I don't think he'd be writing about it if he didn't recognize the behavior was wrong.. that being said, now to Deadlife... I don't know if anyone will have anything better to tell you here. I wish we did. Maybe someone might.
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But I wonder, might I suggest group therapy? This might be a place where you can meet others who might have stories with some parallels to yourself. Even meet a friend.
Also, maybe try a forum more focused on your specific issues... a mental health forum? Bluelight is a little more broad, although we do have focus forums here, like this... but even this is geared more toward "romance" and not ... the intensive subjects that you might need to look into. I will look around tonight (sometime) for you, and if I find any forums specifically related, I will PM you some.
Have you posted in the dark side (though it is more of a drug discussion forum)? SLR might not be the place for it, at least not the only place.
an example of what i might do if a lady in a parking lot unmistakably, bitchedly mouthed words at me: i might stop my car, get out, and politely ask her what she just said. "excuse me ma'am? did you want to say something to me?" if she's a bitch and you/I didn't do anything, just force a smile (no teeth) and nod once, and get back in your car. honestly, is she worth our trouble? really? the angry stalking behavior in this regard is dangerous, and it's rooted in
your own fear of confronting the situation. keep it all defused, unless you really need to make an explosion. 99.999 percent of the time you won't need to (? number).
but honestly, i live in a city of nearly a million people, and i pretty much don't pay much attention, even if i catch something. keep moving. i might say "wtf", but i don't really care most of the time what some random person thinks about me. it took awhile to get here, and for me, it was in the form of quitting using anxiety causing agents, such as allergy-producing foods, for me. i made progress beforehand... but that has really helped. i now consume only hemp seeds (except for the occasional deviation where i try to eat other food), and quite honestly, i'm (even though admittedly still full of everything i was) better off than I ever was. I only wish I had come to it sooner. I'm sacrificing a lot by doing it, and I am afraid of certain deficits, and worry about my health (this is getting long and about me I know but I've been on a writing kick, so please excuse if you must.), but I'll work on things...
so... how is your diet? you don't need to answer me... but diet really, really effects people.
i don't mean to say "be like me"- but have you tried hemp seed? it's claimed to improve mood/stabilize it, with a lot of other health benefits. it offers the perfect ratio of fatty acids that the human body needs. i haven't been as pure with it as i have been the past week or so, and my mood has improved, especially around people. i used to think i was just one of those people that didn't pick up on social cues quite as much or as fast at least, or knew what to do with them... couldn't hold a conversation... couldn't start one. couldn't even talk. didn't pick up on the same emotions as others, at the same time.. but now, i just enjoy it. not overwhelming.. but anyway.. i wish i had found out about hemp, and how easily it can sustain me, before i nearly destroyed my digestive system with sugar and allergens (I do talk about this a lot), and overeating because allergy=food addiction. sorry if this seems too much about me.. i'm just opening up. trying to relate my situation, and what i know, to you. try hemp. perhaps don't eat only hemp (though maybe try it for a few days and see how it treats you, but if you can, and i imagine you can.. do eat other food as well of course.), but definitely include it in your diet or try it. omega 3 fish oil might benefit you as well. and one thing i just found to
really relax me, seemingly, is topical magnesium chloride spray (with other minerals). I bought a bottle of this tonight, and wow. I sprayed myself down with it. Headache went away. Energy. I feel soft. I feel like making out with my non-existent girlfriend, and falling asleep. Peaceful.
I really am curious what your diet is like, now. There are so many approaches you can take to attack this "demon" of yours. Perhaps find other ways of exercise. Aerobic. Other outlets.. hiking in fresh air... swimming. There are so many rewarding things you can do alone that might actually attract others to you, by subtle changes you will make over time.
And work on smiling. Just smile. Your muscles are linked pretty intimately with the brain... even when you fake a smile that region/those regions that would be involved with you naturally smiling are going to light up, and it should have some positive effect.. . or so I have heard, and it does seem right. Exercise that way. So many ways, no one magic bullet.
You need to find happiness in yourself. You need to be a reason for happiness in others (don't depend on finding rocks in the stream, be the rock in the stream)-(or let go and float down stream/relax)--(both). You've had it rough, and that gives you an advantage. You know certain darkness in a way that might have benefit for society, even if you're just another flap of a butterfly's wings. Try to stay positive. Believe me though, I'm a hypocrite about half of the time for everything I say... so don't think I'm faking it. I'm choosing light. I...
oh, this was about you, wasn't it?
I'm not a professional though. Just a guy thinking and trying to please himself. I just don't want you to think I think I am (a prof or whatever), because I guess I do care about what you think about me, and I hope I can be of benefit. It's genetic in part, the expression of this trait. Sometimes very self defeating (it would seem), though...
...what others think.
