Perpetual Indulgence
Bluelighter
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- Messages
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SLR Moderators: Senior Staff
I am Completely Alienated, Downtrodden and Have No-one -- I Think the End is Near
- Thread starter DeadLife
- Start date
Lysis
Bluelighter
I think you're focusing on the wrong cause too. You really breezed over the "violent crime" stuff and went on with the ugliness and issues of your personal looks. I really don't think that's the issue. If you did something awful, then this is your consequences for what you did.
You should probably stop avoiding the real issue, get some therapy and address the real problem, so you can accept it and work with it instead of blaming it on looks. I have a hard time believing strangers are "slandering" you because you have a few awkward mannerisms. You said:
People don't say "oh, that retarded guy don't talk to him he looks weird." and people "jump on the bandwagon." That does happen, however, if people know what you did and are disgusted by the violence, which you say you did.
You should probably stop avoiding the real issue, get some therapy and address the real problem, so you can accept it and work with it instead of blaming it on looks. I have a hard time believing strangers are "slandering" you because you have a few awkward mannerisms. You said:
People don't say "oh, that retarded guy don't talk to him he looks weird." and people "jump on the bandwagon." That does happen, however, if people know what you did and are disgusted by the violence, which you say you did.
trooper7
Bluelighter
People aren't disgusted by violent crime, are they? The only crimes I find disgusting, personally, are sex crimes.
When I read online posts that are incomplete as far as facts go, I try to fill in the blanks.
I read this story as one of 2 things-
He lives in a town with, say, 3 high schools. Small enough to run into people he knows fairly often, but not a small town. He grew up there. He's weird, and got made fun of all through school. He got tired of being ridiculed, and beat the ever-loving shit out of a former schoolmate or neighbor who wouldn't stfu. Would explain why it's mostly girls who single him out- the guys are afraid?
Or, hes a chester-molester pervert who commited a sex offense and creeped people out. Also explains why women target him.
Ok, enough fairytales.
Either way, for an accurate picture of the situation to be painted, the nature of the crime needs to be revealed.
When I read online posts that are incomplete as far as facts go, I try to fill in the blanks.
I read this story as one of 2 things-
He lives in a town with, say, 3 high schools. Small enough to run into people he knows fairly often, but not a small town. He grew up there. He's weird, and got made fun of all through school. He got tired of being ridiculed, and beat the ever-loving shit out of a former schoolmate or neighbor who wouldn't stfu. Would explain why it's mostly girls who single him out- the guys are afraid?
Or, hes a chester-molester pervert who commited a sex offense and creeped people out. Also explains why women target him.
Ok, enough fairytales.
Either way, for an accurate picture of the situation to be painted, the nature of the crime needs to be revealed.
Lysis
Bluelighter
Uhhh, yeah. I don't want a murderer or a rapist hanging around my neighborhood either. If I knew someone was one of these people, I sure as hell would tell my friends and avoid the person. People don't do that shit for just someone looking funny or acting odd. But, he just mentioned the violent crime without elaborating and his entire post is all about his looks. I think he's avoiding the issue. Perhaps he can't deal with what he did, because his conscience is getting to him. Good. He said "violent" crime, so for that word to be mentioned, it's got to be pretty bad, especially with the way people are treating him.
B1tO'RoughJack
Bluelighter
Mmm yes ^
trooper7
Bluelighter
Hm. Well when I think of violent crime, I think of assault, maybe manslaughter, even armed robbery, but not murder or rape because those are in a class by themselves.
(although like anyone's going to come to a website and be all, 'I raped somebody, but that's not my issue. I'm just awkward.' So maybe he is being evasive and not just vague?)
We won't know unless you answer, OP. Or not. But people tend to think the worst when you're not forthright.
(although like anyone's going to come to a website and be all, 'I raped somebody, but that's not my issue. I'm just awkward.' So maybe he is being evasive and not just vague?)
We won't know unless you answer, OP. Or not. But people tend to think the worst when you're not forthright.
llama112
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 4,468
I'm a bit curious about this crime that you did. That would be the first thing that would scare me, anyway. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt right now. I have a friend who is in jail, he got into a bar fight. I don't know exactly what happened, but the guy isn't the type to just start fights. But he's in jail now, and he's a genuinely good guy. I'm going to presume that the crime you committed was similar to this and not actually anything too bad.
I know you said that you've joined clubs and stuff before, but keep doing that. Try different things... maybe take some college courses.
Going to a speech therapist may help too. I mean, you're made fun of a lot of your speaking, so it seems like a logical step. My sister went to a speech therapist when she was younger, she couldn't say a lot of her letters and she spoke with a weird accent lol, and now she speaks relatively normal, they were great.
I know you said that you've joined clubs and stuff before, but keep doing that. Try different things... maybe take some college courses.
Going to a speech therapist may help too. I mean, you're made fun of a lot of your speaking, so it seems like a logical step. My sister went to a speech therapist when she was younger, she couldn't say a lot of her letters and she spoke with a weird accent lol, and now she speaks relatively normal, they were great.
StrutterGear
Bluelight Crew
You know you write incredibly well? I kinda know how you feel, people think I'm an average muggy Essex boy but I've got a lil more going on upstairs Seriously though, I echo other posters - you should write.
Blogging can help you sort your head out too, sometimes writing shit on paper (or your laptop) allows you to confront your issues. I'm not gonna get all touchy-feely emotional but I think it could help, there's alot to be said for having a good bitch and moan about the internet
I also echo another poster's suggestions of taking your interest in history further. You're obviously intelligent and have a thirst for knowledge.
Lastly, I would never push drugs on anyone and it just isn't for some people, but there's alot to be said for MDMA. When I was 15/16 I was pretty much incapable of speaking to girls on an intimate level. I was always worried what people thought about me, always getting into fights etc... Then I went to my first rave and took MDMA for the first time aged 16. Lost my inhibitions, stopped caring so much about everything, and generally "started my life". I wont go into encouraging that any further due to the legal implications of both you buying and taking it, but I pinpoint that moment in my life where everything stopped being so shit Your choice of course !
Keep us all posted on your decisions, we're interested to know !
Seriously though, I echo other posters - you should write. Blogging can help you sort your head out too, sometimes writing shit on paper (or your laptop) allows you to confront your issues. I'm not gonna get all touchy-feely emotional but I think it could help, there's alot to be said for having a good bitch and moan about the internet
I also echo another poster's suggestions of taking your interest in history further. You're obviously intelligent and have a thirst for knowledge.
Lastly, I would never push drugs on anyone and it just isn't for some people, but there's alot to be said for MDMA. When I was 15/16 I was pretty much incapable of speaking to girls on an intimate level. I was always worried what people thought about me, always getting into fights etc... Then I went to my first rave and took MDMA for the first time aged 16. Lost my inhibitions, stopped caring so much about everything, and generally "started my life". I wont go into encouraging that any further due to the legal implications of both you buying and taking it, but I pinpoint that moment in my life where everything stopped being so shit
Your choice of course ! Keep us all posted on your decisions, we're interested to know !
Last edited:
Thanks for your replies, guys.
There seems to be much belief that my treatment is related to my crime. I disagree, which is why I basically avoided writing anything about it. Nevertheless, I will provide more details for everyone.
In 2002 I was charged with Attempted Murder. I was at a house party of my then-ex-girlfriend's friend. Later on in the night, when many had already left, an argument broke out between me and another party-goer (this guy had given me shit before). It got heated so I turned my back and walked off. As I did, though, he sucker punched me, and that dropped me. I was on the ground and he started kicking into me, all the while yelling out profanity-laden insults and telling me to "Fuck off."
Once he finished beating me down I became fuelled with violent rage. I went to my car, opened it, reached into the glove compartment and pulled out my Glock 9mm. I then returned to the house, walked inside, saw the punk that gave me the beat-down and unloaded six shots into his body. Now I'm no marksman (thankfully), because all six slugs missed every vital organ. This saved his life. I walked out of there, drove to the police and handed myself in, because it was just a matter of time before they (the cops) would have found me (there were a few witnesses at the house). I was drunk at the time and I regret my actions. I also paid the price for my crime.
Now, fast-forward to 2008 through to right now and people are treating me with the utmost contempt. As others here think, I initially thought they may have heard about my crime, and as a result, I searched everywhere to find information on my crime. You fucking name where to look and I've looked there. The only thing I found was at the local library, from an archived newspaper from 2002. It had a very short write-up on the incident, and no photos were provided. As I say, it was a very short article, and a very small one.
I live in a kind of large city, where brutal assaults, muggings, armed hold-ups and sexual assaults are quite frequent. Most of the stuff I mentioned happens several times a week. A couple of dozen murders happen in my city each year, as well. So my crime really wasn't anything note-worthy, hence the lack of media interest.
So, I really don't think people know about my crime. The guy I nearly shot to death has, apparently, moved out of town about 5 years ago. So I doubt he has gone around town spreading malicious lies. Besides, he was hardly Mr Popular himself, so I doubt many would take his word seriously if he did say anything.
Also, don't you think if people knew about my crime they'd be far more reluctant to spit vehement abuse at me? I mean, if I knew a guy who committed attempted murder I would chose my words very careful when he's around, for I'd think he has the propensity for violence and is liable to snap easily.
Footscray, it's the same for me: when I go into town, I virtually never notice the people I see. Yet they seem to notice me? Every time I hear someone abuse me, I look at them and think, Who the fuck is she?! Do I know her from somewhere? I search my memory banks but I just don't remember the face. (And I am quite good at remembering people I've met and faces I've seen.)
As I said, I tend to shop around the same areas near-by. Still, how are these people recognizing me (and seemingly knowing who I am) at the mall? I mean it's a 2-storey complex with about 6,000 parking bays. I don't really have any stand-out features that would make me instantly recognizable (e.g. I don't have a port-stained birthmark covering one side of my face). I'm just 6' 3" and 220lbs. But there are many guys who fit that description. It's nothing that makes me stand out. How the fuck are people recognizing me?
Perhaps someone's started a local Facebook page and has my pic up as the profile pic? Perhaps someone has started some malicious, well-known webpage that's used solely to attack me? I don't know. I just know that I'm being slandered, and that people recognize me when I'm out and about town, and that they often join the slander and put-downing behavior themselves.
Yes, I am unattractive. If you look at people who get bullied, nearly without exception the victim is unattractive. If I were good-looking, people would be a lot more forgiving of my other shortcomings. In short, I dont think I'd be treated the way I am.
Did you ever know someone who just happened to get given a heap of shit for no real good reason? There was just something about this guy that just evoked the nastiness in people. There are a few people like that. Perhaps I'm one of them. I really don't know. I just know that I'm treated with complete contempt.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Bluelighters
There seems to be much belief that my treatment is related to my crime. I disagree, which is why I basically avoided writing anything about it. Nevertheless, I will provide more details for everyone.
In 2002 I was charged with Attempted Murder. I was at a house party of my then-ex-girlfriend's friend. Later on in the night, when many had already left, an argument broke out between me and another party-goer (this guy had given me shit before). It got heated so I turned my back and walked off. As I did, though, he sucker punched me, and that dropped me. I was on the ground and he started kicking into me, all the while yelling out profanity-laden insults and telling me to "Fuck off."
Once he finished beating me down I became fuelled with violent rage. I went to my car, opened it, reached into the glove compartment and pulled out my Glock 9mm. I then returned to the house, walked inside, saw the punk that gave me the beat-down and unloaded six shots into his body. Now I'm no marksman (thankfully), because all six slugs missed every vital organ. This saved his life. I walked out of there, drove to the police and handed myself in, because it was just a matter of time before they (the cops) would have found me (there were a few witnesses at the house). I was drunk at the time and I regret my actions. I also paid the price for my crime.
Now, fast-forward to 2008 through to right now and people are treating me with the utmost contempt. As others here think, I initially thought they may have heard about my crime, and as a result, I searched everywhere to find information on my crime. You fucking name where to look and I've looked there. The only thing I found was at the local library, from an archived newspaper from 2002. It had a very short write-up on the incident, and no photos were provided. As I say, it was a very short article, and a very small one.
I live in a kind of large city, where brutal assaults, muggings, armed hold-ups and sexual assaults are quite frequent. Most of the stuff I mentioned happens several times a week. A couple of dozen murders happen in my city each year, as well. So my crime really wasn't anything note-worthy, hence the lack of media interest.
So, I really don't think people know about my crime. The guy I nearly shot to death has, apparently, moved out of town about 5 years ago. So I doubt he has gone around town spreading malicious lies. Besides, he was hardly Mr Popular himself, so I doubt many would take his word seriously if he did say anything.
Also, don't you think if people knew about my crime they'd be far more reluctant to spit vehement abuse at me? I mean, if I knew a guy who committed attempted murder I would chose my words very careful when he's around, for I'd think he has the propensity for violence and is liable to snap easily.
Footscray, it's the same for me: when I go into town, I virtually never notice the people I see. Yet they seem to notice me? Every time I hear someone abuse me, I look at them and think, Who the fuck is she?! Do I know her from somewhere? I search my memory banks but I just don't remember the face. (And I am quite good at remembering people I've met and faces I've seen.)
As I said, I tend to shop around the same areas near-by. Still, how are these people recognizing me (and seemingly knowing who I am) at the mall? I mean it's a 2-storey complex with about 6,000 parking bays. I don't really have any stand-out features that would make me instantly recognizable (e.g. I don't have a port-stained birthmark covering one side of my face). I'm just 6' 3" and 220lbs. But there are many guys who fit that description. It's nothing that makes me stand out. How the fuck are people recognizing me?
Perhaps someone's started a local Facebook page and has my pic up as the profile pic? Perhaps someone has started some malicious, well-known webpage that's used solely to attack me? I don't know. I just know that I'm being slandered, and that people recognize me when I'm out and about town, and that they often join the slander and put-downing behavior themselves.
Yes, I am unattractive. If you look at people who get bullied, nearly without exception the victim is unattractive. If I were good-looking, people would be a lot more forgiving of my other shortcomings. In short, I dont think I'd be treated the way I am.
Did you ever know someone who just happened to get given a heap of shit for no real good reason? There was just something about this guy that just evoked the nastiness in people. There are a few people like that. Perhaps I'm one of them. I really don't know. I just know that I'm treated with complete contempt.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, Bluelighters
Hey, thanks for your post and the compliment. Yes, I should start writing more, because for one thing it's a way to vent pent-up frustration. And also, as arctic said, perhaps I should start writing to newspapers and other organizations that take submissions from readers.You know you write incredibly well? I kinda know how you feel, people think I'm an average muggy Essex boy but I've got a lil more going on upstairs
Blogging can help you sort your head out too, sometimes writing shit on paper (or your laptop) allows you to confront your issues. I'm not gonna get all touchy-feely emotional but I think it could help, there's alot to be said for having a good bitch and moan about the internet
I also echo another poster's suggestions of taking your interest in history further. You're obviously intelligent and have a thirst for knowledge.
Lastly, I would never push drugs on anyone and it just isn't for some people, but there's alot to be said for MDMA. When I was 15/16 I was pretty much incapable of speaking to girls on an intimate level. I was always worried what people thought about me, always getting into fights etc... Then I went to my first rave and took MDMA for the first time aged 16. Lost my inhibitions, stopped caring so much about everything, and generally "started my life". I wont go into encouraging that any further due to the legal implications of both you buying and taking it, but I pinpoint that moment in my life where everything stopped being so shit
Keep us all posted on your decisions, we're interested to know !
About the drug thing: I'm on parole, and hence cannot drink or use drugs. If I do and get caught, I'll violate my parole conditions and serve out the remainder of my sentence. )I have used amphetamines and alcohol in the past.) However, even if I weren't on parole, I think drugs such as these would not help me. Both alcohol and amphetamines make me angry and unstable. And if I'm angry already then these things will only exacerbate this feeling, and potentially cause me to lash out.
Marijuana doesn't make me angry, but it makes me extremely paranoid, lethargic, and depressed. I don't enjoy it.
Anyway, I've taken others' suggestions on board and will see where they take me.
Happy holidays
You're not slow, this is fact.
It's evident in your writing that you're actually quite intelligent.
I know you already know this and it's not much help me pointing it out, but my next comment may.
I am actually autistic, I used to talk with a heavy lisp and didn't have more than two or three friends for pretty much the first half of my life thus far (I am 19, Australian). I know what it's like to deal with people's snide comments, hell I had the prinicpal of my Primary School call me "Mentally ill" and then she went on to explain her opinions on how "I would never amount to anything in society" and all this eventually led to some pretty serious depression issues that continued until only a few years ago.
Maybe she's right honestly, but only because I've gotten to a point where I've realised society is fucked, far more so than most care to admit.
What I'm getting at here, is that you remind me of myself, in a few different ways. You are different, yes, but you also express yourself beautifully, I was captivated and highly impressed by your writing ability so my advice is to do what I did in a similar situation to yours: Write.
Write stories, get your thoughts and feelings down whether it's in a diary or vicariously through characters that are of your creation.
Regardless of whether you can speak well or not, you write fantastically.
I still have many autistic tendencies, definitely not as bad as I used to be, and I am fairly highly functional for someone diagnosed with the condition, but we can only do so much with the hand we're given.
You've been blessed with an impressive vocabulary, you should use it, you've got a lot of emotions, and clearly a story to tell.
Let's see how all these total arseholes feel when they're working at Wal Mart and you're writing bestsellers.
Chin up man, I know things suck right now, depression is horrible I know.
A good solid, creative and emotional outlet will make a huge difference.
Hope this post put a bit of a smile on your face.
EDIT:
PS just finished thread, you've already been told you're a great writer, don't take it lightly we're not lying man
It's evident in your writing that you're actually quite intelligent.
I know you already know this and it's not much help me pointing it out, but my next comment may.
I am actually autistic, I used to talk with a heavy lisp and didn't have more than two or three friends for pretty much the first half of my life thus far (I am 19, Australian). I know what it's like to deal with people's snide comments, hell I had the prinicpal of my Primary School call me "Mentally ill" and then she went on to explain her opinions on how "I would never amount to anything in society" and all this eventually led to some pretty serious depression issues that continued until only a few years ago.
Maybe she's right honestly, but only because I've gotten to a point where I've realised society is fucked, far more so than most care to admit.
What I'm getting at here, is that you remind me of myself, in a few different ways. You are different, yes, but you also express yourself beautifully, I was captivated and highly impressed by your writing ability so my advice is to do what I did in a similar situation to yours: Write.
Write stories, get your thoughts and feelings down whether it's in a diary or vicariously through characters that are of your creation.
Regardless of whether you can speak well or not, you write fantastically.
I still have many autistic tendencies, definitely not as bad as I used to be, and I am fairly highly functional for someone diagnosed with the condition, but we can only do so much with the hand we're given.
You've been blessed with an impressive vocabulary, you should use it, you've got a lot of emotions, and clearly a story to tell.
Let's see how all these total arseholes feel when they're working at Wal Mart and you're writing bestsellers.
Chin up man, I know things suck right now, depression is horrible I know.
A good solid, creative and emotional outlet will make a huge difference.
Hope this post put a bit of a smile on your face.
EDIT:
PS just finished thread, you've already been told you're a great writer, don't take it lightly we're not lying man
StrutterGear
Bluelight Crew
Hey, thanks for your post and the compliment. Yes, I should start writing more, because for one thing it's a way to vent pent-up frustration. And also, as arctic said, perhaps I should start writing to newspapers and other organizations that take submissions from readers.
About the drug thing: I'm on parole, and hence cannot drink or use drugs. If I do and get caught, I'll violate my parole conditions and serve out the remainder of my sentence. )I have used amphetamines and alcohol in the past.) However, even if I weren't on parole, I think drugs such as these would not help me. Both alcohol and amphetamines make me angry and unstable. And if I'm angry already then these things will only exacerbate this feeling, and potentially cause me to lash out.
Marijuana doesn't make me angry, but it makes me extremely paranoid, lethargic, and depressed. I don't enjoy it.
Anyway, I've taken others' suggestions on board and will see where they take me.
Happy holidays
Ahh I understand, dunno why I thought you wouldn't be on parole haha. Yea certain drugs aren't for everyone, I'd suggest you'd find it difficult to get angry on the love drug but I've heard of stranger things
In all honesty it sounds like you need to talk to somebody. Again, I am not one of these people who is all touchy emotional and pro-therapy, I know 99% of people would rather deal with it themself, but it could be an option. I only suggested as you like writing and I hazard a guess that it helps with your feelings. Therefore opening up to a therapist who then could give you proper, professional and constructive conversation could help.
It's okay to feel sad sometimes, this whole chasing eternal happiness is bullshit. Nobody is happy all the time, but you need to get a lil some of it it seems. Good luck man, honestly, I hope you find your answer!
Merry Christmas to you too
morpher001
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2006
- Messages
- 1,067
Are you sure that you aren't so self-conscious that you have become a bit paranoid about it?
Do they make eye contact when they are speaking the abuse?
What if you were to approach the next person who abuses you, and politely ask if everything is ok and if there is anything you can do to help? Their response might shed some light?
B1tO'RoughJack
Bluelighter
^ Great suggestion...I waqs actually going to say something similar about the paranoia, but I couldn't be assed considering the OP's reaction to my other post.
The approaching is definitely a good idea, as long as you can breathe deep and keep your cool.
The approaching is definitely a good idea, as long as you can breathe deep and keep your cool.
morpher001
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2006
- Messages
- 1,067
Another thought. Does your parole require you to wear an ankle bracelet and if so, is it visible?
artic
Bluelighter
Shit man, I think the only real difference between you and everyone else is circumstances. If they had been through what you have and seen what you have seen, then they would have done what you did and feel how you feel. If you can express that to people and make them understand where you come from and how you view the world people, will respect it. However you get it done, do it. You gotta let shit out.
It is hard to reintegrate into society from an institution but you gotta put yourself out there to get it done. Socialize as much as possible. I would support the idea of a polite confrontation with anyone who you feel is harassing you. Think of it like a game where the object is to keep your cool. If you can be nice to people even if they aren't being nice to you then you just won because you are still calm and they are pissed off. If you have a nice conversation and make a new friend then shit, you both won.
It is hard to reintegrate into society from an institution but you gotta put yourself out there to get it done. Socialize as much as possible. I would support the idea of a polite confrontation with anyone who you feel is harassing you. Think of it like a game where the object is to keep your cool. If you can be nice to people even if they aren't being nice to you then you just won because you are still calm and they are pissed off. If you have a nice conversation and make a new friend then shit, you both won.
Lysis
Bluelighter
I don't know about that. I'm not sure you could get me to pick up a gun and start shooting at someone. Even if my life was threatened, I'd have a really hard time with it. Probably do it..self preservation and all that, but there is no way I'd pick up a gun and shoot someone out of anger.
Ody
Bluelighter
Global society for starters.
Ody
Bluelighter
I have a fairly simple limp and have had many strangers and acquaintances point and laugh at my gait. This world sucks.
Morpher001: First, I don't wear an ankle braclet.
Second, there may be some slight paranoia present, in that I'm hyper-vigilant when out in public; that is, I'm constantly scanning my environment in search of negative bodylanguage and I'm always listening attentively to every person's conversation when I'm near them, more so than most people do, I think.
When I hear the slander I'll quickly look in the direction from which it came. I think I spot the person who said it and then look at them, but only occasionally have they been looking back at me (I'd say about 30% of the time). As I said in an earlier post, it's usually said very quietly, and I think it (usually) isn't the slanderers' intention for me to hear it. They just feel like pointing out my "shortcomings" to their friends, family or whoever is beside them. (Apparently, whatever it is about me, it's interesting enough for slanderers to want to share their negative opinions with those close by, since it's such grand and important news 8))
I should add that, sometimes, I don't hear the entire context in which the derogatory remark was made. I sometimes just hear a derogatory remark without its context as I walk by and immediately turn my head to face the person who said it.
Having said what I did in the above three paragraphs, however, I still feel that it's usually directed at me. I mean, for instance, when I stop at traffic lights and there's a car with two occupants in the front, one of whom has her lips twisted in contempt and is mouthing something inaudible off, I think it's safe to assume that it's about me. Because often when I drive by such people, they don't refrain from breaking eye contact; they'll continue snarling at me and their lips will still be moving all the while.
About confronting people: I have done this a few times over the past few months. I haven't usually done it to people in the street, but rather to employees of certain businesses, such as pharmacies. For instance, I walked in to a pharmacy one time and I thought I heard a staff member (not an actually pharmacist, just a retail assistant of the pharmacy) quietly mutter something derogatory about me. I approached her on the matter. Of course, she put on a puzzled look and denied everything, saying that she didn't say anything at all, derogatory or otherwise. But she was courteous about it, and I didn't approach with any aggression.
I have done the above in a few other shops, as well. Again, not surprisingly, the staff looked puzzled and denied having said anything. More often than not, however, I let such behavior slide; I don't approach anyone about it.
Artic, I've been reintegrating for over 3 years now. I think I've become accustomed to life on the outside now. However, your points about approaching people have been heeded. It's just not always practical, though. For instance, it's hard to confront people when there are dozens of others within earshot. Also, if I approached everyone who slandered me or abused me in some way, I'd be approaching about 50 people a day.
Tangerin0, thanks for your post and the compliments. It's good to read from someone who has experienced and is experiencing the pain of being labeled "different." Your post made me feel less alien
Second, there may be some slight paranoia present, in that I'm hyper-vigilant when out in public; that is, I'm constantly scanning my environment in search of negative bodylanguage and I'm always listening attentively to every person's conversation when I'm near them, more so than most people do, I think.
When I hear the slander I'll quickly look in the direction from which it came. I think I spot the person who said it and then look at them, but only occasionally have they been looking back at me (I'd say about 30% of the time). As I said in an earlier post, it's usually said very quietly, and I think it (usually) isn't the slanderers' intention for me to hear it. They just feel like pointing out my "shortcomings" to their friends, family or whoever is beside them. (Apparently, whatever it is about me, it's interesting enough for slanderers to want to share their negative opinions with those close by, since it's such grand and important news 8))
I should add that, sometimes, I don't hear the entire context in which the derogatory remark was made. I sometimes just hear a derogatory remark without its context as I walk by and immediately turn my head to face the person who said it.
Having said what I did in the above three paragraphs, however, I still feel that it's usually directed at me. I mean, for instance, when I stop at traffic lights and there's a car with two occupants in the front, one of whom has her lips twisted in contempt and is mouthing something inaudible off, I think it's safe to assume that it's about me. Because often when I drive by such people, they don't refrain from breaking eye contact; they'll continue snarling at me and their lips will still be moving all the while.
About confronting people: I have done this a few times over the past few months. I haven't usually done it to people in the street, but rather to employees of certain businesses, such as pharmacies. For instance, I walked in to a pharmacy one time and I thought I heard a staff member (not an actually pharmacist, just a retail assistant of the pharmacy) quietly mutter something derogatory about me. I approached her on the matter. Of course, she put on a puzzled look and denied everything, saying that she didn't say anything at all, derogatory or otherwise. But she was courteous about it, and I didn't approach with any aggression.
I have done the above in a few other shops, as well. Again, not surprisingly, the staff looked puzzled and denied having said anything. More often than not, however, I let such behavior slide; I don't approach anyone about it.
Artic, I've been reintegrating for over 3 years now. I think I've become accustomed to life on the outside now. However, your points about approaching people have been heeded. It's just not always practical, though. For instance, it's hard to confront people when there are dozens of others within earshot. Also, if I approached everyone who slandered me or abused me in some way, I'd be approaching about 50 people a day.
Tangerin0, thanks for your post and the compliments. It's good to read from someone who has experienced and is experiencing the pain of being labeled "different." Your post made me feel less alien
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