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fuck me if i cant

mtu mwendawazimu said:
Kitty was following me last night everywhere with these genuinely worried eyes.
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My cats are my life. They know. I can fool anyone but them.
Bobo looks at me with those eyes and I ask if he is OK. I feel him turning the question back on me. Eerie and soul exposing, imo.
Say hi to Kitty for me and a hug?
 
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sorry you're still struggling man. the tone of the posts from yesterday is pretty dejected. don't accept defeat. does your gf know whats up? can you stay with her for a bit? take kitty with you?
 
I'm fed up now. I uploaded a very unprofessional document publicly at work and the sales reps said they lost confidence that I can do my job.

I thi k I'm done.

@chinup - yeah I thought I mentioned my girl drove 2 hours to see me and I told her to go home cuz I'd rather get high?
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
I guess I didn't mention it. Well she is moving to my state. Got a job here and everything. I told her to fuck off and she just made a huge commitment to me.

I am ruining my life
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Jesus, man. What a shit show, huh?

You were the first person that reached out to say Hi and welcome to me when I joined. I thought that was so nice of you and we shared a few PM's about our general lifestyles and why I joined and some other chit chat. You spoke of a few of your issues and you were really excited about getting out of the halfway house ( taking kitty to your own digs ) and getting back on your psych meds.

That was 19 months ago. What keeps happening that you need to sabotage any plans for your future? I mean it get it about the drug use but why do you think you did that at your workplace ( probably knowing it was inappropriate ) and why tell your GF to fuck off after you made a few posts a few months ago that you were happy.

Seems like deep down inside when things start going good you sabotage yourself. Don't you think you deserve a good life? I know you must want stability deep down and maybe you just don't have enough confidence that you can do it. Do you think it's your surroundings that is keeping you in that mindset? Did you deep down want to quit your job and just decided that uploading a document would do the trick?

Where do you think your last statement " I am ruining my life " coming from. Do you think you have some weird desire to stay where you are and not improve?
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
My girlfriend has more care and confidence in me than I do
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Same here.
Everyone always thinks I have the tools to "succeed" but what is successful? :unsure: Not sure I even know the true answer to this so maybe I just pass it over as what they want from me instead of what I want.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
@chinup @6am-64-14m @mal3volent
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I want you to get better too man. I feel like I've talked to you enough over the years here to know that you are a good person with a kind heart, who has really tried to make improvements but is still struggling. I think you know way more about the process of recovery than I do. @chinup does for sure, and I think she could be a huge help.

I hate to see you hurting man. I wish there was something more I could do. But my inbox is always open if you want to talk or vent. Also if you think being back on staff might be a positive thing for you, let me know and we'll talk about it. For some people it helps but it could also be a source of stress too. So I understand either way.

Love you man. Take care of yourself. <3
 
Please dont feel like I am being an ass by asking cause I am def not trying to be.
What is "better" to you? And do you feel this definition is attainable?
I have found that most anything we want can be attained but not all we want brings lasting satisfaction.
I love you, bro, and want to see you where you feel you will be healthiest.
I do not feel healthy worth a shit but others think I am an evolved creature irl ffs. haha What the fuck is wrong with them is my thoughts. ;)
Always my best.
Always my love.
 
mal3volent said:
I want you to get better too man. I feel like I've talked to you enough over the years here to know that you are a good person with a kind heart, who has really tried to make improvements but is still struggling. I think you know way more about the process of recovery than I do. @chinup does for sure, and I think she could be a huge help.

I hate to see you hurting man. I wish there was something more I could do. But my inbox is always open if you want to talk or vent. Also if you think being back on staff might be a positive thing for you, let me know and we'll talk about it. For some people it helps but it could also be a source of stress too. So I understand either way.

Love you man. Take care of yourself. <3
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It sorta did help, I felt a sense of duty and I have nowhere else as cool to give back to. Sometimes I feel BL isn't for me, but there are aspects of it I really like so maybe I just hone in on those.


6am-64-14m said:
Please dont feel like I am being an ass by asking cause I am def not trying to be.
What is "better" to you? And do you feel this definition is attainable?
I have found that most anything we want can be attained but not all we want brings lasting satisfaction.
I love you, bro, and want to see you where you feel you will be healthiest.
I do not feel healthy worth a shit but others think I am an evolved creature irl ffs. haha What the fuck is wrong with them is my thoughts. ;)
Always my best.
Always my love.
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Better to me I guess I've had better times sober on a whole. It's harder but its more stable and can bring a lot of good shit
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
It sorta did help, I felt a sense of duty and I have nowhere else as cool to give back to. Sometimes I feel BL isn't for me, but there are aspects of it I really like so maybe I just hone in on those.




Better to me I guess I've had better times sober on a whole. It's harder but its more stable and can bring a lot of good shit
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I hear ya there. Bluelight is a wonderful community for so many members to get together and share their stories. However, for anyone getting clean.......and attempting to stay clean...........we have to be really careful about which sub forums we are active in. Things like Drug Culture can be very triggering. In there people discuss using drugs, how they smoke it, how they IV it, how good it makes them feel and so on. There IS some harm reduction in there but it's mostly a place where people actually discuss DOING drugs and quitting and changing their life isn't discussed in there too much.

Even TDS can be super triggering ( even though most of the posts are written while they are really in the depths of hell ) . We tend to forget how bad using can really get and we focus only on how good it made us feel. It's really a fine line we have to walk in here if we are still fragile and craving daily. I still get triggered and it's been over 2 years. I have to log off and walk my dog to get my head straight again.
 
Nurse Ratched said:
I hear ya there. Bluelight is a wonderful community for so many members to get together and share their stories. However, for anyone getting clean.......and attempting to stay clean...........we have to be really careful about which sub forums we are active in. Things like Drug Culture can be very triggering. In there people discuss using drugs, how they smoke it, how they IV it, how good it makes them feel and so on. There IS some harm reduction in there but it's mostly a place where people actually discuss DOING drugs and quitting and changing their life isn't discussed in there too much.

Even TDS can be super triggering ( even though most of the posts are written while they are really in the depths of hell ) . We tend to forget how bad using can really get and we focus only on how good it made us feel. It's really a fine line we have to walk in here if we are still fragile and craving daily. I still get triggered and it's been over 2 years. I have to log off and walk my dog to get my head straight again.
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Harm reduction doesn't always mean quitting. It can also mean consuming some drugs safely and responsibly. All of BL is not 12 step or NA. If quitting is one's goal there ARE places here at BL that are great for that.

I've stayed clean from opiates since 1978, but I still enjoy cannabis and LSD.

People should take what they need here at BL and steer clear of their own personal triggers.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
I want to get better
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you can man. do you believe that you do? like really believe? its not necessary for success (i didn't believe i could when i first went to rehab). what do you think is holding you back? what was lacking from your previous treatment? wanting to is a huge bonus, its so easy to just give in to apathy, it takes stength to want to when you're fighting addiction and mental illness.

do you have anywhere you can go for a bit, to make an actionable plan? who can you ask for help? do you think you could get yourself somewhere where you can't use just for a few days to give yourself a break and figure out how you are gonna approach this?

i find just generally wanting to be better, or something else equally vague, is not that helpful cos its not veyr specific, it doesn't bring to mind any immediately doable tasks, so reinforces feelings of powerlessness.

mtu mwendawazimu said:
It sorta did help, I felt a sense of duty and I have nowhere else as cool to give back to. Sometimes I feel BL isn't for me, but there are aspects of it I really like so maybe I just hone in on those.
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i get that. there's places on here that do a number on my mental health if i'm not careful. i usually just avoid them.

also sorry for the late reply. i'm in a bit of a hole and its hard to feel able to contribute positively sometimes.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
@chinup - it's mostly a financial issue. I am close to losing my job, housing and girlfriend just like I did in 2016
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fuck man. i was in basically exactly this situation in 2018. my boyf considered cutting me out completely- and i would have understood, he moved back from australia to get back together then i just didn't want him around cos he got in the way of my addiction. losing my job felt like a relief tbh, trying to maintain the pretence was very stressful. i did no work for the last 6 months, barely ever turned up, just sat there doing nothing when i did. came in at like 11 after scoring, scored at lunch and took a 2 hour break, left at like 4 to score again. it was ridiculous.

but, i could fall back on my parents, they paid my mortgage til they realised that was enabling me and changed the locks to my house. i was willing to do stuff that made a lot of money. as soon as i lost my job my habit increased massively cos of the increase in income from grafting and whoring. the only reason i didn't go to prison is cos i was in rehab by the time the police caught up to me, so they dropped their case.

in 2016, were there any moments that felt like thresholds? like that you could have made a better decision at that point but didn't? i definitely had points where i was in a better position to turn things around, and just sailed through them due to apathy. if i ended up in that situation again, i hope i'd be able to make the right decisions at those times and maybe you will have similar forks and experience will enable you to make better decisions this time. 'im not sure i'm making any sense.

i guess all i can really say is try not to catastrophise. its not a foregone conclusion.
 
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