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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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simco said:
I did have an event happen the other day that I want to jot down, especially in the context of the ongoing post-mortem of my recent lapse/relapse.

On Friday I was buying weed from a guy a met through rehab (I know, those damn rehab/NA connections!). I don't usually go through him, but he had some interesting stuff, so I went over to grab some. While we were going through the motions, he mentioned that he had some total fire H, and how much did I want?

The interesting part was how easy it was to decline. I had my usual Pavlovian response of salivating and sweating when I saw it and smelled it. But somehow I just walked away.

I credit some of this to a change in my thinking due to some excellent posts I've read recently on SL. Instead of simply thinking of this project as an attempt to quit narcotics, I've started thinking of it--at least in the short-term--more medically. I've realized that genuine change for the better is only gonna happen if I give my brain a chance to change the pathways that I've ingrained in it over years of using. I'm realizing that lapsing would be like prodding a wound I'm trying to heal, or knocking on a broken bone as it sets.

Somehow, the mental switch from the very abstract idea of "quitting" (with all its baggage about the future, and it's flabby impact on the here-and-now), to a mindset of trying to heal a damaged (physical) part of me, seems to make a difference in how my priorities and impulses fall out.

Anyway, I sure was glad that I got the fuck out of there without a major problem.
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You're an inspiration to me Sim. My hands got sweaty just reading your story. The smell even? Ugh. What a damn trooper! Keep those filthy opiate pathways withering a quick death mate.
Have you considered cutting that guy out of your life? You don't need guys like that around no matter how good the weed is. Just some food for thought. There's other people to buy some smoke from I'm sure.
 
Typing on my phone while waiting for my appt with yet another shrink. Not feeling good today. Up most of last night. Short-tempered and cynical today. Really wishing I didn't have to be here, but I'm trying to pursue getting ECT, and in my shit town, this guy is the only person who can oblige. Gets so old telling strangers your shit over and over.
I gotta get a rein on the negativity tho...I know this feeling and if I run with it, I start making bad decisions.
 
Sim -

I am sorry that you had a shitty day. I did too. I'm right there with you. I'm exhausted in a physically painful way and am laying down. Catching up here on sober living. I've been too busy to post because I'm working too fucking much. But I wanted you to know I'm here and reading. I don't know about you, but I feel like it's taking every bit of energy I have just to live life right now.

Much love and support - sorry I don't have more to offer.

- VE
 
Sim, VE, thinking of you both! To beat to comment much but you guys are in my thoughts.
 
Today is my first full day back at work after a four-month medical leave (my stint in the psych hospital followed by rehab, etc.). My welcome back gift??? An 8-hour "retreat". Yay :\

I wish I had prepped myself for the reintegration more. But the last couple weeks were hectic enough that I'm pretty much improvising.
 
simco said:
Today is my first full day back at work after a four-month medical leave (my stint in the psych hospital followed by rehab, etc.). My welcome back gift??? An 8-hour "retreat". Yay :\

I wish I had prepped myself for the reintegration more. But the last couple weeks were hectic enough that I'm pretty much improvising.
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Simco trust me bro it will work in your favor you need as many distractions as you can get cant believe im gonna say this i was happy to be back at work. The first day i looked at the clock at 8:30 in the morning thinking for a second i need to take my dose holy shit that was weird but its good to get out. good luck
 
Hey Sim, I hope you find the same thing I did, that you're suddenly way better at your job off the junk. I actually feared I'd be shit at my job without using. It's one of the things really encouraging me to be clean.
 
Sim -

Congrats on making it through your first week back!! How was it and how are you feeling? for me, work can be a huge struggle. Mostly because that is where I feel like I've relied more on my "crutch." It was harder for me to get my feet under me there than at home. But once you get a few days/weeks of doing it without the opiates - it starts to not feel so strange. I hope they go easy on you at first and you don't have to work too much. Make sure to take care of yourself!

What are your plans for the long weekend?

- VE
 
Thanks, everyone, for asking about my first days back at work. It's so wonderful to log onto BL and get reminded that I'm not alone in all this.

TBH, the return to work was kinda rough. It wasn't awful. But it did leave me feeling a bit beat up. I don't think I explained much about how my job is implicated in my drug use, so here goes a bit more journaling...

I used to find my job rewarding. I've been at it for 13 years now. And it afforded me a level of autonomy and creativity that was pretty great. Unfortunately, about five years ago, my own creativity just evaporated, as a major depressive episode overtook me. I stopped caring about my job, and soon I resented it and the bullshit and the people associated with it. About a year into this slide is when I started using heroin. A relationship between hating my job and doing dope quickly sprung up.

The more depressed I got, the more I hated my job. The more I hated my job, the more I wanted to use drugs to blot out reality. And as my life got smaller and more insular, I got more depressed. This cycle just revved up and got worse and worse over the course of my addiction.

I finally took a medical leave from work about 5 months ago. Part of that was due to my suicide attempts and the ensuing hospitalization, followed by rehab. But it was also necessary bc I just couldn't face the job any more. It was this 5 month medical leave that I came back from this week.

When I got back this week, nothing terrible happened. In fact, all my co-workers acted like nothing had gone down, which was fine with me. But even as I parked my car and came into the office, that same old icky feeling crept right back over me. Just a nasty loathing (mostly self-loathing) sensation, and an urgent desire to get the fuck away from that place. I didn't think I was gonna be back in love with my job or anything. But I was taken aback by how immediately I returned to the emotional ugliness.

The truth is, I have (almost) decided that I need to move on and find another gig. I've been at this job so long, it's been hard to admit that to myself. And I don't want to make any rash decisions, especially early on in recovery. I'm going to go through to motions for at least a couple months, just to make sure there's nothing to salvage. But I think the likely outcome is that I'll quit soon and move on to a new chapter in my life. I do want to stress, I'm not making this decision in light of two bad days back at work... I had made this conclusion quite a while ago. My hope in going back was simply that it would be a convenient way to add some needed structure to my days, and hopefully that can indeed be the case. But looking a bit farther into the future, I think I gotta get the hell out of there.
 
:) Hey Sim...I can see where a fresh start would be beneficial. It sounds like your workplace could lead back into an emotional ditch. You've made great progress, so I feel confident you'll explore all options. Maybe keep the paycheck while actively pursuing new job opportunities. Our surroundings can become toxic, whether personal or professional.

You've got so many plates spinning right now with your recovery, your mom's death, and your return to work. Don't let it get you down. Your positive outlook is encouraging. Keep up the good work, my cyber brotha!

(((HUGS)))
 
DixiChik said:
:) Hey Sim...I can see where a fresh start would be beneficial. It sounds like your workplace could lead back into an emotional ditch. You've made great progress, so I feel confident you'll explore all options. Maybe keep the paycheck while actively pursuing new job opportunities. Our surroundings can become toxic, whether personal or professional.

You've got so many plates spinning right now with your recovery, your mom's death, and your return to work. Don't let it get you down. Your positive outlook is encouraging. Keep up the good work, my cyber brotha!

(((HUGS)))
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Thanks, Dixi! Yeah, my plan is pretty much what you described...start looking for next steps, but move cautiously. One thing that is making all this seem feasible is the sad fact that my mom's death frees me up a lot. The town (in fact the whole region of the country) I live in--I only moved here for the job. Several years ago, I found a facility to house my mom locally, but transporting her here was so tough that I felt trapped here and felt I couldn't move her. I realized a few days after her death, "shit, there's zero reason I need to stay here any more." So that's kind of exciting. I try not to put too much stock in the effect that a change of scene could have on my recovery. But this is the place where it all went down. Getting the fuck out of here seems like a godsend.
 
Hey Sim!

How is work/life treating you? I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself. Update us when you can!

- VE
 
Thanks, guys. I'm doing OK, though not as great as I'd like. The cravings have been kinda rough these days...I think partly because I'm now in the thick of closing out my mom's affairs and planning her memorial service. I've been spending a fair amount of time writing her obit and a eulogy for the memorial, and while I'm writing this stuff I think constantly about how getting high would make the whole process much less sad and stressful. This is exacerbated by the fact that I met a new connect recently who gets fire dope (according to people I trust), and he's been on my mind a lot. I gotta just delete his number and block him from my phone b/c I know having access to him is skating on thin fucking ice.

But all that makes things sound worse than they actually are. Aside from wanting to use and being a little upset, I'm basically fine.

Oh, one thing I am happy about. If I put aside the small lapse I had a month ago (I'll say why I'm putting it aside in a sec), today marks 3 months (90 days) clean for me. The issue of the lapse complicates things. But I am proud of how little dope I've used over the last three months.

As for how I'm figuring the lapse into my calendar... First of all, I went back and made a timeline of the lapse. Now that I've thought it through, I realize that the run only lasted about 3 days; it was shorter than I thought. Since it was a brief slip (though a gnarly one), I've decided to give myself a bit of latitude. Honestly, I just don't feel like the lapse undid or nullified the work I did before and after slipping. I also feel like the my original 'clean date' really was a landmark in my recovery. It's when I changed my approach to the problem fundamentally. Lastly, the fact that I've been able to stay clean since my mom died makes me feel really good, and that I've got a good bit of momentum gathered.

Typing this out, I know it sounds like bullshit. Equivocating. Making lame excuses. But I really do feel like today marks 3 months since I committed myself seriously and fully to cleaning up. If I slip AGAIN, I'll have to be stricter. But I realized that if the shoe were on another foot, I would counsel someone else to give themselves a pass for a one-time mistake.

Obviously I'm a little defensive about this. I've spent almost a month trying to decide how to put that lapse in context. Since I feel like I came back from it stronger than before, I'm counting it as part of my recovery. I know...a slippery slope. But it seems like pretty much everything is slippery down here in recovery land. :\
 
Nope, doesn't sound to me AT ALL like you're making excuses or anything along those lines. It sounds more like you're being thoughtfully reflective and doing what is right for you. What more could one ask? Besides, what's the alternative, feeling like a sack of shit for not doing it the way you "should" have? Those shoulds can kill my friend. Plus, it's not like you're hiding the fast your had a bit of a lapse. So, yeah, I don't see this as equivocating or anything along those lines.

It's normal to be defensive about this, particularly given your situation with NA. The vast majority of folks would belittle your process with this, as indeed equivocating, just making excuses and "rationalizing" your "relapse". All bullshit. Just because that was how they might have done things in their recovery does not mean you have to follow them like lambs to the slaughter in yours.

Keep your head up Sim, you're doing great! Especially with what you're having to do finalizing your mom's affairs and the end of all of that jazz. Despite what you say, I can't imagine it is anything but very difficult at times.
 
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