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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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^That must be a difficult experience for a woman to go through. I hope she gets straight and has a beautiful child.

Now you have even more reason to live, J&H. You will be an uncle.
 
Very good thread. I've been suicidal many times before, and if I had the resources, I may have gone through with it. I'm pretty depressed right now, and this was a good read. It was real talk, not just someone trying to comfort you.
 
^^ Yes you can hun. I know you feel weak at the moment but you ARE strong. You've been through so much and you've proven to yourself that you are a strong person. This is no different hun. You can overcome this.
Are you seeing a counsellor or anything at the moment? Talk to us hun, we're all here for you.
Please take care okay?? <3
 
Heroin girl, you can get well. You have to try harder.

The truth is, I used to struggle with suicidal ideation on a constant basis. Bluelight has improved my life so much. I am no longer suicidal, and I have become healthier because I am way more selective with the drugs I use, and practicing Harm Reduction. (I also became vegan three months ago, with influence from Healthy Living and PETA). BL has helped my self-image by making me know chemicals better and seeing that drug users can be responsible too.

We like you, Heroin girl. We are here for you. You are part of our Bluelight family. Please get better. Think about what you can do, work on it, and watch your life improve. I know you can get well <3

If you ever care to talk in private, PM me.
 
Last night I tried to kill myself by putting a plastic bag over my head and falling asleep but I guess I wasn't drunk enough because I couldn't sleep and kept having a stupid fight or flight response force me to take the bag off.
 
Oh, Mr Blonde. Please do not attempt that again. You are a brilliant man with a great personality. We care about you <3. You know that, right? I am sorry to hear that you are hurting. What would make you attempt suicide?
 
Yeah Mr B, I am so glad to hear that you didn't follow through with it <3
What lead to you deciding to attempt it? Please be careful with drinking, the times where I have self-harmed the worst were ALL when I was drunk. We can make some really really bad decisions when we're drunk, most of which we discover were just plain stupid when we sober up. Please take care, we need you around here <3
 
I can't get away from my fractured mind, I'm hearing voices and having racing thoughts and I'm paranoid about people watching me and following me and I'm supposed to be on risperidone but I hate it I can't stand being on it and sleeping all day and it makes me depressed but I guess I'm depressed now anyway...

I had an argument with the woman I love, she thinks I can just stop what's happening to me if I 'try harder' or 'think positively' or some bullshit, she thinks it's all just anxiety but it's not that at all and what she is suggesting is blatantly ridiculous anyway, I'm surprised she would even say that given she has had psychotic episodes and was on anti-psychs and valium for four years. Right now I don't want to see her and I don't know when I will again.

I had to quit codeine because of new laws here and I am not taking that well I crave it every single day, I want to use something but I can't get any opioids... so I've been drinking and using LSD, I want to get some GBL as well I just want to self-destruct everything is fucked up anyway I may as well make it somewhat enjoyable.
 
Also n3ophy7e, in response to your question in the social yes I am seeing a therapist as well, but none of the techniques so far are working to help me get away from my mind and distance myself.
 
I am thinking of it again, I was admitted to a psych ward a few weeks ago for a couple of suicide attempts and cutting myself, there weren't enough beds though so I was kept in the emergency rooms for a couple of nights and they prescribed me an SSRI which I took despite my doubts and then it triggered mania in me and they switched me to risperidone... maybe I should go back though and tell them that I haven't been taking the medication and that I am very messed up right now...
 
Psychiatric units are good places to be able to think in a neutral environment for a while. I will not take their medication, yet it really helps some people.
 
Mr B, like I said in the social thread, your girlfriend just wants you to be happy and well, so I can kinda see why she would be saying things out of frustration. My mum used to do it too: "Why can't you just BE HAPPY?!" 8)
But, I also know that what your girlfriend said is not reasonable or helpful, so I can understand why it's upset you.

mrjj's suggestion of in-patient psych care is a good one, is this something you could look in to??

Also, I know that you're just wanting an escape at the moment and you're using drugs and alcohol to achieve this, but if you are hearing voices you really need to stop using LSD. That is only going to make it worse. The alcohol is also something to be really careful about. But the main thing is that you seek some further help with your current psychological symptoms. Mental illness is something that we constantly need to work on with therapy and meds, until we find the right thing that works for us. Just because one or two or multiple different methods didn't help, doesn't mean that there's nothing that can help you. You CAN get better dude, just keep trying okay? <3
 
Thanks for the support, guys. <3 Sometimes, BL seems like the only place I can talk about this sort of thing...

I feel a little better about my relationship shit working out, I guess - at least for now - and my (obviously failed) OD attempt has left me too poor to attempt another, anyway. :\

It just seems like I've finally got my drug use under control (until this shit started, anyway), and then the rest of my life suddenly implodes, and I wonder why the fuck I bothered in the first place. :\ And, at this point, getting on any feasible ORT therapy/anxiety treatment seems about as likely as moving to an opium farm. :|

Even as a kid, I had a lot of problems with depressions, anxiety, ocd, etc, and I know I've been self-medicating, but I didn't expect to be this dysfunctional without them....I can't imagine all the random drugs improved my brain development too much at 11/12, anyway.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm rambling about, I just wish I could find a doctor who actually gave a fuck about helping me - I currently go to a psych for subutex, but he's far from helpful, and subs (even tex) make me feel exponentially worse.

Every doc I've been to ignores the root of my addiction and/or tells me I need to find my higher power and won't treat me until I do - which I would fake, if they'd do anything other than give me a bunch of SSRI's that I won't take anyway. The most recent acted very helpful, then gave me a pill that she claimed was methadone but was really Celexa. :! When I called her on it (politely), she told me it was the best treatment for opiate addiction and would give me the same feeling, and that if I kept being so uncooperative, she'd have me hospitalized. She's supposedly the best in my area - and should be at $250 a visit. :|

I don't know how doctors can even get away with this shit, but I am so fucking fed up at paying to be insulted and threatened with institutionalization. I'm polite and look like the regular white, suburban 20something; my parents are willing to pay out out of pocket, and I have good insurance - this shouldn't be so goddamn impossible.

I know that a lot of my relationship problems are at least partially rooted in my poor mental health - and the rest of them are probably a result of his (and his denial of them). :\ I'm so sick of having to deal with all of this on my own - it's impossible to function with all this shit, plus sleep paralysis and the new, surprise narcolepsy. I just don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do any more.

Edit: Wow, didn't mean for this to be so long. :o I'm not really the type to talk about my feelings, though, so it was kinda therapeutic putting it all into words...

tl;dr I'm an opiate addict who is somewhat insane and can't handle all the relationship drama. I am universally hated by doctors and have weird sleep disorders.I am also wasted enough to admit this sort of thing.
 
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I'm glad that BL is helping.
I had a lot of the same issues you did.
Pretty much I drove BL nuts with my crap and they got pretty sick of it.
I had tried every medication and nothing seemed to help.
Some even made it worse.
It took getting into a love relationship with someone that was willing to work with me and moving out of my parent's house to see some change.
I got on a medication that worked for me finally.
I know it can be so bad waiting to see if this one MAYBE will work but you have to keep trying.
I mean, what else do you have to lose right?
Now, I'm not on any medication at all!! YAY!
I know my fellow darksiders that have seen me at my worst know that is HUGE!
So I'm proof that there is recovery from anxiety, crushing depression and constant suicidal thoughts.
I'm really glad that I didn't give up.
Sure there were times that it was completely unbearable but those times fade mostly and are now replaced with more love and joy than I have ever experienced in my life. I couldn't ask for anything more.
I suppose you have to keep trying because when things get better they seem to get A LOT better.
 
^^ That is really inspiring PT, thank you :) <3

HG, please just keep trying hun. I know that you will eventually come to a point where everything just clicks in to place and you'll be happy with life.
If your psych isn't helping you, please find a different one. Sometimes it can take a really long time to find the right psych who suits you. But they're definitely out there.
 
I've lurked on BL for a long time, and I remember some of your posts, PT. I'm glad things have worked out so well for you. <3

I know what you mean about relationships....the one that's making me so angsty right now is the only reason I tried to get my life together. We're trying to work shit out now, but the possibility of it ending sends me right back into that same behavior...we've been though enough together that we're both pretty codependent. :\ I've still got a lot of anxiety about how this is all gonna work out, and it's a huge trigger for me to just self-destruct. :(

I do have the option of online pharms/pods, but my parents wanted to exhaust every other possibility before we went that route. They're really frustrated with the docs, too, so hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer to get everything sorted out. I'd like to find a good therapist, though - I know I could use one. 8) Not to mention a sleep specialist...

Logically, I know the subs are causing a lot of emotional problems, but it's really hard to taper when I'm so stressed, even though I know they make me crazy - and my fam/friends let me know, too. %) If I could get through the w/d physically, I'd feel so much better emotionally, even during the withdrawal. Subs are so incompatible with my brain but so hard to quit, even though I hate them. Bleh, Idk what to do. :|

I know things can get better, I'm just so tired of dealing with this shit, and I'm not very optimistic, at this point...I need a vast improvement in either my relationship or my brain chemistry - preferably both. :\ I just don't know how much longer I can go on, feeling like this.

And apologies to all if my novel-length rants seem like attention whoring....I feel kinda weird about admitting such personal things, even here...I'm not very good at talking about my feelings.
 
^^ You're not attention-whoring at all hun, this is what The Dark Side is here for <3
 
^2nd.
I think you really have your head on straight HG. I mean you do understand what you need to be doing. I'm sure you know that you can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't healthy. I think one of the healthiest things I ever did was learn to take an active role in my recovery. I'm sure you can remember that I often complained about how bad things were (really I was looking for someone to understand me, sympathize with me, and have some explanation for my behavior so that I didn't seem so much like a awful person.)
Just try your best to focus on things that are going to make you better both physically and emotionally. You certainly can't put a price on emotional well being. I would nudge you towards rethinking your relationship. For me it would have been pretty much impossible to get better if I had stayed in a poisonous relationship that kept making things worse and triggering things. Although I'm not going to tell you that you need to break up because I personally hated when people said that, eve though they were right in that circumstance, because if it far more complicated and there is a lot of emotional investment and you have to be the one to make that choice.
Just remember that things get better one little thing at a time. You can't expect big changes overnight. Although it can seem to blindside you. I know there have been times when I suddenly relieve how nice it is to be happy for no reason or that how wonderful and different if feels to be truly loved and how lucky I am.
 
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