Being cradled by the hands of Nature that end to the suffering is going to be sought out by about everyone at some point. For some people it is just before they die. Others learn that when they are younger and live their life with some form of "undisclosed knowing" that life has some meaning. But death is the release from the pain and suffering. Whatever that entails we look forward to it and to me that is absolutely normal. Who would want to live for 500 years? That is 500 years of pain and suffering and hurting body. I actually am glad you typed that AT as I feel like you see through the illusion. And I feel deep down you know we have to endure this stuff. lol I would almost do anything to not have to go through my life. (not proud of that at all) And my life looks charmed from the outside. But as humans we lack feeling a lot of love. Our whole life is "where is the love in that situation man!" The meaning of life. To explore the nature of love where love seems not to be. (worth typing that again) Where is the love man? We do that all day everyday. Wanting oblivion from that just seems normal to me.
Keep that in mind Mac. Life is movement. I will almost bet you a year or two down the road the tinnitus will move more to the back round of your life. Life will swallow you up in other ways and make way for a whole slew of new problems. lol But stick around, I want to check in a year from now. I had some torture with tinnitus and felt there was no way out. Yet that was over 30 years ago. Do I hear gurgling and hissing now? Yes if I think about it. But again when I close my eyes there are flashes of light in that darkness too. We can't get away from the static. But it does become less important as time goes on.
Had to look up ideation. I did not know when I day dream just ending it all was that. Honestly how can anyone live this life without suicidal ideation? Yet we have a lot of strong people here. But I admit the older I get the more ideation I have. Just tired like you all. But pushing through because there really is no choice. Like we have to go through life and not around it. Glad I am older though, and again not proud I am looking forward to death. I get embarrassed and guilty when I think about it. I often look to the sky and mutter I promise one day I will be happy, feeling guilty that I have all these blessings and still want to escape the painful life.
I have been muttering lately that being awake is painful. And it is.
Thanks brother in spirit heart and mind.
You know I was thinking earlier...mmm? My mate Jacka (lol)... when might we confer here again out open??
I take nearly zero granteds in this life now, so I don't even count on such things.
In my feeling, it's a vital collective lesson to learn to appreciate and be thankful, as well as not ungratefully assume such & so etc..
But there...you were!
Ideation is a cool word. I've used it a lot over time. You know me, I like my words, especially the ones I make up myself lol, considering them valid conjugations, or perfectly clear and imaginatively apt beyond dictionary slangish freestylers (lol, < 2 examples) because I feel that's okay.
Otherwise we are ruled by restrictive, limiting constraining pedandicity.
Another, possibly? ^
I try not to buy into fashion, trend etc. I do use "lol" like tap water, because I feel it is just a lightener, a lighter spark to balance the serious, add some width and diffusion.
However ideation is still a neutral term. Like for eg... I abandoned long time ago my ideation of a no T 2.5 mg trip lol.
Decided...f that.
1 mg is PPPlenty these days thank you!
So ideation isn't a one way track at all. Mmm. Is ideate a valid conjugation??
I ideate to achieve total bliss peace and....
I'd adopt it anyway.
I wonder if maybe you mistook me, slightly context wise, I can't be sure ofc but...
When I said I'd take oblivion any day...
I didn't at all mean say, okay let's go!
I'd hang in through nail and tooth then. I just can't see that though I wish I could entertain to me the fantasy we only have "one life".
It's what may come after, expecially suicide say, which preoccupies me as well as my enormous love and care for my amazingly saintly dog the thought of leaving alone behind forever un-understanding, facing her own ageing pains feeling alone.
That thought alone rips me up so bad, I've waded thick through fogs hell & water against odds!!
Fancy that. A true altruistic love so strong I'll overcome impossibilities for it's higher purely selfless purpose.
Anyway...last days (I went about 4 weeks just flexibly eyeballing powder until finally made new olive oil solution days ago, 1 ml ="3.333333 mg's 1.5 = 5 0.3 =1
& so on.
Well I'd no idea of my actual tolerance status but pleasingly 20 mg's went a mile. Like 30-35 mg's months ago.
So....20, 15, 23, 20, so far today 4:22 pm 15 but awake since 4 am tbf.
So hope is make one more 5 mg dose suffice. Work on from there.
I do hope really Mac takes heed too of our encouraging urge to keep forward sight, hope, belief. We grow through these tumultuous experiences ironically though PTSD remains a curse too.
But like you say, so much damn block can virtually wash out sight under bridge in just time!
I've learned this. Amazing too. Adaptation, healing, re-programming. Accepting. And again appreciation.
Takes time though and IME age 30 tricks one into an unnecessary panic about time, life and opportunity egg-timering down (haha you see what I mean re full natural language flexibility(
Because despite all, the mad intensity I moan about personally
I have to philosophically deduce, like a row of Dominoes say, all is ultimately pre-determined, destined.
Never discounting free will though but same time, I do ponder our seeming "choices" may be an illusion, and there is (haha what a totally diff slant on this phrase) "no chance" in life.
Cold rainy here today brrr. Not feeling too hot myself.
Keep your head up.