drive fast (I'm not talking 80 in a 55 either) and do other things that could possibly kill me without even flinching. I wouldn't pull the trigger myself but I would go dancing downrange. I have no caring family, my parents could give a fuck less and my extended family is far away. I have absolutely no self esteem, none, zero. I spend a lot of time alone even though I can't stand to be in my own head or skin. I don't have a girlfriend, or even many friends for that matter. I consider myself a nice person but I only get reminded of the times I fuck up, not the good ones. I just lost my job for drug related shit (crazy story) and I'm broke as shit. I'm starting to loose my mind, everything is scrambled up, vague memories of yesterday; no memories of yesteryear. I haven't had a dream in years, I will admit that's a bit odd. I cant sleep due to crippling back pain. I would literally kill a man for a good nights rest. I smoke more pot than a DEA incinerator, it's the only thing that keeps my head from spinning till it comes off. My ex committed suicide on a heroin OD, a habit I started her on. It's my fucking fault shes dead. I'm a walking life ruiner. I've tried quitting drugs and everyone tells me I cant do it, I guess their right anyway. When you grow up being told you would never amount to anything or go anywhere in life, it manifests itself into truth. I've been to jail, inpatient rehab, and almost every outpatient TC in the state;It hasn't worked yet and I don't think I'll make it past 25 years old anyway. If anybody wants to talk or has any questions, please ask, or not, I don't really care much anymore.
 
ish. I'm really glad to see you here instead of a cloud of delusion and denial, much like others in situations like yours. You really seem to me as someone who, while having a clear mind and conscience, would still grab a helping hand. That's going to be your ticket out of hell. You will find the warmest arms to welcome you here with any problem you face. Don't ever consider that there's no chance life will ever be beautiful again. The infinite quality of time and the universe and the human spirit makes it impossible to truly back your life into a corner.
There is always a way. Let us help you find it.
 
Ish, thank you for introducing yourself. It sounds as though you are truly up against a staggering set of circumstances.

There are those that attempt to discover a new way of life; unfortunately, there are also those who believe there to be no source of light in their life's tunnel. The latter tend to self-destruct. But, by opening up to us and disclosing your story and who you believe yourself to be, I believe you've taken a necessary and first step towards enjoying being in the former group of thinkers.

Please don't lose faith in yourself. Perform a search through this forum, contact a moderator, or even post your own thread on a topic relevant to you! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the strength of our members' informed altruism :)

Hope to see you about...

~ Vaya
 
hey so, hi i'm 28 from nj. i've done alot of drugs, pretty much everything but crack n meth. heroin being my staple and what i'm currently tryin to kick. got a week or so down and slipped yesterday on 2 bags, but back to bein clean today. i still do coke sometimes, but that sometimes is like once every 3-4 months, more during the summer but thats what happens when you live at the jersey shore, especially when all those stupid guidos are running around. my boyfriends in jail pretty much for drugs, he's been gone for 2 months and has 4-5 left, maybe less with good behavior. so that's pretty much me, i've been a vegan for 11 years and i'm the proud parent of a puppy (morkie), but with his father in jail i'm now a a single parent i guess.
 
^Hello to you again! <3

I loooooooove morkies. They're so stinkin' adorable. You should post a photo of him here. :)
 
Hey guys.
Name's James, addict. 19 years old. Been lurking bluelight for about 2 years, made an account awhile ago for a question I had, and have decided to become more active on the forums.
I've been clean and then relapsed more times than I'd like to think. Since 14, I don't think I've racked up more than 7 or 8 months of clean time in one go. DOC is opiates, but I will do anything that gets me high.
I'm not very good at handling things, but I have a pretty good sense of humor which I use to deflect attention from any of my problems. I've struggled with alot of TDS things, addiction, suicide attempts and thoughts, depression, anxiety, self harm. I'm still a mess, but I find the best way I can help myself is to try and help others. I'm always there for people, but rarely open up myself. I can do it easily on here due to the anonymity that the internet provides.
I've been attending meetings since september of 2011, and met alot of good people through there, but still have a few things i dont like about NA. That being said, I still love the program and how much good it's done for people, but I still have alot of trouble working it correctly for myself.

But yes, I don't really know if I should be posting my entire life story here.
Also, I've been told I give pretty good advice (Even if I don't take any of my own) and am a pretty good listener, so if anyone ever needs to vent or anything, shoot me a PM and I'll talk with you, I'd be the last person to judge anyone haha

So uh, hi guys.
 
So Hi and welcome to all greenlighters that have found this place, S.M.F.G is re introducing himself as a new person not much chaned but S.M.F.G is in the 3rd sence.... Probably dont make sence atm but S.M.F.G is diffferent and complex....(very) am back coz of pure luck all the mods know me just comin thru to say hi on this thread as its always like coming back to the flock... ive been lost thinkin of starting a thread but dunno/// anyway S.M.F.G says hi you can calll me jason maybe atm:(
 
Vaya said:
Let me just say, first and foremost, welcome to our forum! The content of your story matches up so eerily well with my own, on almost every account, and there are many more just like yourself you are guaranteed to meet in your ventures through The Dark Side!! We're glad to have you here, I have appreciated your posts thus far. Pease continue to contribute! :D

P.S. Seinfeld ForTheWinnnn =D



Much love,

~ Vaya
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Thanks Vaya. Knowing there's others with similar stories makes me feel not as alone in my addiction. Vandalay industries!
 
Hey, I'm HnLSD for short! :) I come from Dixie also known as the hills of the South East USA. ;) I am a country boy born and raised that lives way out in the sticks. :p

I'd write a longer intro but I'm busy right at this moment. Just wanted to say nice to meet y'all and I hope everyone is doing well. Look forward to seeing y'all around. I also post in OD a lot if you go into that forum.

Sorry about breaking the trigger rule before, I'll go read them sticky threads. ;)

Have a good'un!
 
I am totally pathetic.My problem is so retarded that it's not even worth anyone reading,so just skip ahead,I just need to get it out.

I'm sitting here depressed and anxious as hell,because I have a rental inspection in a few weeks,and I'm too lethargic to get off my ass and clean the house.I've had major depressive disorder since I was 14,panic attacks since 17,and full blown panic disorder with agoraphobia for the last 2 years.I'm in my early 30's now.

I'm currently seeing a psych,and am still trying to find the right mix of meds....I've tried almost everything,and have been trying to find the right cocktail forever.I'm on a tricyclic that stops my suicidal thoughts,but makes me tired,lethargic,and even fatter (trust me,I'm already huge from years of weight gaining anti-ds).I take xanax for the panic,and a dopamine agonist as a mood brightener and to try and combat the extreme fatigue (unfortunately it's not an adhd med like I was pushing for).It's not working so well....I miss self medicating with speed like I did a few years back.

I can say I'm in a much better place than around this time 2 years ago.I had a suicide attempt and couldn't control my anxiety and couldn't leave the house by myself.So yeah,things are better now than then.

I've known for the last 3 weeks I have a rental inspection coming up and haven't managed to do anything about it....now I have 3 more weeks to clean the house,and most days it's too much of an effort to even shower and feed myself,let alone clean.
See I have a lot of pets-1 dog,1 cat and 4 rabbits (I'm actually a rabbit rescuer).My pets and my boyfriend are the only things that keep me going most days.The real estate only know about my dog,and having four rabbits living in the house is like living in a barn.The whole house is a disaster area.It not only stinks and needs serious cleaning (I only manage to keep the pet areas clean enough so my pets don't suffer) but we have too much junk and clutter,and I don't know where to put anything,or where to start tidying,and I'm so FUCKING TIRED all the time.

My boyfriend works long hours just to keep a roof over our heads at the moment,we can't afford a cleaner,and even if we could,I'd be too ashamed to let them in.The few friends I have never come to my house-I always meet them somewhere,because I'm so ashamed of the place.

And now I'm stuck in a loop.Every day when I drag myself out of bed,I promise myself I'll at least do a little cleaning.I'll take care of all of my pets,spend too long on the internet chatting to ppl (yes I'm lonely,and need to feel connected,even if it's just online) and alternate between feeling exhausted and depressed with no motivation and having panic attacks over the fact that I can't get it together to clean,and feeling terrified the house won't pass inspection and we'll end up homeless.Then I take my meds and all I'm good for is reading or watching some tv,then going back to bed,only to rinse and repeat the following day.
I don't drink caffeine as it doesn't help with my anxiety,I can't score any amphetamines,which I know would be bad for me,but I'd have the house clean in a day or two on them.Should I just say "fuck it" and load up on a tonne of energy drinks and caffeine each day to get stuff done,if that would even work,and just try to push past the massive anxiety that would induce?

If anyone is even still reading right now,I appreciate it,and I realise how petty my problems seem compared to most.I'm just a fat depressed lazy good-for-nothing lump,and feel so fucking hopeless all I can do is cry while I write this and wonder if anyone at all can relate? I need help :-( Sorry for the long ass post.Btw I'm also totally terrified that I may have said something wrong or triggering,or I've put this in the wrong place.Sorry :-(
 
Hello everyone. I'm new to this site today. My issues are: I've suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life but have been on medication for it since my early 20's, I've been on lots of diff ones and have changed many times over the years, as they stop working after awhile. I don't drink or smoke but my weakness is for pain killers, hydrocodone...any and all. I feel I'm not addicted but dependent on them. If I had 1-2 a day to take I would be fine. I do not take them anymore as I can no longer get them so I am going through the withdrawals on my own. Any advice in how to get through them, any herbal remedies or medications that can help get through them?? I would love some advice. Thanks!:\
 
MissNervosa said:
I am totally pathetic.My problem is so retarded that it's not even worth anyone reading,so just skip ahead,I just need to get it out.

I'm sitting here depressed and anxious as hell,because I have a rental inspection in a few weeks,and I'm too lethargic to get off my ass and clean the house.I've had major depressive disorder since I was 14,panic attacks since 17,and full blown panic disorder with agoraphobia for the last 2 years.I'm in my early 30's now.

I'm currently seeing a psych,and am still trying to find the right mix of meds....I've tried almost everything,and have been trying to find the right cocktail forever.I'm on a tricyclic that stops my suicidal thoughts,but makes me tired,lethargic,and even fatter (trust me,I'm already huge from years of weight gaining anti-ds).I take xanax for the panic,and a dopamine agonist as a mood brightener and to try and combat the extreme fatigue (unfortunately it's not an adhd med like I was pushing for).It's not working so well....I miss self medicating with speed like I did a few years back.

I can say I'm in a much better place than around this time 2 years ago.I had a suicide attempt and couldn't control my anxiety and couldn't leave the house by myself.So yeah,things are better now than then.

I've known for the last 3 weeks I have a rental inspection coming up and haven't managed to do anything about it....now I have 3 more weeks to clean the house,and most days it's too much of an effort to even shower and feed myself,let alone clean.
See I have a lot of pets-1 dog,1 cat and 4 rabbits (I'm actually a rabbit rescuer).My pets and my boyfriend are the only things that keep me going most days.The real estate only know about my dog,and having four rabbits living in the house is like living in a barn.The whole house is a disaster area.It not only stinks and needs serious cleaning (I only manage to keep the pet areas clean enough so my pets don't suffer) but we have too much junk and clutter,and I don't know where to put anything,or where to start tidying,and I'm so FUCKING TIRED all the time.

My boyfriend works long hours just to keep a roof over our heads at the moment,we can't afford a cleaner,and even if we could,I'd be too ashamed to let them in.The few friends I have never come to my house-I always meet them somewhere,because I'm so ashamed of the place.

And now I'm stuck in a loop.Every day when I drag myself out of bed,I promise myself I'll at least do a little cleaning.I'll take care of all of my pets,spend too long on the internet chatting to ppl (yes I'm lonely,and need to feel connected,even if it's just online) and alternate between feeling exhausted and depressed with no motivation and having panic attacks over the fact that I can't get it together to clean,and feeling terrified the house won't pass inspection and we'll end up homeless.Then I take my meds and all I'm good for is reading or watching some tv,then going back to bed,only to rinse and repeat the following day.
I don't drink caffeine as it doesn't help with my anxiety,I can't score any amphetamines,which I know would be bad for me,but I'd have the house clean in a day or two on them.Should I just say "fuck it" and load up on a tonne of energy drinks and caffeine each day to get stuff done,if that would even work,and just try to push past the massive anxiety that would induce?

If anyone is even still reading right now,I appreciate it,and I realise how petty my problems seem compared to most.I'm just a fat depressed lazy good-for-nothing lump,and feel so fucking hopeless all I can do is cry while I write this and wonder if anyone at all can relate? I need help :-( Sorry for the long ass post.Btw I'm also totally terrified that I may have said something wrong or triggering,or I've put this in the wrong place.Sorry :-(
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Awe <3 Hugz I'm sorry you feeling that way, indont really know what to say to cheer you up, except that I hope those feelings pass. I also suffer from depression sometimes and was diagnosed with MDD but it seems to come and go but lately inhave been having terrible panic attacks too and I can't escape my own brain :( I'm thinking about you <3 sending love n hugs ur way

FYI/ your beautiful amazing smart and you fuxking rock!!!!! So love it!! And show the world what your made of <3
 
Aww thank you so much Kayla,you're a total sweetheart <3

I was in one of my really bad places when I wrote that post.I still have to deal with depression and anxiety daily,but when the two of them hit me together really hard ^that's^ what happens :( I know how bad it feels to not be able to escape your own brain...are you on any meds for your panic? While they wouldn't be strong enough on their own,Rhodiola has a bit of a calming effect on me,as does Damiana (which I buy as a tea and smoke it).There's also a product called Relora which a friend said has almost stopped her panic attacks.It works by regulating cortisol levels,however I haven't tried it myself.

I think I've found an energy booster to help with cleaning.It's a pre workout supplement,and I took some last night and felt like I was on speed! I ripped through cleaning the kitchen and dining room like a girl on a mission lol.I'm very sore today from using muscles I haven't used in a long time,so I'm going to take it easy today and get back into it tomorrow.This supplement might just be exactly what I need to get me through *fingers crossed*

Hope you're having a great day/night wherever you are,and I'm so glad I met you here :)
 
Hey guys. I am just writing because i have to share this, and i do not have anyone to listen, or that will pay attention or care. I am 19 years old, and dont know where to start. My life was 'normal' until i started to take bad notes at school and began feeling alone and sad. But i thought this was normal for my age, since nobody cared. I failed my first year at school with 16 years old (2008/2008). I do not think it was my fault, since i just was never able to study by myself or to pay any attention to whatsoever. Of corse that makes me feel sad and dumb, but what can i do? i do not believe that if i really want to study i can do it, you know? So i changed school, but failed again. shit is just to hard.
So i went to a private school (2010/2011), and i did the year. But my school is known by giving good grades. And this years i made it again. But even if my private school is too easy, i just made the nacional exames because i was diognosed ADD and started taking ritalin. I wanted to take it, it was me to go to the psychiatrist and tell her that riatlin would help me. and it helped. But, you see, ritalin made me so sad, i just wanted to cry all the time, i didnt kknow what to do (yes, like go home or be with friends), i felt very depressd. This was when i started to need to smoke hash to feel better. I smoke hash everyday since september or so.
Sorry, i dont know where to start again. If i am not really really high and i am alone, i just became very sad and miserable. I cant stand it, so I do the possibles to be with my friends all the time. But of corse it worries me... When i am not minimally high, i am sad, anxious. And another thing happened, when i come home, even if i am high, everything my family does or says annoys me. And i get even more sad, because i love them and i cannot understand what makes me have such bad feelings about them... ( live with my parents and sister)
I almost think i am going to die when alone ate night. I just want that the time flies to go meet my friends and smoke a joint.
I dont know what to say more, I wake up happy because i have a bong in the bathroom; I can sleep whell if i smoke before bed...
The thing is, i love cannabis so much that i cant think in the possibility of stop smoking... I am not a pot head, i use cannabis more often to feel normal (smoke a bit ate home, during the day, before going to the supermaket) thank to get extremely high. But i am capable to take the decission to stop...
And i am worried about my feelings, i just want to scream the anger in me when i my microwave doesnt work, but the next hour i am with my friends in the bus goint somewere and i just want to scream that i love that so much and that i am so happy. I even stoped getting to high on mdma because i cant stant the hangovers and that moment when all the love vanishes.
Also, how can i stop smoking hash is all my friends do it 24/7?
Thank you, i just needed to write, even is this does not make sense, or if it is confusing (because english is not my native language too). I just know that after this i am a little bit more happy (i didnt smoke yet today))
 
Hi I'm halfwaycrook,
I'm going through a hard time in life die to paranoia/fear of being bullied. Also i searched Google for sites that'll help me out and this is it, I wish to find solutions for my problems and hope you all do too. One love!
 
^ Hey, migazaur and halfwaycrooks, welcome to both of you. You are definitely in the right place.

migazaur--ritalin can really help with focus but can also make you really depressed. You need to talk to your psychiatrist about the depression. Your feelings sound very overwhelming and confusing. Have you considered talking to a counselor or therapist? Feel free to PM me anytime.

halfwaycrooks--bullying is serious business. I don't know how old you are but if you are in school have you already tried talking to a school counselor? Nobody deserves bullying. Whatever is happening you are not alone. Jump in here in the social threads, start a thread of your own for support. PM me or any other mod if you are feeling overwhelmed.

You both came to the right place!<3
 
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