• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist

I'm done

In the Basic Text they say: "Until we have experienced something clean, we haven't experienced it". I will fully acknowledge that I am a child in some ways. I have a lot of growing up to do in certain ways. I learned how to survive, I didn't learn how to live. Only way for me to learn is to just live life clean. NA helps me quiet a bit, gives me a base in which I can develop for myself. That is what I like about it.

Anyways, from what I have read from you. The desire is there, you are ready to commit. You just need something to commit too for yourself. IMO, it cannot be to anything else but yourself (cannot be relationships, other person, place etc). I have no idea if this makes sense, I worked all day today and am just getting off and figured I would check up on everyone here before I eat and go to a meeting.

Also, I totally feel you on wanting to have a "normal" life (actually I would call what you described a comfortable life). You can still be you clean. I like myself way more clean, I fucking hated myself when actively addicted. Like really really really hated myself, to the point where I was never comfortable in my own skin.

Anyways, I am not sure how old you are. Someone mentioned "mid 20s", not sure if that was a comparision. I have to say around 24-25 was when I really started to question my addiction. I knew I was an addict before, but when I was 24ish shit started to fall apart a bit. I could no longer rationalize living as an addict. It was really starting to take a toll. I had to push it for 6-7 more years to really prove to myself that I could just not manage.

Abstinence works best for me, I hate fighting with myself all the time.
 
Last edited:
^^ BlueSaffron said she started using in 95 so she is probably a bit older than mid 20's but I could have misread her previous statement or perhaps she started using at 7 and is now 26(God I hope not). I feel the same way as you Saffron but it has been getting a lot easier for me over the last 3yrs of alternating clean time. Since I kicked Mdone on the 1st of this year I have had a lot more clean time than not and I actually find myself happy quite often and really getting the hang of this sobriety thing. I learn from every relapse and I feel I might have really rounded the corner. Although I know I will have a lot of ups and downs I am no longer afraid of, as they say, living life on life's terms.
 
Last edited:
I kicked heroin and i'm glad for it in 2008 , now i'm a speed addict, and I get what your saying ... my identity is all twisted up in drugs... my goal is to have plenty of various drugs and use them in a smart economical diversified way , as I tour around the world playing my music and singing my songs to people. I have to do like 3-4 days of using meth / other drugs followed by a 4-5 day sobriety. And its like I have bi-polar, cause when I'm high im really high, and when I'm "resting" i'm really low low low, god this shit sucks, Now I try to help out other people cause I honsestly don't think I will quit...

my music and singing is better than ever and I've been writing songs like a champ---- but the toll on my physical spiritual well being is too much to bear alone.
 
pretty big test an hour ago - got in an awful argument with the roomate (who's also my ex). Left the house and sat in my car and cried and just felt so fucking alone... like I have nothing and no one. It crossed my mind to go cop- I already feel bad from withdrawals (because my dose is low - I could raise it to like 30 and feel fine but I dont want to. I want to be off it soon) and then feeling so down cos I feel alone. Some heroin would've felt good... except.. I kind of felt like it wouldn't. I just didn't feel like it was the answer anymore. I am not saying I'm a saint and I'll never use again, but it just... didn't seem like it would solve anything really, and I felt like even if I found some good stuff and got really fucked up, I still wouldn't have been happy, and I would've set my progress waaay back (I mean I feel like that little half a vicodin the other day set me back =- the next day I swear I woke up sicker). So long story short I didn't cop because I just didn't feel like it would give me what I wanted. I want to be happy sober. I want normal brain function back. I want to stay out of jail. I want to get a job and move out of here and get my own apartment. I want love. Copping heroin isn't going to help with any of that. So I didn't do it.

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm 42. Although I'm told I look 32 and act 22, lol.

Living life on life's terms - I'd like to do that.

I'm considering going down faster - I still can't help wondering if I'm just prolonging the pain this way. Maybe I should go down 2 mg a day, I'd be off in ten days, go through a few days of sleeplessness and then hopefully start getting better for real.

The mood swings are tough, though. I felt optimistic when I started writing this post, now it's ten minutes later and I'm down again. Another reason why I just want to get off it so I can start to really get better.

Eta: ive mentioned that im sick 2/3 of the day, right?

I have gabapentin here-dont want to take it. Could increase my methadone dose-dont want to, want off soon, not in 8 freaking months or something. So i'm choosing to put myself thru this superfast taper. Hoping its the right decision in the long run.
 
Last edited:
I don't want to start on a new drug tbh.. also my body reacts weird to some drugs, I have to be careful what I take, so I don't think kratom is a good idea for me.

I'm actually considering going back up, like maybe to 26 or 28 if they'll let me do that all in one go - they're probably going to say go up 5 and wait a couple days. But... I can't function like this. Part of me says "you're at 20 now, tough it out", but I have NO motivation, right at a time when I really NEED motivation, to find a new job and get everything done so I can move out. I mean I was driving home just now and remembered we need toilet paper.. and I couldn't bring myself to stop and get it. Even tho it meant stop, park, walk into store, grab tp, pay and leave.. it seemed like a herculean task. And I want to cry a lot and I get pleasure out of nothing... I can't live like this. I've been doing it and toughing it out because I thought if I waited a few weeks i would feel better, but I dont. I dosed at 9:15 this am and now it's 2;53 and I'm already starting to feel sick. The thought that I have a whole rest of the day to get through is excruciating... i just want to go to sleep. In short, I'm miserable. Maybe if my life was better right now I could tough it out, but my life is not good right now. There is not enough good in it to lean on to get through the awfulness of being in anxiety almost all the time.

So I guess the smart thing is to go up. I hate to do it but I dont know what else to do. I need to be able to FUNCTION so I can work on my life. I'm barely functioning right now. Its not like I want to go to 50 or 70... just maybe 28 or 30. Just enough so I feel normal during the day - thats all I want, just normal. I dont need to be high. I dont even care if by midnight Im a little sick or if I wake up sick. I just need to feel ok in the daytime so I can like, live.

Thoughts anyone? Pretty sure I'm going to go in tomorrow and ask my counselor to bump me up at least 5 mg.

I cant live like this. I tried, I really tried to tough it out, but my dopamine is so low that nothing gives me pleasure, and life is just... really unhappy. Like I said, maybe if my life was stable and good in other ways I could push through it, but it's not.
 
Pretty down... & the worst part is that i dont even want to do heroin. I kind of wish i did. I wish i was sitting here thinking "all i need is some good dope and i'd feel so much better". Cos then i could go cop, come home, get high, and feel better. But somethings changed, cos i dont even feel that way. I wish i did, cos i can GET dope. Thats easy. And then id be happy. But its not what i want, and what i want isnt down on the corner for 20 bucks.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Pretty down... & the worst part is that i dont even want to do heroin. I kind of wish i did. I wish i was sitting here thinking "all i need is some good dope and i'd feel so much better". Cos then i could go cop, come home, get high, and feel better. But somethings changed, cos i dont even feel that way. I wish i did, cos i can GET dope. Thats easy. And then id be happy. But its not what i want, and what i want isnt down on the corner for 20 bucks.
Click to expand...

I have to say, yesterday I was watching some active corners and people running around. I don't really miss the drugs and using, but I do kinda miss just the whole lifestyle (which is sick, because that lifestyle fucking sucks). We are really creating totally new identities for ourselves (or at least I am). I have to remind myself that I will have growing pains because of this.
 
I think everyone has those feelings, where you build up in your mind certain small anxieties and interactions with people in public etc etc... stay at 20, your higher self knows its the right thing to do.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Pretty down... & the worst part is that i dont even want to do heroin. I kind of wish i did. I wish i was sitting here thinking "all i need is some good dope and i'd feel so much better". Cos then i could go cop, come home, get high, and feel better. But somethings changed, cos i dont even feel that way. I wish i did, cos i can GET dope. Thats easy. And then id be happy. But its not what i want, and what i want isnt down on the corner for 20 bucks.
Click to expand...
I actually really get this. I woke up to text from a drug dealer today and yesterday and have been obsessing for hours... If I knew this would make me feel better, I would already be on the way to get it. But, I know it is more complicated than that. I'm bored, I feel alone, frustrated, I can't sleep... I have so much shit I need to do crushing down on me I feel like I am suffocating. I can't promise I won't use today, but I think it is a huge step to realize that it won't make things better. Seriously, that's amazing. Good job. The most relief I usually feel is my best friend reminding me over and over that it will get better. And, I went through bad terrible hell withdrawal weeks ago... my one slip didn't restart anything, thank god. You can do this, you seem so clear headed. You don't need more methadone anymore than you need some dope.
 
southeast said:
I actually really get this. I woke up to text from a drug dealer today and yesterday and have been obsessing for hours... If I knew this would make me feel better, I would already be on the way to get it. But, I know it is more complicated than that. I'm bored, I feel alone, frustrated, I can't sleep... I have so much shit I need to do crushing down on me I feel like I am suffocating. I can't promise I won't use today, but I think it is a huge step to realize that it won't make things better. Seriously, that's amazing. Good job. The most relief I usually feel is my best friend reminding me over and over that it will get better. And, I went through bad terrible hell withdrawal weeks ago... my one slip didn't restart anything, thank god. You can do this, you seem so clear headed. You don't need more methadone anymore than you need some dope.
Click to expand...

exactly. I just know it won't help. It's not what's ailing me, you know? It sounds like we're dealing with some of the same stuff. I have a ton of shit weighing down on me too - trying to find a job, dealing with my living situation... I look at apartments for rent and just dream about moving out of here... even just that would make me so happy. And then there's the relationship stuff with the guy I'm seeing, which is too complicated to go into... but I know if I went and copped it wouldn't really fix anything. And I swear, I'm not just saying that "trying to believe it" or something - I really do feel that way. Getting dope will set me back, which will just make me feel down. It won't help my relationship any, it'll just make me feel like shit because I know what he'd think of me if he knew and I can't stand the thought of him thinking that way about me. It wouldn't help me get a job, or an apartment. Dope just... wouldn't help.

Honestly it feels really odd not to want it... but I don't. I mean sometimes I do, but not nearly enough to go get it.

I did go up 5 mgs, to 25. I had to guys. I wasn't making it, I'd be out in public shopping and have to hold back tears til I could get in the car and start sobbing. It's my 2nd day at 25 and I feel a lot better. I'm not going to stay here though, I'm going to start going down again maybe in a week, but I think 1 mg at a time instead of two, and I'm going to try to have some kind of support structure in place.

I hated to go up, trust me, but I feel a lot better. Not staying here though - going to drop a mg maybe next monday.

Thanks again for all the support <3 You guys help me a lot, I hope you know that.
 
I've never weaned down for methadone but I can imagine it would be really hard-- whatever keeps you a little more sane and keeps you clean do it slow as you need to. Your description is pretty spot on with my issues or some of them. Youll get through-- let me tell you, you sound so much more rational than me. That ache in my bones for it is bearing down like a mountain. Hope tomorrow is better!
 
when I was quitting heroin, I had all sorts of amazing beautiful experiences, I felt like I was gifted from God just what I needed to get through it. These things included, a sense of nostalgia and connectedness with my past, the realization that my childhood and family was beautiful, empathy, lucid dreams of absolutely amazing things related to the future of humanity - the other side of death - god etc. etc. . . I think everyone gets SOMETHING in withdrawal with tons of redeeming value. Or signs that show you you're on the right path. Keep your eyes open saffron
 
You can do it! Cravings are always temporary. When I was having strong cravings sometimes it helped to just envision the whole thing - when we're craving we obsess on the moment we get our stuff and get high, but try to take it past that. Ok, you get high... then what? You might feel good, but you'll have that nagging feeling of disappointment in yourself, and as the high wears off, that feeling will get stronger - at least it would for me. Then at some point the high will be all worn off and you'll still be here, just sitting there, having to deal with the fact that you relapsed. Or you could NOT get high, and enjoy the feeling that comes from knowing you faced a craving and FOUGHT it, and won. Cravings are temporary. Find something to distract yourself with, something that really takes a lot of attention, and in a few hours your craving shouldn't be as strong.

I'm glad I sound rational at least, lol, because inside I feel far from it. Some of it is relationship stuff though. I'm crazy about him, he's so beautiful and cool and sexy and amazing in bed (tmi? who, me?) and he's this strong, brave person who does all this cool shit and if you compliment him on it he's like "well it wasnt just me, it was my partners too", and he's just... I don't know, I feel unworthy sometimes. He's done all this amazing stuff in his life and I'm just this ex drug addict girl. I have no idea what he sees in me.
 
never give in to that feeling that your not good enough or he's crazy to be attracted to you, that's just bull

Also

con't from above....

when I was quitting heroin, I had all sorts of amazing beautiful experiences, I felt like I was gifted from God just what I needed to get through it. These things included, a sense of nostalgia and connectedness with my past, the realization that my childhood and family was beautiful, empathy, lucid dreams of absolutely amazing things related to the future of humanity - the other side of death - god etc. etc. . . I think everyone gets SOMETHING in withdrawal with tons of redeeming value. Or signs that show you you're on the right path. Keep your eyes open saffron
 
motiv311 said:
when I was quitting heroin, I had all sorts of amazing beautiful experiences, I felt like I was gifted from God just what I needed to get through it. These things included, a sense of nostalgia and connectedness with my past, the realization that my childhood and family was beautiful, empathy, lucid dreams of absolutely amazing things related to the future of humanity - the other side of death - god etc. etc. . . I think everyone gets SOMETHING in withdrawal with tons of redeeming value. Or signs that show you you're on the right path. Keep your eyes open saffron
Click to expand...

thank you motiv. I remember last November when I was close to the end of my taper, sometimes I felt like I was on a psychedelic because everything just seemed so intense - colors, music, emotions... but I just felt like such crap physically it was hard to fully enjoy those things. Hopefully this taper goes better - I rushed that one - and ended up relapsing a few days after my last dose. Hoping not to make the same mistake again.

I love lucid dreams! I've had a few and they were amazing. That's actually something I'm doing right now since I've been back on methadone - working on being able to have them again. I came close the other day. I've had a few successes with the WILD technique for inducing them, and it's such a trippy feeling, going from consciousness to a dream - you can actually feel a switch flip in your brain, or at least I do %)
 
^ I hate it when I fall asleep to quick, I get sleep paralysis, a sense of "falling into a void" then rush back up to my body, where I find I cannot move and there is some monster or other thing trying to get me. I'm so used to it now that I know when its happening and I just say to myself "oh just lie still, its happening again" and as soon as I relax I can move again.

Lucid dreams are cool, but truly LUCID DREAMS, mean you realize your dreaming to an extent and you can have a large degree of control in the dream, which feels extremely detailed and real and alien. I often realize I'm lucid dreaming when I question "wait am I dreaming?" and then ill jump up in the air, and I usually can hover or float, and If I'm still asleep this is where the fun begins... I often travel to a planet like Endor from star wars, where no one lives, I'll meet up with my older brother and best friend and we smoke a bowl of weed in a Teepee. A lot of times Ill just imagine gobs of drugs throughout the dream and scoop them up off the ground as I go, but I can never get them in my mouth. I often fly around which feels incredible, cause you lose the ability seomtimes, I have sex with dream girls and porn stars etc. etc. etc. Especially if I haven't masterbated in awhile (which I try often to not do for months) A lot of times its like an adventure when I'm lucid dreaming and often repeats a similar theme even if I wake up a few times. I ll go back to the same dream...

taking melatonin, kava, valerian root, will help you lucid dream especially if you take a mixture
 
BlueSaffron said:
You can do it! Cravings are always temporary. When I was having strong cravings sometimes it helped to just envision the whole thing - when we're craving we obsess on the moment we get our stuff and get high, but try to take it past that. Ok, you get high... then what? You might feel good, but you'll have that nagging feeling of disappointment in yourself, and as the high wears off, that feeling will get stronger - at least it would for me. Then at some point the high will be all worn off and you'll still be here, just sitting there, having to deal with the fact that you relapsed. Or you could NOT get high, and enjoy the feeling that comes from knowing you faced a craving and FOUGHT it, and won. Cravings are temporary. Find something to distract yourself with, something that really takes a lot of attention, and in a few hours your craving shouldn't be as strong.

I'm glad I sound rational at least, lol, because inside I feel far from it. Some of it is relationship stuff though. I'm crazy about him, he's so beautiful and cool and sexy and amazing in bed (tmi? who, me?) and he's this strong, brave person who does all this cool shit and if you compliment him on it he's like "well it wasnt just me, it was my partners too", and he's just... I don't know, I feel unworthy sometimes. He's done all this amazing stuff in his life and I'm just this ex drug addict girl. I have no idea what he sees in me.
Click to expand...
You sound so strong! I would bet everyone on this feed agrees with that. And, methadone caused the worst withdrawals of my life... I really can't fathom a taper.
Thank you so much-- and he's totally right plus I believe there is a special beauty and strength in opiate addicts. Everyone can't do it. And you sound great! Don't put yourself down, even though I know the feeling. I was literally walking out the door and my boyfriend called from rehab, it was like water washing over me... He gets out Friday and I'm so ready for him to be back relief doesn't even start it. But you can't put all your faith in others, you can do this without him. I'm staring at the ocean now trying to get my mind off it-- I hope I'm not posting on here later about how much I suck at life and will never get better. Thanks so much, blue. Even if I fail it's nice to feel less alone. There's too much solitude in addiction, not enough solace.
 
Thank you <3 I don't feel very strong at the moment.

I talked to my counselor today, I'm dropping to 24 tmrw and after that dropping 1 mg every 4 days. Hopefully it'll be ok. I know I just need to get through it.

I know I CAN do this without him... it's just that he makes me happy. He makes me feel cared about, and beautiful, and like I matter. He makes me life so much better - he's basically the one good thing in my life.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top