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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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It lasted a long time for me, and I still feel that way a great deal of the time. It gets easier. <3
 
Sim, who'd have thought it could get harder then the first 30 days.. Huh. I figured it can't get worse then withdrawal.... But I still had much hope during that time. Pink cloud thing I guess..

Shit, I'd take any cloud right now.... Pink, white, brown, blue..... Hydro... Lol

I'm just being a whiner... Fuck addiction! I got this....... Till tomorrow? cause I won't fucking use today.

I hope you stick it out brother. One more week with me... And will re reevaluate. Ya game?
 
Thanks, Sixx...yeah, I'm still with you. I really do appreciate the encouragement.

[Just spent 15 minutes starting, erasing and re-starting this paragraph] I just feel so fucking bottled up, tightly wound, tied in knots...pick your metaphor. I have trouble speaking a lot of the time. Not b/c I feel impaired. It's more like a combination of social anxiety and apathy. In everything I do these days, I feel like I should wear a t-shirt that reads, "why bother?" or "what's the fucking point?" A few ways this has come out recently...I lock myself away in my studio at home so I don't have to talk to my wife. I keep my phone turned off. I haven't shared at an NA meeting for several weeks. I keep cancelling rehearsals with my band.

But it's not just fear/reluctance to talk. It pervades everything. A lot of my old behaviors from way before I started using have been hitting me hard. I know eating disorders are rare among men, but I'm back to my old game of starving myself. Yesterday I ate a bagel and a lot of tea, for instance. (Honestly, the stims were largely attractive b/c they helped me skip meals.) Also rare for men--I'm back to slicing myself up. Not doing it a lot b/c my wife will freak out if she sees the cuts, but I do it, nevertheless.

As I write this down, it's becoming pretty clear that I'm getting more depressed than I've been recently . Maybe it's a delayed response to my mom dying, though it really doesn't feel like that.

The thing that scares me with the depression is that I feel like I've all but exhausted my options for treating it. For months, I've been trying to find a doctor who would be willing to at least consider me as a candidate for ECT--that's about the only treatment I haven't tried. For fuck's sake, I started seeing this new clown of a shrink recently. He's the guy in my tiny town who you've gotta go through if you want ECT here. He told me that ECT is only indicated for "treatment-resistant" depression. I told him, that's exactly what I have. So he asked me to make a list of the psych meds I've been Rx'ed. I responded with this list (or one very similar to it):
  • zoloft
  • celexa
  • paxil
  • prozac
  • welbutrin
  • remeron
  • clonazepam
  • xanax
  • gabapentin
  • lithium
  • zyprexa
  • seroquel
  • depakote
  • lamictal
  • hydroxazine
  • trazodone
He looked at the list and said no to the ECT. He won't consider it. What the fuck? Of course, I don't know why I've got such a hard-on for ECT. I've heard great stories. But I've also heard it's unhelpful for many patients.

I suppose a lot of what I'm feeling comes down to a pretty simple dynamic. As I've gotten older, the depression has worsened. Heroin gave me at least the perception that I hated myself less than I usually do. Now that I've taken heroin out of the equation, the depression is louder and meaner than before.

I know it doesn't seem this way, but I'm really not fishing for sympathy here. I'm just making a bona fide attempt to open up, hoping that might be therapeutic.

I'm just back in that same old place where nothing seems to matter and life has no meaning. I drive wedges between me and people who could prove me wrong. I feel like I'm just killing time till eventually I leave for good.

(PS, I'm not planning to leave for good any time soon, so please don't consider this an announcement that I'm getting ready to blow my head off.)
 
Hey simco, sorry you're not feeling so well lately, hopefully there's some relief in getting all those thoughts and feelings down here. Remember that there's no "cure" for depression, per se, but there are things that can make it more tolerable or manageable. Can you be with anyone or go anywhere that will help get you out of the depressive thought patterns? If you don't feel like being around anyone, is there someone you can call to just shoot the breeze with? Otherwise, maybe writing or playing music will get you out of the funk and back into a positive mindset.

Stay strong and let us know how you're doing <3
 
A lot of what you mentioned sim, from the struggles to maintain a healthy diet to the self harm is extremely common among those in recovery, particular on the earlier side - men no less than women. What you're experiencing, given all you've been going through recently with the death of a loved one and the loss of your primary coping mechanism (opioids), is very, very normal. Shitty, yes, but hardly abnormal.

Doing super simple things, like forcing yourself to eat three times a day - it doesn't matter what, just pick something you love to eat, like a smoothie, ice cream/milkshake, burger, whatever floats your boat. You can work on improving the quality of your diet later on, as it's pretty easy to supplement tasty less than healthy nourishment for healthier but still super tasty nourishment. What do you "normally" love to eat?

Do you have a psychologist and psychiatrist you can work on your depression with? I take it your already have a psychiatrist, so perhaps you can start taking an antidepressant (again - every little bit helps, and our bodies change after withdrawal, so after a few weeks on something like bupropion you might noticed a different effect than last time you tried it).

How much exercise are you able to get these days sim? I know forcing one's self to do anything, let alone movement, when depressed seems near impossible at times. But forcing yourself to get outside for a walk, even if just a couple times a week (and have it lead somewhere where you can get yourself a little reward, like to the local coffee shop, grocery or restaurant) will make a difference. Especially if it involves you nature - I think you already know how passionate I am about this nature bath thing ;)

Things will improve sim. They fucking such right now, granted, but life has a way of changing. Any small, little bits of progress you can make to help yourself continue moving in positive directions in your recovery, whether that is taking an antidepressant, eating three times a day or going for the occasional walk, doesn't matter. No matter how large or small, a step in the direction of a mentally and physically healthier you is a step in progress and a step in the right direction. You're already making progress you know, by simply maintaining abstinence. This is hardly enough on it's own, I know, but even this is you working on yourself to become healthier.

What are your sleep patterns like these days? Forcing one's self to maintain a regular sleep schedule of not too much sleep (so say no more than 8hrs a day, perhaps with a siesta in the afternoon) can also help alleviate depression. When I tend to get depressed I find myself sleeping way to much, which makes it more difficult to get stuff done or feel motivated compared to when I start the day off right at the right time. This may not be an issue for you, but our sleep habits have a significant effect on our mental health, so something worth reflecting on.

And honesty, who knows. Perhaps you will eventually come to decide complete abstinence isn't working out right now, and choose to go on a six month low dose course of buprenorphine to help manage your depression. It more enlightened places it is, at low doses, prescribed as quite the effective medication for severe depression. By mentioning this, I'm just trying to highlight that the end goal isn't abstinence per se, it is living a healthy, meaningful life - one that means something worthwhile to you - and at the end of the day, most of all you.

Keep you head up brother!
 
Damn, TPD--you made me all weepy. :) Seriously, though, thanks so much for your post! A few answers to your questions...

* What do you "normally" love to eat?

Interesting. It's been so long since I associated food with pleasure that it took me a while to think of a reply. But I gotta say, I do love me some classic 'merican garbage food...a good cheeseburger, pizza (OK, not exactly American but still), ice cream. I love Thai and Mexican cuisine, but living out in the provinces, those are reserved for trips to the big city (damn I miss living in CA). When I'm feeling more like myself, I enjoy cooking. But right now, that's a bit daunting. One interesting thing...I'm not a vegetarian, but on a day to day basis, I rarely eat meat--I have very conflicted feelings about it, but that's another story. Recently, however, I have had a few cravings for rare, barely-dead steak. Gotta admit, those were delicious and easy to cook.

* Do you have a psychologist and psychiatrist you can work on your depression with? I take it your already have a psychiatrist, so perhaps you can start taking an antidepressant (again - every little bit helps, and our bodies change after withdrawal, so after a few weeks on something like bupropion you might noticed a different effect than last time you tried it).

I had a falling out with my psychiatrist, who was also my therapist, back in July. Since then, I've been trying to find a doc who can at least prescribe my antidepressants. I'm working with a guy now who seems competent on the med management. He supplemented my zoloft/clonazepam/trazodone cocktail with the mood stabilizer Lamictal (lamotrigine). I've been on Lamictal before...never noticed that it did much. But as you point out, this time might be different...I'm in the early stages of titrating up on that. I gotta admit, although I don't feel like visiting a therapist these days, it really might be a good idea to try again.

* How much exercise are you able to get these days sim?

For a while there I was doing pretty well, going to exercise classes several times weekly. But I think that was over-ambitious...at this point, I take my dog for at least one longish (like 40 mins) walk daily. But he (my dog) is one lazy motherfucker, so the walks are slooooow. My wife has a bunch of yoga DVDs...I keep thinking I ought to try a couple of those. I KNOW that exercise really does help my mood. It's a must.

* What are your sleep patterns like these days?

Really off-kilter. I go back and forth between insomnia (I fall asleep easily but wake up a couple hours later and can't return to sleep) and too much sleep (~10 hours at night plus a lot of lying in bed during the day). This is one of the surest signs to me that things are amiss. I will admit that I'm pleased with my last two days--I really want to stay in bed, but I forced myself up after 8 hours of sleep yesterday and today.

* And honesty, who knows. Perhaps you will eventually come to decide complete abstinence isn't working out right now, and choose to go on a six month low dose course of buprenorphine....

I've considered exactly that recently. I discussed it with my doc when I went for my vivitrol shot recently. My main reticence there is that I spent about five months in an ORT program (bupe) and never found it very helpful...I continued to use throughout it. But again, this time could be different. There's also methadone. But I'm honestly a bit spooked by that idea. I know it can be helpful. But our local clinics are pretty unscrupulous.

Honestly, though, sitting down right now and replying to your questions really brought my mood up. I really think that sustained, meaningful social distractions from drug rumination has a lot of promise for me. It's one of the reasons I've been depending on BL so heavily these days. :)

Thanks again, man. You're a lifesaver.
 
Just thought I'd post a brief status update. This week has actually been pretty good. A lot of that bottled up emotion I kvetched about last week is much lighter now. The usual cravings are there, but they're manageable.

I'm sure the pendulum will swing back at some point, and I'll feel low again. But I wanted to get down 'on paper' that at this point in my recovery sometimes things seem OK. I'm super relieved to be able to say that.
 
A good week is great news brotha!! I do know what you mean about the pendulum swinging back! I get bad a week then a good one, i'll go all week smoking just weed nothing else and decent sleep then the next week shitty sleep with some aniety and depression and need some benzos or lyrica. I guess we should be happy for the good weeks!:\
 
Thanks, TLD. Thank god for weed, no? Earlier in recovery I wondered if using it was counterproductive, but I've come to think the pot helps relieve some of the impulses to use dope. Not very scientific, but I do think it's true, at least for me.
 
Sim!!!!

Much love. I see you are struggling and, believe me, I know all about that at this point. I feel like the last year has been a pretty big ball of unhappy struggling. But each and every day you are healing.

I'm parked on the side of the road and have another meeting in 8 minutes, so I gotta run. But I'm thinking about you and absolutely will be updating my thread soon. I have been avoiding it for awhile now, and it's time (thanks for the gentle pushing, TPD).

I am sending you my good vibes for the day. It may take an hour or two to get there - but they are coming.

- VE
 
Man, I wish I could come over and cook you some food sim :) I'm really glad you were able to work through some of those difficult emotions by writing all that out <3

Keep up the great work! You're continuing to work through the bad and get to the good. As you have pointed out, it is very cyclical. Such is life ;) Pretty cool you're getting a chance to live again though, even if it's a struggle sometimes?

A lot of ex-opioid users consume cannabis in early recovery in one way shape or form. It's far from abnormal. Not required, but not something that will necessarily cause one problems either. It all depends on the individual when it comes one's abilities using any substance in healthier ways, as you so well know by this point.
 
toothpastedog said:
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You're continuing to work through the bad and get to the good. As you have pointed out, it is very cyclical. Such is life ;) Pretty cool you're getting a chance to live again though, even if it's a struggle sometimes?
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Absolutely. It is nice to feel stuff again, even if a lot of it is uncomfortable.

I've still been working on my mom's eulogy, and I'll be delivering it at her memorial next weekend. Planning the memorial, writing the eulogy...it's all been stressful and sad. But I feel proud that I've been able to put it together, to do what needs to be done. I haven't felt proud about much of anything for years.

Note to self, though... I do need to watch out for emotional blowback after the memorial (and scattering her ashes) is over. I often find that my really tough times come *after* a big stressor. When I get back home and everything I need to do for my mom is over, I think it's highly likely that I'll need to be extra resilient for a while.
 
simco said:
Absolutely. It is nice to feel stuff again, even if a lot of it is uncomfortable.

I've still been working on my mom's eulogy, and I'll be delivering it at her memorial next weekend. Planning the memorial, writing the eulogy...it's all been stressful and sad. But I feel proud that I've been able to put it together, to do what needs to be done. I haven't felt proud about much of anything for years.

Note to self, though... I do need to watch out for emotional blowback after the memorial (and scattering her ashes) is over. I often find that my really tough times come *after* a big stressor. When I get back home and everything I need to do for my mom is over, I think it's highly likely that I'll need to be extra resilient for a while.
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I think that being present to honor a loved one during the ache of loss is one of the most sacred times in a person's life. What you are doing (and feeling) is the apex of human connection. Human love has loss written into it from the very beginning and the more love you create with that person, the bigger the loss will be. It is good to honor that love.

Your "note to self" is indeed very important. Death will keep throwing more deaths at you. It is not the single cataclysmic slamming of the door that it was originally. It has many layers. If you know that in advance it can help but really the best thing is to constantly "be where you are when you are there". Our culture tries to hurry us through to some mythical place of "closure". People around us want us to "heal" because sadness and grief are uncomfortable. Just know that everything you feel--from anger to loneliness to irreverent humor to the fullness of grief--is an honor to the relationship that was between you and your mother; and that it will morph and change without any hurrying needed. There is nothing more empowering than learning that you are capable of sitting with uncomfortable emotions with the knowledge that they will not define you but rather they will come and go and be only another essential part of you.

If you feel like sharing your eulogy, I hope you will. <3
 
Thanks, herbavore. You're absolutely right...my mom's death has felt like 'the apex of human connection.' She had been so sick for so long, now that she's gone, the emotion is less complex and fraught than it had been. Of course it's still complex in certain ways. But at least now, I feel free to grieve as *I* need to. Hard to explain. But it's quite lovely in its own way. I hope to post the eulogy, though right now it needs a lot of work! :\
 
Good Luck Sim! im sure your eulogy for your mother will be heartful and beautiful!. best brotha!
 
I'm back from my mom's funeral, and am feeling relieved that it's done (and a little hollowed out from the emotional stuff).

I'm also feeling happy because today marks 4 months since I got off heroin. :D
 
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