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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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Man, staying sober through such a tough ordeal... Speaks volumes about your dedication to this sober thing.. I'll be honest, I dunno if I'd be strong enough to do it.

Keep killing it, buddy. There's only one place to go from here and that's up.
 
Oh it definitely it. It is a lot of work in the beginning, but once we start moving forward it gets easier and easier to keep moving forward as we learn more effective, healthier ways to deal with the difficulties inherent in life. The more we begin to learn to appreciate the joys and pleasures of life without the aid of exogenous endorphins. And the more we work at simply making forward progress, no matter how small, the more positive momentum builds in recovery and living healthier life generally.

As I think we're all coming to better to understand each day, it's just a matter of try, try again. Perfection is a myth, an impossible goal, that will only make it harder to move beyond harmful patterns of substance use. Keeping an open and kind, yet gentle critical mind is key. But this too is a learned behavior, and our culture sure as hell doesn't teach us how to do this kind of thing (in fact it tend to promote the opposite, a craving for the blind idealism of perfection).
 
I'm so gratified that people didn't call bullshit on my post yesterday. Thanks, guys! :)

I will say that at this point, I'm getting some emotional blowback from my mom's death, and it's translating into cravings. In particular, I'm organizing the memorial service and writing the eulogy. As I sit at my desk writing, my thoughts keep darting to how much better I'd feel if I hit a few lines of dope here and there. Now, I'm NOT going to do this. I'm just describing it in an effort to shine some light on it.
 
Yup, I know what that is like. I've been in a lot of GI pain today (had part of my intestine removed last summer) and my mind for the first time in years though, "A shot would make this pain go away pronto!" After a bit of anxious pacing type behavior I decided to lay down for a few minutes and let my head clear. A kind of meditation where I just started focusing on my body and not my thoughts, and after really just a few moments I started to realize, I'm really not feeling bad enough to make a shot even nearly worth it. At almost exactly the 20min mark, my head was in a completely different place! I've heard for my neuroimmunology friends I work with that it takes about 20 minutes for your liver to filter out stress hormones :)

I feel like, especially given how recently you kicked, what you're experiencing is only normal - a part of the process you're getting to know so intimately.

When I started to let myself notice my thoughts directly after ten or twenty minutes of that kind of mini meditation, I went from thinking how some dope would be very nice to a soft focus on how, while it might feel nice for a day or so, it could also come with a host of other side effects (I have a particularly nasty histamine reaction when I use tar without a tolerance), how fucking shitty it would to have to deal with the people I'd need to to get dope, etc. I know if I used dope today it would take me three days of depression to recovery from it! I was able to come to a much more balanced place of thinking about using, a place where I wasn't narrowly focused on the positives and able to take into consideration the costs of using (and obviously the costs far outweigh the benefits for me at this stage in my life).

You know what to do. Perhaps today would be a particularly ideal day to go do something nice work yourself? Perhaps take yourself out for something you love to eat, or whatever - it doesn't have to cost a lot or be food necessarily, just something you really enjoy the experience of consuming that isn't nearly as harmful as a shot of dope.
 
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I know we met around the time of your almost lapse Sim. It's not BS at all. I reckon you can take a bit of pride that you didn't let nosedive into a spiral. Perhaps it felt longer as you had to dodge the issue of your naltrexone pill a bit?

That aside you can definitely 100% take pride in not turning to the shit with what you're going through - to echo our brothers above. I remember I used to think that when the time comes for me to face that inevitability that the only outcome would be using dope to cope. So, so proud of you for resisting.

Same for you TPD I can only imagine. You guys are my inspiration I really mean that.
 
And if another lapse or relapse happens, it's far from the end of the world. It's just a matter of working things out.
 
^^^ No pressure. This is a tough battle already, no point being hard on ourselves and beating ourselves up further.
 
Thanks, TPD and Kickit. The encouragement means a lot. Also, TPD, I love your suggestions. I'm going to try them out. I love having concrete plans in my arsenal of tools for getting through the day.
 
I got the phone call yesterday telling me that my first vivitrol shot arrived at the doc's, and that I'm good to go... I'm scheduled to get stabbed in the ass with it next Thursday.

I've been on oral naltrexone (same medicine that's in vivitrol, but not time release) for 3 months now, and it's been quite helpful. Ruminating for a couple minutes on the presence of the naltrexone blockade usually forces my brain to move on to other options. But with the oral naltrexone there's a big window open for non-compliance...a window I exploited once, and that I've caught myself thinking about again. Given all the recent drama--my mom's death, returning to work, lingering depression/suicidality--I decided it would be worth moving to vivitrol for a few months, just to make non-compliance that much harder.

I will admit that I'm kinda freaked about vivitrol. The nerves seem unfocused and generalized. But if I'm honest with myself, I think part of it is simply anticipating the fact that using really will be off the table. That's good. But the whole thing reminds me how strong my desire to use dope still is.
 
Sim -

That is awesome that you are proactively taking steps to put roadblocks between you and the drugs. I know how scary that is. It feels very final, but I guess that's the point.

Congrats on 90 hellishly hard to come by days! How is PAWS treating you? Have the heavens parted yet? I am still waiting for my miracle.

Also, how do you find being back at work is for your recovery? I am finding that I need to create more healthy boundaries at work about the amount of time I'm working. I need to prioritize my health, which is hard since work has always been the priority when it comes to work or healthy habits. Do you find it helps to be back or that it makes it harder?

Either way, you are rocking this shit almost like you were born for it! Keep it up.

- VE
 
Hello Sim

It's amazing how parallel our stories are. I was almost 40 when I started on the gear having been introduced by a friend of a friend who'd just relapsed. I was majorly depressed having just had my husband leave me for a girl he'd met online.

Been strugglong ever since. I hope to be where you are and be able to at least get past the hurdle of acute withdrawals. I know withdrawal is the easy part but if I can't get past that bit the rest just isn't going to happen is it.

Sending best wishes for your continued recovery and happiness.
 
VastEmpty said:
Sim -

That is awesome that you are proactively taking steps to put roadblocks between you and the drugs. I know how scary that is. It feels very final, but I guess that's the point.

Congrats on 90 hellishly hard to come by days! How is PAWS treating you? Have the heavens parted yet? I am still waiting for my miracle.

Also, how do you find being back at work is for your recovery? I am finding that I need to create more healthy boundaries at work about the amount of time I'm working. I need to prioritize my health, which is hard since work has always been the priority when it comes to work or healthy habits. Do you find it helps to be back or that it makes it harder?

Either way, you are rocking this shit almost like you were born for it! Keep it up.

- VE
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Still waiting for the heavens to open up! :\ All in all, each day is pretty much the same as the day before, with some fluctuations in mood and cravings etc. Basically, it sounds like you and I are on the same path.

TBH, being back at work is not going so well. It hasn't been terrible. But it typically puts me in a headspace I just don't like. We'll see, though, tomorrow is my first time back doing the part of the job I dislike most. Once a week I have to stand in front of a room-full of people and give a 3-hour lecture. I'm not especially averse to public speaking in general. But this particular venue really eats at me...all kinds of impostor syndrome and general negativity. So I'm nervous about that today.

But I have been fairly successful at minimizing work stress so far. I'm just trying to keep my head down and work on my own well-being.

How about you? Have you been feeling good? Or at least OK?
 
WolfCub said:
Hello Sim

It's amazing how parallel our stories are. I was almost 40 when I started on the gear having been introduced by a friend of a friend who'd just relapsed. I was majorly depressed having just had my husband leave me for a girl he'd met online.

Been strugglong ever since. I hope to be where you are and be able to at least get past the hurdle of acute withdrawals. I know withdrawal is the easy part but if I can't get past that bit the rest just isn't going to happen is it.

Sending best wishes for your continued recovery and happiness.
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Thanks, WolfCub. And, damn, you're right...a lot of parallels between our bios. I'm sorry to hear about the shitstorm you went through. Has the depression let up at all? For me, the dope actually did help me feel less depressed, for a while. Then everything got way worse.

Acute WDs are scary, for sure. But if you look around a bit on this forum, you'll find loads of good advice on handling its symptoms. Feel free to ask if you'd like detailed suggestions. In the meantime, my main bit of advice is simply to get a good support network in place and make some concrete plans for how you'll handle the psychological end of recovery. Obviously, those are HUGE tasks...you don't need to do them all in one go. It's taken me a couple years to get to the point where I feel like I have a skeleton of these resources in place. It certainly doesn't have to take you that long, though.

Keep us updated on how you're doing (the good and the bad, to the extent you're comfortable with that). And welcome to BL!!!
<3
Sim
 
Just finished my lecture for the week. It was a slog, but not a train wreck. Fuck, though, I had forgotten how much energy a long lecture takes out of me. I feel completely wasted and my voice in trashed. But...done with that for the week!
 
Sim, good job man, for getting through that without using. That's a big deal imo. Man I to have had a tough weekend/week. Had to spend six hours in a mall.. Oh how I love the mall..jerkit!

I find my biggest triggers right now are dealing with public/social life. Just not my thing right now.

Thinking of you man

Sixx
 
I just realized, sometimes in the early morning I get on BL and respond to posts before I'm actually out of the haze :\

I used to really struggle with social phobia type issues. Shit, I still do. These days, the big difference is that I'm more inclined to take the attitude of, "I'm just going to be me and do what feels right and if it makes you uncomfortable fuck off."

I used to love opioids in particular because they'd allow me to suppress the feeling of discomfort I'd experience when I was around others and felt like I had to fit in and conform. Opioids worked really well for that, giving me the chance to experience a certain degree of pleasure amidst a life of inauthenticity. Of course, the downside is that once I'd built up enough of a tolerance to their effects and had to take more, there were also more side effects, and, well, things got a bit too complicated for me.

That sucked because I neither had the tool that I'd been using to deal with life (opioids) yet still found myself in the same, unsustainable place in life (identity wise). It was sink or swim, and for a good many years I definitely sank down pretty deep.

But I digress, sorry OP ;)

Back to the topic, do you have any tools, skills or habits you can use to help manage feelings uncomfortable in social situations like that? Ultimately, I loath places like the mall and have learned to stay well away (for a number of reasons). When I do need to partake, I make up a kind of get-in-get-out strategy, so there is as little hassle (and thus stress) as possible.
 
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Sixxam said:
Sim, good job man, for getting through that without using. That's a big deal imo. Man I to have had a tough weekend/week. Had to spend six hours in a mall.. Oh how I love the mall..jerkit!

I find my biggest triggers right now are dealing with public/social life. Just not my thing right now.

Thinking of you man

Sixx
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Sorry you had a rough weekend, man. I feel you on the whole not-wanting-to-deal-with-the-public thing. I like being around one or maybe two close friends/family. But having to play normal in a crowd just sucks.

Let's just take care of ourselves and do our best to stay out of gnarly situations. Have a great day, Sixx!!
 
Sixxam said:
I find my biggest triggers right now are dealing with public/social life. Just not my thing right now.
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you are kicking ass, sixx! I know it doesn't feel like it. I've been there and you are in a tough phase but it doesn't last long. That struggle to make it through each and every day passes in just a few weeks (or does for me) at the most.

In terms of social situations being a trigger - it's good that you know that. I would recommend doing everything in your power to limit those situations. I'm sure there are times you can't, but it's ok to only do the minimum right now. As Sim said, you guys need to take care of yourselves!

Much love and support coming your way.

- VE
 
simco said:
Just finished my lecture for the week. It was a slog, but not a train wreck. Fuck, though, I had forgotten how much energy a long lecture takes out of me. I feel completely wasted and my voice in trashed. But...done with that for the week!
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Nice job making it through that! Do you do it once a week every single week?!? How do you come up with that much to say? I can imagine dreading that.

Hey do you have any plans to celebrate your 90 days (I guess the question in that case is "did you do anything?") or 6 month mark or anything? I've been thinking about it lately and could really use a fucking celebration - if you consider doing nothing celebrating. I need a break from life.

- VE
 
VastEmpty said:
Nice job making it through that! Do you do it once a week every single week?!? How do you come up with that much to say? I can imagine dreading that.

Hey do you have any plans to celebrate your 90 days (I guess the question in that case is "did you do anything?") or 6 month mark or anything? I've been thinking about it lately and could really use a fucking celebration - if you consider doing nothing celebrating. I need a break from life.

- VE
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Yeah, every week. And then I spend most of the remaining six days writing what I'll say next time. But it could be worse...right now I only have half my usual load. Typically I have to do two talks per week!?! That will be back on my plate if I'm still around the job in four or five months.

Didn't really occur to me to celebrate the 90 days, other than the nice nap I took. :) Fact is, things are still tense enough with my wife that we just don't talk much about the whole recovery issue. But you're right...a celebration would be nice.
 
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