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I'm done

Thank you :) My day is better than it was. All this really makes me wonder though... I realize some of the depression is chemical related... but I'm thinking now that some of it may just be that I'm experiencing my life with no drug buffer, and realizing that I hate it. Not life itself, but the life I'm living. It's like being smacked in the face with reality really, really hard. I mean, I know some is the drugs, but maybe some is just that I'm waking up to the reality that I dont get to spend nearly enough time with my guy, I'm unhappy in my living situation and have no career to speak of. Heroin makes it feel like everything's ok, you know? Take it away and its like wow... things are REALLY not ok.

I'm going to try gabapentin tomorrow I think. If it makes me too spacey and loopy I dont have to keep taking it. But I dont want to go up on methadone and I dont want to keep using, and cold turkey isn't an option right now I dont think. But I need to be able to function. Thanks for saying me feeling like crap is progress - I know that but I tend to forget it sometimes. I know every minute you feel bad is telling your brain to make the "feel good" chemicals again.
 
called my methadone counselor and had him put me back up to 26 mg starting tomorrow. Portioned out enough dope for the rest of the day - there was a bit leftover, and I flushed it.

Not letting a mistake become a fuckup.

I WILL do this.

Letting my breakfast digest (overnight oats, with bananas and sunflower seed butter - SO good) and then I'm going for a walk.
 
Three days using and I'm already tired of it. Don't get me wrong, it felt good a few times, I'm not going to lie, but it just starts to feel like a chain around my leg.

I'm so tired of thinking about drugs, and do I have enough, can I get the good stuff, is A- going to call back, is it hot downtown, will I be able to cop, is that a narc, how much of this can I do.

What methadone dose should I be at, should I go up, should I go down, shit the clinic closes soon.

I'm tired of it all, it's just such a waste of time. I want a normal life.
 
So today is my first day back at 26 mg, after being on 20 for about a week and using dope the last 3 days. There's no dope in the house - did most of it and threw a little bit away (a tiny bit, but I knew it would bug me if I had it in the house). It's hitting me right now, so far so good *knock on wood*.

Have a plan in place for if/when the anxiedepression hits - going to go take a long brisk walk, come in, take a shower and go get a pedicure.

I WILL do this. I'd like to be off methadone by August so I can enjoy at least part of the summer totally clean and unencumbered by addiction to some kind of opiate.

being back on dope wasn't that great. there were a few moments that were pleasurable, but its not like I spent the last 3 days feeling hella good or something. It really wasn't all that. Honestly I'm relieved it's over.
 
Nodding off 26 mg over here.. although I think I might have a bit of dope left in my system from last night. Going to give it a few days and if I'm still nodding like this on thursday I'm going to go down 2 mg to 24. No more 5 mg jumps - I think that was a bit ambitious, lol.
 
aaannd the roomate and i got in a huge fight and he's moving out. which is good and bad - good cos less stress, bad cos i need to come up with the whole rent now.

god just WANTS me to use, doesn't he?

Just kidding - I dont believe in god. and there are always reasons to use, just like there's always reasons not to use.

pretty stressed out, but im going to go dose & come home & eat and try to figure out what I'm going to do.
 
still sober :)

I miss the high a little. THat warm, relaxed feeling. But it's managable. What's hard for me, what rips at my mind and makes me want to use, badly, is the sense of well-being heroin gave me. On dope, I was just... cool. Comfortable in any situation, happy, social. More secure in my relationships, more optimistic about the future. That, more than anything else, is the feeling I miss.

I am hoping that I can get that feeling back, naturally, once I'm through withdrawal. I'm going to work hard to get it. I do believe it's possible and that I can do it.

But damn I miss that feeling sometimes.
 
its not that great once you give in and buy it,, always well let you down, we're not supposed to feel comfortable in life until we JUST DO... You are putting energy into a future thats SOOO Much better and truly rewarding than that of a stupid opiate high... fuck that. . Keep going
 
I think it's pretty normal to have these ups and downs. You want to use, but you know you can't. I miss it too sometimes- you know that refuge, especially when shit goes wrong. Sorry about the roommate situation. Do whatever it takes to stay on course! <3
 
Saffron, its powerful, the ability to slip right back into using again, don't do it. Keep yourself well-gaurded from your own evil half lol ..
 
Trust me, I know... everytime I get a week or two clean under my belt I can't help thinking "I've done so good, I've toughed it out, I've felt so crappy lately.. I DESERVE to just get a little high.. just buy a little piece and do it". But I know that being on such a low dose (24, considering going to 22 this week) that even one night using would set me back. And I SO want to get out of withdrawal. I so want to know what it is to wake up and feel good, naturally. And to be honest, I so want to have sex with my man sober. Having sex high is almost like wearing a condom - it reduces sensation, it reduces intimacy... it sucks. And just in general, I don't want to walk around sedated anymore.

I think the solution for me is, instead of getting high to be able to be happy in my life - I need to change my life so that it makes me happy sober. Which I'm working on doing. But it doesn't happen overnight, and the meanwhile is the hard part.

I had to go downtown a little while ago. I had a 20 on me, I could've easily copped. I was stressed and unhappy. But I drove my ass past the dealer's place without stopping, and went home.
 
Yea^ I havent been able to have sex proper like - (as in I can't sustain erection, excitability- or I can't finish) for maybe 4-5 years and I'm 27 nearly 28 yrs old. Its like my brain shuts off my sexual pathways to divert the energy for the speed, and pills, and opiates etc. etc.
 
you're not clean motiv? FOr some reason I thought you were... no biggie, just curious.

Yeah, I'd been going to see my man always with dope in my system - maybe not high, but well, you know? And then one night my dealer didn't call back so I had to go see him just starting to get dopesick. On the way over I was thinking damn, this is going to ruin our time together... and I ended up having the best time. It was so nice without dope coming in between us. The thing about dope is it blocks the bad (to a degree), but it blocks the good, too. Not sure I'm up for that tradeoff anymore.
 
BlueSaffron said:
Trust me, I know... everytime I get a week or two clean under my belt I can't help thinking "I've done so good, I've toughed it out, I've felt so crappy lately.. I DESERVE to just get a little high.. just buy a little piece and do it". But I know that being on such a low dose (24, considering going to 22 this week) that even one night using would set me back. And I SO want to get out of withdrawal. I so want to know what it is to wake up and feel good, naturally. And to be honest, I so want to have sex with my man sober. Having sex high is almost like wearing a condom - it reduces sensation, it reduces intimacy... it sucks. And just in general, I don't want to walk around sedated anymore.

I think the solution for me is, instead of getting high to be able to be happy in my life - I need to change my life so that it makes me happy sober. Which I'm working on doing. But it doesn't happen overnight, and the meanwhile is the hard part.

I had to go downtown a little while ago. I had a 20 on me, I could've easily copped. I was stressed and unhappy. But I drove my ass past the dealer's place without stopping, and went home.
Click to expand...

Good for you! I am proud of you.

And yes, the whole "I've done good, I deserve this" type of thinking is very familiar too me. Its much easier for me this time around because I really believe that I can no longer use. Well I can, but I have tools and methods to use before using. I really feel like I have accepted that I am a drug addict and I suck at using drugs responsibly to the point that I just cannot do it.

Its easier for me to abstain. That is such a relief to finally realize, acknowledge and accept.
 
Thanks phactor :) I'm proud of me too %) It sounds like admitting you can't use at all is the right way to go for you. I'm a big proponent of "whatever works" :)

I went to 22 today and was STILL nodding when it hit, although it wasn't as strong and didn't last as long this time. Depending on how I feel in the evening and the morning the next few days, I might go to 20 on Monday - ONLY if I feel ok though. I"m not trying to rush it again.

Got the munchies right now but I already ate breakfast. I think I need to change what I"m eating - oatmeal isn't cutting it anymore. I need to go back to eating meat and eggs and veggies for breakfast, it keeps me full longer... its just that I've been craving sweets hardcore, especially in the morning, and a bowl of oatmeal with coconut sugar and banana slices sounds so good...
 
Feeling really sober atm. Not sober like, how normal people who've never done drugs feel, but sober like, a person who's used to the warm comfort of opiates and has had it yanked out from underneath them. That kind of sober. Everything is too real, too sharp, too immediate and in-your-face. It's uncomfortable... and the inevitable thought tries to creep in: "I don't deserve to feel this bad. I don't DESERVE it. If it takes doing dope to let me feel half decent and happy, fuck it, I'm going to do dope".

But I'm not going to do dope. Not today. I'm going to get in my workout clothes and go for a run.

eta: the walk helped :)
 
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Feeling the 2mg drop.

Sucks.

Stressed about a bunch of things.

Missing the feeling of dope.

No idea what to do with myself right now, I don't feel like DOING anything, I just want to FEEL better.

Not going to use today.
 
Your doing great BlueS.. its not permanent.. have to go through it at some point. Nothing but misery back there. In a short time you will feal better.. in a little more time after that you will feal great. Your doing great.. just keep pushing like you are and the prize will be yours and its worth it without question.

Fight, fight, fight!!!:D
 
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