Fuuuuuck you sound like someone I used to know. Why would you even date someone that narrow minded? I can't understand it. But i'm a bit stubborn and wouldn't really change myself for someone.
Its sad though, I've barely explored drugs before i've had to make a retreat. I've always been prone to being introspective, but I've always had quite a love of life. Maybe it was after I started smoking weed, but I'm able to see psychedelica in everything. I've this keen sense of detail for certain things, colours in the room, the space of the road. I like art and writing, naturally. I mean, the best thing is my imagination.
I first smoked weed at the end of grade 11, 16 nearly 17. I'm just 19 now. I've really just started. When I had my first spliff....
Nothing happened.
Or the second one for that matter.
Little did I realise how unnaturally this came to me, I couldn't smoke and looked like a fool doing so and shook and got super nervous rolling or carrying weed the lot.
Someone at work ripped me off hard (i didnt know) but at least he provided a bong.
The world fissured marvellously.
Then it was all I could talk about.
The first time is still my most psychedelic experience to date (ive yet to have a really intense trip, just weak acid with dxm, dxm on its own like 5 times, k twice but not enough, and mushies that didnt really work). Like, my vision divided into concertina frames of black and white (it was night) with negative colours in the black, and then the negative/positive flicking from one frame to another. Its so hard to describe. Obviously I was super paranoid.
I thought I saw a restaurant lift off the earth and golden sparkling light escape from the hole it had left, the building wobbled then dropped back down. I saw spanish dudes with those frilly pants on, in the sky.
Each successive time I smoked weed was counted and I dreamed of when i'd lose count; 'I've only smoked weed lke 12 times dude', i'd tell people in high school.
Like 3 months after my first smoke I purchased acid and tried it, it was summer and the quality had degraded heaps my the time we had it, was mostly weed/the placebo, faint tingling wonder.
Soon I did loose count, and towards the end of school my friends and I would converge to indulge in mj in some public empty space. All teenage delinquent and the like.
Finished school and was suddenly dating this huge stoner/tripper, the main attraction I guess. Pretty shallow! His mind was like mine but thats all we had in common and the whole situation depressed me.
At the same time by sense of melancholy that had been present as long as I can remember, pushed into a certain tragic depression. Things where tragic for me.
On the upside, I was less paranoid when I smoked weed and enjoyed it more frequently and with more freedom.
My mum started saying my speech wasn't as fluid.
Did dxm heaps as I couldnt get cid when I needed it.
I was crying a lot, because I stayed in contact with my ex, and generally just indulged all this over feeling. Like, oh why cant I be in love... blah blah.
It all culminated in me railing waaaay to much mpdv at a 21st, it was only my second time at it. I reckon it would have been about 0.3g at least by the end of the evening, its hard to tell, I was so wired, I couldn't stop talking and licking my lips, for hours literally. Embarrassing fiend.
The comedown destroyed me. Blanking, pyschosis, had to rind in sick to work (hadnt slept) and lost the job soon after. My step dad knew something was up as soon as i walked in, thinking i was sober. It was horrible, both that night, and the colourless day after. Its bad to talk about. A month after its presence was still there, i've bad tripped off HBWR seeds before but this was worse. Flat, like there was nothing in the world. Like a painting with no dimension. Creeping sense of unease. Afterwards weed barely worked for me. I had a break.
Was saving to go to Nepal and 2 weeks before had panic attacks about going away for the first time completely alone. It felt like a shorter more intense version of the comedown. I couldn't eat and everything was malicious.
I still went to Nepal.
But I guess, it took those 3.5 months, plus the 2 ive been back, to recover some of my old trippyness. Like, I remember the first time I noticed it was back. I was so happy. The flatness gone.
I smoked weed a bit. But ever since the comedown/panic attacks. Its been almost impossible to have any magic with weed. Probably because I find it so hard to get any magic in real life.
I feel very cautious about drugs now (ok i took a shitload of zolpidem in Nepal but thats easy). Mushie season had to be ignored because I felt too weird about being back (in a bad way) but ironically the first day I got back was extremely trippy, the smells of the humidity and the smooth running of everything, and the neat tidy rows of houses...
I had a pretty nice spliff moment just this friday actually, like old times, but not nearly as good you know?
Like i want the magic back.
Do I just stop being a pussy and trip?
Do I go clean?
I don't think I will ever entirely forgo weed or drugs but i'm getting close and have done. Certainly with stims itll be only like if I know its 100% mdma or coke. Which I cant find.
So its hard to say, my interest is dwindling, it was so amazing at first, no one believed what I saw. Like patterns in all the shadows of neon pink flowers folding and twisting. No wonder I loved weed.
What to do? I miss mj and all the mj culture and the songs and the humour.
