How to leave an addict

[Fightingback123]

Hey guys I'm still having a difficult time leaving my boyfriend I've stuck by for 10 years. He is an on and off again heroin addict. I recently found out he has been using heroin for daily several times a day from what I can tell for now the last 7 months but probably longer thats just when I found out. He holds a good job, works all the time, pays rent on time so I didn't really notice he was back at it again right away partially because I was in denial and because he does do alot he's not nodding off on the couch all day or anything like he was once upon a time. This is embarrassing but I've actually resorted to spying on him and trying to be my own detective starting in October last year because I just had to know and see for myself versus assuming.¹

He completely denied having any sort of issue at all. He says he has relapsed a few times but thats not true its every day. Anyway I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time leaving. I just love him so much, but seriously I can't live my life like this anymore. Me spying, he lying to me all the time, using on our own home. I can't talk to him about it anything or my feelings or anything real about it because he won't even admit its an issue. I know he loves me too which I guess is more of his motivation to lie to me. I just can't take it, I want him to stop so bad wo we can be happy... I feel so sad leaving because it's not what I want. What I want is him to get better. The best thing is probably for me to file child support so he has less money and leave so he can finally realize how this is affecting his life. I can't understand how he is so casual about it like it's a cup of coffee. He assumes I don't know what's really going on but I know everything... he just can't figure out why I'm mad and or sad all the time. He thinks he can do this and also have a perfect family life. What so u guys think? Tips?

 

[Jabberwocky]

please put yourself first. you know you want to leave him so do it. you deserve better than to be lied to and not be listened to. while using he is not emotionally available. i didn't get why people were worried/pissed when i was using, its just not possible to understand these things when you have the wall between you and reality that heroin helps you build.

you can't make him stop unfrotunately so the best thing you can do is limit the impact it has on you.

the situation is untenable and it is actually best for both of you, the longer he thinks he can have a normal family life and do this, the longer he'll have no impetus to change.

it will be really hard at first but must also come as a relief. just go, tell him you're going to find a new place and you're over. he's had enough chances. you don't owe him an explanation. if he's being difficult, find somewhere else to stay while looking for your own place.

 

[December Flower]

Having had a lot of contact to opioid/heroin addicts, I've learned that you will always be second to the heroin. The heroin is always the highest priority in an active addiction.

It's not their fault, really, it's just that these GABA drugs really play with your entire chemistry. In an active addiction with ongoing dependance it's not a "wanting heroin", it's not a "needing heroin", it's like an instinctive reflex to take it. Not taking it would be a feeling similar to holding your breath only you don't die or pass out from it. It's so sneaky on the mind, too, it really changes the way people think and talk about the heroin. It's like they're having a relationship with it.

I've lost 2 friends to this shit, probably 3 soon the way things are going. I hope you can resolve this with the best result for both of you, but please put yourself first. You're torturing yourself Hang in there!

 

[Fightingback123]

Thanks everyone for the responses thus far. Its crazy because sometimes I think to myself today is going to be the day it stops and like ill actually believe it for a second. Your exactly right I am literally torturing myself by staying. I recently realized he doesn't even know how much this affects me and sadly he may never know not for many years and after being sober I don't think. I think it will come as a relief because being sober myself I can't figure out my normalcy in this situation there is no normal life. There is no happy home. Thats what makes me the most angry I think. Him walking about thinking life is just great he's doing nothing that couple possibly affect anyone negatively and he actually believes it. I guess that is the drug meanwhile im so stressed out. I think the longer I stay the more anger I will have toward him versus leaving. I'm just so grateful for this place on bullfight for assistance and advice from people who have or are going through it. I don't know why I have such a tie to someone who has caused me SO much agony because of their addiction. You always hope for the best I guess. I don't understand how he can like go to work like this and all that like how is that even possible. People tell me work is his motivation because it pays for it.

 

[December Flower]

Thanks everyone for the responses thus far. Its crazy because sometimes I think to myself today is going to be the day it stops and like ill actually believe it for a second. Your exactly right I am literally torturing myself by staying. I recently realized he doesn't even know how much this affects me and sadly he may never know not for many years and after being sober I don't think. I think it will come as a relief because being sober myself I can't figure out my normalcy in this situation there is no normal life. There is no happy home. Thats what makes me the most angry I think. Him walking about thinking life is just great he's doing nothing that couple possibly affect anyone negatively and he actually believes it. I guess that is the drug meanwhile im so stressed out. I think the longer I stay the more anger I will have toward him versus leaving. I'm just so grateful for this place on bullfight for assistance and advice from people who have or are going through it. I don't know why I have such a tie to someone who has caused me SO much agony because of their addiction. You always hope for the best I guess. I don't understand how he can like go to work like this and all that like how is that even possible. People tell me work is his motivation because it pays for it.

I've heard/read about people doing much crazier stuff than just work for their addiction. As I said, the heroin comes first, as does making sure it keeps coming.

You might actually be doing him a favor, by at least pausing the relationship. He might finally take your feelings into account and look at what he's doing, maybe. Hard to tell, Heroin really seems to be having an incredible grip on people's minds and hearts. My late friend, he tried quitting so often, and then he would just go through post acutal withdrawal, feeling so depressed and miserable. I've heard it said that "Stopping Heroin is like losing a loved one", like it feels like someone you love more than anything died.

Hitting rock bottom seems to be the only way out of the addiction, but it's also really dangerous, because some just dive deeper into the Heroin.

I really hope you'll find your happiness again.
Give yourself at least a break, make him know that something is wrong, maybe you could go to a friend's for a weekend? Give him time to think and to choose you over his addiction, I hope

 

[JessFR]

He won't stop so long as there's a way to continue.

I've never been in your position, I've been on the other side, being the addict in the relationship. But not the reverse.

I think you should make it very clear that they can have their drug, or you, but not both. Chances are he wants both and his addiction will try to make him find a way to get both so don't give him any room to think there's a way to have both cause that's what he'll be drawn too.

Assuming you want to stay with him, and it sounds like you're in love with him so I assume you do, you can tell him you'll stay if he gets help, like a substitution program, rehab, whatever.

But if he isn't prepared to do that yet, your only option left that I can see is to leave.

Something you should probably be very aware of though, even if he does decide to get serious about getting off heroin, this will probably be always something he's prone to falling back into.

 

[cosmic charlie]

Hey guys I'm still having a difficult time leaving my boyfriend I've stuck by for 10 years. He is an on and off again heroin addict. I recently found out he has been using heroin for daily several times a day from what I can tell for now the last 7 months but probably longer thats just when I found out. He holds a good job, works all the time, pays rent on time so I didn't really notice he was back at it again right away partially because I was in denial and because he does do alot he's not nodding off on the couch all day or anything like he was once upon a time. This is embarrassing but I've actually resorted to spying on him and trying to be my own detective starting in October last year because I just had to know and see for myself versus assuming.¹

He completely denied having any sort of issue at all. He says he has relapsed a few times but thats not true its every day. Anyway I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time leaving. I just love him so much, but seriously I can't live my life like this anymore. Me spying, he lying to me all the time, using on our own home. I can't talk to him about it anything or my feelings or anything real about it because he won't even admit its an issue. I know he loves me too which I guess is more of his motivation to lie to me. I just can't take it, I want him to stop so bad wo we can be happy... I feel so sad leaving because it's not what I want. What I want is him to get better. The best thing is probably for me to file child support so he has less money and leave so he can finally realize how this is affecting his life. I can't understand how he is so casual about it like it's a cup of coffee. He assumes I don't know what's really going on but I know everything... he just can't figure out why I'm mad and or sad all the time. He thinks he can do this and also have a perfect family life. What so u guys think? Tips?

You leaving may be what it takes for him to get clean. I was Heroin addiction for twenty years and when my girlfriend left me a few months ago it was so devastating cuz she means the world to me and im deeply in love with her. And what it did was make me finally quit and I've been off Heroin for almost two months now its amazing. I'm on Methadone and it's keeping me stable and the pain in my back in check. Have you spoke with him about maybe going on Maintenance or something. But yeah I mean like I said her leaving was so incredibly painful and it made me realize I need to change because she is way more important to me than Dope, her love is priceless as im sure yours is to. Sometimes we get stuck in the cycle and it's not a matter of him not loving you, maybe Methadone can help save his life...

 

[JessFR]

Keep in mind though, it might not happen right away, it might not happen at all.

When I lost my relationship I just got even further into heroin for about a year before finally things were bad enough for me to get serious about stopping.

Don't expect things to just suddenly get better and stay better. If you wanna keep this relationship, his habits probably gonna continue to be an issue for a long time. Maybe the rest of his life.

That doesn't mean he might not get clean or get stable on maintenance therapy, it doesn't mean you might not have years of having a stable relationship. It just means, it probably won't ever entirely go away. It'll always be a source of concern.

Id imagine it's a lot like being in a relationship with someone who has a chronic illness. Even at its best there are periods of remission, but it never entirely goes away.

If you love him you might decide that it's still worth it to try so long as he's trying. I certainly would. I'm just trying to be realistic about what you can expect. Assuming he decides to get help.

 

[Fightingback123]

Congratulations Shadowcat that is great news. I'm glad it ended up being a good thing for you. Does your girlfriend now struggle with trusting you or if your not doing anything maybe she sees there is no reason not to trust. My trust has been broken so many times with this...all the times I have believed him in the past I later find are lies. He guards his phone with his life and has an excuse for everything. He has been on methadone since I have known him minus the one time he went to jail but relapsed upon getting out. He is on 35 mg now I believe which is low from what I've heard. He recently told me he has no plans to increase it. He has always used while taking the methadone no matter the dosage of it. I don't know why he's not allowing it to do its job or what exactly is going on with doing both the h and methadone? He has no veins left and has a huge wound in his arm that he tries to shoot up in. Dont ask how I know these things. Last summer he spent two weeks in the hospital for an infection near his heart.

I do understand that recovery is not linear and there will be ups and downs hopefully more ups...but I'm starting to feel like we have never entered the recovery phase. I think he believes because he has a job and does x,y, and z that he doesn't have an issue. I realize finally that this is a lifelong thing he may suffer from, but I need him to realize and admit 1- that he has a problem, 2 - work on it dedicate everything to it, then 3 - rebuild all the broken trust. If he were willing to do those things maybe I would stay I don't know...but we are so far from that because right now he won't even admit he has an issue. If he could get serious about sobriety maybe I would stay but that is not where we are and as you all know this is his decision not anyone else's.

 

[JessFR]

You may have to leave before he gets serious about it unfortunately.

35mg is not a large dose of methadone at all. It's pretty much right on the starting dose. I used to be on that while also using too.

No doubt he has his reasons and his reasoning. But the point is that you aren't dealing with it at all. And he needs to start to appreciate how he's hurting you.

I don't know how you get him to really take this seriously other than to leave. And even that may not be enough.

Things had to get reaaaaaallly bad for me before I was ready to try and seriously get away from heroin. I had to pretty much lose everything.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Do you REALLY love him? If so, you will stick by him and help him through this.

If you don't love him, then leave him. Don't use his addiction as an excuse.

 

[JessFR]

Do you REALLY love him? If so, you will stick by him and help him through this.

If you don't love him, then leave him. Don't use his addiction as an excuse.

I don't think that's helping anyone.

This guy needs help. And if he's not prepared to get it yet, just waiting around and suffering from his behavior isn't gonna make anything better.

I'm a firm believer in love and sticking together. But sometimes you gotta make some distance in the hopes that it ultimately brings you further together.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I don't think that's helping anyone.

This guy needs help. And if he's not prepared to get it yet, just waiting around and suffering from his behavior isn't gonna make anything better.

I'm a firm believer in love and sticking together. But sometimes you gotta make some distance in the hopes that it ultimately brings you further together.

"Further together?" :D

Yeh, he needs help. But you and I both know that no-one can make you get help - it has to come from within. The OP said herself that he "holds a good job, works all the time, pays rent on time". Leaving him now may just tip him over the edge...

 

[JessFR]

"Further together?" :D

Yeh, he needs help. But you and I both know that no-one can make you get help - it has to come from within. The OP said herself that he "holds a good job, works all the time, pays rent on time". Leaving him now may just tip him over the edge...

Yes it has to come from within. But reaching that point doesn't happen in isolation from the rest of your life.

Yes, leaving now might tip him over the edge, and that may or may not ultimately be a good thing. But it's worth remembering that there's also a real danger when trying to help someone in trouble that you repeatedly do nothing because of the "what ifs". "what if forcing my loved one into rehab/hospital for drugs/depression ultimately makes things worse?". We tend to have a bias against risks that involve action against the risks from inaction.

And the danger from doing nothing is not zero. He's already been hospitalized for an infection or something. Endocarditis is hardly uncommon among heroin addicts and it can kill. On top of risks from shit like fentanyl. Hep-c too.

And I know from when I was the addict in a relationship, I'd have taken any justification to keep using or to try and have my drug AND my relationship.

In the end I essentially lost both. Maybe if my ex had left me sooner before as much damage had been done things might have ultimately been different?

I don't know, you could go over these hypotheticals endlessly. We aren't gods and we don't know everything that might happen.

But right now he's using, his using is hurting the OP enough that she (I presume) is considering leaving. Leaving will reduce that suffering and hopefully get him to realize he had to decide what really matters to him and can't keep trying to have both.

That's my thinking anyway. And I think I'd have ultimately been better off if I hadn't been under any addiction induced delusions that I could keep my then BF AND my habit.

 

[Fightingback123]

Lots of good dialog here. I do love him, I feel it stating to lessen because I've been mentally pulling away to protect myself and prepare for leaving because that for me its incredibly difficult if any of that makes sense. I do feel a seed of hate being planted but I know its not right because he is sick. At the same token I know he can beat this.

If I love him I will stick with him through this but that is what I feel like I've been doing the last decade. I can't do this forever when the other person can't even have a dialog with me about it because he is in complete denial and truly believes I know nothing of what goes on and notice nothing.

I want to help him more but its very difficult and I don't really know what to do anymore. I do believe in him and that he can kick this but first he has to want to for himself. I try to talk to him. I told him I would support him if he got help etc.. but things escalate he gets very defensive and denies everything. Lately he hounds me about stimulus money etc telling me how greedy I am for wanting to save it...but I don't want him to use it for drugs and I feel so unstable.

Then there's the financial burden I'm trying to save for our future meanwhile he's blowing money on this... I work work work and pay bills and he is spending his like water.. I'm now intimate with him anymore because I'm tired of being lied to my face all the time. I'm worried about my health too.. I feel like this problem is just so huge.

I can stick by him if he gets help. I understand this will always be a struggle but I wish I could be a support person he can come to when he's thinking of going back assuming he gets sober.

I have to admit I'm getting angry over time now because I want to for once come first. I'm so lonely...whe. he does have time for me he gets high and falls asleep. He wants to use and then come to me and talk about the weather and groceries and all I want to talk about is how he can get well but your right...I'm doing nothing and its not good for anyone either. I'm angry we are still back at square one you know its like there has never been a break from it a true period of sobriety where we are actually doing good.

It wasn't until last year that I realized myself I have been in denial of what he does because I couldn't deal with the truth and now that i stopped lying to myself and see what is really going on I've been obsessed with tracking his moves and stuck not nowing what to do.

I recently found his phone too and found all evidence I can actually confront him with. I did and of course denies all. Huge fight where he left for two weeks but now we are pretending like all is well because he can't see whats wrong.

Im not perfect, I don't expect him to be perfect but I just expect him to try. I know there is nothing I can do maybe leaving will help or hurt him I don't know, but living like this is very difficult for me. Does anyone have any tips on how to try talking to him again to see if I can get him to open up about anything or get help? Sigh.

I don't understand what the pull is with this. Wishing everyone health and happiness.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do you REALLY love him? If so, you will stick by him and help him through this.

If you don't love him, then leave him. Don't use his addiction as an excuse.

my 2c on this.

my boyfriend moved back from australia, where he had a fucking great life, to get back together with me. but i got bad on the light in the 8 months it took for him to move so i basically didn't give a shit by the time he got here. just got in the way of my using.

he left after 5 months. it was a relief for both of us. if he'd have stayed longer given the state i was in, the relationship would have been unsalvageable. it almost was anyway, he was in two minds whether to cut off all contact. because he left then he was prepared to be there for me when i got to rehab. it was fucking hard, he was angry and upset, understandably. there's probably a lot of uncomfortable conversations he'd like that i'm still not prepared to do.

but staying would have been bad for him. ffs he either accidentally or on purpose took a suicidal cocktail of drugs one night. i called him an ambulance, got all my drugs together and left him in the hands of my housemate.

so it is possible, and in my case it was definitely for the best, to leave before bridges are burnt completely, then when the other half is actually sorting their shit out, make a go of things again.

 

[Fightingback123]

Thank you chinup. Each day I feel continually betrayed. I totally get what you mean about the bridge totally burning vs possibly saving something. I'm glad he was able to try and be there for you when you were ready. I just want him to admit he has a problem so bad and that what he is doing is messed up. I'm sorry everyone for the back and forth on this. It's just really nice to get it off my chest and bounce around thoughts. It is a difficult issue loving someone and not wanting to leave but almost like being forced to or choose to stay in their lifestyle.

 

[Jabberwocky]

don't apologise for anything!! the entire point of this subforum is so that people can have open discussions and get feedback from different people about issues around addiction.

he isn't betraying you on purpose, but unfortunately you are collateral damage in his addiction. he probably has moments of lucidity where he feels awful about what he's doing to you, but that's not enough to stop.

maybe you leaving will be a catalyst for some introspection for him, but what we do know is that you staying isn't doing both of you any favours. it perpetuates his denial while destroying your mental health. you can be straight up with him that the door is open if he gets clean and wants to try again.

i would also try and get some counselling yourself around this because it clearly has had an extremely negative impact on you and it may help to resolve some of the guilt and frustration you are feeling.

 

[JessFR]

I loved my exbf so much. He was the first person I had ever been in love with. And remains so today.

But I still heroin first. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to put heroin ahead of him. But that's what I did.

When you're in active addiction, your mind finds ways to justify ways to keep using. You wanna have your drug. You feel like you "need" to keep using no matter what and all other life priorities come second. Even if you don't wanna believe that's what you're doing.

That's what it was like for me. And personally I wish my BF had left me sooner. Instead of giving me more chances to screw up.

If he'd told me he was done sooner. Told me he wouldn't stay with me. I'd have ended up homeless sooner. I'd have ended up in the street sooner begging for money, prostituting myself, whatever I had to do.

And then, presumably I'd have finally had enough and decided to get help sooner. And at that point. I wouldn't have so irreparably damaged our relationship that he might have been willing to give it another try.

I'm not your BF, you're not my ex. I can't make any promises about what will happen if you do this or that.

I can say with a lot of experience that the vast majority of heroin addicts will use their loved ones if they get half a chance. They will put their drug first even if they don't wanna believe that's what they're doing or what they'd do.

When you're in an active addiction it's like you're in a constant fight with another version of yourself. One that's completely corrupt and will screw over everyone and anyone to get what they want. That will lie and scheme and cheat and make you realize that you had no idea what you were capable of.

I wish you the best. I really hope you guys can find a way through this. But I think things will most likely have to get a lot worse for him before he gets really serious about changing.

Unfortunately for myself losing my relationship wasn't enough. It hurt... a lot. But in the end I just got together with another guy, one who was a fellow heroin addict who I could keep using with. And we were together for nearly a year while we dragged each other down and destroyed everything else in our lives other than our habit. Until I finally got serious about quitting heroin.

 

[Fightingback123]

Thank you for understanding. This has had a huge negative impact on my mental health in trying to navigate this really on my own. You guys have been the most help. I'm learning alot about myself on the way...like the fact that I have been in denial most of our relationship that this has been going on because I did and do believe in him and because I knew I couldn't handle knowing the truth I guess. I've learned while some people would of left a long time ago.. I'm really struggling in doing so and letting go. I feel. Bad for leaving. It hurts you know I have confronted him so many times and before I got really sneaky (and confirmed what was going on) he really did make me feel like I was crazy for thinking that he was using. When he is home I will stand by the bathroom door and try to hear every sound. I've invested SO much of my time and energy into it. Some days I feel completely drained because I've exerted so much into this battle. I try to talk to him often he hates it. It always escalates very quickly even tho I always go in with a positive attitude and hopeful. I haven't like given him any ultimatums or anything maybe I will once I confirm what to do so its actually something I can follow through with.