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I'm done

Anxiety is hard I know, but you're doing great. Congratulations on your weight loss, that's excellent! Don't deny yourself food, do what Monk said and have fresh fruits and vegetables if possible. Don't stress about the "what ifs" just keep going Blue. We're rooting for you! :)
 
Felonious Monk said:
Good for you! Having the desire and having the reason will get you through it! Just keep your eyes on the prize, and remember how goods things feel clear headed.

Don't worry about meetings if they're not for you, you have to find a program that works for you.

I wouldn't deny yourself food right now though, your body is trying to recover and you need to eat. Do you like produce (fruits and vegetables)? It's something to eat, but not something you'll worry will be putting on pounds. Fresh fruits and vegetables will also help you feel better naturally. If you can't eat them whole and raw for whatever reason I would recommend a juicer. Stomach issues keep me from eating enough green stuff but juicing it is great (and tastes WAY better than I ever would have guessed, I just use more apple than serious health nuts).
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Not really a fan of fruit (except bananas and wild blueberries and pineapple) but I love vegetables. I'm going to go to Whole Foods tomorrow and stock up on some healthy food, because my appetite is in overdrive lately. Might start making some green smoothies, too.

Thanks T.Calderone and everyone, your support helps a lot :) Today marks 8 days no dope. I've decided to at least give it a month. So no considering maybe doing a little bit - I absolutely am going to go a month without dope. We'll see how I feel from there.

I'm wondering how fast I should taper though - I mean, am I just prolonging the pain here? I've been on 24 for a couple days now, and by nighttime I feel a little crappy, although I do sleep so it can't be that bad. Wondering should I push through - drop to 20 in a couple days, then 15 five days later, then ten five days later, ect ect? Just get it done? Or should I go slower than that, as in one or two a week instead of five a week. Can't help wondering if just ripping the band aid off might be better than peeling it off in increments...
 
thanks :)

still wondering should I taper fast or slow. I couldn't get to the morning clinic hours so now I have to wait til noon... and I feel like crap. I hate feeling like this because it makes me really antisocial... nothing is funny to me, people try to joke with me and I just look at them and manage a fake smile, while thinking "dude, just leave me alone".

Now I'm just sitting here watching the clock til it's 11:30 and I can leave for the clinic.

nice life I've got going for myself here.
 
I dosed and got outside for a bit, and i feel better. I need to remember to get out of the house more. Nothing is more depressing than sitting in this shitty apartment. I cant wait til I can move. Much as I love SF, I'm outta here. I've lived here a long time.. it's time to move to one of the burbs, less than an hour from the city. It's warmer, and more peaceful, and a lot harder to score dope.
 
BlueSaffron said:
thanks :)

still wondering should I taper fast or slow. I couldn't get to the morning clinic hours so now I have to wait til noon... and I feel like crap. I hate feeling like this because it makes me really antisocial... nothing is funny to me, people try to joke with me and I just look at them and manage a fake smile, while thinking "dude, just leave me alone".
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Just keep trying to smile, I totally know what you are talking about. But the act of just smiling, saying hello, wishing someone a good day, holding the door for somebody, helping the elderly or a kid step up a stair etc etc actually help us recover quicker.
 
BlueSaffron said:
I don't want to do dope anymore. I'd been getting tired of it for a while, but the other night, I went to see this guy I've been seeing, who I'm pretty crazy about. Because of timing and dealers who don't like to call back, ect ect, I couldn't cop til after I met him, so I ended up going to see him starting to get dopesick.

It was probably one of our better dates. :) I could feel everything. Nerves not dulled by opiates, his skin felt amazing against mine, he kept making me laugh (I notice I don't laugh much on dope), and it's just - it felt so good being able to FEEL. I want that again. I don't want to go see him high again, or even well.

The thing is, this run has lasted about six months, and I've been doing a half gram a day or a bit more depending on quality, so I'm trying to decide how to get off. Cold turkey isn't an option for reasons I can't get into. It's either methadone or tapering off H slowly.

Has anyone else ever tapered off H successfully? I was thinking of just doing enough to be barely well everyday, and slowly cutting down the amount.

I just want off it though. I've never felt so sure about quitting opiates in my life. In the past it was always "I know I gotta quit" but a big part of me didn'[t want to. This time I'm just done. I want off it. I want to live my life feeling things, not numbed out.
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Yeah love beats drugs any day


Congrats and good luck to you both:)
 
emotions continue to be up and down
cried for an hour this afternoon even though my man texted me and said he wished I was with him. usually he always cheers me up but I just felt so down
now its almost 8 pm and I feel better. about to go for a walk.

didn't want to use much at all today. Beginning to feel like even with the hard bits, I'm happier now than I was when I was using. I feel like I'm going forward in my life. Even if its at a glacial pace, I'm still going forward. When I was using dope I felt so much like I was just treading water while the minutes of my life ticked by.

k, walk time.
 
I walked an hour last night, came in and had dinner, watched a little tv and went to bed. I've been waking up once at night, but I get right back to sleep, so it's not too bad.

I've had some cravings the past couple days, but I promised myself I wasn't going to do any dope for a month, so I feel like I want to stick with that. I've decided my month is from now til July 1st. Obviously I'm not planning on using that day, the idea is to stay clean, period. but I need to do this in short increments for now - I can't just say "Ok, I'm never going to use again" because I'd be downtown copping within the hour.

I said I'd at least TRY not doing dope... and I'm going to keep my word. I said a month - and I'm going to do it.

I also need to remember that getting a new job, saving money, and moving out are going to be waaayyy harder if I have a dope habit on top of all that. I just can't do it right now - I have too much other stuff going on in my life to maintain a heroin habit too. Heroin will always be there. Today isn't my last chance ever to use, and neither is tomorrow, and neither is next month. I'll always be able to get it. Its like a security blanket - at some point, dragging that thing around with you is going to start to fuck up your life. So I fold it and put it on the top shelf of my closet. If I need it, it's there - nothing is stopping me getting to it. But I'd rather live without it.

It's so hard sometimes... It really is. I've been on opiates for a LONG time. Learning to live without them is... difficult. I worry sometimes that I won't know how to be happy without opiates. That's part of the reason I stayed on them so long - when I'm on dope I'm relaxed, happy, carefree, cheerful, social. Basically everything that most people are normally, I have to take drugs to be. Or at least that's how I always felt.

and then other times I just feel like it's a mindset thing, and I'm making it way too difficult, and life is too short to dwell on all this stuff, and I should just say fuck it, and move on. Stop tripping about "would I act different in this situation if I were high" and "But I need to be high to socialize", and just... live my life.

I just miss the peace of mind opiates gave me. It was chemically induced, yeah, but it still worked. It's just that the drug causes too many other problems.

I'm just stressed :/ As usual. What I wouldn't give to do some dope and feel happy for a little while.
 
the hardest part of this isn't the physical part, its the anxiety and just not feeling good, not feeling like myself. worrying about everything.

I'm trying to fake it til I make it, but it's hard.

at what point am I going to feel better?

it doesn't help that I found some dope in my makeup drawer. enough to get high off - must have spilled from one of the last bags I got.

I haven't done it, but I can't bring myself to throw it away.

I know, just one day at a time. I just want to feel good again. Is that too much to ask?
 
BlueSaffron said:
the hardest part of this isn't the physical part, its the anxiety and just not feeling good, not feeling like myself. worrying about everything.

I'm trying to fake it til I make it, but it's hard.

at what point am I going to feel better?

it doesn't help that I found some dope in my makeup drawer. enough to get high off - must have spilled from one of the last bags I got.

I haven't done it, but I can't bring myself to throw it away.

I know, just one day at a time. I just want to feel good again. Is that too much to ask?
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I had to hold onto some stuff for awhile "just in case". I don't recommend it. I wasn't able to throw out my psychedelic stash (which I hadn't touched in years) until a few days ago. I do feel much better that it is gone. I couldn't give it away to anybody because I would be devastated if someone used something I gave them and got into trouble in any way (personally or legally).


Saffron, are you still on the methadone taper?
 
Yes, still on it. Started at 30, then 24, and today I dropped to 20. I told my counselor on weds to drop me down, had I known the next couple days were going to be so hard I might have stayed at 24 a bit longer. I have to wait til monday if I want to go back up.

I used a little bit last night. A tiny, tiny bit - just enough to not feel so horrible and anxious. I didn't get high, I just got to almost normal.

I feel better today, I don't know if it's the residue of the dope from last night - I don't see how it could be though, that was like 8 pm, and I seriously did a miniscule amount, like one or two sniffs. I dosed a few hours ago and its kicked in - I feel ok. Not the best, and I can feel the difference between 24 and 20, but I don't feel miserable like I did yesterday. I'm going to try not to use anymore.

I do have a whole bottle of gabapentin. I didn't like how it felt when I took it back in december - it made me feel spacey and loopy - but it did help with the withdrawals. I didn't want to take it, but I'm thinking maybe I should. It's obviously better than feeling so bad I end up using again.
 
Having a moment of weakness and doing the rest of the piece I found. After that, starting tomorrow, I'm going to get back on track.

The depression and anxiety are what's hard right now. When it kicks in a feel hopeless, all I can think is negative, like, I'm never going to find a good job where I can support myself, I'm never going to move out of this apt and roomate situation which I am really unhappy in. No matter how much weight I have lost I still look awful (in my sane moments I think I look ok, but when I'm down I just focus on the negative). I have no idea why the guy I'm seeing wants me, at some point he's going to look at my stomach and be like wtf, I can do better than this. He doesnt want me, he's tired of me, I annoy him, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have said that, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have texted him. I should have texted him. I'm going to fuck this up, I'm going to make him not want me anymore and he's like, the bright spot in my life, ironically he's a big part of why I want to get clean. He's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep. I'm going to fuck it up I'm going to fuck it up, I'm going to fuck it up.

When it's bad, those are the thoughts that go through my mind ^ Over and over. I swear I didn't use to get high, I used to stop feeling like I'm going insane with self doubt and anxiety.

It's not always like that tho. It seems to hit particularly hard about 4-5 hours after I dose, for some reason. Like, my dose kicks in and I feel better, and then an hour after its fully kicked in, i start to feel down, and start worrying.

It's not the physical. I have no energy but I dont care about that. It's the doubts in my head and the lack of ability to enjoy anything.

Fucking hell, this is hard.
 
I'm thinking of writing a letter to myself that I can read when I'm feeling bad. Something along the lines of "you feel this way because you're sick. Your thoughts are messed up because you don't have enough dopamine in your system. Your thoughts do NOT reflect reality right now. ."
 
Thanks C.H :)

Depression and anxiety hitting right now. I can't help wondering if I should just go cold turkey... go through a few days of hell, yes - but at least after that I'll be on a steady upward slope of getting better, right? I wonder if I'm putting myself through unnecessary hell here - dosing 20 mg, feeling better for a few hours and then having this wave of depression and anxiety hit, and then feeling crappy all night, looking forward to the next day just so I can get up and go dose when the dose only gives me like 3 hours peace of mind. Maybe it's better to cold turkey it and get it over with, and after a week of feeling like crap I'd actually start feeling better for real, for good?

Really considering doing that... cos I can't live like this. Or if not cold cold turkey then something like 20 for two more days,10 for two days, 5 for two days and then off.
 
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I just dont feel like I"m making any progress... my thinking is that I'll be miserable for a week or ten days, but after that I'll start to feel better and KEEP feeling better... everyday will be a tiny bit better than the next - I'll see light at the end of the tunnel, you know what I mean? Right now I feel like I'm not making any progress, and thats whats driving me crazy. It feels like I'm going to feel this miserable forever. I can barely function.

Or maybe I should admit that I'm tapering too fast and go up?

I wish I could just like go to some mountain cabin for two months and just do it cold turkey. No methadone, no dope - just sweat it out and get it over with.

Or maybe I should stop being stubborn & try the gabapentin again. I didnt like how it made me feel, but fuck, this isnt any better. Surely its better to feel loopy and spacey than anxious and miserable...
 
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