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I'm done

Thanks Just A Guy :)

I did less today than I did yesterday. I went for about six hours borderline sick. It was ok - I was antsy, but otherwise it was ok. It felt good to be clearheaded, but the anxiety started a little bit and kind of ruined it a little. Plan to do less tomorrow than I did today. I'd like to have sat or sun be my first totally clean day.
 
Look at addiction as its a horse, and you are the horsemen, if you don't take controle and get mad at him he will just sprint into the woods and there is not a thing you can do, all you can do is just ride along with it, however, if you love the horse and let the horse accept that you are in command, togheter you can go anywere, love the horse and feed it healthy, give it rest and a calm place, and you might be best friends, the horse may get grumpy from time to time, but he will listen to you because you are in command.

Take care and stay strong.
 
BlueSaffron said:
I have a new outlook on life, and a new plan for making decisions. If I was 90 and on my deathbed, and looking back on this moment in life, what would I wish I had done? I'm asking myself that about everything going on in my life, everything I need to make a decision about. The answer to the heroin question is: I would wish I'd taken this opportunity and just quit. So that's what I"m going to do.
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That is really amazing that you can use that to your advantage. I believe that we have wise, wise hearts at any age but when you are young it is so much easier to act impulsively as you have the unconscious influence of that warped view of time--that you have all the time in the world! At 60 things are flying by so fast and I am starting to employ that same thinking in my decision-making. Basically, mine goes like this: if not now, when?=D

Blues, you have had an incredible life-learning experience courtesy of this struggle. To read back over your whole thread is very moving. You have a lot to share that can help others. This is the core of what this community does best. Honest vulnerability, transparency, a willingness to try to tease apart all the complex strands that form the tangle of addiction and to lay it all out on the page. You probably don't realize how much you help others by simply telling your story as you go. Thanks for all of it and I hope that someday, as a ninety year old, you check back in the Bluelight archives and say, "There it was, there is the day that I listened fully to my wise heart."
 
herbavore said:
Blues, you have had an incredible life-learning experience courtesy of this struggle. To read back over your whole thread is very moving. You have a lot to share that can help others. This is the core of what this community does best. Honest vulnerability, transparency, a willingness to try to tease apart all the complex strands that form the tangle of addiction and to lay it all out on the page. You probably don't realize how much you help others by simply telling your story as you go. Thanks for all of it and I hope that someday, as a ninety year old, you check back in the Bluelight archives and say, "There it was, there is the day that I listened fully to my wise heart."
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Brilliant, and spot on.
 
Thank you herbavore <3 I really do hope reading all this helps somebody.

I spent most of the morning kind of sick, just did a little bit now, and am putting it away until bedtime. The stuff I'm getting right now sucks anyway, so that helps - there's less compulsion to do it because it doesn't really do much for me other than get me well and give me a warm, pleasant feeling. There's no heroin euphoria. The old me would've found a new connect... the new me can't be bothered. I'm quitting anyway. :)
 
Got up a little while ago and did just enough to take the edge off. This is progress for me, because it's always hard for me to not do a lot in the am since that's when I feel it the most. Not today tho. I'm going to try to stay clearheaded all day. sometimes my brain gets whingy, like "but we dont feel that good, do a little more", but I need to remember that I could be going cold turkey, sweating, puking, running to the toilet, tossing and turning. This isn't even discomfort, its just the lack of the high that I'm used to. I WILL get through it. It's a gorgeous day out, I need to go outside and get some sunshine.

I CAN do this. I can I can I can.
 
Yes, you can, BlueSaffron! I always gave in to that whingy voice in my head, so credit for sticking with the plan. Tons of positive thoughts to you!
 
hi There Blue! i've been a silent reader of your thread for a couple of months now. And all i can say, you sir is an inspiration to me!

i wonder how are you now?/ it's been a while since your last visits.
 
I admire your enthusiasm and never want to discourage anyone from getting away from h. Unfortunately there's only one or two options at the end of that path ...either we learn and quit or we don't ..ever. I would say to you though that a good taper is worth the effort. I've quit dope as many times as I've found an excuse to celebrate or say screw it which ever gave me an excuse. As an addict I had taught myself to live for consumption. Long tapering and even maintenance is the highest success rate in the end and also allows you to relearn how to live like a human again vs. "Cookie " monster ..lol. Good luck to you and just remember those emotions and freedom of sobriety are worth the time and effort it can take to make it stick.
 
Hang in there Blue Saffron, You can do this! I tapered heroin… it was the hardest thing in my life to do, just using it to hold me and having withdrawals intermittently for a few weeks. Oy!

Once I was done the withdrawals were not as severe as I was gradually cutting down over time. The mental part was there, but the physical was hardly noticeable as it was already happening while I was tapering. I also had seizure meds which helped. Anyways, It IS so worth it.. Sending good vibes your way right now. <3 :)
 
BlueSaffron said:
I"ve still been using - not much, but still using, and letting myself get high maybe once every 3 days. But in the last few days something trippy has happened. I just don't like it anymore. I've never felt this way about dope before. I actually went to the 9ers game with a friend today, and brought some dope in a little eyedrops bottle. I didn't bring enough and it kinda wore off, I was getting borderline sick on the way home, and while I was looking forward to getting well, at the same time, I realized I was dreading that fuzzy, sedated feeling. It felt good to be sharp, and clear, and feel like myself and be able to think. Of course I went home and got well, and then got high, because old habits die hard and I think this is my last night getting high so I have to get high, right? The last hurrah is a thing.

But the gods honest truth, on everything I hold sacred, is that I dont like it anymore. I don't like how it feels.

I posted in the November sober thread that in two weeks it'll be a year since I got off methadone the first time and relapsed a couple days later. I really don't want to start on year two of being back to the dope addict life, so my goal is to be done with it by Nov. 15th... but something came up today, and I may have a chance to take a trip to LA to see someone I care about, and obviously I can't bring dope on the plane. I need to go there within two weeks, so I'm going to do my best to taper down and be good as soon as possible. I also have gabapentin and I may use that for a few days if I need to.

I started this thread in May. It's been six months since I've been trying to get clean again, and here goes another try. The difference is, instead of trying to keep myself from doing something I really want to do, I'll be stopping something I don't want to do anymore anyway.

I'm starting tomorrow morning by doing the least amount possible, and then going as long as possible without doing more. Will report back tomorrow.

I have a new outlook on life, and a new plan for making decisions. If I was 90 and on my deathbed, and looking back on this moment in life, what would I wish I had done? I'm asking myself that about everything going on in my life, everything I need to make a decision about. The answer to the heroin question is: I would wish I'd taken this opportunity and just quit. So that's what I"m going to do.
Click to expand...

I tried this thing of having a little less and it did work but not for a long time. What ever suits you.
Everyone is different. For me, being the drug of choice was basically impossible to do just a smaller dose.
There was a certain day that I decided to do it once fully equipped since I 'had the control' and that got me in trouble.
So good for you if it works. It´s like it´s posted above you have to domain it like having it as your horse.

At the end, I had to use something controlled by a third person, a doctor. And that was mmt. I did not like it, it wasn´t my choice but I never got back.
Some say that´s worse than h. but it´s not for me to control so I don´t relapse, ever.
At least until nowadays, and counting..
 
are you still on methadone? I've tried it a few times now, and it hasn't worked. I don't know how much of that is because of the nature of methadone withdrawl and how much is that I just wasn't ready, but I'm ready now. I don't even think I'm going to finish what I have, I'll probably end up giving some of it back.

I mean it when I say I don't like it anymore... I get no euphoria out of it now, I don't know if its the dope I'm getting or what - Im using the same guy but yesterday I got some stuff that was different, it actually seems stronger, but I still dont like it and still dont feel any euphoria, it just takes away my sickness and if I do a lot leaves me feeling fuzzy and underwater and disconnected from the world, and not in a good way. The only hard thing is the depression and anxiety from being sick. When I use it's to control that, not to get high, because I'm just not getting a high from it anymore.

Did ok today with my use. Hopefully tomorrow even less, and maybe monday I'll skip the morning dose and see how that goes, and just use at night to sleep for the next few days, and then off.
 
Well this sucks :) no depression tho, thank fuck. Just sweaty, chills, aches and a little anxiety. Oh and my whole body hurts and my nose is running. And its not even 9 am.

Embrace the suck, right? Might watch Goodfellas, i love that movie... Thatll be good for a couple hours of distraction.
 
U want to know the fucked part? I actually DID some this morning, and I still feel like this. Fuck, maybe my tolerance was higher than I thought. I've got eye zaps and everything, I'm not well, I'm kicking, I just took the edge off.

I could pop some gabapentin but for some reason I dont want to. I actually dont like taking drugs. I only like heroin, nothing else.

I'm weirdly excited though, even though I feel like shit. Trippy. I do feel spaced the fuck out though.
 
How's is going BlueSaffron? Hang in there! :)

I had a dream last night I was walking on the boardwalk in Santa Monica between jobs and was carrying all my old forms of H and oxy and they kept falling on the ground. I was conflicted, and in physical pain about to use, but I kept putting it off, and the drugs kept falling on the boardwalk… The sun was beaming down on my face and it was really hot. I kept putting them back into my pocket with with the lighters and all… and I was with my sister suddenly talking I have not seen in years. I never got around to using and the dream kept going on and on and on, like addiction does…

So glad it wasn't real. Oy! It was truly life and death for me… in reality. :\
 
15 hours with no dope

Did my last dope at 4 pm yesterday, started getting sick at 9, and took a gabapentin instead. It helped a LOT, but gave me some shortness of breath, which sucked. I did fall asleep though, which is kind of a miracle considering I was starting to get sniffly before I took the gabapentin. It's such a trip, it takes everything away, just like an opiate would.

I've just woken up this am, pretty sick, going to take another gabapentin and not call my dealer like I'm dying to.

I like your dream Smoky. I think it means those old things you don't need are just falling away, and you can't be bothered to pick them up because you have better things in your life now :)
 
failed at 19 hrs. I never took the gabapentin this am. I should have. Going to take one when I get sick tonight, & try again tomorrow.

Still, 19 hrs is the longest I have gone without in a long time. I sat there sick all morning and half the afternoon before I gave in. Before I could take about an hour of sickness before saying fuck it.

God I hate posting that I failed. People are so supportive here... I feel like you all must be so sick of my bullshit.
 
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Not at all BlueSaffron sick of any bullshit. I don't see it anyways. I see someone that has been through ALOT, and is still trying… moving forward regardless.

I don't view relapse as a failure, addiction is an illness… and using at least for me after a few days this year - strengthened the awareness once again to give me a more solid foundation for trying again with the hindsight that once sober … I was reminded how much it didn't work in my life. If I didn't pick up after my first few days then again after 30 days I wouldn't have that time to remember and reinforce my reality how strong addiction truly is.

I went through the same thing, not wanting that Gabapentin all the time, but argh - made myself take it finally! I even had it right near my bed and forced myself to take it in the morning in bed for an hour before getting up, lol.

Thank you for the dream interpretation. It means a lot to me. You pretty much summed it up in a way I didn't see.

Hang in there,

Smoky :)
 
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