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I'm done

Soo today was your last dose, right? Just look at it this way, from here on out you know for a 100% fact that things are only going to get better. This depression and anxiety you're feeling is only temporary. Force yourself to do what you can as far as exercise and diet and going out with friends and whatever it is you need to do in order to get your brain to start doing what it needs to be doing again. Even if you don't feel like doing it. It will make you feel better faster, I promise.

Hang in there Blue, you're doing soooo good!! I'm proud of you!! Look at how far you've come, that at least has to make you feel a little bit good right?? :D <3
 
Thank you guys... I'm really stressed out. Besides being sick and all that, I'm having serious doubts about taking this job. I'm supposed to start on monday, and I calculated and its not really enough to move out on my own. Even if I got a really cheap place - the math just doesn't work. And that was the whole point of getting the job - being able to move out on my own. Besides, its like an hour and a half away - at first I was like, that's ok because I'm going to move soon, to the next town over. But it's only supposed to be a 6 month job that *might* go longer, and at the rate I'm paid its going to take me two months to save enough to move out, and that's bare bones - so then I'll be in an apt barely making it and the job will end in a few months. The people who I've told about it are all like "oh that's so far, you're going to drive that far for that amount of money?". So maybe I shouldn't take it and I should just keep looking til I find something that pays better and is permanent?

At the same time, far away and low pay or not, it IS a job.

I don't know what to do :/
 
Hey Blue, give us an update on how you're doing pleaseee :)

I sent you a PM, but figured I'd post in your thread too. Just in case you're like me and you check your PMs, like, never. haha
 
Hoping/praying/wishing for you Blue. I know it is not easy but if anyone is strong to do this, it is you!
 
Just an update: I relapsed a few day after my last methadone dose, just like last time. Used for two weeks or so and since then I've been tapering. I'm doing really well, at a super low dose, and so it's going to be time soon to bite the bullet and do the last bit, the hard part. Tonight I had a bad night (and day) and got high for the first time since I started tapering...and the funny thing is, it didn't even really fix anything. I'd honestly rather be sober.

My goal is to be clean by October. Anyway, just an update - I know most of you quit following this story when I relapsed, and that's fine, but for anyone still interested, I thought I'd post what's going on.
 
The thing is though, I wasn't doing good. If you go by whether I was clean or not or if I was tapering, then yeah, I was doing good, but mentally I was a mess. I felt like I was going crazy, like I didn't know who I was anymore. It's hard to explain and I don't think there's any point in trying, because no matter what I say people are just going to be like "oh detox is tough, you just have to push through". NO SHIT. It was more than just detox blues. I felt like I lost who I was as a person completely, I couldn't enjoy anything, it messed up what was supposed to be something really cool in my life... I've never felt anything like it in my life, and it was basically unbearable.

Now that I'm tapering heroin, it's different. I don't have the crushing depression. I"m starting to feel like myself again, slowly. So for me, it feels like the right thing. I'M NOT GETTING HIGH. I'M NOT ON A RUN. I get the feeling that's what people think, but if I was, I'd say I was, I'd just be like "you know what, since I relapsed I"m going to spend a few weeks getting fucked up". But it's not like that - I do a tiny bit in the morning and a tiny bit at night so I'm not sick, that's it. I'm lessening the amount little by little, but I'm trying to go slow. I got high once since I started tapering, that's it. I'm still on the same piece I copped last week, that tells you how little I'm doing.

The methadone fucked me up, to the point where when I took my last dose and that was it, I just didn't have the mental strength to see it through-the thought of weeks more of feeling like that - I couldn't do it. I felt like I couldn't think straight. For some reason tapering heroin doesn't make me feel that way - I feel kind of sick and crappy and bummed sometimes, but it's not the insane depression I had when tapering methadone.

tl:dr - the methadone messed with my mind - or being dopesick from it all the time did. But I'm tapering heroin right now and hope to be off it soon. I haven't given up, and I still want a sober, happy life.
 
Hey your doing great Blue!!<3 all wacked out is just they way we get. This is why I say fuck the taper.. months of misery followed by the hell we were trying to avoid,

You can and will do this, just have to accept the fact that your going to feal like shit and go crazy for a little while.

There is no easy way out, all we have to do is accept the fact that this is true and decide to wander out anyway.. sucks sweaty dog balls, but its the only way and way better then remaining a slave to misery. Shit you can and will do this. Its only temporary and you will find a place you thought no longer existed in less than a year.. no reason to linger in hell as its gota be done eventually.. no time better than now.. jump for good.. the only thing your holding onto is misery though your mind tells you otherwise
 
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I still think you did great. It was an impossible task the way you were doing it. Methadone is a monster and probably the hardest opiate to get off. Great for maintenance (I guess) but nearly impossible for any kind of fast taper or CT....definitely very uncomfortable in this regard.

My only successful opiate quit was a very slow, multi year, taper off suboxone.

What you did takes serious ⚽⚽ and only serves to prove that you do have the willpower to successfully recovery from your addiction.
 
Couldn't have said it better myself Neversickanymore it's all mind over matter being sober is a natural high all in itself.I did a short term suboxone detox for 4 days only.Today is 2 weeks no Suboxone and 18 days since last oxycodone. I am completely over all withdrawal symptoms energy is back no headaches as of 3 days ago no deprssion anymore im just happy and naturally high on life its GREAT !!! Good luck to everyone trying to free thierself once and for all too.
 
I've been a I'v h user for almost 7 years now was on subs for a year ended up IVIng the subutex then relapsing decided that I've beer to 9 rehabs 2 sober livings and 2 suboxone runs that's methadone is my last choice been on 70 mg for 2 months now I don't crave opiates at all but I sweat so much on it ,guess it's better than sticking needles in your arm and stealing

It's hard I'm 27 and wasted tons of time just so hard
 
neversickanymore said:
Hey your doing great Blue!!<3 all wacked out is just they way we get. This is why I say fuck the taper.. months of misery followed by the hell we were trying to avoid,

You can and will do this, just have to accept the fact that your going to feal like shit and go crazy for a little while.

There is no easy way out, all we have to do is accept the fact that this is true and decide to wander out anyway.. sucks sweaty dog balls, but its the only way and way better then remaining a slave to misery. Shit you can and will do this. Its only temporary and you will find a place you thought no longer existed in less than a year.. no reason to linger in hell as its gota be done eventually.. no time better than now.. jump for good.. the only thing your holding onto is misery though your mind tells you otherwise
Click to expand...

thanks neversick. I'm thinking it won't be too bad - I've been using less than a month. Just trying to get down as low as I can before jumping. You're right about the taper - with methadone anyway. Bad idea, unless you're going SUPER slow.
 
Azure Cloud said:
I still think you did great. It was an impossible task the way you were doing it. Methadone is a monster and probably the hardest opiate to get off. Great for maintenance (I guess) but nearly impossible for any kind of fast taper or CT....definitely very uncomfortable in this regard.

My only successful opiate quit was a very slow, multi year, taper off suboxone.

What you did takes serious ⚽⚽ and only serves to prove that you do have the willpower to successfully recovery from your addiction.
Click to expand...

thank you <3
 
shawnzquitting - you're doing awesome :) Youre one of my inspirations.

DrinksWithEvil said:
I've been a I'v h user for almost 7 years now was on subs for a year ended up IVIng the subutex then relapsing decided that I've beer to 9 rehabs 2 sober livings and 2 suboxone runs that's methadone is my last choice been on 70 mg for 2 months now I don't crave opiates at all but I sweat so much on it ,guess it's better than sticking needles in your arm and stealing

It's hard I'm 27 and wasted tons of time just so hard
Click to expand...

Just go down slow, thats my methadone advice :)

It IS hard. I feel like we kind of forget how to make ourselves happy without opiates... learning to do that again is just difficult, because at first you have no idea what to do really. But the brain is incredibly adaptable, and it will learn again how to make itself happy without chemicals.




So... I was doing some thinking tonight, and I realized that heroin is never going to kiss me in the rain at 2 am, or fuck me into oblivion, be there when I need to talk, or hold me til I fall asleep. At best all it's ever been was a hollow replacement. Sometimes it felt pretty good... but if I"m honest with myself those days are long gone. I'm not saying I don't get high, but it's never like it was at first. The first few months using, (back in the day) it truly, honestly was fucking amazing. Then you spend the rest of your using days trying to get that again. And you know what? You never do.

I need to stop being afraid of chasing my dreams, and then using heroin to numb the pain of hating where I'm at and what I'm doing. I got high tonight, but I was still sad. It doesn't even do its job properly anymore.

It's almost October. Time is going by, the clock is ticking, the world is going on without me as I cop one more time, one more time, one more time, always searching searching searching for what I need IN A FUCKING DOPE BAG. What I need is not in a dope bag, and it never will be.
 
I've made a goal for next monday, Oct 6, to be my last day using, so Oct. 7 should be my first clean day. And you know what - it's going to be different this time. No matter what happens, I'm going to think positive and take steps to make my life better. I've been settling for so much less than I want and need, for years. I'm not going to do that anymore.
 
BlueSaffron said:
shawnzquitting - you're doing awesome :) Youre one of my inspirations.



Just go down slow, thats my methadone advice :)

It IS hard. I feel like we kind of forget how to make ourselves happy without opiates... learning to do that again is just difficult, because at first you have no idea what to do really. But the brain is incredibly adaptable, and it will learn again how to make itself happy without chemicals.




So... I was doing some thinking tonight, and I realized that heroin is never going to kiss me in the rain at 2 am, or fuck me into oblivion, be there when I need to talk, or hold me til I fall asleep. At best all it's ever been was a hollow replacement. Sometimes it felt pretty good... but if I"m honest with myself those days are long gone. I'm not saying I don't get high, but it's never like it was at first. The first few months using, (back in the day) it truly, honestly was fucking amazing. Then you spend the rest of your using days trying to get that again. And you know what? You never do.

I need to stop being afraid of chasing my dreams, and then using heroin to numb the pain of hating where I'm at and what I'm doing. I got high tonight, but I was still sad. It doesn't even do its job properly anymore.

It's almost October. Time is going by, the clock is ticking, the world is going on without me as I cop one more time, one more time, one more time, always searching searching searching for what I needits not IN A FUCKING DOPE BAG. What I need is not in a dope bag, and it never will be.
Click to expand...

you know at least your admitting that you know ^^^^^^^^^^ its not what you need ! it never has been never will be ! its only going to bring you further away from where you truly want to be ! I feel the same way on oxy but ect ect pain ! still sucks. you can do it we all have faith in you blue ! look forward to hearing how well you are doing beginning oct 7th ill be keeping an eye on this thread :)
 
Yeah, I'm down to a pretty low amount now, just twice a day, so I'm hoping it won't be too bad. It's time to be done.

You're on oxy right now for chronic pain?
 
yeah im hoping to get off and just smoke herb, one thing at a time, im down to a way low dose compared too what i was taking :)
 
I"ve still been using - not much, but still using, and letting myself get high maybe once every 3 days. But in the last few days something trippy has happened. I just don't like it anymore. I've never felt this way about dope before. I actually went to the 9ers game with a friend today, and brought some dope in a little eyedrops bottle. I didn't bring enough and it kinda wore off, I was getting borderline sick on the way home, and while I was looking forward to getting well, at the same time, I realized I was dreading that fuzzy, sedated feeling. It felt good to be sharp, and clear, and feel like myself and be able to think. Of course I went home and got well, and then got high, because old habits die hard and I think this is my last night getting high so I have to get high, right? The last hurrah is a thing.

But the gods honest truth, on everything I hold sacred, is that I dont like it anymore. I don't like how it feels.

I posted in the November sober thread that in two weeks it'll be a year since I got off methadone the first time and relapsed a couple days later. I really don't want to start on year two of being back to the dope addict life, so my goal is to be done with it by Nov. 15th... but something came up today, and I may have a chance to take a trip to LA to see someone I care about, and obviously I can't bring dope on the plane. I need to go there within two weeks, so I'm going to do my best to taper down and be good as soon as possible. I also have gabapentin and I may use that for a few days if I need to.

I started this thread in May. It's been six months since I've been trying to get clean again, and here goes another try. The difference is, instead of trying to keep myself from doing something I really want to do, I'll be stopping something I don't want to do anymore anyway.

I'm starting tomorrow morning by doing the least amount possible, and then going as long as possible without doing more. Will report back tomorrow.

I have a new outlook on life, and a new plan for making decisions. If I was 90 and on my deathbed, and looking back on this moment in life, what would I wish I had done? I'm asking myself that about everything going on in my life, everything I need to make a decision about. The answer to the heroin question is: I would wish I'd taken this opportunity and just quit. So that's what I"m going to do.
 
Phenomenal! I've enjoyed your story, BlueSaffron! What a turning point in your life! You'll look back at this day and just know...
 
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