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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

BeckyLee said:
the only thing that snaps me out of it is going to a workout class and seeing my body in COMPARISON to most- then I get an epiphany "i AM kind of thin!"
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A decade is a long time becky. Thats alot of lost years right there - a whole lot of lost happiness, a whole lot of lost oppurtunity - oppurtunity to feel free (i mean really FREE), to feel HAPPY, and this sounds so cliched, but to appreciate just being alive. I knew I was past the worst of my ed when I thought "Huh, I'm actually really fucking happy to be doing just what I'm doing, regardless of how unhappy i am with my body."

I put the quote from you up there because it really stood out to me - you feel free from your ed when you think you are thin? That doesn't make you free at all. what makes you free and - trust me - feel really good, is not to be thin, but to stop caring whether or not you are thin.

Same goes for you PI - I am SO happy for you because you seem to be very very happy, and free from binge eating. that's incredible, but I still think you seem to be very controlled by how you look. But there's not necessarily anything wrong with that hey, if it works for you it works for you :)

But back to not caring how thin you are - let me explain what I mean. I still care, I care one hell of alot and I am so happy I'm finally losing the weight I want to. But I've stopped letting IT stop me. It doesn't stop me loving my boyfriend, it doesn't stop me living in nepal, it doesn't stop me doing any business stuff I want to do. it doesn't stop me feeling good and It doesn't stop me feeling sexy, confident and capable. It all sounds so cliched, but I truly let go. I can't tell you exactly how, just when i ventured out into life and really lived despite how much i hated myself, other things took over from my all consuming ed. It's still clawing on and I can't let it go fully, but it's not clawing and scratching at my throat anymore.

you're not free from your ed, or past it or truly, lastingly beating it until you stop caring SO much about how thin you are. If it stops you livng like your friends or family or partner, then it has you under it's dirty stinking foot.
 
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Sanity? said:
And sorry if I came across as bitchy
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Understood and forgiven.

but I still think you seem to be very controlled by how you look. But there's not necessarily anything wrong with that hey, if it works for you it works for you
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I do focus on how I look but it doesn't control me. I have a better handle on how to create balance mentally and emotionally. Reminding myself of my physical attributes is my immediate reward of eating well and exercise. I have never felt not looked this good. It is not conceit. It is pride.
 
^Then that's great PI, good for you, and I really mean that. Sounds very healthy. And you should be proud! Sorry if I offended you're amazing work, I really didn't intend to <3

And, having said what I said before, I still struggle with my ed. Alot. I still largely live my life with it, but i live my life with everything else too. And I think that's the key - bring other things into your life too, no matter how bad you feel about yourself. (I went to Nepal, and still haven't come home to live. I've never made a better decision than the snap decision to go and volunteer in the third world.)
The other things show you there's a hell of alot more to live for, and a hell of alot out there that will make you happy. Real, lasting happiness based on things that stick. Really guys, go and chase MORE. You can have more as easily as I did. It wasn't all easy at the time, but it's an easy life when you're not constantly being crushed by something.
 
I just wanted to clarify, I am AWARE that being thinner is not really that important, and aware my behavior is destructive.
However, let me further clarify by stating that my ED is just a side effect of my main problem, which is being a manic-depressive. I am by all means not using that as my excuse, but I have to conquer my crazies before the behaviors I've developed to deal with them can be exorcised from my life.
As was stated in the meth thread (not exactly): "if you stop using but haven't dealt with the underlying issues behind your drug usage, you are just a non-user with a crazy fucked-up head."

I "stop" all the time. Days, weeks, or months and it doesn't matter. I'm still a ticking time bomb waiting to relapse....

... without therapy and proper medication, that is.
 
I've been pretty ED free this last week/couple weeks and it's weird.

I don't know, the "I have no place to live and no job" concern has pretty much taken over my concentration and made worrying about my weight seem pretty fucking trivial. This morning I had $2 to get breakfast so I just looked for what was the most food for $2 and didn't even glance at the calories...

So get poor & desperate = cure an ED for me apparently....
 
ha that works for me too mia, try being poor and desperate in the third world, i lived on tofu and dirty water for about two weeks and didn't once think about what i was eating, so long as it was food.

no, why it really helps is because something else becomes more important. And that's what I'm trying to get accross as what helped me - finding things that matter more and give a whole lot me more than being thin ever did. I still love it, I still want it and am still chasing it, but there are other things that matter more, that make me happy and that give something to build a life around, and it's slowly going away. Now, it's just another part of me. A part that sometimes takes over, but still, just another part. It's not EVERYTHING anymore.
 
There's nothing that's ever been more important than it... not gymnastics or relationships or my health in the long term sense. But I guess immediate survival trumps even my ED.

I realized today I've had an ED for more than half of my life... it's really bizarre to just not give a fuck about my weight, even for just a week or two.
 
BeckyLee said:
I have to conquer my crazies before the behaviors I've developed to deal with them can be exorcised from my life.

I "stop" all the time. Days, weeks, or months and it doesn't matter. I'm still a ticking time bomb waiting to relapse.....
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That first bit is so true Becky, but you know, I think (and it's just my opinion!) that feeling a little bit in control of your ed will help you feel a little more in control of the rest of your life. If you're medicated now and doing everything else you can to help control the manic depression, why not try your absolute best to control the other stuff it brings with it?
Really, I always feel more able to cope when I have control of my food. Try not to just let it slide because you have bigger problems. baby steps, they always help :)


And, I absolutely know what you mean about just being a relapse-ticking-time-bomb. You stop, but you just feel like you're waiting for the next opporunity to really get into it again. It feels so temporary. I think everyone who's had an ed knows that feeling. *hugs*

Oh, AND, i think this is really interesting - I always kicked myself because I couldn't get over my ed. I thought it was such a stupid, small thing to get so lost in and so fucked up over. But for me, stopping everyday prolonged and heavy use of heroin was EASIER than stopping my ed behaviours. Think about that.

Having an ED is hard fucking work, for me (so far) it's harder than heroin. So don't beat yourself up over it.
 
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I know that feeling too well mia. Nothing else matters. (metallica was right). But think outside the box. Do SOMETHING. Even if you have to trundle halfway across the world to do it. It works.

falling in love with someone who loves you exactly as you are helps very much too. I know you can't really go out and just find that, but don't hide from boys/girls because you hate yourself. THEY like you, and when they come to love you it seriously helps you love yourself.
 
Dear Ed,

I despise you. I don't want you.

I turned my back a long time ago and I am walking away, and I know that one day you will stop following. No matter how times you trip me from behind, I get back up.

Fuck you and all your mothers and sisters before you.
I am better, and faster and stronger and smarter than you. Give up. You've already lost. There's no place for you here.

From me.
 
^^ *big bear hugs* <3
You ARE better and you ARE stronger. You will win every time hun.

This thread has missed you :)
 
hi guys. i used to post on this thread a couple months back and have just gotten back to it. i can relate to you guys who have been struggling for a long time. i have had food issues for 20 years and have been really symptomatic for 14. i was e mailing a friend today and i wrote how i was sent to live in a sort of group home last year and for a couple of months, i didn't think about food or my body. i noticed because that is completely abnormal to me. i am so used to obsessing about my body and food and starving and purging that having it go away for a bit was strange. it was sort of freeing but my ed fired back and told my head that i was lazy and slacking because i wasn't focusing on losing weight. it is sad but that is normal for me. i have no idea how to lead life without feeling constantly horrible and disgusted at my body. my weight is back down but i still feel disgusted about my body. i can only wear baggy clothes because if it fits somewhat i think it is too tight. i still feel like i did 20 pounds heavier. i want to recover and move forward with my life but i hate my body so much that it seems unnattural to not think and act the way i do. i also look forward to days that i get high either on dope or speed because i have no desire to eat. is it possible to reprogram a lifetime of thinking and behaviors?
 
Thanks n3o, u r the best kind of a darling. i really love ya girl. *big bear hugs back* <3

'a little annoying' is never a good sign Samael, what's up?

And kc, yes I think it is possible. I think it will take one hell of a long time, really a long long time and alot of hard pushing, but I do think it's possible. I really feel for you for having an ed for 20 yrs. that's too long for anyone to suffer with this. I assume you've tried all kind of things to recover? Counselling? medication? Hospitalisation, or like a recovery centre? Sorry if you've said all this a few motnhs ago, but I've been away. tell me your story hun, and what are you doing about it now? or nothing much? It must get impossibly hard someitmes to keep on pushing after so long. *hug for you
 
Just a small post of encouragement to all of the amazing soldiers within this thread. I'm seeing more and more light in this tunnel of mine every single day and there is no reason why you can't feel the same through your own personal journey of change. Hang in there. It gets easier, I promise.

YouAreBeautiful.jpg
 
I wish my friend with ed would see that and toss the damn scale. She worrys about losing weight and she is skinny and is absolutley gorgeous.. She could gain like 20 pounds or more and still be georgous..

it just boggles my mind that she worrys so much about her weight..
 
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