Deleted member 521610
Bluelighter
We sound very similar. Im still a slave to the trauma of my childhood getting my ass beat every day at school till i got kicked out for becoming very twisted evil and violent in response to the extreme bullying. Though still to this day there is darkness that hangs over me and blood lust fills my mind remembering some of the sick twisted shit some of these purely evil bastards did to me. I don't even like to talk about it at all and the only other person i ever told the true extent of the abuse was when i was under LSD on my second trip ever and it hit me like a fucking sack of bricks and i cried.
Fucking evil cunts are going to burn in hell 100% no movie is even close to the shit i once had done on me at school. Sadly i have heard the same things happen to other kids growing up in schools. Kids can be more fucking evil than adults man. But then you have to wonder if they are that evil what is going on at home for them to think that is totally acceptable.
One of my coping mechanisms has been to consume shit loads of drugs push everybody away from me and be totally lost in the drug haze living like a rock star. Anytime somebody tells me to stop even just smoking weed or harder drugs i cut them out of my life and use even more because i feel like shit getting judged and i dont want that type of judging people around me. Expect of course if they are part of my closest mates and know me well then i will taken into consideration what they have to say because if they are telling me to lay off drugs then i must be getting really bad.
Its hard to take accountability infact is till take no accountability for whatever actions i do and blame PTSD depression anxiety on everything bad i do because it is kind of true that those tramuas have me do everything i ever did. Thats why alot of people who were abused in state homes in NZ in the 1960s 1970s all the way to the 1990s created the gangs we have now because man hearing there stories what the state did to them man mock excutions on 14 year old boys gang raping them this was police, army caregivers church people state officals who were suppose to help these kids. Man the inquiry has been posted on the news this past week and it makes my blood boil. NZ media has created a fake image of our country for outsiders. This place has many dark secrets Especially for all the men who went through that horrific shit.
I respect you man for at least recognizing and trying to take accountability because its fucking hard and actually requires courage to do so.
Fucking evil cunts are going to burn in hell 100% no movie is even close to the shit i once had done on me at school. Sadly i have heard the same things happen to other kids growing up in schools. Kids can be more fucking evil than adults man. But then you have to wonder if they are that evil what is going on at home for them to think that is totally acceptable.
One of my coping mechanisms has been to consume shit loads of drugs push everybody away from me and be totally lost in the drug haze living like a rock star. Anytime somebody tells me to stop even just smoking weed or harder drugs i cut them out of my life and use even more because i feel like shit getting judged and i dont want that type of judging people around me. Expect of course if they are part of my closest mates and know me well then i will taken into consideration what they have to say because if they are telling me to lay off drugs then i must be getting really bad.
Its hard to take accountability infact is till take no accountability for whatever actions i do and blame PTSD depression anxiety on everything bad i do because it is kind of true that those tramuas have me do everything i ever did. Thats why alot of people who were abused in state homes in NZ in the 1960s 1970s all the way to the 1990s created the gangs we have now because man hearing there stories what the state did to them man mock excutions on 14 year old boys gang raping them this was police, army caregivers church people state officals who were suppose to help these kids. Man the inquiry has been posted on the news this past week and it makes my blood boil. NZ media has created a fake image of our country for outsiders. This place has many dark secrets Especially for all the men who went through that horrific shit.
I respect you man for at least recognizing and trying to take accountability because its fucking hard and actually requires courage to do so.
I have had a number of trips like that in my time, and as intense as they are at the time, they are always so valuable and poignant afterwards. I hope this feeling stays with you for a long while. Take it all in and bask in the glow 
I'm so ahead of my time that my participation to this topic would only be legitimate if it was called:
I am a big animal lover as well, and I have been a veterinary nurse for 18 years so I truly appreciate the impact animals can have on our lives. My best friend's cat died 5 months ago and he is still suicidal over it. His cat was his whole world, it meant everything to him. Now he feels like he has no reason to live.