I'ld like to hear from anyone who uses an opioid to fight depression.

[DesertHarp]

I had to learn this the hard way and it took YEARS. I ignored so many people trying to tell me this because I truly wanted to believe opiods were a magic solution. The relief was so intense I couldn't believe that opiods were also the cause of the intense discomfort. I never had a massive habit and generally abstained from anything too strong for too long but man did I find any excuse to end up on some form of pharma opiod, kratom, poppy pods/seeds/tinctures, occasional heroin dabbling that usually wrapped itself up for fear of the impending fentanyl apocalypse lol. Basically anything though that tickled those receptors was sought after and repeatedly justified until I just accepted that it was a problem, it was the cause of the pain, not the thing that would end it.

I feel better now. I still occasionally relapse but I know it's not the way. I am able to quit pretty quickly again these days and stay clean for prolonged periods of time.

Thanks for your post. I'm glad you've gotten to where substance use doesn't dominate your life, and you feel better. I like the way you explain your early use because I can so relate to the feelings you describe. I'm awestruck at how anyone who gets into opioids can ever get free. I mean that most sincerely.

In mid-Dec. 2007, I came back from a job assignment that was 90 miles west of where I lived. I'ld been on this job for awhile. But, one day, I arrived home and could barely get out of the car. Driving long distances always had caused me some back discomfort. But, on this occasion, I couldn't stand up straight. My boyfriend offered me one of his Vicodin tablets, and I took it. That might have been the first time I took one. Thirty minutes later. I said to my bf, "I can totally see how people fall in love with this stuff." I loved how much better I felt, pain free and with a mental relaxation that was bliss.

Soon thereafter, I got my own presciption for Vicodin (hydrocodone.)

 

[DesertHarp]

Continuation:

Once I had my own supply, I didn't go nuts with it. But I'm finding it harder and harder to not use up my monthly allotment ahead of schedule, which can put me into withdrawal.

Wanting short term gratification, despite longer term consequences, is getting hard not to give into.

 

[FuckinAcidMan]

Thanks for your post. I'm glad you've gotten to where substance use doesn't dominate your life, and you feel better. I like the way you explain your early use because I can so relate to the feelings you describe. I'm awestruck at how anyone who gets into opioids can ever get free. I mean that most sincerely.

In mid-Dec. 2007, I came back from a job assignment that was 90 miles west of where I lived. I'ld been on this job for awhile. But, one day, I arrived home and could barely get out of the car. Driving long distances always had caused me some back discomfort. But, on this occasion, I couldn't stand up straight. My boyfriend offered me one of his Vicodin tablets, and I took it. That might have been the first time I took one. Thirty minutes later. I said to my bf, "I can totally see how people fall in love with this stuff." I loved how much better I felt, pain free and with a mental relaxation that was bliss.

Soon thereafter, I got my own presciption for Vicodin (hydrocodone.)

Being free is absolutely possible it's just a really really hard puzzle to solve and unfortunately the way to solve the puzzle is a little different for each one of us and it is kinda hard to just copy another person's homework so to speak and have the exact same results or success in being "clean"


I do absolutely encourage you to explore maintenance options like suboxone or methadone if you think that might work for you, I'm not saying the only way to quit is to just randomly cold turkey until it sticks. Is always good to remember that you have a bunch of options and that you are not alone in your experience, there's a lot of people just like you.

Some of us are actually doing pretty good and have moved on for the most part it's just not always so loudly publicized beyond the hardcore NA/AA types, a lot of people who recover kinda want to keep it to themselves, the whole thing is a big old skeleton in the closet, and having a newly functioning life and things going well kinda makes it hard to want to go over the bad times with people publicly.

 

[BourbonMac]

Kratom is the only opioid that can safely help with depression in my experience, though that magic doesn't last forever. It won't with any opioid, but still. Kratom is different, it's not overly strong to the point where you're just numbed by everything around you. Some, particularly for numbing anxiety, but I'll never forget how it saved me from killing myself in the summer of 2017. Although it's an addiction I still have, I wouldn't be here without it.

Too bad I'm hella suicidal these days, DMT for me is the best substance I've EVER used for depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, all this shit I have. I feel so cleansed after every trip and I gotta get more by any means necessary soon because I really believe I might not see 30 in December without it.

 

[DesertHarp]

Kratom is the only opioid that can safely help with depression in my experience, though that magic doesn't last forever. It won't with any opioid, but still. Kratom is different, it's not overly strong to the point where you're just numbed by everything around you. Some, particularly for numbing anxiety, but I'll never forget how it saved me from killing myself in the summer of 2017. Although it's an addiction I still have, I wouldn't be here without it.

Too bad I'm hella suicidal these days, DMT for me is the best substance I've EVER used for depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, all this shit I have. I feel so cleansed after every trip and I gotta get more by any means necessary soon because I really believe I might not see 30 in December without it.

It sounds like you're not too satisfied with your life. I'm sorry for whatever hard circumstance you might be in. I hope your next birthday is an occasion for gladness.

 

[DesertHarp]

Last night I never fell asleep. Lay in bed awake, looking at YT videos and reading. Normally, I fall asleep doing this. Next morning, I find the smart-phone somewhere in the bed. Not last night. Depressive thoughts and anxiety just escalated.

So I just took 10 capsules of kratom, supposedly that's 5 grams. I washed them down with one of those pre-made Margarita drinks. Didn't drink a lot. I just want to get sleepy.

I keep thinking that there is no way out of this mental misery. Then I think that there's gotta be. There's gotta be an alternative to suicide. That can't possibly be the only way to make this misery stop. I'll go along way, determined to find an alternative. But something has to give me hope.

All night, I keep thinking of asking my primary provider to refer me to the psychiatry dept. Then I think: "Been there; done that." It was about 10 years ago, but they weren't any help.

I read about new treatments. Then I think of all the discoveries that were hyped and eventually found to have little effect.

 

[DesertHarp]

Last night I never fell asleep. Lay in bed awake, looking at YT videos and reading. Normally, I fall asleep doing this. Next morning, I find the smart-phone somewhere in the bed. Not last night. Depressive thoughts and anxiety just escalated.

So I just took 10 capsules of kratom, supposedly that's 5 grams. I washed them down with one of those pre-made Margarita drinks. Didn't drink a lot. I just want to get sleepy.

I keep thinking that there is no way out of this mental misery. Then I think that there's gotta be. There's gotta be an alternative to suicide. That can't possibly be the only way to make this misery stop. I'll go along way, determined to find an alternative. But something has to give me hope.

All night, I keep thinking of asking my primary provider to refer me to the psychiatry dept. Then I think: "Been there; done that." It was about 10 years ago, but they weren't any help.

I read about new treatments. Then I think of all the discoveries that were hyped and eventually found to have little effect.

 

[BourbonMac]

10 capsules would more likely be around 6 grams. Once upon a time when my vendor was out and there were only capsules in town, I bought them. Emptied them out and it was always 0.6, but I've had capsules that weighed even 0.8 but in general I always find it was 0.6 on average. I prefer to just drink it, but after I had my wisdom teeth out I swallowed tons since kratom would be bad for my healing gums (still healing 5 months later, wtf) but either way it really helped. I had Oxy but I like kratom so much more, though I did need the Oxy the first 2 nights in particular. My kratom tolerance didn't seem to get ruined or anything from it which is interesting.

 

[DesertHarp]

10 capsules would more likely be around 6 grams. Once upon a time when my vendor was out and there were only capsules in town, I bought them. Emptied them out and it was always 0.6, but I've had capsules that weighed even 0.8 but in general I always find it was 0.6 on average. I prefer to just drink it, but after I had my wisdom teeth out I swallowed tons since kratom would be bad for my healing gums (still healing 5 months later, wtf) but either way it really helped. I had Oxy but I like kratom so much more, though I did need the Oxy the first 2 nights in particular. My kratom tolerance didn't seem to get ruined or anything from it which is interesting.

Thanks for that feedback. I didn't know about kratom slowing down healing. I'll remember that. These capsules came in a container, like a jar or pill bottle. On the label it says one serving provides 2.5 grams. It says 5 capsules form one serving. That's where I got the idea that one capsule was 0.5 grams. Sounds like you've discovered that they overfill the caps. I guess that's better than underfilling. I wouldn't want to swallow the powder. I think it would be like eating dirt. But the drug probably kicks in faster for you that way.

 

[BourbonMac]

Kratom doesn't slow down healing, I've just had a sinus infection for a long time that started probably at the beginning of the year that resulted in anemia, my recovery was hell and my infection is still there after a month of antibiotics... scratch that, 35 days. I mean I have 4 more days left but still, I took 3 days off due to concerns about my stomach and kind of fucked everything up. Ringing in my ears had improved so much too.

Honestly capsules kick in basically the same amount of time. Veggie caps break down very fast. Personally I like drinking it lol, but I'm weird. I used to use a chaser but now I just have some water. It was unbearable in the beginning though and some powders do taste truly magnificently horrible, but I tend to go for brands/vendors with milder flavor.

 

[AutoTripper]

Kratom doesn't slow down healing, I've just had a sinus infection for a long time that started probably at the beginning of the year that resulted in anemia, my recovery was hell and my infection is still there after a month of antibiotics... scratch that, 35 days. I mean I have 4 more days left but still, I took 3 days off due to concerns about my stomach and kind of fucked everything up. Ringing in my ears had improved so much too.

Honestly capsules kick in basically the same amount of time. Veggie caps break down very fast. Personally I like drinking it lol, but I'm weird. I used to use a chaser but now I just have some water. It was unbearable in the beginning though and some powders do taste truly magnificently horrible, but I tend to go for brands/vendors with milder flavor.

Look at or type into Google "Dragonfly bioelectric"

Legit safe as houses too electromedicine, incl localised treatment.

I'm about to run through my own sinuses as happens shortly, have been covering my entire throat area last 1.5 hrs.

20-30 minutes current running through sinuses next, I can be literally dying of respiratory suffocation re to infections from Lyme bodged immunity, no chance.

Same in lungs. Any type of infection. Multiples.

Nothing to date amazingly can withstand the simple electrical current.

The "microbe electrifier" is the one. With localised treatment setting and pads. Other excellent genuine devices too, especially the Oscillating Magnetic Field Generator (OMF)

 

[BourbonMac]

I'll look into it, never heard of this.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I'm awestruck at how anyone who gets into opioids can ever get free.

You start that by understanding that they can't hold you captive.

The drug has effects that are VERY desirable to certain individuals, but A) by no means everyone responds that way to opiates and B) those compelling ties you feel are secondary to the drug effect - that's not part of the pharmacology of the substance itself, but a product of how your mind values the drug experience and what emotions and degree of importance you come to attach to it.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Wanting short term gratification, despite longer term consequences, is getting hard not to give into.

And there you've hit on the heart of the problem. As human beings we're wired to seek short-term gratification. Furthermore we're also wired to seek out novel experiences, to be inclined to repeat any experience which we've learnt to associate with reward, and to be habit-forming creatures.

Given all that it's not some baffling mystery why some of us run into problems with substances ; it's rather a bit of a surprise that not many more of us do. It's literal human nature and our own behaviour patterns that get us in trouble.

 

[DesertHarp]

You start that by understanding that they can't hold you captive.

The drug has effects that are VERY desirable to certain individuals, but A) by no means everyone responds that way to opiates and B) those compelling ties you feel are secondary to the drug effect - that's not part of the pharmacology of the substance itself, but a product of how your mind values the drug experience and what emotions and degree of importance you come to attach to it.

I heard years ago that some people are what is called an "opioid responder" - meaning they react very positively to opioids, feeling and functioning better. That's me. I love how hydrocodone affects me, both physically and mentally. If I had easy access to a bigger supply, I would probably become worse addicted.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I heard years ago that some people are what is called an "opioid responder" - meaning they react very positively to opioids, feeling and functioning better. That's me. I love how hydrocodone affects me, both physically and mentally. If I had easy access to a bigger supply, I would probably become worse addicted.

That's absolutely me as well. I was in love from my first shot of heroin.

Interestingly, a similar thing seems to be the case with stimulants.

That's to say, I watched mates of mine try heroin and they ACTIVELY DISLIKED it. Responses I got were along the lines of 'you think THIS is fun??', 'how could anyone EVER get addicted to this boring shit', 'what is the bloody point'.

While I had a similar reaction to the stimulants (either coke or speed) that said mates prized above all else, and found themselves hooked on after one go. Here was me waiting to get a share of that 'king of the world', glorious, fantastically energised feeling, and all I got was brutal paranoia and restlessness. In much the same way other people try opiates and wait for the equally hyped - up 'wrapped in blissful cotton wool' feeling and all that happens is actively unpleasant sedation and discomfort.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

PS that's to say, you can't just put any drug into any person and expect some uniform, reliable result.

 

[swilow]

Sometimes even to the point where I become nostalgic for things I never experienced.

I know that feeling. A yearning for an idealised past where things were simple and pure. Of course, this never existed but the idea itself is true enough.

There's even a word for this- amenoia: Nostalgia for a time or a place one has never known.

 

[Crystal Clouds]

I've started a few threads already. I'm starting this one to introduce myself, which I didn't do before.

I take hydrocodone for back pain. I get 60 tablets each month. (What I get is called Vicodin - hydrocodone and acetaminophen - 10/325.) That's my only supply. It's prescribed legally. Much of the time, my back pain isn't a big issue. Often, the real reason I keep taking these pills is to feel better mentally. I suffer from depression. I've been to shrinks about it and tried all kinds of psych meds. Nothing they prescibe does much. I function okay.

It seems like my life revolves around these pills. Basically, I take one every twelve hours. I'm obsessed with these pills. I count the hours until I can take another one. Sometimes, when the depression is bad, I don't wait the twelve hours. If I run out of pills before the month is up, I pay a price. If I go 36 hours without a pill, I start to have withdrawal. For me that is "restless leg syndrome." I would call it akathisia because it is round the clock. It's torture, so I mostly space out my pills to last the whole month.
At times, I think of suicide to escape the depression. I feel like these tablets are the best thing I have going for me. Yesterday, I took two tablets at the same time because I was having a miserable time with severe depression. That 20 mg of hydrocodone was like getting a glass of water in the desert. It helped a lot.

I wonder if anyone else here finds that using an opioid relieves depression. I don't discuss this with any doctor. I figure that would be the fastest way to lose this prescription that I value so much.

I always have to fight the temptation to use up my tablets ahead of schedule because I don't want to face withdrawal.

I'm trying to find a way to feel better without using up my tablets too soon. I'm thinking of trying edible cannabis. I don't find alcohol helpful, so I'm not much of a drinker.

I don’t want to come off as a downer or pessimist but this does not sound sustainable and sounds a little TOO SIMILAR to the early stages of my heroin addiction.

My story , to try and keep it short , started with Vicodin as well. the prescription was my mother’s however which actually kept me in check from taking too many because i didn’t want to get caught using drugs (i was 13). i noticed an increase in mood and empathy. i loved the world , the people in it and generally felt like the world and people in it loved me back. i took the pills as the bottle said “1 every 6 hours.” i kept the regimen strong for a few months and nobody was any keener to my forming habit — that is until i began smoking marijuana on top of the pills and going on runs. i could run faster and longer and my runner’s high was unmatched. it seemed obvious to continue my usage because if i didn’t like you said , i’d be just uncomfortable (RLS) and kind of grumpy —

It sounds like you’re about to be at this next part of the story and i URGE you to find something in life worth living for so you don’t end up with anything like my shit life. your may be battling depression but it sounds like you’re also battling early stage addiction here. STOP IT WHILE YOU CAN.

— i started to wonder what would happen if i took two or three. so i did and i loved the effects even more. if i just took one i did the feel much anymore. so two or three became regular then daily. i started researching the pills i was ingesting and came to learn of “bioavailability” and “route of administration.” not too long after i was off to the races. snorting pills left and right , liver pain on the regular which i was taking more and more pills to combat. i maxed out at 10-15 pills a day and the stashes were going faster and faster. eventually i did get caught but that’s not why i’m telling this story so i’ll spare you the details. i was buying them illegally and decided to switch to something stronger with what i assumed based on class of drug alone would be the same effects. ergo the heroin. Long story short i’m on the brink of homelessness nowadays a regular IV methamphetamine user , occasional IV fentanyl user and daily IV suboxone user when the money just isn’t there. i don’t have much going for me besides my next paycheck. i would say i want to get clean but i just can’t image a life without the drugs anymore. YOU DON’T WANT TO END UP LIKE ME. this is not a scare tactic , not a lecture and not me pointing the finger. i simply read this and it sounded way too much like myself for me to not bump this thread. stay safe please and find a passion (maybe take up running ? minus the drugs of course) — or just someone to fuck. welcome to bluelight dude.

 

[DesertHarp]

PS that's to say, you can't just put any drug into any person and expect some uniform, reliable result.

Interesting point. I never could see what others loved about smoking weed. I'll much rather have a beer or a glass of wine. Then again, I just don't like inhaling smoke. So recently I've been dabbling in "edibles." I don't find those all that much fun either. Since discovering how nice hydrocodone makes me feel, I even have less interest in alcohol.

A lot of addicts are into poly-substance use. I guess I'ld be a purist, if I were to get deeper into using. I'ld be all about dope. What keeps me safe (so far) is that my supply is legal, physician prescribed. I don't really travel in circles where I run into dealers of illegal stuff. I might be tempted, if I did . . . especially when I'm depressed.