What country are you in friend?
Different therapists work well with different clients. Please give it another go.
And - it's not just a thought - although I'm glad to hear you say that. It's a fantasy indicative of the level of distress you are experiencing
Here, however, is a cold hard fact.
When we suicide - we pass our pain onto our loved ones five-fold. A lovely little lifetime-lasting gift for them. I've seen the devastation from it multiple times. It's not what any of us want. We just want to feel better, for the pain to stop or at least to lessen.
Virtual hugs brother
Interesting observations of your own there which I'm not discounting, but wonder if maybe not per se, context depending.
Like crushing mourning, feeling of having failed trauma etc.
Only thinking cos my own dad OD'd on smack 1983, a brilliant but bipolar stepdad gangster dude
<edited out suicide method - SMod> 1987.
So I never personally felt or took on any pain except maybe 3 Yr old observing my mum's sorrow then.
So I ponder what you say irt my mum's experience. Maybe! Like an abacus of sorts.
Still I'm not fully convinced, I mean no q suicidal can be aa traumatic an event as any for close ones, and pain comes from trauma especially loss I bet enough people lost children, parents, dogs or partners through accident or illness also had a long deal of pain to work through.
We're talking about passing on/therefore forfeiting a degree of "karma" here I feel maybe.
See I trust all is somehow never unsightly (just cos no-one else found out say lol)
And our own actions and walking line are the chief ultimate determinants of our own conduct.
I'd def postulate- we end tings. We HURT people. Grief.
Like my saintly dog. We have between us a true powerful infinite as in literally unbreakable or..,undying love!
No bad whatsever can get into her. Two humans can always fall out of love.
I tell my dog, however many boulders or shards of glass come my way, it's still impossible whatever I experience that my cemented feelings and love for her just can't wane.
And I know she feels equal. I'm the light of her eyes. I keep her the happiest highly spirited companioned thing she's need for.
I built up her spirit over years too with...love! Constant reinforcements for keeping spirit high, training.
Things 2 years ago would have depressed her needing most gentle loving talking back around, she's immune to now like, even when it seems like it's "the end of the world' say, she holds head high trusting it's not so.
Conditioning to be immune there.
Regardless her utmost happiness depends upon my companionship not just my mum's caring.
If I wasn't here suddenly she'd be heart broken because of how pure our love and higher playful connection is, my unbreaking spirit bolstering.
I can't bear the thought. Not understanding and missing me forever.
In my mind though, her pain unless I'd truly NO choice say, or other way....would be added to my own karma account.
It may not be so black and white I guess but who truly knows all these things hey?
That old song "Suicide is painless.." your proposed theme. Like easy exit, let rest clear up your muck. As if the villain is scot free out of all torment like.
Because I reason the more hurt you cause that karma goes straight into your file.
I'm not deterred by that selfish thinking though.
Just such care and love I don't want her to suffer feel lonely or confused all else aside.
It's my biggest personal concern in life too!!
Even if Noah's next Arc is fully booked lol, or Vladimir eventually sticks one up Joe's butt.
It's Valerie (plus my mum ofc except she has at least chance to accept and reconcie) is my concern, altruistically too. Not to make me feel better.
Play it every day, even if you don't feel like it. You will very likely feel better afterwards. Do you sing at all? Singing releases endorphins, which will make you feel better, even if it is temporary. That's why you should do it every day. I dearly hope you ignore those thoughts of suicide, because you are here for a reason.
So it's no excuse