I am Completely Alienated, Downtrodden and Have No-one -- I Think the End is Near

[DeadLife]

seek psychiatric counseling

I'll see a psychologist next year. If he or she thinks it's necessary for me to see a psychiatrist, I will do so. But you didn't answer the question in my last post: How (then) are strangers noticing me when I'm driving around in my car. They don't notice my gait when I'm behind the wheel...

Incidentally, was that remark of yours intended as a jibe at me, or was it genuine?

 

[DeadLife]

the whole thing sounds like prison made an already paranoid mentality go over the edge into one of intense mistrust and an anti everyone attitude that now warps the OP's perception to a degree where everything is about him.

if the OP is trying to justify unjustifiable anger then the best way to do this is to think the world is against him when maybe it doesn't give a shit what he does. let go of the anger...

Perhaps my years in prison have warped me. I was often living on edge during my years spent incarcerated. I don't know, though. But I do know this: I now have a lot more problems with average Joe on the street than I did with the shot caller in the cell block.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

How the hell would anyone here KNOW why everyone is out to get your magic bag? It sounds like your perceptions might be altered from reality. Genuine remark. It is the advice I gave in my original post.

 

[DeadLife]

How the hell would anyone here KNOW why everyone is out to get your magic bag? It sounds like your perceptions might be altered from reality. Genuine remark. It is the advice I gave in my original post.

Nobody would know. (Even a psychologist wouldn't know, since I'm just feeding him or her my experiences. They haven't walked in my shoes and can't walk in my shoes.) I was just hoping that with all the information I've provided, someone on here would be able to come up with an answer(s), or at least provide me with some insight.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

yeah that you are not right in the head and have legit reasons to be that way
I am glad you have an appointment with a therapist to get you on your way to a the healthy thought track

 

[DeadLife]

yeah that you are not right in the head and have legit reasons to be that way

Excuse me?!

 

[Lysis]

PI is trying to tell you what a lot of people are saying. You need to see a psychiatrist. You have mental issues that no one here can help with or give "insight." Lets put it this way, no strangers are recognizing you in your car. It sounds like everywhere you go you think people are talking about you, and that just does not make sense. You said you live in a large town, so it's not like you committed a crime and everyone knows who you are.

You really need to see someone.

You seem to also be rejecting any "insight" that most people are telling you. It seems like you want someone to tell you that everyone is out to get you, and you're not getting that, because it's not true.

 

[psytaco]

I have to agree with others in that what your experiencing seems like paranoia rather than people making obnoxious remarks at you. particularly with the whole car thing (ie. the women, and thinking those whom have stopped near you are talking about you). Honestly, most people dont waste their time talking about or making comments on people that they dont know. why would they, your not in their life so your not important to them? The fact that your getting quite offended at posts made on here which for the most part, had no derogatory intent.

Now it seems to me like you could have PPD or maybe even paranoid delusions. I can imagine prison did not help this, or maybe triggered this. ie. because you would have to be on guard alot and watch your back due to other inmates.

I too would recommend going to see a psychologist/psychiatrist. Good luck with all of this, and I hope that things work out for you

 

[pofacedhoe]

psychiatrist- WORD!

 

[StrutterGear]

Sorry, but if you get into a fist fight and take it to the next level, pull out a gun and shoot someone 6 times because of it, yes, you do have an issue. I can't believe people are actually blowing it off like it's not a big deal. I sure as shit would not hang around such a person, but I'm also not someone who could ever pull out a gun on someone.

Only on BL do we try to make shooting people and kiddie diddling OK. lol

Until you've been in the position where you've ended up in hospital, getting jumped by a good 2 dozen people, then you can make that comment. I never said it's "not a big thing" but we weren't there to see what happened. What he did 7 years ago is neither here nor there. My mates have blown enemies to bits in Afghanistan, does that make them bad people?

EDIT :: Sorry if I'm coming off rude here; I in no way condone what this guy did but we werent there so we have no real idea of what happened. He paid his penance.

 

[twentysix]

i believe it's going both ways. some people touched on it.

Dead is wrong in assuming that it's "the world's fault"... although that's one way of looking at things it's basically stripping him, stripping you- Dead, of control. You're basically accepting defeat.

Your time spent incarcerated definitely has something to do with this.

Hell, I had only the beginnings of anxiety/social anxiety and paranoia before I was arrested for pot... and after I was arrested, although it was a pretty small offense... I became really anxious. I felt like "everyone" thought I was a bad guy, or stupid for getting caught... I can't really explain but it was like this made things a lot worse for me. I went through a pretty rough period. My life's been really screwed up/my health has been screwed up... and I can't really pin actual causes.


But I don't know.. DeadLife... I don't know what to tell you. Insight? "it's a little bit of both"... in that your problems with society are of course part you and part "them". One thing you might do, if you haven't (I try), to find peace, is to drop expectations, and realize that although you're experience is very unique to yourself, and you feel targeted... people around you are fighting that exact same thing in their own ways, very likely.. on different levels.

You might be making it easier for them, too, by looking to them. One thing that keeps coming to mind... how do you know they're looking at you, Etc... unless you're looking at them??? That could be one thing.. you're looking at them, bro.. you're nervous.. you've been broken.. by yourself/society it's all the same!... and you're in ways calling out for help, like you've done here. But people see you looking at them, and perhaps I don't know.. i don't know how you're looking at them.. but maybe they just don't know what to make of it. Maybe their reaction is more "what? why? what do you want? i don't know you. stop looking at me."

I don't know.

I just know that although people are capable of doing what you say, there is more likely something wrong with you- and I don't mean that in a bad way, and you know that... than society is really out to get you. And I don't mean it's something to get upset over. Hell.. I can't eat. There's really something wrong with me. I literally cannot eat hardly anything anymore without feeling sick (food allergies to just about everything, that i know of.) I was eating hemp seeds.. hemp seeds only, for a few months and those treated me the best, but right now I can't be sure that they're not also making me sick. I'm fucked up. I'm beyond help (at least currently). I'm completely alone in the world. I can't date. My family thinks I'm exaggerating everything. My father tells me to "eat real food", seemingly himself tired of my "picky eating". Absolute stupidity and no compassion. They have no fucking idea. Now I can continue on this path and be pissed off at others, or I can pull a Jesus and say "forgive them, (higher consciousness), they know not..."

be the hero. be your own hero. find your sense of humor. when you drive stop looking at other drivers so much. like i said if you see them seeing you... uhh.. you're looking too, and people just simply react.. like "uhhh" and might make a face.. if they're younger say early 20s riding together, or teens.. you know, they're just "stupid".. they're just being stupid they're feeding off of one another and yea they might be making fun of you. don't take it personally.

i really don't know what to say, but i know at times i've felt what you seem to be getting, at least in some quantity i have... people chuckling about the way I was walking after being on E for a day, with tons of other problems. living for years with an undiagnosed milk allergy as well which is known cause in some people schizophrenia like symptoms. food allergies can be behind a lot of things, and my life was basically ruined from an early age by them. i got by, and had some pretty normal times, at times (in between lots of infections of my ears), aside from being "weird" in general, which i can't blame on anything really. but i know that later on when it got worse- when my symptoms started to show more, as they laid hidden for years... when these symptoms started to show more, i lost friends. i withdrew. people that i used to talk to, that used to seek me out for advice and for fun and friendship... stopped doing it. girls that i used to talk to because of my sudden mumbling and ... difficulty in life that i can't explain, turned to each other and shook their heads, giving up. it really hurt at the time, but now, i can't blame them. i really can't. everyone's got their own life to live, and i think they just assumed i had smoked too much marijuana or done too much acid, or it effected me weird, or what.. but .. i have no conclusion to my bits.


i don't know. you can see i'm rather fucked- myself..

i feel like a cartoon character trying to crawl up a cartoon water-fall. irl one can't crawl up a waterfall, but in a cartoon i think you know the image i'm getting.



advice for you? fake it. as they say, fake it until you make it/some headway..

smile

stop paying attention to other people when you're out, so much. don't be rude to those you need to interact with... force a smile.. a small one...

what got me by was forcing a "tense" smile.. that seemed to help. just doing something with my face... acting occupied... turned into being occupied, and genuine smiles at times.

your awkward gait.... do you exercise? run? i notice i am more self conscious in general when i haven't been at all active. you say you're built well, but i don't remember reading about exercise.. other than weight lifting. but that in itself could cause a more stiff gait...


about people really calling you retard kid or autistic kid... as much as that i know probably gets to you... and my saying this doesn't help... don't let it get to you. that's their own karma to deal with.

like you said, i think.. you want to get to the point where you're not relying on others for your own well-being and everything. maybe try meditation? maybe keep journaling? maybe listen to your angels, or God? (if you believe in that?)


as crazy as i am for doing so, i tend to write... a lot... every day.. much of the time just to myself in files that i don't save. they go on and on and on for days and i use it as sort of a feedback system then i delete it without a thought. i become the audience as i write my thoughts... my advisers.

it's like i'm reporting on a lot of things. how i acted at the store.. how a girl acted toward me... how i basically felt around others that day... why i feel i'm improving in some way. how am i strong, and how am i weak? what did i eat that day that might contribute to feeling well, or bad? eating such and such food makes me anxious. eating this makes me irritable.


i don't know. i probably didn't help you.

 

[footscrazy]

You might be making it easier for them, too, by looking to them. One thing that keeps coming to mind... how do you know they're looking at you, Etc... unless you're looking at them??? That could be one thing.. you're looking at them, bro.. you're nervous.. you've been broken.. by yourself/society it's all the same!... and you're in ways calling out for help, like you've done here. But people see you looking at them, and perhaps I don't know.. i don't know how you're looking at them.. but maybe they just don't know what to make of it. Maybe their reaction is more "what? why? what do you want? i don't know you. stop looking at me."

I think this is on the right track. Most people are very aware, subconsciously or not, of other people looking at them. It's a normal instinctual reaction to notice when someone looks in your direction, and look back. Your brain is always scanning your environment, mostly subconsciously, until it picks up something that may be important, such as someone looking in your direction. I think this is all that's happening to the other people when they look at you. They're sensing you looking at them, so reflexively they're looking back. I think that's exactly what's happening with your example of the people in the car -

Having said what I did in the above three paragraphs, however, I still feel that it's usually directed at me. I mean, for instance, when I stop at traffic lights and there's a car with two occupants in the front, one of whom has her lips twisted in contempt and is mouthing something inaudible off, I think it's safe to assume that it's about me. Because often when I drive by such people, they don't refrain from breaking eye contact; they'll continue snarling at me and their lips will still be moving all the while.

She was having a conversation with the other occupant which is why she had the negative face, it was nothing to do with you, she's just noticed you looking at her so she's looked back while continuing the conversation. I really do think the negative facial expression and the look at you were unrelated.

 

[Mel22]

Again, I was pissed off but decided it's better not to confront two women in an empty, dark parking lot... if I got angry and realized that there aren't any cameras or witnesses around... well, I might have done something stupid.

That is scary, and definitely indicates that you are in need of psychiatric care for the safety of not only yourself, but of those around you also. When you see your psych, I highly recommend printing this thread off and giving it to him/her to read.

In relation to the slander and abuse you feel you have been subjected to: IMO, it does certainly sound as though you are suffering from paranoid delusions to some extent. I know this may not seem to be the case from your perspective, but it is so difficult to see it when you are experiencing it so vividly and so persistently. It just really is the most logical explanation for what you have outlined here.

I genuinely hope you seek help, and that it works for you. There is a chance that you can go on to live a fulfilling and productive life, but you certainly have some work to do in order to achieve that.

Good luck with everything, and feel free to PM if you feel like a chat.

 

[DeadLife]

She was having a conversation with the other occupant which is why she had the negative face, it was nothing to do with you, she's just noticed you looking at her so she's looked back while continuing the conversation. I really do think the negative facial expression and the look at you were unrelated.

Then what about earlier tonight, for instance: I was driving around in a parking lot and there was one 30-year-old walking by herself towards her car (I assume). I looked at her, and she looked at me. Then her mouth became twisted in an unmistakenly contemptuous way and she mouthed 3 words to me. Pissed off, I hit the breaks and slammed my car in reverse and followed her for a distance. She started walking a hell of a lot faster and entered her car with great haste. I think she realized that I knew she was running me down, hence why she became startled when I followed her a short distance.

I didn't hear what she said, but since her mouth was contorted contemptuously, it's safe to assume it was something negative. As I wrote, there was nobody else with her, so the words were directed at me.

Anyway, this shit it getting too weird. I've had enough of it. I'll see the psychologist next year and hear what he or she thinks about all this business.

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

 

[DeadLife]

That is scary, and definitely indicates that you are in need of psychiatric care for the safety of not only yourself, but of those around you also. When you see your psych, I highly recommend printing this thread off and giving it to him/her to read.

In relation to the slander and abuse you feel you have been subjected to: IMO, it does certainly sound as though you are suffering from paranoid delusions to some extent. I know this may not seem to be the case from your perspective, but it is so difficult to see it when you are experiencing it so vividly and so persistently. It just really is the most logical explanation for what you have outlined here.

I genuinely hope you seek help, and that it works for you. There is a chance that you can go on to live a fulfilling and productive life, but you certainly have some work to do in order to achieve that.

Good luck with everything, and feel free to PM if you feel like a chat.

Thanks. I actually hope that it's "all in my head." But I'm skeptical as to whether that's actually the case. Despite my skepticism, I will see a psychologist next year.

 

[badandwicked]

I looked at her, and she looked at me. Then her mouth became twisted in an unmistakenly contemptuous way and she mouthed 3 words to me. Pissed off, I hit the breaks and slammed my car in reverse and followed her for a distance. She started walking a hell of a lot faster and entered her car with great haste. I think she realized that I knew she was running me down, hence why she became startled when I followed her a short distance.

If I was in a bad mood and walking through a parking lot and a driver drove past me, looking me up and down and (in my head) mentally undressing me in a pervy way, I'd probably mutter 'fuck off asshole'. How do you know that's not what was going on in her head, how she interpreted the situation? To slam the car in reverse and follow her on the basis of an imagined scenario is really threatening behaviour, and not OK at all.

I didn't hear what she said, but since her mouth was contorted contemptuously, it's safe to assume it was something negative

You do a lot of assuming don't you? And it's never safe to assume.

You need to seek help sooner rather than later - uncontrollable rage has ended you in prison once and nearly lost someone their life, you don't need it to happen again. I'm no shrink but it would seem you're at high risk of a repeat offence if you don't get help.

 

[pofacedhoe]

i was driving around in a parking lot and there was one 30-year-old walking by herself towards her car (i assume). I looked at her, and she looked at me. Then her mouth became twisted in an unmistakenly contemptuous way and she mouthed 3 words to me. Pissed off, i hit the breaks and slammed my car in reverse and followed her for a distance. .

not normal behaviour

anger management issues big time

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

scary

 

[artic]

People are much more wrapped up in their own shit than in yours. The safest assumption is that they are talking about someone else. Honestly, it is fucking stupid, but a lot of people use words like "freak" and "retard" all the time to put down others or when talking about people. Even if they are talking about you, they are just talking shit because of their own insecurities. At this point you have done all you can, and it isn't worth your time to worry about those people. Focus on you and your shit, not theirs. Keep writing, start a journal, and work on anything else that is productive and healthy and self expressive as much as possible. If you feel you can't control yourself then please seek professional help. You don't want to end up back inside on some shit that could have been avoided.

@ Lysis:
I used to be a pacifist. The nicest guy you would ever meet. I wouldn't have killed someone if my own life depended on it. Believe me, anyone can be made into a killer. All it takes is half a decade of a very specific kind of psychological torture to turn someone cold blooded. The only reason I haven't killed is because in the rare instances when I wanted to I wasn't armed. I have come back from a very dark place and come to my own conclusions that killing for any reason other than self defense is unacceptable. It should never be about your ego or vanity or pride, or even about getting that motherfucker who kicked your ass. I do, however, understand how powerful those forces can be once they have been stripped from you. I have seen the edge, and don't judge those who have crossed it nearly as harshly as I once did. For the record, karma is a bitch and a half. That guy that kicked MY ass is dead now, but not by my hand. He developed a heroin addiction that killed him in three short years. I couldn't feel better about it.

 

[twentysix]

Thanks. I actually hope that it's "all in my head." But I'm skeptical as to whether that's actually the case. Despite my skepticism, I will see a psychologist next year.

I need to say that I don't think it's "all in your head", you know... but it mostly is. People are reacting to you, perhaps... and perhaps in ways that they would not if you weren't unhealthy... Once you sort your stuff out, as it's said... so will everything else, be sorted out (more or less... you know. it will get better.)

I'm not sure about how to make friends. I just assume anymore that friends happened because it was convenient, and it's not really convenient anymore. I accept many people as "temporary friends" and I see that if it were convenient, if they lived next door to me when I was growing up, I'd probably be just as good of friends with them as I was to my own random friends that lived next door to me growing up. Sometimes it makes me sad that I'm not actually sharing this with them, but the truth is, life is a lot lighter than we make it out to be. They're all just like you. And friends.. much of it's like a contract. Even the best of friends will screw you over (and it won't even be personal, because they never really cared about you in the first place, just the way they felt around you/confiding in you etc), so you need to be your own best friend, and "love" others unconditionally (which always involves forgiveness, as we're human.. for them and for you). That's the best I can tell you, in that area. People really want to be great to one another, and to have excellence in their lives.. all around them. But that's just a goal. In respects, we're all completely alone in this world, and in respects, not even our own parents love us the way we assume they do. Sometimes that makes love stronger, because people stick with us despite. (favors in life, love.) We rule some with head and some with heart. Where the heart fails, if we have a good head.. it takes over or tries to fill in the space. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes we don't have a good head, though, for a number of reasons. .. and sometimes not such a "good" heart, of course. Maybe it's hurt. (really the only case).

we all got our heads smashed coming into this world... and then our ass got slapped.
we're all going to be hurt.

i guess stop assuming people are out to get you, and more accept them as damaged, and worthy of forgiveness and your compassion. compassion not only opens the door to others, but to yourself. ....blahblahblah. ha. you know?

People are much more wrapped up in their own shit than in yours.

qft

never take things personally... even if it's meant that way.