I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
-
Bluelight
Shrine
A memorial
to Bluelighters
who have passed away
Guess he finally found his peace he was always looking for
Smh.
Haven't lurked these boards in a while but I can say that I learned a TON in regards to harm reduction from CaptainHeroin.
It's impossible to say how many others' lives were saved as the direct result of his harm reduction protocols listed on these boards.
Rest in peace.
=(
Guess he finally found what he was always looking for
Didn't know CH personally but when I first found this site (briefly on an old account) he helped me feel better when I was grieving. RIP 
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The world has everyone's lives Turned up side down and shaking!!In deep depression it can be so hard to see anything other than what's going on with yourself.
He had a lot of friends. I hope he realized just how widely loved he was.
I am so afraid to even look at national and Worldwide suicide , and OD numbers??
I feel that Most times ODs are NOT suicide, [ Just got the Recipe WRONG} , But for some people Clean for a long time and a huge promoter of Harm reduction, as well as very intelligent, it is a pleasant {Personality; Not for who if left behind
) than other scary methods!!The Capt has Helped so many people and Most time that human connection , will keep people with use, but not always
Love - ICE
Seem to remember this car since way back, fing shame but unfortunately I and waaay too many have become numb, numb to losing close loved ones, numb to the killings in mexico, here in the Americas we are living that dream let me tell you. As much as I like to warn kids(18-25) getting involved in wholesale or even retail sales. Part of me wants to say don't depend on college, on mom and dad or most of all uncle Sam our real father(hiding out somewhere in a rock and roll band in the strangest of psyops one could ever imagine, and we thought mk-ultra was. "Bad" I wish more people had Dr friends or CEO friends they would quickly realize the "legal" game makes selling compounds look like child's play..literally. It's so comforting to know a bunch of psychopaths are running most of our "programs" anyway these are the same type of fucks pushing metric tons of oxy in virtually any pharmacy that would kinda look the other way "oh well we.felt one the 10 point pain scale, if they say they are in pain you.treat them as much i.e. Opiates etc. I'm torn because I do believe that not one person who is truly in physical pain should go without proper pain meds at a drs/er. Worst case y ok have someone 15 pills people lol. Also the addict "seeking" meds is in pain just pain of a different sort. Legalize drugs! Help save lives. Did capita n h d ie from gent or H? Okay wow this bubble bath has me way too ba ked and on tangents left and right RIP Capt.
The world has everyone's lives Turned up side down and shaking!!
I am so afraid to even look at national and Worldwide suicide , and OD numbers??
I feel that Most times ODs are NOT suicide, [ Just got the Recipe WRONG} , But for some people Clean for a long time and a huge promoter of Harm reduction, as well as very intelligent, it is a pleasant {Personality; Not for who if left behind
The Capt has Helped so many people and Most time that human connection , will keep people with use, but not always
Love - ICE
I believe whether this was suicide depends on how you define it.
I'm not sure how I would define it, only what I believe this was. A drug overdose prompted by suicidal indifference.
The part that perhaps most pains me is the comment earlier that he might have felt at the time that he wasn't loved, cause it couldn't have been further from the truth.
'The part that perhaps most pains me is the comment earlier that he might have felt at the time that he wasn't loved, cause it couldn't have been further from the truth.'
I do agree with you on this point, We and Many others Loved the Capt. , But I do not know if he believed that or felt it Himself??? The few times we interacted he was, Honest, helpful and caring towards me!! I reached out with true affection, and wanted to see if I could help him to continue this journey we call LIFE?
I would read his posts , get scared then reach out and see that He Seemed Better than the vocabulary of his Posts?? I wonder if we all have this feeling in our Guts that, " He seemed OK, or Better, just a passing bad moment?
All we can do is show up and try to help, give guidance, support and Hope!! It is a very personal decision of what type and if we take any help??
R.I.P. the one and only [CAPT. H.]}
I do agree with you on this point, We and Many others Loved the Capt. , But I do not know if he believed that or felt it Himself??? The few times we interacted he was, Honest, helpful and caring towards me!! I reached out with true affection, and wanted to see if I could help him to continue this journey we call LIFE?
I would read his posts , get scared then reach out and see that He Seemed Better than the vocabulary of his Posts?? I wonder if we all have this feeling in our Guts that, " He seemed OK, or Better, just a passing bad moment?
All we can do is show up and try to help, give guidance, support and Hope!! It is a very personal decision of what type and if we take any help??
R.I.P. the one and only [CAPT. H.]}
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There are few members that have been as visible and active over the years as Captain Heroin. He was one of those posters who you always knew would be here no matter of it had been a few years since you last checked the site.
He was very knowledgeable and definitely shared his experiences and knowledge to add to the purpose of harm reduction and the site as a whole.
This is my 3rd or 4th username over the years. I've been coming here since 2001 or before. RIP Cap. I'm glad you are at peace but sorry you aren't on this earth anymore.
He was very knowledgeable and definitely shared his experiences and knowledge to add to the purpose of harm reduction and the site as a whole.
This is my 3rd or 4th username over the years. I've been coming here since 2001 or before. RIP Cap. I'm glad you are at peace but sorry you aren't on this earth anymore.
So many of us reached out to try and help him. I told him how I was afraid he might end up on the shrine and offered many times to be someone he could talk to and told him how I cared.
Depression fucks with your mind though, it pulls you into a pit of despair and lies to you about how much people care about you and how devastated they would be to lose you.
I've been there, there were moments at my worse where I was literally within moments of death. But I'm one of the lucky ones. I didn't die then and eventually found a way through it. And as deeply depressed I've been this past year and as overcome with grief as I have been these last few days, I intend to live.
I only wish cap could have found the same, afraid as I was I always held out hope that he would.
Love you cap, I know you didn't mean to hurt us like this.... if there was anymore I could have done I'm sorry.
CH was a genuinely good person and I don't think he ever intended to hurt us. Sometimes the burdens just become too much to also bear the consequences for others.
He had a way of communicating that captured your heart and spoke to your deepest emotions. We will all miss his presence and his inspired writing.
He had a way of communicating that captured your heart and spoke to your deepest emotions. We will all miss his presence and his inspired writing.
He wrote so much and had such an interesting mind and philosophies.
A lot of the time I had no idea if what he was saying was nonsense or if he was just soooooo far ahead of me that I didn't understand it.
I know it's a fairly cliche one, but I think this Jack Kerouac quote is appropriate
“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'"
I wrote this already in the staff forum, but I wanted to put it out there for everyone to read...
My last suicide attempt, Cap reached out to me. My last overdose/hospitalization, Cap hmu. When I first realized I had to get a divorce, Cap checked in with me to see if I was ok.
THAT is the type of dude he was. Didn't matter who you were or how long you've been around. He made sure you were ok. He swapped dark stories and cynicism with you.
We should all aspire to be more like CH, and we should all be trying to emulate his helping nature. Really I envy him for the peace that he's gained now, because it feels so far away for me.
I never met someone more consumed by (and obsessed with) death than me. I don't talk about it that much, because I'm trying to be more positive overall, but death has followed me like a hawk since childhood and I'm constantly consumed by a longing for it.
But Cap made all that shit go away for me. He made the problems of life seem insignificant in the grand scheme, and he always managed to put the good things in perspective.
That is something I pray I will always keep in my heart. That no matter how bad things get, they can be overcome simply by helping another human.
I just hope everyone takes this loss as a reminder that this shit is REAL! It will take the strongest of us if we let it. We have got to be there for each other. We have got to LOVE each other unconditionally. Because we are IT. ALL we have in this world is each other.
My last suicide attempt, Cap reached out to me. My last overdose/hospitalization, Cap hmu. When I first realized I had to get a divorce, Cap checked in with me to see if I was ok.
THAT is the type of dude he was. Didn't matter who you were or how long you've been around. He made sure you were ok. He swapped dark stories and cynicism with you.
We should all aspire to be more like CH, and we should all be trying to emulate his helping nature. Really I envy him for the peace that he's gained now, because it feels so far away for me.
I never met someone more consumed by (and obsessed with) death than me. I don't talk about it that much, because I'm trying to be more positive overall, but death has followed me like a hawk since childhood and I'm constantly consumed by a longing for it.
But Cap made all that shit go away for me. He made the problems of life seem insignificant in the grand scheme, and he always managed to put the good things in perspective.
That is something I pray I will always keep in my heart. That no matter how bad things get, they can be overcome simply by helping another human.
I just hope everyone takes this loss as a reminder that this shit is REAL! It will take the strongest of us if we let it. We have got to be there for each other. We have got to LOVE each other unconditionally. Because we are IT. ALL we have in this world is each other.
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Whether he felt loved or not.may or may not be relevant
IMO though having ppl love you is not enough to keep a person suffering so much living and not destroy yourself with opioids or commit suicide.
In other cases it may be the thing that keeps them fighting through their own hell they would rather end.
We've seen huge superstars loved and adored by millions still take their own lives (avicii is a recent example). When you suffer that much, the fact that ppppl love you is a burden rather than blessing because then you have guilt about hurting them by choosing to end or blunt your own suffering knowing it hurts them.
I don't know if this is the appropriate place for it, but one of his writings I will always remember was his IV MDA trip report on BL. It's like one of those legendary erowid reports etched into my mind that you just don't forget even like 10 years later.
I'm sure you have people to talk to but death has been a huge part of my life I've been brought back 3 times and have attempted suicide as well almost successfully.
If u ever need anyone to talk to pm me I'll shoot you a number. I never want to see anyone not have someone to talk to when they need it. I've lost too many that didn't have someone when they needed it
Thank you so much. I have had a lot of close calls myself, and have had a lot of people die in my life. Two of these close calls being last year when I disappeared from here for several months.
I've gotten a little bit better but it's still difficult. You can never have enough people to talk to, and that's the main point I wanted to make. It is tough to reach out when you get really desperate, but it's important to keep that in mind.
I don't want to live solely on the guilt I have over hurting people. I want to actually be happy, actually be fulfilled. But it does feel like it's primarily guilt that drives me some days...
Aww I'm so sorry I'm glad you found your way back. You're welcome!
You can't live with that guilt it will eat you up. The only way to start escaping that is to right your life as much as possible and stay out of the past. I know it's hard not to dwell.
I think you have to look at it that the people you feel guilty about hurting have to be somewhat close to you. Those who are close to you don't want to see you hurting or hurt yourself. The way to right some of this wrongs is just to make resolutions to do better. None of us are perfect. But we all deserve our place on this earth.
I'm glad to help in any way. Keep your head up and stick around. We only get one shot at this!
You are absolutely correct, and your support is valuable and necessary around here at this time.
Im in tears
Its been 8 years since I've been here (old user name seconal) and I was recently thinking about my old friend CH. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw this thread . It was 2009 when CH and his girlfriend came to chill with me. We meet on this site in 2008. Andy was a fantastic young man who was so sweet. I feel so bad that I didn't come back here earlier because I wanted to come back and see how he was doing.
I hope he is in a happier place. Ill miss u man
Its been 8 years since I've been here (old user name seconal) and I was recently thinking about my old friend CH. I nearly dropped my phone when I saw this thread . It was 2009 when CH and his girlfriend came to chill with me. We meet on this site in 2008. Andy was a fantastic young man who was so sweet. I feel so bad that I didn't come back here earlier because I wanted to come back and see how he was doing.
I hope he is in a happier place. Ill miss u man