TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

[Staring into the Abyss]

I’m about 6 days sober from booze and this is when the reality of my life starts to sink in. I’ve had chronic pain for half my life (I’m 47, it started when I was 23.)

I was 23, in the best shape of my life, running 25-30 miles a week. Now, I can’t exercise without tremendous pain, so I’m overweight, HBP, high cholesterol, unattractive.

This is when I start thinking: 1) What’s the point in being sober if I still feel like shit?
2) What’s the point in living?

 

[Senior Moderator]

I’m about 6 days sober from booze and this is when the reality of my life starts to sink in. I’ve had chronic pain for half my life (I’m 47, it started when I was 23.)

I was 23, in the best shape of my life, running 25-30 miles a week. Now, I can’t exercise without tremendous pain, so I’m overweight, HBP, high cholesterol, unattractive.

This is when I start thinking: 1) What’s the point in being sober if I still feel like shit?
2) What’s the point in living?

Being off the booze might help you get some motivation to get some further help, instead of ending your life. Have you tried swimming or aquarobics or something like that, to help lose a bit of weight and get some confidence back? It might even help with your pain, because it's so low impact.

The high point of the last several days has been figuring out a plan to off myself. Funnily, it's good motivation to get sober, because i have to get off the booze so i can afford to do it.

I'm done with life. I've suffered from depression since childhood, self-medicated with alcohol and drugs since my pre-teens, failed as a human being and destroyed my mental and physical health beyond repair in the process. I am now at a point where i can either continue wrecking myself with alcohol and drugs or be constantly depressed and anxious. I can't fix my past and i have no future.

Have you tried any medications or therapy to help with your depression and anxiety? I too was stuck in the cycle of self-medicating with drugs and alcohol, until I got professional help with my mental illnesses. I'm sober now, and happy, clear-headed. I still have terrible anxiety but I now have non-substance methods of dealing with it.

 

[BourbonMac]

To think I'd been bitching about my ears as much as I was in June and July. I'd actually kill to have it be like that again, because now, good fucking lord... it's a tea kettle at max volume going off in both of my ears and the most intense electrical hissing to the point where I really think that for no apparent reason other than shit luck, I'm going deaf.

I've been dealing with a lot this past month, ever since returning from Nebraska at the end of August. I've broken several knuckles, my bedroom door in half, threw things to make holes in my wall, and now it's time to end this. A friend of mine who's in the army doesn't know I'm suicidal and is going to help me get a gun this week. There's more to it than just my ears but my ears are a huge part of it. A very huge part of it. But being totally alone, with nothing, no one, also doesn't help... I hardly consider this guy my friend, he's just a tool for me to get a gun because I'm too much of a pussy to jump in front of a car. At least with a gun, I have a very high probability of it working.

Thank you all for being the best forum I've been on, and unless some miracle strikes in the next week, this is my good bye.

 

[Flynnal]

To think I'd been bitching about my ears as much as I was in June and July. I'd actually kill to have it be like that again, because now, good fucking lord... it's a tea kettle at max volume going off in both of my ears and the most intense electrical hissing to the point where I really think that for no apparent reason other than shit luck, I'm going deaf.

I've been dealing with a lot this past month, ever since returning from Nebraska at the end of August. I've broken several knuckles, my bedroom door in half, threw things to make holes in my wall, and now it's time to end this. A friend of mine who's in the army doesn't know I'm suicidal and is going to help me get a gun this week. There's more to it than just my ears but my ears are a huge part of it. A very huge part of it. But being totally alone, with nothing, no one, also doesn't help... I hardly consider this guy my friend, he's just a tool for me to get a gun because I'm too much of a pussy to jump in front of a car. At least with a gun, I have a very high probability of it working.

Thank you all for being the best forum I've been on, and unless some miracle strikes in the next week, this is my good bye.

Have you ever thought about getting a dog or a puppy? That's what I did to try to get past this. It's working, only just, but it's working. Only because one of my two pups won't eat what's put in front of her, but anyway.

Try something else rather than the unthinkable. I know tinnitus sucks because I have it as well.

 

[Jnowhere]

Bourbon Mac you need to seek medical help
Killing yourself will not end your suffering. Hell awaits, is not just a Slayer song. If you die before you repent for your sins and you truly ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Savior; Hell is exactly what you have to look forward too. Eternity in total darkness and never ending suffering. Death is no escape from suffering. You need to seek medical help and you need to repent and ask Jesus Christ, the one and only son of God, to be your Lord and Savior. He died on the cross so those who would repent and believe in him, could have eternal life; Instead of eternal death, Hell.
I am alone, but I have the Lord. I actually look forward to church. There are three spiritual beings who make up one God. God the Father, God the Son and The Holy Spirit. We Christians take it on faith.
I have almost no one in my life, but I have God. The Lord, not some rehab or 12 step program, helped me over come my addiction to alcohol and one of the perscription drugs I was on. Benzo addiction is a little different, but the Lord has helped me in more ways than I could count or remember. Besides that friend who is helping you get the gun, he could end up in trouble, how selfish is possibly ruining someone else's life. Trust me I know enough about gun laws, to know this guy could end up in big trouble.

 

[xaddictx]

Bourbon Mac you need to seek medical help
Killing yourself will not end your suffering. Hell awaits, is not just a Slayer song. If you die before you repent for your sins and you truly ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Savior; Hell is exactly what you have to look forward too. Eternity in total darkness and never ending suffering. Death is no escape from suffering. You need to seek medical help and you need to repent and ask Jesus Christ, the one and only son of God, to be your Lord and Savior. He died on the cross so those who would repent and believe in him, could have eternal life; Instead of eternal death, Hell.
I am alone, but I have the Lord. I actually look forward to church. There are three spiritual beings who make up one God. God the Father, God the Son and The Holy Spirit. We Christians take it on faith.
I have almost no one in my life, but I have God. The Lord, not some rehab or 12 step program, helped me over come my addiction to alcohol and one of the perscription drugs I was on. Benzo addiction is a little different, but the Lord has helped me in more ways than I could count or remember. Besides that friend who is helping you get the gun, he could end up in trouble, how selfish is possibly ruining someone else's life. Trust me I know enough about gun laws, to know this guy could end up in big trouble.

Very well said indeed.

 

[Jnowhere]

Bk38, I have read part of your story and seems that so many people have been psychologically destroyed by Scientology, and you are another example. I mean people seem to be destroyed for life by them. It seems that people are either destroyed or enslaved by them. Vitamins, saunas and brainwashing is no way to help addicts. As a Christian I can not endorse any drug use. I myself am fighting multiple addictions. I have found peace when I truly repented of my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Then came living as God would want you to live. That has been very hard me but as someone who is rebellious and self centered. But I have changed. I am far from perfect and have to work on a lot of things. I was a drunk who nearly died, and traded one addiction for 3. Perscription drugs to deal with pancreatitus. I am working on getting off 2 of them and possibly a third. I have found that only God can bring true peace and that the only way to true happiness is repenting of your sins and truly accepting Jesus Christ(the one and only son of ALMIGHTY GOD) as your lord and Savior. Those who believe in him, that he is the son of God and died on the cross, and rose from the dead; will have eternal life in heaven. Leading a Christian life is not easy, but the lord has helped me out more times than I know or can remember. I may live alone, but since repenting of my sins( yes I still sin and am constantly asking for forgiveness) I have the Holy Spirit in me and know that heaven awaits.

 

[xaddictx]

Bk38, I have read part of your story and seems that so many people have been psychologically destroyed by Scientology, and you are another example. I mean people seem to be destroyed for life by them. It seems that people are either destroyed or enslaved by them. Vitamins, saunas and brainwashing is no way to help addicts. As a Christian I can not endorse any drug use. I myself am fighting multiple addictions. I have found peace when I truly repented of my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Then came living as God would want you to live. That has been very hard me but as someone who is rebellious and self centered. But I have changed. I am far from perfect and have to work on a lot of things. I was a drunk who nearly died, and traded one addiction for 3. Perscription drugs to deal with pancreatitus. I am working on getting off 2 of them and possibly a third. I have found that only God can bring true peace and that the only way to true happiness is repenting of your sins and truly accepting Jesus Christ(the one and only son of ALMIGHTY GOD) as your lord and Savior. Those who believe in him, that he is the son of God and died on the cross, and rose from the dead; will have eternal life in heaven. Leading a Christian life is not easy, but the lord has helped me out more times than I know or can remember. I may live alone, but since repenting of my sins( yes I still sin and am constantly asking for forgiveness) I have the Holy Spirit in me and know that heaven awaits.

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was an addict, alcoholic and was near death also. I went to rehab and got clean. Just recently I got saved at my church which was wonderful, but I still have flaws I need to work out. Basically, I have anger issues and cuss but I feel awful after doing it. God knows were not perfect, so we do the best we can. Congratulations on accepting Christ into your heart and we will work out the bumps in the road.

 

[now here]

Yes, it does sound like we have a lot in common. I'm just really frustrated, upset and I know I'm not fulfilling my potential. My Mother does speak fluent French and I've been using the app Duolingo to try and boost my vocabulary. I'm too broke to go out and about in town and make friends and that's frustrating too. I've spent 3 weeks in a psych ward here about a year ago and that was so isolating and difficult, not speaking the language and all. I want to claw my way out but the language seems insurmountable. I tried to take a French government course to get employed but it was far too advanced. I have another language class organized through them coming up on the 12th and have my CV and stuff in order for them to send out so that maybe I can get a simple job that doesn't require such high-level language skills. I feel really trapped and disappointed in myself. My Mom knows that psychedelics sometimes help me and she has ordered some magic truffles for me online that should arrive sometime next week. The introspection and a trip might be able to do me some good, I don't know, but they have helped me in the past. I'm currently masking my pain, both physical and emotional with codeine and valium, but I know that's not sustainable and is likely to bring me down further. I don't want to be in France for years and years with nothing to show for it and I'd much rather be somewhere else, out on my own again instead of being a burden to my mother, who barely makes enough money for us to keep food on the table. My dad is relatively wealthy but doesn't want to bail me out again and I don't think he has a grasp on how bad things have gotten. He lives in Thailand with his 4 dogs and has a narcissistic personality. I love both my parents, but I've been through so much and feel so damaged. I can't remember the last time I've been able to hold my head up high. I'll attach a link to a bit of my story if you care to read it, it was an article I wrote centered around psychedelics for an RC company, but really it tells a lot of my life story. There still isn't a day that goes by without me thinking about suicide, but I know it's not the answer. My Dad will come to visit in Oct and it will be the first time I'll be seeing him in 4 years, we don't always get along but maybe I can make him understand how tough life has been. Thanks again for listening and being there.

Here's the link to the article, it's about 10,000 words long, but if you have the time to read it, it might lend you some insight into my life:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sCdHJf_jXaXRMRp7bh9UuTYjib_scYdIp1562sY8JMQ/edit?usp=sharing

BK38 - I just finished reading your article.
Incredible!! Moved me so much I created an account to let you know that I believe in you. That's really all I can manage to say at the moment. I just found this forum today and have been reading through these posts for hours. Like you and the others here I'm doing what I can day by day to hang on. You inspire me. I'm inspired by the lot of you here.

 

[BK38]

Your story sounds so similar to mine. I was an addict, alcoholic and was near death also. I went to rehab and got clean. Just recently I got saved at my church which was wonderful, but I still have flaws I need to work out. Basically, I have anger issues and cuss but I feel awful after doing it. God knows were not perfect, so we do the best we can. Congratulations on accepting Christ into your heart and we will work out the bumps in the road.

I hope you're doing well and I'm sure it's true that many of us share these common threads in our lives. I'm not sure where you got the "accepting Christ into your heart" bit as I am not Christian or religious in general. I'm happy for you if it helps you though. We're all inherently flawed. To err is human. Here's to navigating those bumps in life!

 

[BK38]

BK38 - I just finished reading your article.
Incredible!! Moved me so much I created an account to let you know that I believe in you. That's really all I can manage to say at the moment. I just found this forum today and have been reading through these posts for hours. Like you and the others here I'm doing what I can day by day to hang on. You inspire me. I'm inspired by the lot of you here.

That's great that the article I wrote moved you so much and hopefully instilled a sense of hope in you too. Thanks for taking the time to read it (even though I know it's kind of narrowed in focus towards psychedelics) - you do get the broad strokes of my life. Keep hanging on and welcome to BL.

 

[BK38]

Bk38, I have read part of your story and seems that so many people have been psychologically destroyed by Scientology, and you are another example. I mean people seem to be destroyed for life by them. It seems that people are either destroyed or enslaved by them. Vitamins, saunas and brainwashing is no way to help addicts. As a Christian I can not endorse any drug use. I myself am fighting multiple addictions. I have found peace when I truly repented of my sins and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Then came living as God would want you to live. That has been very hard me but as someone who is rebellious and self centered. But I have changed. I am far from perfect and have to work on a lot of things. I was a drunk who nearly died, and traded one addiction for 3. Perscription drugs to deal with pancreatitus. I am working on getting off 2 of them and possibly a third. I have found that only God can bring true peace and that the only way to true happiness is repenting of your sins and truly accepting Jesus Christ(the one and only son of ALMIGHTY GOD) as your lord and Savior. Those who believe in him, that he is the son of God and died on the cross, and rose from the dead; will have eternal life in heaven. Leading a Christian life is not easy, but the lord has helped me out more times than I know or can remember. I may live alone, but since repenting of my sins( yes I still sin and am constantly asking for forgiveness) I have the Holy Spirit in me and know that heaven awaits.

I think that there are many paths out of suicidal ideation, addiction, depression etc. I'm glad Christianity is working out for you, but I personally do not see it as THE ONLY path out. I can understand your enthusiasm as it seems to be working for you, but personally I do not see Christ as my saviour nor do I think that relegates me to hell or purgatory or whatever. I think telling people that are thinking of killing themselves that they will go to hell is wrong. You may disagree, but I see it as adding an unnecessary layer of guilt to someone and kicking them when they're down. Again, there are many paths to a happy, healthy life and I'm not knocking your faith, but the religious route is not for everyone.

 

[Jnowhere]

I ain't talking about religion, I am talking about truth. We are here for a reason. Call it a test or whatever, but hell is real and so is heaven. There is a reason the name Jesus Christ invokes so much emotion, good and bad. His name and who he is are very real and so is Judgement. This ain't about kicking people when they are down, it is about hope and escape from eternal damnation to The Lake of Fire. There is a very good reason Jesus's name will not go away( and no it is not because it is a somewhat common name used mostly by Hispanics) It is because he is the Son of ALMIGHTY GOD and he sits on his throne at right hand of God the Father. In the JUDGEMENT SEAT. He first came here to save those who would believe and After he returns,( there will be the Anti- Christ who will deceive many before his return), Then he will judge those who are not saved. This is not about kicking people when they are down. He came first to save the world, and then to judge it. I would laugh, be angry and probably dismissive if I were not saved too. True repentance for one's sins and and a true saving knowledge and having The Lord Jesus Christ as your Saviour is the only escape from hell. ( I am not talking about those who die before the age of accountability or retards)

 

[Jnowhere]

IT IS THE ONLY PATH

 

[BK38]

I ain't talking about religion, I am talking about truth. We are here for a reason. Call it a test or whatever, but hell is real and so is heaven. There is a reason the name Jesus Christ invokes so much emotion, good and bad. His name and who he is are very real and so is Judgement. This ain't about kicking people when they are down, it is about hope and escape from eternal damnation to The Lake of Fire. There is a very good reason Jesus's name will not go away( and no it is not because it is a somewhat common name used mostly by Hispanics) It is because he is the Son of ALMIGHTY GOD and he sits on his throne at right hand of God the Father. In the JUDGEMENT SEAT. He first came here to save those who would believe and After he returns,( there will be the Anti- Christ who will deceive many before his return), Then he will judge those who are not saved. This is not about kicking people when they are down. He came first to save the world, and then to judge it. I would laugh, be angry and probably dismissive if I were not saved too. True repentance for one's sins and and a true saving knowledge and having The Lord Jesus Christ as your Saviour is the only escape from hell. ( I am not talking about those who die before the age of accountability or retards)

We're really going to have to agree to disagree on this one. Your religion may be YOUR truth but it might not be MY truth. I don't want to go too off topic in a thread where we are supposed to be supporting one another. If Christianity is what gives you solace or lends you purpose; gives you strength when you are suicidal, then that's fine and I'm all for it. I will not tolerate the feeling of being made to feel judged because of my lack of faith in a particular religion. By saying all those that do not accept Christ into their hearts are condemned to eternal damnation in a lake of fire, you come across as foisting your religion upon others in my opinion. What about the billions of people that don't believe in Christianity and are good people? The athiests, the agnostics, the Buddhists, the Hindus, the Sikhs, the Muslims, the Jews... all condemned to hell? All the good people that have donated their time on this planet to helping others and aren't Christian? There is no definitive proof that heaven or hell exist and I do not accept your truth as my own. With all that said, I hope you are doing well.

 

[Jnowhere]

There is only one truth, and that is Jesus Christ is Lord

 

[BK38]

There is only one truth, and that is Jesus Christ is Lord

Preach elsewhere. You're entitled to your beliefs, but they are not mine. I was super polite and understanding of your stance, please afford me/this space the same politeness and understanding. I won't go on ad nauseum about why Christianity or organized religion in general is not my truth. I'm not buying what you're selling and your talk of eternal lakes of fire etc are nothing but a thinly veiled guilt trip imo. You want to post a psalm or something that might help someone? Cool. Want to gently suggest that religion is working out for you and the reasons why? Cool. Want to foist your religion upon me and others? Not fucking Cool - this is a suicide support thread, not a pulpit.

 

[searchingforthesound]

I guess I belong I've seriously considered suicide for most of my life. One attempt as a teenager. Slit my wrist. I'm reaaaallly lucky that I wasn't smart enough at the time to use a razor blade and I used a dull knife, and gave up after about an hour of hacking away at my wrist. I was truly trying to end my life. Glad there was no internet at the time or I probably would have been better prepared.

Since then I've always seen suicide as being a viable option. " If things don't get better by x year, or by the time I'm at y age. If I get diagnosed with some incurable degenerative disease. If my employment situation gets to the point I can't make ends meet. If the environment collapses. If there is a fascist takeover/civil war/inescapable violence. If the world becomes unlivable, then I've got that option"

Since I came to that conclusion 20+ years ago, I certainly had my ups and downs but things never truly got better. Had some brief periods of happiness, employment situation has been better than I worried about (meaning of continually had a job that I hate and makes me very unhappy but has provided enough income to stay alive without going too far in debt ) but also lots of depression and still haven't found the love and friendship that makes a life worth living.

But let's be honest, the environment is collapsing at an exponential rate, we are on the brink of world war III, a fascist dictator is extremely likely to take control in a year or so, and AI will be evolved enough to put everybody out of a job within a few more years.

Basically waiting for things to get to the point of no return, or to get laid off from my job, then take a trip around the world to have as much fun as I can before maxing out my credit cards and then blammo. Or maybe I find something on that last hurray trip around the world that makes me decide to keep going, I don't know.

I think it's a rational decision. I hope things don't get that bad, but haven't seen much evidence they won't. Seems like best case scenario is I find enough love and happiness for my life, and find a way to alleviate the suffering of others for as long as I can before pulling the trigger. I do want that to be a long time but I don't think things will realistically get better for the human species. Even if we avoid WWIII, mother nature isn't going to likely to relent.

The best days are the ones where I'm too distracted to think about this shit

 

[Jnowhere]

Don't believe all the environmental bs, there is a lot of money and power with this environmental disaster nonsense. Everything else, people are like, don't believe all that you hear
Hey It was global cooling, the Ozone hole, global warming, now climate change and eco disaster. It is all about power and money. Don't believe all the bs, the Earth is tough and a hugh volcanic eruption could do more damage than man could ever. Mount Tambora and the year without a summer. How quick people are to believe those who have a lot to gain by this eco non sense.
Nuclear war, It is more likely, but shouldn't worry about what ifs.
I am in bad shape mentally also, have many reasons, even my doctor said I should go see a shrink and get on disability. He is actually a good doctor and was sort of friends with my late father. ( my dad was a surgeon and they would talk, even before he became my dad's primary care doctor.)
I have been depressed for so long, I have almost no interest in anything, have almost no employment history and I know life will only get more dreary for me. I drank and got cirrhosis and am in physical pain and have no direction or purpose.
But suicide is not an option. My whole life has been lonely and sad. Much of it my fault as I got older.
I have done a lot of possibly irreversible mental damage by many years of constant benzo use.( legally)
I couldn't get a job if I tried, and have barely enough energy or will to do the basics of life and many issues, but suicide is not an acceptable option.
Don't let worry or the what it's of the media, and all the bad things beyond your control get you down, especially when they haven't happened.
I have only 1 relative I talk to regularly and no friends. My life has lost any meaning and my liver, is a death sentence waiting to happen, but still I know suicide is not an option. Watch a lot of depressing documentaries like me and you will see their are billions worse off. I have passed the point of finding love and have nothing, at least in this life to look forward too. But suicide, even though I easily could kill myself, is not an option.
My only sibling and best and only friend, my little sister, her death was ruled a suicide. I disagree but she had so many issues( medically) that were not her fault. Her death my mom's death almost exactly a year earlier from complications of cirrhosis and my dad who I was close too, dying in August has nearly destroyed me, but life is still worth living.
I have trouble eating, my doctor and my conservative father both thought medical Marijuana was a good idea for me, but that turned to overuse and no longer effective.
Just don't make the mistake of wallowing in sadness, I do it sometimes and have realized how pointless it is. Iam surrounded by stress, too complicated and lengthy to explain, but don't give up. I was only able to eat a few cookies and and ounce or so of pretzel sticks today so far. Thinking of going to domino's for $7.99 carry out special and forcing my self to eat.
There has to be reasons you can find to go on. Right now mine is a cheap pizza once my meds kick in. Don't give up

.

 

[CFC]

But let's be honest, the environment is collapsing at an exponential rate, we are on the brink of world war III, a fascist dictator is extremely likely to take control in a year or so, and AI will be evolved enough to put everybody out of a job within a few more years.

I think when we're already overloaded by our own internal struggles, allowing external noise to pollute our minds generally makes things worse. I know this might sound like a strange thing to do, but I do wonder if perhaps not listening to any 'news' at all (or selectively listening only to more uplifting things), might at least take this additional burden off your shoulders? None of us can control these things individually, so listening to what's going on really serves no useful function at all most of the time.

On the other hand, travel can be a superb way of helping to shift out of a pervasive funk and improve our thoughts and feelings about the world. So if you can do at least some of that, it might be a real boon. Either way, I hope you find a way through your struggles