man i dont think this is helpful worth a shit but you are not alone.
i get we waana reach certain aspirations but so many "ideals" have been sewn into our minds since birth but what the fuck is really worth attaining? what i mean is many (including my dumb ass) has made it to many an acme but after a while it is boring, worthless and meaningless. just my experience.
you sure seem like a rock star (no pun) just being you. no shit. proof is in the pudding.
we grow... we do not become a beautiful iris (or whateva) overnight.
Just give a chance at metamorphosis, yeah? i see you in your cocoon and what i observe is a blessing to this god forsaken planet.