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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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My previous response to VE reminded me of something I've been meaning to jot down for this journal.

I've been having really unnerving fantasies about using recently. The freakiest of them involves the idea of seeking a divorce from my wife so I can be alone and go back to shooting H. I'm fully aware that this idea is terrible...I love my wife intensely and want to be with her with every fiber of my being except that one. And I know that the fun of using would go away quickly. But nevertheless, the fantasy haunts me often.

There are other fantasies too. But they're all in the same vein as this one.

Like many daydreams, this has some basis in fact. My wife remains hurt and angry about the raft of lies I sold her when I was using. The truth is that while I understand those feelings, they sting. (I'm trying as hard as I can to do right by her. And it just breaks me when--if I bring up anything but cherries about my recovery--she goes into tough love mode.) So part of the fantasy boils down to me saying to myself, "you're gonna break her heart eventually anyway, and furthermore, fuck her for judging me...might as well bail now." But in reality, I know that what's really going on is that I'm trying to find an opening so I can use again.

There are two aspects of this type of thinking that especially freak me out.

First, it's amazing and scary to me how compelling these thoughts are. They are SO out of touch with reality. And obviously my desire to use is still really strong. God, I just wish I could get some rest from the constant angling for ways to get high.

Second, this kind of thinking makes me wonder WHY I'm going through all this trouble (i.e. quitting dope) to begin with. It makes me feel like I'm doing it for my wife. (Other fantasies focus on other people in my support network.) I feel like if all this effort is going to lead towards long-term abstinence and genuine personal change, I need to want to clean up for myself, not b/c other people are coercing me to.

Sometimes I do feel self motivated. But what I've noticed is that when my mood and/or energy levels get low, it's weird thinking like this that creeps up. Maybe it's a sign of progress. The truth is, until recently, my thoughts were much more literal--focusing on scoring and using NOW. So perhaps this kind of "second order craving" is actually a sign that my habits of thought are changing. I guess that would be nice. But I really don't like thinking this way. Makes me feel like I'm going to do something damaging and stupid.
 
Sim, I get them thoughts i was on oxy for over 20 years everyday so especially after arguments with my wife my mind steam rolls with thoughts like fuck this i was better off on oxy and in someways i was with sleep and other bullshit but then reality hits me and i realize im full of shit and fuck anybody else trying to bring me down im on this new fucking voyage to the end for me!. Im not bullshitting nobody im no saint i'll do whatever drugs or alcohol in moderation i need to keep me happy and sane but not or never the fucking one that follows me around all fucking day and im wrecked without it. So hang in there sim and do what you have to do to keep that monkey off your back the one that wrecks ya!. Keep at it man for you!
 
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simco said:
My previous response to VE reminded me of something I've been meaning to jot down for this journal.

I've been having really unnerving fantasies about using recently. The freakiest of them involves the idea of seeking a divorce from my wife so I can be alone and go back to shooting H. I'm fully aware that this idea is terrible...I love my wife intensely and want to be with her with every fiber of my being except that one. And I know that the fun of using would go away quickly. But nevertheless, the fantasy haunts me often.

There are other fantasies too. But they're all in the same vein as this one.

Like many daydreams, this has some basis in fact. My wife remains hurt and angry about the raft of lies I sold her when I was using. The truth is that while I understand those feelings, they sting. (I'm trying as hard as I can to do right by her. And it just breaks me when--if I bring up anything but cherries about my recovery--she goes into tough love mode.) So part of the fantasy boils down to me saying to myself, "you're gonna break her heart eventually anyway, and furthermore, fuck her for judging me...might as well bail now." But in reality, I know that what's really going on is that I'm trying to find an opening so I can use again.

There are two aspects of this type of thinking that especially freak me out.

First, it's amazing and scary to me how compelling these thoughts are. They are SO out of touch with reality. And obviously my desire to use is still really strong. God, I just wish I could get some rest from the constant angling for ways to get high.

Second, this kind of thinking makes me wonder WHY I'm going through all this trouble (i.e. quitting dope) to begin with. It makes me feel like I'm doing it for my wife. (Other fantasies focus on other people in my support network.) I feel like if all this effort is going to lead towards long-term abstinence and genuine personal change, I need to want to clean up for myself, not b/c other people are coercing me to.

Sometimes I do feel self motivated. But what I've noticed is that when my mood and/or energy levels get low, it's weird thinking like this that creeps up. Maybe it's a sign of progress. The truth is, until recently, my thoughts were much more literal--focusing on scoring and using NOW. So perhaps this kind of "second order craving" is actually a sign that my habits of thought are changing. I guess that would be nice. But I really don't like thinking this way. Makes me feel like I'm going to do something damaging and stupid.
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You've got such a wonderful head on your shoulders sim. First, IME the best, worst way to get rid of such fantasies is to realize them. Realize their true beauty, and the depths of their real terror and misery.

You already know what it will be life, how it will feel, if you were to realize any one of these fantasies. In a word: Loneliness among hungry ghosts.

So, it doesn't really make sense entertaining them to see where they'll lead either, as you already know it all too well (or else why would be trying to move on with your life to begin with?).

The best you can do is just sit with your fantasy. Don't let them move you into acting them out, rather let them move through you and work themselves out. Your fantasies will resolve if you give them time. Some take more time than others too, but they will resolve.

You're at a point were you'd REALLY benefit from a mindfulness practice :) (seriously)
 
TPD, I totally believe you...some kind of mindfulness work seems like a really good idea. I tried reading "Full-Catastrophe Living," but found it a bit daunting. Any recommendations on gentler avenues into the field?
 
Two hours from now I'll be at the doctor's office getting my first vivitrol shot. Feeling nervous (and a little excited) about it. I'm not very worried about getting jabbed in the ass. It's more like a sense of claustrophobia...having that amount of any drug in my system and trusting the time-release mechanism to keep things on track. I think some of it goes back to when I initiated my oral naltrexone 3 months ago and put myself into precipitated WDs. Rationally, I don't expect anything like that to happen today. But I can tell that this has the wheels running in my head.

I'll post again later after getting the shot.
 
simco said:
TPD, I totally believe you...some kind of mindfulness work seems like a really good idea. I tried reading "Full-Catastrophe Living," but found it a bit daunting. Any recommendations on gentler avenues into the field?
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Get Tara Brach's book, Radical Acceptance, Diana Winston's Fully Present and Jack Kornfield's A Path with a Heart (in this order, or perhaps start with Fully Present if you want a good easy to read overview of the whole thing). That is a fantastic place to start.

Considering it's like half a foot thick, Jon's book is a rather horrid place to begin. I have literally used it as a doorstop, though I prefer Mahasi Sayadaw's Manual of Insight in terms of door stopping power ;)

You can't really "get" mindfulness out of a book though, it's all about practicing it yourself and listening to guided meditations. But the books definitely help spark interest and help expand out understand of the material we work with in practice. Just as a disclaimer :)
 
Getting the vivitrol shot was super easy. My ass is a bit sore today, but it's fine.

Only weird thing... I doubt this really has to do with the vivitrol (I imagine the timing is coincidental), but I feel all fucked up emotionally today. I'm all weepy afraid-feeling. But honestly, I've been feeling this coming on for a while. I think it's just my old familiar depressive shit.

I can say that a kind of mental security blanket did come down on me over the course of yesterday, after getting the shot. For the first few hours I caught myself wondering if I could use super fast before the full blockade of the vivitrol hit. But those thoughts were easy enough to shunt off to the side. During the day, I had an increasingly strong feeling of being insulated from the kind of compulsion that typically gets me going, relapse-wise. Somehow it's a big deal for me, psychologically, to know opioids won't be effective for now. Forces me to find another way to muddle through the day.

Maybe I just explained why I feel emotional today... I think lability and tension probably go hand in hand with getting further cut off from my main crutch.
 
It's time for me to try to put into action whatever I think I learned during my past relapses... Over the past few days I've been feeling things, saying things, and doing things that have in the past been precursors to using.
  • I've been resenting my friends and family who have my back (n.b. my post from a few days ago about tensions at home).
  • I've been daydreaming about ways to cheat on my naltrexone (hence the vivitrol shot).
  • I've been emotionally volatile.
  • I've been annoyed by going to NA meetings (obviously NA meetings are sometimes just annoying...but I often find something of value there, and rarely feel the kind of negativity I've been feeling recently).
  • I've fantasized about scoring drugs other than heroin (anything I could get my hands on feels like it would do the trick)

In the past I vowed to learn from previous mistakes. And here I am, with a bunch of big red flags in front of me. Time to get real fucking serious about steering things in a positive direction.

I guess I'll start by heading out for a walk in the forest with my dog this morning. It's cold as fuck here, but I think that will help.

I'm gonna call a few recovery friends who DON'T irritate me.

I'm gonna try to take care of some business. Between arranging my mom's memorial and being back at work, my stress level is climbing. Maybe I can know a couple things off my to-do list...that often helps reduce stress for me.

Keeping a close eye on this.
 
My mind state I'd very similar to yours sim. I really don't have much to add as I'm working. But I'm thinking of ya man.
 
Hang in there Simco! it must be in the air today i called out of work ive been feeling like shit. I stopped doing lyrica & xans 4 days ago i dont think i have wd symptoms but the nerves in my feet are killing me without lyrica. And i dont know if thats depressing me or i actually feel a little gaba wd either way this sucks, its fucking friday and it feels like tuesday i gotta start gettin in a better way shit is in my head some i have no craving for ops but my gaba side craves maybe i should wait till im futher in paws before i go without lyrica especially. Its fucking cold here too today looks like winter coming now for real!.
 
the last dose said:
Hang in there Simco! it must be in the air today i called out of work ive been feeling like shit. I stopped doing lyrica & xans 4 days ago i dont think i have wd symptoms but the nerves in my feet are killing me without lyrica. And i dont know if thats depressing me or i actually feel a little gaba wd either way this sucks, its fucking friday and it feels like tuesday i gotta start gettin in a better way shit is in my head some i have no craving for ops but my gaba side craves maybe i should wait till im futher in paws before i go without lyrica especially. Its fucking cold here too today looks like winter coming now for real!.
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It's cold as a witch's tit here, too. And for some reason, the lone symptom from my last WD that's still standing is my inability to stay warm. Brrr.
 
Stay strong Sim, good on you for calling out the warning signs. I've been battling them on the daily, good luck with vivitriol, I think it's a great option.
 
Thanks, kickit. So far the vivitrol seems completely benign to me. And it has slowed down some of my hectic, hypothetical drug fantasies. (At least I think it's the viv...trouble with recovery--it's so hard to identify WHY anything good or bad is happening.)
 
Good job Sim. Its cold as fuck here too in Exton, Pa. I admire you- and you should know that. Many of us at BL do clearly I know we'd be friends if in same NA group. Vivatrol is a great idea and its proof you're mind and heart are truly aligned w being clean more than not. You wouldn't have ever gotten it if that wasn't true. Huge hug, high-five or whatever wouldn't annoy you lol.

My headspace isnt good today-You articulated how I feel well- teary afraid-feeling. Thinking of everyone. Love you guys. It
 
simco said:
It's cold as a witch's tit here, too. And for some reason, the lone symptom from my last WD that's still standing is my inability to stay warm. Brrr.
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Simster!

That is my last symptom, too. I'm starting to think that this is just what sober feels like - a deep, deep, cold that never leaves. I'm probably being overly dramatic about it, but that's how it feels. Do you have a heating blanket? Mine is a life saver. It's the only time I feel warm when I'm not in my car or in the shower.

As 10 years said, I think we would all be great friends if we found ourselves in an NA meeting together - for some reason, the thought of that is very comforting for me. I wish I was able to post more, especially lately. SL is the place where I feel the least isolated. Not participating as much as I would like to is having a surprisingly negative effect on my attitude towards recovery. I need to do much better at prioritizing my well-being.

You mentioned that you didn't celebrate your 90 days - I totally get what you mean about loved ones not really wanting to talk about it, much less celebrate it. Have you considered taking your wife somewhere for the weekend and making it about celebrating your new life with her? It might score you some brownie points - and it sounds like you both could use something positive right now! Just a thought.

Keep on keeping on, Sim. I'm here with you the whole way.

- VE
 
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