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I'm done

Thanks :) Aside from the moment of regret I had while driving away, I feel pretty good about not copping. And yeah, it's hard when a friend offers you drugs, I had that happen a month or so ago. Part of me wanted to say yes (I didn't), but mostly I was just thinking, dude... you know I'm trying to quit, what's wrong with you?
 
I really wish my emotions would settle down. Reading one of those "people being kind to animals" posts and these firefighters spent an hour widening a little hole in a manhole cover so a squirrel could get his head out... then the next post "police officers salute police dog's last trip to the vet" and I freaking lose it..

Mind.. what are you doing.. mind... stahhhp.

Seriously, I can be walking around Safeway grocery shopping and I think of something and just tear up. Sometimes I miss floating around in an opiate never never land.
 
Oh man, I know exactly what you are talking about. There is an ad for Zoloft (it was like a sad bouncing face with a cloud following it) that is burned into my pysche. Why? Because I was going through a tough withdrawal and it was constantly on at the time and always made me so fucking emotional.

Had to find it on the internet:



You are doing so good Blue! I am proud of you! Hope you are proud of yourself. This is some bigtime shit you are pulling off.
 
Give it some time and you´ll fell much better.
Having the guts to say no to the dealer, when you know it could be just that one more time. It takes a lot of courage man.
Congratulations!
 
Phactor i remember that commercial! Lol just watching it now made me sad for a min.

I need my sanity back. Really thinking of jumping off at 10 mg (yes, this is my weekly "im going to jump off soon" post.)

Thank you, both of you. The encouragement helps a lot :)
 
BlueSaffron said:
Thanks :) Aside from the moment of regret I had while driving away, I feel pretty good about not copping. And yeah, it's hard when a friend offers you drugs, I had that happen a month or so ago. Part of me wanted to say yes (I didn't), but mostly I was just thinking, dude... you know I'm trying to quit, what's wrong with you?
Click to expand...

Yeah I felt bad for the guy in his predicament, but he was obviously so gone he couldn't remember the fact that I've struggled with addiction for a long time. But in your situation sounds like he views you as an ATM and nothing more. I had the same scenarios but I could screen them because they would call or text.

I hope you've had a great day!
 
BlueSaffron said:
For a second i almost felt like crying as i was driving away. His shit is amazing. But just once more is never just once more.
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Saff, yesterday I walked out of outpatient class in the afternoon, waiting to get picked up, my dad was running a bit late, so I just bought a snack and posted up waiting... all of a sudden I begin thinking of Heroin again and how much money I've already spent all along but how worth it might be, cause I'll have a new sense of motivation and feel like doing shit with joy! I'm thinking, and thinking, and thinking, I thought I deleted my dealers number, who I used to meet not too far from where this class is, I start going through my phonebook still thinking about the negatives and positives, and I realize, WTF, I see him still there I guess I did not delete him, and thought to myself "wow, this is gonna be money spent, and I'm pretty fucking sure I might drop by again after class ends next week too, wtf am I doing, snap out of it" I quickly delete him!

Stay focused girl, stay strong, I know it sucks :) But ignoring them, despite that amazing quality LOL cause what I was getting was really dope too (pun intended), it's only gonna restart the vicious cycle. I know it will. And that's what keeps me goin.

Good job you did.
 
I've had those same thoughts exactly. "If I could just get high I'd have motivation to go through all the stuff in my apartment and get it sorted out for when I move, and just feeling good for a little bit will give me a break, and I'll be more confident on job interviews... just to feel it for a minute, or a few days..." But last time I thought that it turned into six months. It's nice to know it's not just me who thinks these things. You did a good job too on deleting the number. I was actually going to buy a piece "In case I want it at some point". lol... wtf? Like that piece would stay unopened for anymore than an hour after I got home...

Even though I still don't feel that great a lot though, I'm starting to feel the positives of being clean - the physical positives. I feel more present, and alive, and more able to enjoy things. And I just keep reminding myself that the stuff I"m staying clean for is worth it and will continue to be worth it, and is better than any high could be.

I also tell myself that heroin will always be there. I live in the bay area, it's freaking everywhere. It's not going to run out. Last sunday was not my last chance to do it. And because it's always going to be there, I don't need to run out and do it today.
 
11 mgs sucks :/ 2nd day on 11. 10 on saturday.... For some reason my ears are ringing a little (im ok tho). Only had 2 hrs of sleep last night. Getting down to the hard part, but i have no-well its not that i have no desire to use. Id LOVE to do some dope and relax and finally feel good again. I want to use, but I'm not going to. And im not white knuckling it or anything. Its just-yes i want to use, but no im not going to. Wanting it doesnt mean i have to do it. Theyre two completely separate things.

I only had two hours sleep last night, so im going to bed now. Hopefully to dream about a certain person, who makes me feel better than any hit of dope ever did.
 
That´s the spirit. Lack of sleep is pretty annoying. Maybe you compensate these non sleeping nights later when you will most need it.
 
Just curious, BlueSaffron, what are your plans from here? I know they tend to change from day to day depending on how you feel and how you're most comfortable doing it, but I was wondering now that you're getting down to the wire what your tapering schedule is like and what dose you plan on jumping off at? I don't have any experience at all with methadone myself so I'm pretty intrigued by your journey haha. Congrats btw on getting down to 10mg, you've come a hella long way!!
 
I've been going down 1mg every 4 days for 2 or 3 weeks now I think? Before then I just went down whenever it seemed right. I was thinking of speeding it up - on sunday I was thinking of telling my counselor I want to go down 1 every 2 days or even every day... but today I'm thinking of just keeping it how it is til I get to 0. It's exactly like you said, my plans change day to day, but for now I"m going to keep it at 1 every 4 days. I think tomorrow is my last day at 10 and weds I go to 9.

I'm very tired of feeling like this though. I've been wondering if I made a mistake... if instead of starting at 30 and going down fast, I should've gone up to 70 so I was totally comfortable and done the long slow taper that would've been like a year and a half. It definitely would've been easier in some ways. I guess I can't really know if this was the right decision until I'm done, though, and all the way through to feeling good. If that ever happens.

I really miss being high sometimes. Just keepin it real. I'm still trying to see if I can get this job, so I'm not going to use. And I committed to seeing this through and at least trying to be happy sober... so I'm going to see that through. But I'm so tired of feeling down and anxious and not like myself and having a hard time enjoying myself. Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. Sometimes I think it would be worth ruining my clean streak, messing up my taper, taking all the risks that doing dope entails, just to feel GOOD again. To feel like things are okay. To feel happy. Right now it doesn't feel like anything is ever going to be ok. Someone posted in another thread yesterday about someone being so nodded out they could barely talk... and it made me want to use, bad.

Maybe I'll have a drink tonight or something. Or maybe I should go fill my Ativan prescription, but honestly benzos scare the hell out of me. I read the other day that some people NEVER recover from benzo abuse. Their brain chemistry remains fucked up for the rest of their life. At least I've never heard that about dope - everything I've ever read says your brain WILL return to normal.

Doesn't feel like it right now though. I wish I had a fat spoonful of dope in front of me and I could just sit here and snort it and listen to music and feel good, if just for a little while.

eta: truth be told, the only thing stopping me from using tonight is A: the job I probably won't get once they do a bgcheck, and B: the fact that I'm not done and hopefully it gets better. But I can tell you right now, if I'm going to feel this way the rest of my life, I'm going back to heroin.

Eta again- its 9:29 pm now. I dont know whats wrong with me today, physically i actually feel better than i have in days, like, usually by this time i feel really sick, but i dont. Mentally tho... Fuck :/



I still really want some heroin, but im not going to get any.
 
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You can not speed up this process.
Yes crave for heroin, opiates..you´ll get used to it.
Try not to relapse.
 
things get so much better, but you have to cross through the dessert first. even once you clear the withdrawls you will have the mental effects, but if you can make it three months, you brain chemistry will begin to level out and you can start to be happy for no reason again. Life gets better and you can do this. It is a worthy sacrifice, don't spoil the rest of your life going back to dope. Keep pushing forward!!!
 
Things WILL get better and you WILL feel okay again. Please try to keep in mind that the way you see things right now does not reflect reality. Your brain is all over the place right now trying to rebalance itself and get used to making it's OWN feel-good chemicals again. It's normal to feel depressed, anxious, etc. ALL of your emotions will be extreme for a bit, but it will get better and you will notice it soon. I'm willing to bet you also have moments where you're insanely happy and blissful and you actually feel okay, right? Try to hold on to those moments as a way to remind yourself that the good won't always feel good, but the bad won't always feel bad either. Do you have any techniques or coping mechanisms you use for when you start to feel too bad? I mean, do you go and take a walk or meditate or have a hobby or a good sober friend to talk to or anything like that? I think that adding some of these things into your routine would help you out a lot :)

What did you end up doing with that thing you mentioned by the way?
 
Thanks guys, I appreciate it <3 I should point out that it's not just the detox, I have stressful stuff going on in my life... I know we all do, but just saying that adds to the whole thing.

Got 9 mg today. I actually recognize this feeling from last time, last November when I got really low on my dose. Feeling antsy and like I had a ton of energy to drain but no motivation to do so, everything seemed really clear and bright, almost TOO bright. Music sounded (and its the same this time too) absolutely amazing. At the same time, anxiety is high, and for some reason all these super-romantic thoughts of heroin start coming. It happened last time too - I had three days left on methadone and I just started fantasizing about dope, how it feels, not just thinking about it but dreaming about it... I think I was honestly planning to use a few days before I even got off methadone. At least this time I'm not surprised by those feelings and know they're a part of the whole thing.

xburtonchic said:
Things WILL get better and you WILL feel okay again. Please try to keep in mind that the way you see things right now does not reflect reality. Your brain is all over the place right now trying to rebalance itself and get used to making it's OWN feel-good chemicals again. It's normal to feel depressed, anxious, etc. ALL of your emotions will be extreme for a bit, but it will get better and you will notice it soon. I'm willing to bet you also have moments where you're insanely happy and blissful and you actually feel okay, right? Try to hold on to those moments as a way to remind yourself that the good won't always feel good, but the bad won't always feel bad either. Do you have any techniques or coping mechanisms you use for when you start to feel too bad? I mean, do you go and take a walk or meditate or have a hobby or a good sober friend to talk to or anything like that? I think that adding some of these things into your routine would help you out a lot :)

What did you end up doing with that thing you mentioned by the way?
Click to expand...

I really try to remember that, that this anxiety isn't reality. I try to remember that I'm not usually like this... but when it's gone on for days it just starts to feel like it IS reality.

I do have some moments where I feel good and I'm happy and I'm ok. I do have things I can do when I feel bad, but the problem is I think too much. It's not just a matter of feeling bad in general, last night when I was tripping out and thinking about using it wasn't just because I didn't feel good, it was in large part because of stress over a specific situation. And no amount of walking or talking to someone is going to fix that situation, so that's why I stress about it. I'm not really a meditation kind of girl, but I do exercise, listen to music, ect. It's just that if it's a specific situation those things only help so much, and I start thinking about the fact that one way to REALLY feel better for a bit is to do some dope.

I still have the piece. Can't bring myself to toss it yet, but I haven't touched it and don't plan to today.
 
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