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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Venting I just hate being sober

I cannot speak for others but I know that in my case, it was only when I stopped that I began to notice just how freely available most things are. It seemed like eveywhere I went I would bump into people who wanted to use and I did manage to keep my friends AND to stop - but I think at that point, even friends who used had recognized that I had almost killed myself so much harm did I render to my own body.

I am also prepared to suggest that getting straight is the easy bit. It's recognizing that until you stop, your entire life revolves around obtaining your drug of choice. So many people stop and ask the very reasonable question 'what's the upside in my doing this?'

So I had taken the precaution of keeping a diary. It's now 25 years later and I still cannot read that diary. If tempted, I just open it at random and within a page, I am reminded of just how miserable I was.
 
4DQSAR said:
I am also prepared to suggest that getting straight is the easy bit. It's recognizing that until you stop, your entire life revolves around obtaining your drug of choice. So many people stop and ask the very reasonable question 'what's the upside in my doing this?'
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When your life revolves around how to get high is when you should start asking the question: "Why?"
Finding the answer to that might help prevent the downward spiral many find themselves on, with the question still unresolved.
 
4DQSAR said:
I cannot speak for others but I know that in my case, it was only when I stopped that I began to notice just how freely available most things are. It seemed like eveywhere I went I would bump into people who wanted to use and I did manage to keep my friends AND to stop - but I think at that point, even friends who used had recognized that I had almost killed myself so much harm did I render to my own body.

I am also prepared to suggest that getting straight is the easy bit. It's recognizing that until you stop, your entire life revolves around obtaining your drug of choice. So many people stop and ask the very reasonable question 'what's the upside in my doing this?'

So I had taken the precaution of keeping a diary. It's now 25 years later and I still cannot read that diary. If tempted, I just open it at random and within a page, I am reminded of just how miserable I was.
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You are on point -as always, and I appreciate it a lot that you still care 🙏🙏🙏
I used to keep a diary since I was 15 years old - until January this year. And even before that it had basically turned into a dose log 😒. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror - it's like I aged a decade within the last one year... There's no question whether I'm miserable or not, really. I can usually function on a day to day level but that's mainly it. Permanent survival mode in a way. And I'm losing grip on other things like my diary or the zillion other issues I should take care of... While there's always a new drug I could try... The more you look the more you find, right? 😮‍💨
 
paltatomate said:
When your life revolves around how to get high is when you should start asking the question: "Why?"
Finding the answer to that might help prevent the downward spiral many find themselves on, with the question still unresolved.
Click to expand...
Why is a tough one. I don't think there is any one size fits all answer by any means, but I don't think modern society and all its technological whiz bangs supports us functioning as the healthy animals we evolved to be.
 
paltatomate said:
When your life revolves around how to get high is when you should start asking the question: "Why?"
Finding the answer to that might help prevent the downward spiral many find themselves on, with the question still unresolved.
Click to expand...
I think I do know why... Or at least why I started. I just couldn't bear my situation anymore. Couldn't solve my problems for so many years I gave up eventually and was looking for something else I could get a bit of happiness from. Simple as that. Now things changed quite a bit and I'm still at a loss for what to do. So I just endure. Keep closing my eyes and try to survive the way I did before.. .
 
Mushoku_Sensei said:
I think I do know why... Or at least why I started. I just couldn't bear my situation anymore. Couldn't solve my problems for so many years I gave up eventually and was looking for something else I could get a bit of happiness from. Simple as that. Now things changed quite a bit and I'm still at a loss for what to do. So I just endure. Keep closing my eyes and try to survive the way I did before.. .
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It can take a while to adjust. Suddenly all that time to be filled. On the other hand, more money to spend.

If I wasn't disabled I would certainly take up swimming and maybe other physical activities.
 
4DQSAR said:
It can take a while to adjust. Suddenly all that time to be filled. On the other hand, more money to spend.

If I wasn't disabled I would certainly take up swimming and maybe other physical activities
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Oh. You mean if I get clean.... I was just going on about how nothing is settled yet 😅
... That's true then ofc...
 
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4DQSAR said:
It can take a while to adjust. Suddenly all that time to be filled. On the other hand, more money to spend.

If I wasn't disabled I would certainly take up swimming and maybe other physical activities.
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I have known a lot of people who use their disability as an excuse to not do something and do other things instead. There is certainly some physical activity you can do? Then maybe your grade of disability really gives you no option. Don't know your case, therefore I won't judge.

Back on topic, all that time to be filled and all that money to spend can't be the answer to being a happy sober person. Too much time on your hands can be your worst enemy, and money seldom is the answer to anything.
 
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paltatomate said:
I have known a lot of people who use their disability as an excuse to not do something and do other things instead. There is certainly some physical activity you can do? Then maybe your grade of disability really gives you no option. Don't know your case, therefore I won't judge.

Back on topic, all that time to be filled and all that money to spend can't be the answer to being a happy sober person. Too much time on your hands can be your worse enemy, and money seldom is the answer to anything.
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I could really use some extra time though 😭
 
paltatomate said:
what would you with that time?
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Actually enjoy a high for a change instead of always being busy. Being a single parent means there's not much private time available. Same reason I don't trip anymore lately.
JAnd ofc I could get more things done of the long list... Sports included
 
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LucidSDreamr said:
You think drugs are expensive?

Wait until the medical bills from all the damage drugs did to your body show up.


On a seperate note maybe you might resonate with the ideologies of antinatalism and elifism. I know I really did and I thought life was so stupid and pointless drugs were the only answer…and even drugs were stupid and pointless and there is no answer. Life is just stupid. These two philosophies I mentioned really delve into this concept and what we can do to contribute to this “problem”
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I would probably describe myself as an antinatalist. The other day I thought to myself as I was eating meat at dinner: “how many dead animals have I consumed in my lifetime for sustenance?” I saw a video on YouTube the other day of a falcon eating a hawk and was disturbed for a week or so afterwards. There was a good article I read online somewhere about how sick the concept is that you have to kill to live, in order to sustain what really? That alone should motivate anyone to look into the philosophy I think.

Aside from that, social isolation, probable brain damage from several anti psychotic injections among other things, unemployment, these type of things have added to it.
 
washingtonbound said:
I would probably describe myself as an antinatalist. The other day I thought to myself as I was eating meat at dinner: “how many dead animals have I consumed in my lifetime for sustenance?” I saw a video on YouTube the other day of a falcon eating a hawk and was disturbed for a week or so afterwards. There was a good article I read online somewhere about how sick the concept is that you have to kill to live, in order to sustain what really? That alone should motivate anyone to look into the philosophy I think.

Aside from that, social isolation, probable brain damage from several anti psychotic injections among other things, unemployment, these type of things have added to it.
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I’m reading a book right now called “conspiracy against the human race”. It’s got a lot of antinalist themes but focuses more on the meaninglessness of life and the lies we tell ourselves to cope

I know there’s a lot of vegans that are antinatalists and line up the ideologies. Personally I see killing an animal to eat it as the best thing you can do for it. A spear through a fishes head in its prime is much better than it slowly dying for weeks and getting eating alive slowly by smaller fish pecking at an open wound.

I’m basically euthanizing animals when I kill them for food and I think that is merciful to them.

Now farming, “creating life” just to sustain our life, I can see a case being made that that is immoral.

But we’re already here. Those factory farmed animals are going to be created no matter what. Once I’m born I’m here to damage and consume to sustain myself. It’s too late once we’re born and I don’t hold guilt for the things I’ve had to do to sustain myself once I’ve already been injected into this thresher of life.
 
Neuroborean said:
Now I totally feel like a junkie, kratom junkie,
Honestly I don't mind too much, I KNOW deep down in my heart that I can be kratom free because I was in the past and I've been kratom free for months and weeks during the last years, but the thing is, I feel BETTER while on kratom, mainly because my adhd and my diabetes type 1 it's such a weight on my well being, I get worse both in adhd (emotional disregulation) and my sugar levels tend to be less easy and less predictable when off kratom (specially during the withdrawals, which is terrible for cravings..)
I'm a junkie? yep but honestly, I've always been some sort of a junkie, drinking alcohol since 13 and smoking marihuana since 15 specially prone to be high during my college years. Self medication ? probably
Marihuana completely DESTROYED my chances of being a philosophy teacher in college, I know I'm very intelligent and capable to do it, even with my discipline issues because of adhd, but I could have done it, the thing is that I prefered to be high as much as possible, reading books (philosophy, originals) which made me more knowledgeable in terms of really knowing authors and their thoughts but... that means actually nothing as entering a department in a College has little to do with your knowledge and it's more about discipline and working on things you don't give a fuck about..
So well, for one reason or another I feel I NEED something to cope with my diseases and atm I didn't find anything better than kratom, it's not something that doesn't change you, it affects a lot of stuff, subtly, I would say... but I prefer that to being baked and useless or feeling like shit with alcohol, let alone the physical destruction of stims or the horrible effects of hardcore opioids,

I do also feel that being totally sober it's boring, I feel myself as a psychonaut, not actually a junkie overall, I just have that kratom dependency but my interest in drugs it's seeing how they can affect my mind, my thoughts, my emotion how can I evolve with them, specially psychedelics and ethnobotanicals, so at the end of it it's something that benefits my life more than it drains me, I think.
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Trust me brother you're pretty low on the junkie spectrum if it’s just those substances you’ve struggled with… junkie is a word which is usually used to refer to a low bottom IV user… and it isn’t meant to be a shot towards you or doubt your experience dealing with addiction issues- don’t take it as that. But to down talk yourself like that I don’t believe it will serve you
 
@washingtonbound & @LucidSDreamr : Have the two of you ever looked into Buddhist philosophy? I'm calling it that bc there's no creator in it and thus it's not even a religion in the classical sense.
The principle of not hurting others is known as Ahimsa btw., not only in Buddhism but in many other Indian teachings. It's at the heart of Jainism for example, a 'religion' that mainly focuses on staying clean from any such actions. ( There's Jain food available in most places in India btw., a real blessing for me as it's not only vegetarian but also contains neither onion nor garlic because they're considered disturbing the calm of the mind. That's also found in Japanese Buddhism btw. - another type of food I adore 😜).
There are thousands of Buddhist texts, a dozen of different sects and several levels of teachings. I took a 5(?) day course in a monastery in Nepal once and it was leaving a deep impression on me. You don't need that though as there are more than enough texts available in English. And while some of the more traditional texts are very hard to accept (almost biblical level), the basic philosophy is the most intellectually satisfying thing I ever came across.
There's a book called "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche, that's a great introduction for Westerners imho. (Don't mix it up with the Bardo Thödröl, the Book of the Dead). Impressed me a lot as well and there are some of my favorite quotes in it. I can only recommend it, it's definitely an interesting read...
 
LucidSDreamr said:
I’m reading a book right now called “conspiracy against the human race”. It’s got a lot of antinalist themes but focuses more on the meaninglessness of life and the lies we tell ourselves to cope

I know there’s a lot of vegans that are antinatalists and line up the ideologies. Personally I see killing an animal to eat it as the best thing you can do for it. A spear through a fishes head in its prime is much better than it slowly dying for weeks and getting eating alive slowly by smaller fish pecking at an open wound.

I’m basically euthanizing animals when I kill them for food and I think that is merciful to them.

Now farming, “creating life” just to sustain our life, I can see a case being made that that is immoral.

But we’re already here. Those factory farmed animals are going to be created no matter what. Once I’m born I’m here to damage and consume to sustain myself. It’s too late once we’re born and I don’t hold guilt for the things I’ve had to do to sustain myself once I’ve already been injected into this thresher of life.
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I don't think it's necessarily immoral to eat meat, as humans had to do so for thousands of years before civilization, especially in cold climates when plants froze over, there was no other option. It's more just the concept of having to constantly consume something to sustain yourself, when there isn't much of a point to sustaining yourself in the first place.

Also, as I get older, the more I realize how much I've been lied to, the whole school and work scam, how everyone is treated as a commodity, there just isn't much I see a point in engaging with nowadays at all. Especially now that it seems culture in general is deteriorating rapidly.
 
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