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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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Thanks, guys...it's hard for me to talk about this kinda thing to begin with, and I feel like my problems are pretty insignificant compared to a lot of other dark siders'.

I don't think anyone's told me I've got my head on straight in years, ha. ;) I live in a small town and went from being the good girl with the Ivy league scholarship to that lesbian junkie who doesn't even believe in god. 8o Now that I think about it, moving back home has stressed me out a lot; constantly dealing with these people is so awkward. I have no idea how it took me this long to realize how much I've let them get to me.

My best friend and I are talking about making some changes right now...like in the sense of relationship dynamics, and it seems like everything's just been miscommunication - so far anyway. :\ Our lives have changed a lot, but we never really adjusted our relationship to fit, if that makes sense.

We're still talking and everything, and it is gonna take a while for everything to (hopefully) sort itself out, but I feel a lot better just having talked about it and sorting my thoughts out enough to make them into somewhat coherent posts, heh.

I'm not saying I'm thrilled with my life or anything, but I feel like this would've been some silly shit to die over - I just hope I can keep thinking this rationally. 8) So, much love to all the BLers (on and off this thread) who have offered advice or listened to me ramble....it means a lot. <3
 
Heroin Girl said:
Thanks, guys...it's hard for me to talk about this kinda thing to begin with, and I feel like my problems are pretty insignificant compared to a lot of other dark siders'.

I don't think anyone's told me I've got my head on straight in years, ha. ;) I live in a small town and went from being the good girl with the Ivy league scholarship to that lesbian junkie who doesn't even believe in god. 8o Now that I think about it, moving back home has stressed me out a lot; constantly dealing with these people is so awkward. I have no idea how it took me this long to realize how much I've let them get to me.

My best friend and I are talking about making some changes right now...like in the sense of relationship dynamics, and it seems like everything's just been miscommunication - so far anyway. :\ Our lives have changed a lot, but we never really adjusted our relationship to fit, if that makes sense.

We're still talking and everything, and it is gonna take a while for everything to (hopefully) sort itself out, but I feel a lot better just having talked about it and sorting my thoughts out enough to make them into somewhat coherent posts, heh.

I'm not saying I'm thrilled with my life or anything, but I feel like this would've been some silly shit to die over - I just hope I can keep thinking this rationally. 8) So, much love to all the BLers (on and off this thread) who have offered advice or listened to me ramble....it means a lot. <3
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who is to say your problems are not any better or worse than another person's.you are just as important-you are worth being loved,and letting good people love you.Problems may be measurable moments in our lifetimes but your feelings are what counts.your pain should not be any less important than mine-especially to yourself.validate your pain,just think before you act-i am 33 and I still haven't gotten that one down.
I see you are from NC.Im from SC.Ran off to college and became a lesbian junkie too.But I have not given up.I go back to school in the fall.It is more than a way to better myself,it is a personal goal.One that I have no extended to after my degree in English,I plan to keep going for psychology and one day be as good of a therapist as my shrink of 10 years keeps telling me I WILL be.
you are in the right place,here at Bluelight.so stick around...and speak up.ait and see how many strangers here are just around the corner waiting for your paths to cross and become friends.And I rite novellas at times,so don't seat the length.Stay strong and be safe.
Much Peace and Love...............................skillz<3
 
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n3ophy7e said:
^^ Please please please just be really aware of any changes in your mentality in the next few months while you're settling in to the new pill okay? If you get worse or are having any suicidal thoughts, speak to your doctor about going off the pill IMMEDIATELY <3
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Im totally depressed and suicidal but I do nor want to be locked up for my bday on friday. last year i was in treatment and the year before jail.

nothing every gets better,
 
Thanks, Skillz. <3 It's amazing how much things have turned around in just a few days. Got my relationship issues resolved, and starting pods for maintenance as soon as they arrive. =D

I start back to school Wednesday, so I'm gonna try not to fuck it up a third time..... And good luck with the psychology - we need more good therapists. :) If anyone has any suggestions on how to find one, please shoot me a PM....I've not had much luck in that area.

I really hope things start working out for you, kc. <3
 
xxkcxx said:
Im totally depressed and suicidal but I do nor want to be locked up for my bday on friday. last year i was in treatment and the year before jail.

nothing every gets better,
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Okay, you need to be aware that the way you're feeling could very well be a direct effect of the contraceptive pill. Do not give in to it. It is just an effect of your hormones and it's not really any manifestation of what's going on around you. Please try to keep that in mind, that really helped me when I was suicidal with PMDD symptoms. It will pass. Hang in there hun <3 <3 <3
 
well things havn't been going so well for me lately, had a job, then lost it. had some friends then lost them to. same shit going on with my family. i've been fucking up here pretty bad lately, blew my last pay check on dilaudids and went crazy. blew through $500 (may not sound a lot but for a fast food job thats 49+hours i put in within 2 weeks.) It was total hell, sure i got high, and it felt good but it wore off and i'm sober again waiting for that next rush.
i don't think it will ever stop. it's like i was put on the earth just to get high, till the day i die, and the cocaine isn't helping that idea anyway. i cant seem to put the shit down, i try sure. i go to a meeting and pick up a silverchip and well after the hour in the meeting of me thinking of never being like these people i leave the meeting and do exactly the same shit that they talked about in the meeting.
suicide hasn't crossd the mind but a ''un-planned'' overdose has.
thats how fucked up my thinking is, well drew maybe 2 more pills, and well whynot add some boi and some soft in the syringe, hell it will give u that ''rush'' youve always been wanting.
wish these thaughts would go away for good.
man these are dark days
 
Man don't do yourself in it's not worth it and things can get better and change on a dime. Ive had a IV addiction to dilaudid and morphine so i know how hard it is to kick. I never got hooked on coke but i blew my share fair of cash on powder and rock.

Hang in there man.
 
xxkcxx, you are such a lovely wonderful woman!
I just want you to know that. :D
And I would be very sad if something happened to you.

I know how you feel. Been there done that more times than I care to count.
I hope that BL and make this just a little more bearable.
 
i just can't do anything right. i fuck up every relationship and I add nothing to this world. what's the point?
 
xxkcxx said:
i just can't do anything right. i fuck up every relationship and I add nothing to this world. what's the point?
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The point is you have to live for yourself. Ive fucked up most relationships in my life and the best one ive ever had. Well that just happened on it's own but whatever it still depressed the fuck outta me.

Your a nice person it would be a real shame if you did yourself in. So please don't do it.
 
xxkcxx said:
i just can't do anything right. i fuck up every relationship and I add nothing to this world. what's the point?
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I understand this. I feel the same way at times. I am working on the adding something to the world part - becoming less apathetic.

Pertaining to relationships, your one could still be out there.

I know it seems hopeless at times. We have to keep trying. We will not find true love any other way.

Be well, xxkcxx.
 
D's said:
well things havn't been going so well for me lately, had a job, then lost it. had some friends then lost them to. same shit going on with my family. i've been fucking up here pretty bad lately, blew my last pay check on dilaudids and went crazy. blew through $500 (may not sound a lot but for a fast food job thats 49+hours i put in within 2 weeks.) It was total hell, sure i got high, and it felt good but it wore off and i'm sober again waiting for that next rush.
i don't think it will ever stop. it's like i was put on the earth just to get high, till the day i die, and the cocaine isn't helping that idea anyway. i cant seem to put the shit down, i try sure. i go to a meeting and pick up a silverchip and well after the hour in the meeting of me thinking of never being like these people i leave the meeting and do exactly the same shit that they talked about in the meeting.
suicide hasn't crossd the mind but a ''un-planned'' overdose has.
thats how fucked up my thinking is, well drew maybe 2 more pills, and well whynot add some boi and some soft in the syringe, hell it will give u that ''rush'' youve always been wanting.
wish these thaughts would go away for good.
man these are dark days
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It appears that you are being hindered more than helped by your drug habits - when getting high becomes a priority, a daily mission, and takes your assets, it is time for a drastic change in priorities. Think about it, man. Aside from drugs what could you have bought with your cash? Some nice clothes, shoes, and a date with a girl. A down payment on a new laptop. Whatever. Something proactive, you know?

You are in control of your life, D's (the time is now).
 
I'm actually REALLY happy today (and not just that it is my bday ;) ). My therapist admitted I have BPD. In fact, she was shocked that I didn't know. I've been telling therapists for FIVE years that I met the criteria and they always brushed me off.

I feel so good knowing that it wasn't something wrong with ME that wasn't responding to the meds, it is that PDs cannot be treated with meds. I feel so much more moritvated to work hard now that I know officially!
 
jackie jones said:
It appears that you are being hindered more than helped by your drug habits - when getting high becomes a priority, a daily mission, and takes your assets, it is time for a drastic change in priorities. Think about it, man. Aside from drugs what could you have bought with your cash? Some nice clothes, shoes, and a date with a girl. A down payment on a new laptop. Whatever. Something proactive, you know?

You are in control of your life, D's (the time is now).
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yeah man ur rite, i do have a drug addiction and it sucks. i just like keep getting high. i like the effects that drugs and alcohol give me. i love getting high, and i dont care about others that care for me and want me sober. i fuck up family relationships like that almost on a daily basis.
ive hurt a lot of people wanting and getting high. its really hard for me because i have dope around me 24.;7 mostly, and if not i know for sure that i'm getting my fix after 5ish everyday. ive been in to rehabs all over and i can never stay sober that entirely long. i go to AA crying on my knees stay sober for the time im there, pick up a silver chip get some phone numbers and most cases i get fucked up not but 4 hours or so later, sooner that sometimes. hell even at the meeting before.
i feel so useless now, my family hate me, i have no friends and i have a drug problem. i dont know what to, a simple way out of all my life problems would be so damn easier. can someone help me out?
 
D's, I know you've been struggling for a long time, but you just need to keep on trying. I know you will overcome this, you just need to find the right thing that works for you.

But you also need support. Can you try to make amends with your family?? And of course you also know that you've got a LOT of friends on here who love you <3

It is going to be so worth it when you get better, you will find happiness better than you have ever known <3
 
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