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Venting I just hate being sober

Now I totally feel like a junkie, kratom junkie,
Honestly I don't mind too much, I KNOW deep down in my heart that I can be kratom free because I was in the past and I've been kratom free for months and weeks during the last years, but the thing is, I feel BETTER while on kratom, mainly because my adhd and my diabetes type 1 it's such a weight on my well being, I get worse both in adhd (emotional disregulation) and my sugar levels tend to be less easy and less predictable when off kratom (specially during the withdrawals, which is terrible for cravings..)
I'm a junkie? yep but honestly, I've always been some sort of a junkie, drinking alcohol since 13 and smoking marihuana since 15 specially prone to be high during my college years. Self medication ? probably
Marihuana completely DESTROYED my chances of being a philosophy teacher in college, I know I'm very intelligent and capable to do it, even with my discipline issues because of adhd, but I could have done it, the thing is that I prefered to be high as much as possible, reading books (philosophy, originals) which made me more knowledgeable in terms of really knowing authors and their thoughts but... that means actually nothing as entering a department in a College has little to do with your knowledge and it's more about discipline and working on things you don't give a fuck about..
So well, for one reason or another I feel I NEED something to cope with my diseases and atm I didn't find anything better than kratom, it's not something that doesn't change you, it affects a lot of stuff, subtly, I would say... but I prefer that to being baked and useless or feeling like shit with alcohol, let alone the physical destruction of stims or the horrible effects of hardcore opioids,

I do also feel that being totally sober it's boring, I feel myself as a psychonaut, not actually a junkie overall, I just have that kratom dependency but my interest in drugs it's seeing how they can affect my mind, my thoughts, my emotion how can I evolve with them, specially psychedelics and ethnobotanicals, so at the end of it it's something that benefits my life more than it drains me, I think.
 
Oddly, while young I went through cannabis then the canon of stimulents and then entactogens. But then stuff happened and I 100% stuck to using things that essentially blotted out consciousness be it alcohol, benzodiazpeine, barbiturates, clomethiazole and of course opiates.

I had LEARNT that drugs could make good times better and presumed that they would equally make bad times better. That turned out to be wrong. If you are suffering, all any drug will do is move where and when you experience that suffering. Oh, and those drugs all charge a truly HUGE interest rate for offering their 'flexibile-agony plan'.
 
4DQSAR said:
Oddly, while young I went through cannabis then the canon of stimulents and then entactogens. But then stuff happened and I 100% stuck to using things that essentially blotted out consciousness be it alcohol, benzodiazpeine, barbiturates, clomethiazole and of course opiates.

I had LEARNT that drugs could make good times better and presumed that they would equally make bad times better. That turned out to be wrong. If you are suffering, all any drug will do is move where and when you experience that suffering. Oh, and those drugs all charge a truly HUGE interest rate for offering their 'flexibile-agony plan'.
Click to expand...
In my case I dislike everything that clouds conciousness, it's the thing I dislike the most of kratom. If it wasn't for the medicinal benefits and that energy plus I think I wouldn't use it, and I would use 10ug of lsd or something like that just for the productive and creative enhancement.
I'm not even sure if psychedelics are "drugs" as the other type of drugs, specially if used in rituals or microdosing.
EDIT: and yeah, drugs "move" that suffering to other time/space but sometimes is something that helps so much, for example, I think I would have gone totally crazy, when on the pandemic, living for 3 months in lockdown with a girl with BPD, in a very small home... I think kratom helped A LOT in that year. Am I paying the interest nowadays? probably, but at that moment, it was godsend.
 
HealingEnergy14 said:
You can try to take the edge off with Kava Kava or Amanita Muscaria.
Click to expand...
Now Kava is one of those that you don't get here ..
I still have some Amanita capsules. I stopped taking them because they only were yet another part of the mix 🙄. Sounds like I should stop using before taking them - I'll keep that in mind. 🙏
HealingEnergy14 said:
P.S.

I definitely understand your feelings with hating being sober. Had that feeling for most of my adult life and it has become especially pronounced after my Tramadol/O-DSMT addiction. Be careful with that stuff please!
Click to expand...
Oh no! 🫂... But thank you for the warning... I just crossed out O-DSMT from my wishlist... That's me thinking I'm taking something low risk 🙄, though it's probably better than the H I ordered...
And almost knocking myself out as soon as I came home 😒
... To think I was actually happy to get some of the HHC back, that I'd given away. 🤦 It's a great booster but also promoting opi nausea a lot for me..
-- Cursed be
The goddamn mixery! 😤

🙄
 
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Mushoku_Sensei said:
Now Kava is one of those that you don't get here ..
I still have some Amanita capsules. I stopped taking them because they only were yet another part of the mix 🙄. Sounds like I should stop using before taking them - I'll keep that in mind. 🙏

Oh no! 🫂... But thank you for the warning... I just crossed out O-DSMT from my wishlist... That's me thinking I'm taking something low risk 🙄, though it's probably better than the H I ordered...
And almost knocking myself out as soon as I came home 😒
... To think I was actually happy to get some of the HHC back, that I'd given away. 🤦 It's a great booster but also promoting opi nausea a lot for me..
-- Cursed be
The goddamn mixery! 😤

🙄
Click to expand...
wow man, I don't get how people like HHC, for me feels SUPER dirty, like, incredibly dirty and if it makes your brain retarded or something, it took 5 days to feel somewhat normal after using just once...
clearly not my thing., perhaps it was a bad vendor? no idea man, but I have some here and didn't use it since.
 
Neuroborean said:
wow man, I don't get how people like HHC, for me feels SUPER dirty, like, incredibly dirty and if it makes your brain retarded or something, it took 5 days to feel somewhat normal after using just once...
clearly not my thing., perhaps it was a bad vendor? no idea man, but I have some here and didn't use it since.
Click to expand...
Oh I don't like it either. But it makes the opis hit harder 🤷. So ideally it should blend in with that and not be felt too much on it's own. That's likely gonna work again when I use it for a while... But I DID have good reasons for giving it away...
So I'm finally getting better today - gotta remember being sick all the time if I should ever appreciate being clean 😅
 
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This may or may not be relevant, and i'm not an opioid user except for kratom.

But: If tramadol is considered as having a longer withdrawal than other opioids, that may be due to its atypical action as a monoamine reuptake inhibitor.
 
Neuroborean said:
Now I totally feel like a junkie, kratom junkie,
Honestly I don't mind too much, I KNOW deep down in my heart that I can be kratom free because I was in the past and I've been kratom free for months and weeks during the last years, but the thing is, I feel BETTER while on kratom, mainly because my adhd and my diabetes type 1 it's such a weight on my well being, I get worse both in adhd (emotional disregulation) and my sugar levels tend to be less easy and less predictable when off kratom (specially during the withdrawals, which is terrible for cravings..)
I'm a junkie? yep but honestly, I've always been some sort of a junkie, drinking alcohol since 13 and smoking marihuana since 15 specially prone to be high during my college years. Self medication ? probably
Marihuana completely DESTROYED my chances of being a philosophy teacher in college, I know I'm very intelligent and capable to do it, even with my discipline issues because of adhd, but I could have done it, the thing is that I prefered to be high as much as possible, reading books (philosophy, originals) which made me more knowledgeable in terms of really knowing authors and their thoughts but... that means actually nothing as entering a department in a College has little to do with your knowledge and it's more about discipline and working on things you don't give a fuck about..
So well, for one reason or another I feel I NEED something to cope with my diseases and atm I didn't find anything better than kratom, it's not something that doesn't change you, it affects a lot of stuff, subtly, I would say... but I prefer that to being baked and useless or feeling like shit with alcohol, let alone the physical destruction of stims or the horrible effects of hardcore opioids,

I do also feel that being totally sober it's boring, I feel myself as a psychonaut, not actually a junkie overall, I just have that kratom dependency but my interest in drugs it's seeing how they can affect my mind, my thoughts, my emotion how can I evolve with them, specially psychedelics and ethnobotanicals, so at the end of it it's something that benefits my life more than it drains me, I think.
Click to expand...

I feel you with that "fuck school" mentality in relation to intellectual pursuits. It is what it is. Some people prioritize intangible values, but those intangible values may correlate with subconscious maintenence of genuine mental presence.
 
4DQSAR said:
Oddly, while young I went through cannabis then the canon of stimulents and then entactogens. But then stuff happened and I 100% stuck to using things that essentially blotted out consciousness be it alcohol, benzodiazpeine, barbiturates, clomethiazole and of course opiates.

I had LEARNT that drugs could make good times better and presumed that they would equally make bad times better. That turned out to be wrong. If you are suffering, all any drug will do is move where and when you experience that suffering. Oh, and those drugs all charge a truly HUGE interest rate for offering their 'flexibile-agony plan'.
Click to expand...
I Re-started with psychedelics, since they have always been what fascinated me the most. The reason I ever got into drugs at all. But when I was young, they were pretty hard to get. So I tried Cannabis ofc, practiced smoking just to be able to hit the bong - and then didn't like it. Next were Heroin and Cocaine... And I liked only one of them.
Now I can easily get psychedelics but it's incredibly hard to make a proper time and setting for a trip. Many were spoiled. Then Ketamin, and back to the opis. Turns out I need the pacifying effects way more than great experiences 🙄 (never had any interest in entactogenes)
 
Mushoku_Sensei said:
I Re-started with psychedelics, since they have always been what fascinated me the most. The reason I ever got into drugs at all. But when I was young, they were pretty hard to get. So I tried Cannabis ofc, practiced smoking just to be able to hit the bong - and then didn't like it. Next were Heroin and Cocaine... And I liked only one of them.
Now I can easily get psychedelics but it's incredibly hard to make a proper time and setting for a trip. Many were spoiled. Then Ketamin, and back to the opis. Turns out I need the pacifying effects way more than great experiences 🙄 (never had any interest in entactogenes)
Click to expand...
try moxy, that's and interesting psychedelic entactogen....
 
Neuroborean said:
Now I totally feel like a junkie, kratom junkie,
Honestly I don't mind too much, I KNOW deep down in my heart that I can be kratom free because I was in the past and I've been kratom free for months and weeks during the last years, but the thing is, I feel BETTER while on kratom, mainly because my adhd and my diabetes type 1 it's such a weight on my well being, I get worse both in adhd (emotional disregulation) and my sugar levels tend to be less easy and less predictable when off kratom (specially during the withdrawals, which is terrible for cravings..)
I'm a junkie? yep but honestly, I've always been some sort of a junkie, drinking alcohol since 13 and smoking marihuana since 15 specially prone to be high during my college years. Self medication ? probably
Marihuana completely DESTROYED my chances of being a philosophy teacher in college, I know I'm very intelligent and capable to do it, even with my discipline issues because of adhd, but I could have done it, the thing is that I prefered to be high as much as possible, reading books (philosophy, originals) which made me more knowledgeable in terms of really knowing authors and their thoughts but... that means actually nothing as entering a department in a College has little to do with your knowledge and it's more about discipline and working on things you don't give a fuck about..
So well, for one reason or another I feel I NEED something to cope with my diseases and atm I didn't find anything better than kratom, it's not something that doesn't change you, it affects a lot of stuff, subtly, I would say... but I prefer that to being baked and useless or feeling like shit with alcohol, let alone the physical destruction of stims or the horrible effects of hardcore opioids,

I do also feel that being totally sober it's boring, I feel myself as a psychonaut, not actually a junkie overall, I just have that kratom dependency but my interest in drugs it's seeing how they can affect my mind, my thoughts, my emotion how can I evolve with them, specially psychedelics and ethnobotanicals, so at the end of it it's something that benefits my life more than it drains me, I think.
Click to expand...
Other than cannabis which I enjoy, I feel the same way about kratom. I'm using it pointlessly, it's been... almost 8 years daily, and can sometimes cost me down to my last dime. It did quite a few times, and is doing that to me now. I think I've blown more money on weed lately though... past year, yeah. But I used to get real desperate to make sure I always have had a huge amount of kratom on me. My last big bag I went through in what won't reach 3 months.

It had a lot of negatives for me at times early on in college. I ditched because of it, but I blame weed more for that. Just be chilling in my dorm all warm and cozy from kratom. I have ADHD as well and it can help focus me, though I feel a bit sedated regardless. I remember getting so desperate once around then that I bought some off Reddit that was a friend of some guy who'd just OD'd to death... fucks sake. And I bought my first massive bag of kratom from him for kinda cheap. Just the context of all that is fucked.

I do enjoy the effects it can give a lot still, but it can be really hit or miss for me lately.
 
Mushoku_Sensei said:
What's moxy and why would I use it? Beware that I've been tortured with ideas of unity and oneness for years and won't go anywhere near anything alike if you were to give me a hundred bugs...
Click to expand...
5-meo-mipt, very interesting in doses like 7-12mg, more than that it's quite psychedelic and it has a dark undertone for some people. Less than 10mg it's not usual to be deep enough for causing real trips.
 
Them Witches said:
It takes a long time for things to return to a somewhat normal brain function. Our brains do not forget the instant gradification of an easy reward system
Click to expand...
Right. EASY!! Practical af. Design your mood according to need. At best you can directly inject it. That's unforgettable... Never left my brain at all. There are limits you can break only once...🙄
 
Mushoku_Sensei said:
Right. EASY!! Practical af. Design your mood according to need. At best you can directly inject it. That's unforgettable... Never left my brain at all. There are limits you can break only once...🙄
Click to expand...
this will sound simple but it works :

create multiple "symbolic chairs" around the house or outside. when bad thoughts enter the brain immediately acknowledge them and say hello to them.

then take the thoughts to "the chairs" and sit them down. immediately speak to one's self with positive thoughts to re-program the brain.

if we tell ourselves bad things, that is what the brain reminds us of constantly.

one practice it to repeat over and over " I am safe. I am safe, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe...."
 
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