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fuck me if i cant

i figured out why I'm so 🔥 at freestyling while playing halo infinite doing kick flip 360 no scopes. my "working memory" is off the charts on the IQ test

I take working memory as, mental math, holding info while manipulating it, "winging it", literal short term memory, etc.

maybe I can leverage this and find a more fulfilling career. office is boring sht my g. I need to give back to stay sober. I need to find something greater than myself.

I'm not bipolar for no reason. I didn't get manic every vernal equinox for no reason. I feel like the world is part of me, the seasons at the very least. it's begging me to give back and use my little 2 legs for good.

too long have I wasted away in selfish behavior.

on my way to recovery, in the Uber rn.

tryna think how to combine office w front lines of recovery w working memory

accounting for a non profit where I can freestyle w clients? freal tho

☮️ n 💕
 
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nznity said:
Dw chinup, don't feel so bad. My family can't get over the fact that I stole my mom's morphine and think I'm a piece of shit junkie for doing that. But I never really stole her morphine, it was just a box of morphine ampoules that got left after SHE PASSED AWAY, there was no way I would have grabbed those ampoules when she still was alive....
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25 yrs ago I was addicted to alcohol+benzos when my step-dad died. Not only did I finish the alprazolam left in his bottle, I went and got a refill-- 2 days after he died.
I never told anyone about that until now.
 
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jasperkent said:
25 yrs ago I was addicted to alcohol+benzos when my step-dad died. Not only did I finish the alprazolam left in his bottle, I went and got a refill-- 2 days after he died.
I never told anyone about that until now.
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I think it'd be pretty common for people to take their loved one's meds after they've passed, don't worry. I've certainly read of it time and time again on here. I hope you haven't beaten yourself up over it over the years. Sure it's not the most scrupulous thing to do but there are worse things you can do.
 
n3ophy7e said:
I think it'd be pretty common for people to take their loved one's meds after they've passed, don't worry. I've certainly read of it time and time again on here. I hope you haven't beaten yourself up over it over the years. Sure it's not the most scrupulous thing to do but there are worse things you can do.
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I never thought about it much till I read that post. No, it doesn't haunt me. But it does feel kinda weird that I refilled a script for a dead guy.
 
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personal domain - more social, less isolated. be like buddha. relaxed n wise but outgoing too. I want ppl to feel comfortable around me. bring ppl together. light-hearted and mature.

social domain - best dad: let kids be without judgement, treat fairly, talk to them as equals, support them but challenge them. prosocial friends. intertwined social groups (family, friends, SO all get along)

professional domain - management skills: bring ppl together, good facilitator, talent acquisition, good team leader. hands on philanthropy. run non profit w girl friend - finance skills + sober recovery support. condo in city w cat and bmw m6
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
yesterday was hard.

our guest speaker was high on meth. everyone knew. it was uncomfortable.
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Nobody had a descrete, word then, am guessing? - awkward situation. Maybe take the onus next time, idea? Uncomfortable for everyone & also, to spare speaker being talked about, behind their back & spare the dignity they can't afford themselves, in the moment they are stuck in?
 
Asclepius said:
Nobody had a descrete, word then, am guessing? - awkward situation. Maybe take the onus next time, idea? Uncomfortable for everyone & also, to spare speaker being talked about, behind their back & spare the dignity they can't afford themselves, in the moment they are stuck in?
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I felt sad for her, but I couldn't shake the hypocrisy. she was giggling after saying things that were plain sad. I get trying to make humor of dark situations but it just seemed like she wasn't taking recovery very seriously.

I left the room once one of my group mates started saying how she'd never go to work under the influence. got pretty awkward for me.

I was asking the speaker questions about meditation to help lighten the mood, but my group mates were like, "so how much sober time do u have again?", it was just awkward.
 
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Personally, I'd prefer to call out the BS,(not in an ego-trip but in a way to restore dignity & strength to the purpose & stop wasting time on someone wasting time & purpose) - not to shame her but to stop myself from pulling that shit, in the future - if you get me - because, the " you get away with it", atmosphere is porous in those situations in meetings/groups. Groupthink is strong, morale goes low & no body wins - except the individual hoodwinking everyone, to meet their own desire.

It won't win you favours but imo, it brings things back to truth & away from insufferable bullshit.
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
I felt sad for her, but I couldn't shake the hypocrisy. she was giggling after saying things that were plain sad. I get trying to make humor of dark situations but it just seemed like she wasn't taking recovery very seriously.

I left the room once one of my group mates started saying how she'd never go to work under the influence. got pretty awkward for me.

I was asking the speaker questions about meditation to help lighten the mood, but my group mates were like, "so how much sober time do u have again?", it was just awkward.
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Leaving the room - great idea, when you need to calibrate stuff. Always. It's a process(easy for me to give an opinion when not in that atmosphere!).

These situations are laden with emotional weight. It gets simpler, just keep reflecting, keep your memories engaged & assimilate, you will come across 'awkward situations' again & again & soon they will be easier to engage-with, as you'll have formed your own reaction/response, and it will be done with your own, purpose- one that you & you alone, feel confident in/of! Give yourself time. 😘
 
honestly, I admitted last night that I sometimes glorify drugs and look forward to that secret day that I can use again, just a quick and single dabble.

it doesn't work like that.

group leader recommended I write a list of all the negative effects drugs had on me, others, and my mental health.

then coincidentally we spend the last group talking about honesty. how it is a highly respected trait and one addicts struggle w. I never want to get to the point where my inner circle (lol what inner circle) questions whether or not I'm high, when I'm in fact sober. I need to be honest though if I do relapse
 
past self:
child - shy, innocuous, only cry when strangers would goochy-goo me.
teen: more confident, goofy, outgoing
young adult: unstable, wreckless

current self: still shy, still goofy outgoing, still unstable but more wise, confused on who I am a lil bit but not stressing over it because..

future self: stable in all areas (relationship, mental health, finances,), forgiving, patient, selfless, and ofc more wise and insightful w age

we also did mindfulness yesterday. have a packet of that summary was like, just ground urself and breathe!
 
how you getting on @mtu mwendawazimu?

how did you get on with the mindfulness? it takes some commitment to get results, but i found it amazing. currently haven't meditated in weeks though, really need to get back in the habit.
 
My advice. Be careful of the amount of time you spend on Bluelight.

I love this forum, and it had probably saved my life on countless occasions and brought me peace of mind.

However, it can be insanely triggering if you're not careful. I speak from experience here.
 
chinup said:
how you getting on @mtu mwendawazimu?

how did you get on with the mindfulness? it takes some commitment to get results, but i found it amazing. currently haven't meditated in weeks though, really need to get back in the habit.
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Doing well. Thank you for the thought. I graduate this week.

Drazyhaze said:
My advice. Be careful of the amount of time you spend on Bluelight.

I love this forum, and it had probably saved my life on countless occasions and brought me peace of mind.

However, it can be insanely triggering if you're not careful. I speak from experience here.
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Thank you, may leave the forums now.

Love you all, may update.
 
Had a beer and immediately called my guy. He wasn't around.

That was the only relapse.

Sober from hard drugs since April 2nd.

Ran 2 miles last Tuesday.

Gambling a bit in this shit storm market but making out surprisingly with put options and day trading upstart.
 
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