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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

Thanks ThaiDie!
Well, remember how I said i was eating bunches lately b/c I have been staying w/my parents who have bountiful quantitties (typo, but I'm leaving it!) of food (vs. being broke w/no food)?

I have been staying w/my bf lately... and he is broke as shite... so I am just swinging the pendulum back towards regular anorexia :(.

I don't know how to eat normally; it's either a binge or a starvation, never in between.
 
this weekend I saw a friend of mine I hadn't seen in ages, six months or so.
He used to be healthy looking, now hes withering away. He's dropped all his muscle mass - at least half his body weight. It might be the drugs but I'm really suspecting an eating disorder. He looks so bony, so sad. We used to go out and eat after hitting the clubs together - we went out afterward to a food place and he got water, thats it.. I am really worried for him, his boyfriend told me that he's refusing to eat but his boyfriend doesn't know why... and my poor friend claims nothing is wrong :(:(:(
 
New said:
And I was just throwing that in there because all the vagina and period talk made me feel left out...not uncomfortable, mind you, just left out...
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Haha yeh I just popped into the meth thread and was a little overwhelmed by all the girly talk *blushes* lol. Yep guys can get eating disorders too.... I know that all too well!

Ugh I feel grossly fat at the moment because I've been binging on codeine/dihydrocodeine all weekend and hence am seriously... blocked up.... and my lower abdomen is all protrudy and bulky. I did run about 20km over the weekend though. I've been snacking on almonds and walnuts mmmmm as much as I hate food at times I always love nuts!

^^ claire it doesn't sound promising :( maybe an ED but could be any number of other reasons/illnesses. I hope your friend is okay!
 
Man...nice to see you there.:D

I've been resisting the urge to storm the fridge at night...especially when the internet goes off...but then I have to remind myself to eat...I just end up fucking praying because that's what helps me and it freaks me out that I got to that point that I have to think before I eat...like, really fucking think...:(
 
Such babies 8) haha just scroll down the friggin page... god knows there's enough testosterone on these boards...

The last four days have been ED hell for me-- it started on Thursday and has just gotten worse. I feel so fat, I feel like I've gained ten pounds at least, everytime I walk by anything that shows my reflection I'm filled with this gut-wrenching depression and disgust for myself. I can't wear any of my usual clothes because I just look down at my legs and they look like these bulging monster tubes of fat... It's gotten to the point where I run into the bathroom with my eyes closed because I don't want to have to look at myself. Or I just stare at myself in the mirror to remind myself how disgusting I am...

I keep trying to tell myself it's impossible that I have gained that much weight but there's not really anything I can do to PROVE it to myself enough that I will believe it... I'm still so bloated from eating during my (pointless????) 60 hour detox that weighing myself will just make me feel worse instead of grounding me to reality... and I haven't weighed myself in so long it won't really mean anything to me....

I don't understand how this came over me, I felt my usual shittyness about my body last week but then Thursday afternoon it skyrocheted into this. My closest friend that lives close to me distance wise isn't speaking to me so that's the only thing I can think. But I feel so gross I don't want to go out and see any of my other friends because I feel like everyone is just going to be thinking about how fat I am so I keep isolating which isn't making me feel any better. And I don't want to go to the gym because I don't want those people to think how fat I am...

blah / blah / blah how fucking whiny am I...
 
aww Mia ... :( I wish I knew what to tell you!!! It sucks that you feel that way. I really wish I had some advice for you, I truely do.

This might be meaningless to say, but sometimes it helps to FAKE confidence... I don't know if this is possible for you, but maybe just try to go out and see your friend and just think to yourself, "Ok, so I feel gross, but just because I don't feel my best right now doesn't mean that I can't live my life." Just go out anyway, and even though it might be uncomfortable intially, there may be the chance that you'll feel better once you've gone out and realised that it's not so bad.

Blahh, I don't know, I really don't know much about ED at all, I am just trying to think of what I do when I am feeling fat (PMS, eating too much, etc.) and hope that might help you at least a tiny bit.

I hope the past few days have been better for you!! You are beautiful inside and out, and you don't deserve to be trapped in your house over a few silly pounds :)
 
Aww thanks girlie <3

I've feeling a bit better the last few days, body wise... I've been eating not enough but more inbetween than before I guess. It's been a lot of long nights up studying for finals and whatnot so I've been giving myself more of a break (or able to) for eating a bit more.

Shit with my friends is bad bad right now... so that is making me really sad. But I'm just trying to focus on getting all this stuff done and think about better things and indulging myself a little bit, as much I can afford anyway, to feel better.
 
i honestly think this is why i loved heroin so much because i got the heroin (chiche) growing up was a swimmer and my mother was addicted to speed, while other kids were eating pizza or hamburgers i ate salads with oil and vinegar, my weight fluctuated throughout my whole life, i became addicted to laxatives, i loved throwing up also , so of course when i found dope and threw up thought that was awesome, then i found plugging oh god my addiction with that, there are times i got so big also in my life than i was embarrased to leave the house, i suffer with this to this day but i am much better (isnt so easy now im pregnant though) , i am making up for this with my own daughter who is an athlete also and she is a big girl but its just how she is and you know i have always told her how beautiful she is and she never gets down about her weight and she has such great self esteem, if you ever want to pm me i dont mind i have fought with this my whole life, to this day i can not i mean literally cannot eat before twelve noon i dont know why but i get sick if i try , oa may help i never went because i went to na and counseling and it all tied in to each other eating disorders are just another manifestation of my addiction, goodluck ashla
 
bad weekend

ate some cake last night after getting really upset. had a complete breakdown and went completely psychotic, my room called my best friend because she was scared

spend all night on the phone, crying/laughing/vomitting from the dairy

not feeling very good right now
 
This thread has gone dead. Hope that means everyone's doing well. <3

I had a weird day and am now really depressed. Realization maybe? But I won't do anything with it as usual...

I ate and ate detoxing over the weekend, have felt fat and huge the last two days. I'm still not weighing myself, out of fear now, so who knows how much or not I gained. Driving around all day by myself running errands I keep thinking how disgusting I am. Avoiding texts from the friends that still speak to me-- who haven't become complete flakes, or I haven't flaked on to the extent they no longer speak to me-- thinking I have to stay away from people for a few days and lose some of this weight I've gained...

Best way to make myself feel bad about myself-- go try on jeans and make myself depressed. So I go to Neimans and start trying on jeans, 24s are too big, whatever. 23s are too big.

This would normally be a proud moment for me but I sat in the dressing room for about 20 minutes (dont know what the SA thought) staring at myself in the mirror thinking, well, what an accomplishment! now you can't wear any adult jeans anymore, back to having to shop in the kid's section. other people have gotten married, graduated from college, had children, got their dream jobs, moved to a place that they love, and you? you have no boyfriend because this ED fucks every relationship up and they all end up thinking you're a fucking freak, you are a horrible friend can't maintain friendships because of this, your family and your therapist hate you because of it, you're probably going to die in about five years either because of this or the because of the meth you use to deal with this with, but you can't fit into adult clothing anymore! you're on a fucking roll, really, your life is AWESOME. how fucking fullfilled you must be feel.

this is empty. this is shit, this is NOTHING that means anything to anyone, and deep down means nothing to me. but i place some fucking meaning and i'm TERRRIFIED of walking away from it, because it still something tangible that I can hold on to. people leave, jobs get taken away, classes fuck up but meth is for always, losing weight is for always. both will never leave me, both will always be there waiting to simultaneously kill me but make me feel accomplished and succesful and fucking great.

so i can't surrender to a higher power, fall on my knees and say fuck it i give up because there is nothing left but this. this worthless shit that in keeping stops me from being able to have anything but it. i am such a weaK fuck. drug addicts are weak? no, anorexics are fucking weak.

i have a lot of these moments but somehow i do not think everything will be fine tomorrow the way it usually is. this feels different.
 
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hey friends...

I am out of rehab and in a recovery home. We get to use the computers on Tues and Thursdays and I wanted to let you all know I have been thinking of you and continuing to wish all the best.

We do recover... :)
 
+1 :)

Great to see you here again kc! <3

mia you are NOT weak. You are a strong and courageous person and I have faith in you that you will one day conquer both evils. I hope you're feeling better today *big bear hugs* <3 <3 <3
 
Wooooh welcome back kc!

mrs_mia_wallace said:
other people have gotten married, graduated from college, had children, got their dream jobs, moved to a place that they love, and you? you have no boyfriend because this ED fucks every relationship up and they all end up thinking you're a fucking freak, you are a horrible friend can't maintain friendships because of this, your family and your therapist hate you because of it, you're probably going to die in about five years either because of this or the because of the meth you use to deal with this with
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I feel pretty much exatcly the same way... (swapping boyfriend for girlfriend of course ;) & my parents are more worried than resentful or angry). The way I've been feeling lately I can't see any long term future for myself.

n3o is right though mia, you seem to be more resilient and stronger than you think you are. You just have to see how pointless meth is and that the people who matter in life won't care if you're 10, 12, 30 pounds heavier or lighter than you think you should be. <3
 
belarki said:
The way I've been feeling lately I can't see any long term future for myself.
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There is always a long term prospect, for everyone. I know that sometimes we can't see further in to the future than next week, tomorrow or even the next hour away! But we all have a lot to live, hope and strive for <3
 
thanks guys <3

I feel a bit better today. I weighed myself for the first time in two months... it was weird. I had to run in really quickly to use my mum's scale and she was home... it says I've gained 10pounds which I know is not real (clothes don't fit differently and I weighed myself in the evening after eating and drinking 5 days ago and was 7 pounds lighter) so there was something fucked up on the reading i guess/hope... digital scales blow.

But of course now I keep thinking I've gained 10 pounds...

belarki- sometimes i feel that way.. i just have to get myself to stop feeling it matters and stop placing so much meaning on it.

n3- how are you doing girlie?
 
I hope the scales were right mia, for your health's sake. How are you feeling?

I'm okay. I'm at a low point today. Not sure why. I've gained 5kg this year, and it's sticking. At times I'm deeply depressed by it, other times I ignore it. But I am by no means happy about it.

I'm exercising nearly every day of the week and the weight still isn't budging. I just have to ignore it and stay healthy, and try to not let it get me down.
 
^What type of exercise are you doing? it's possible you've just built up muscle if you're doing it pretty frequnetly, and that's why your weights not gone down?

either way, you are beautiful :) you don't need to lose 5 kg.

I'm feeling better today. Weighed myself and did not gain the ten lbs... :| I have no idea what I weigh, now it says I'm 15 lbs lighter than I was yest 8) just one reason we should not pay attention to scales...
 
I'm doing running (around 5km most days, gradually increasing the distance) and weights session every 2-3 days, so yeah I can expect a bit of muscle build-up. But I'm already pretty muscly for a girl so I don't think there's too much room for more weight gain due to muscle.

I think it's just aging and slowing of my metabolism to be honest. Just something I'm going to have to accept and deal with.

And yes, that is true testament to the fact that we shouldn't worship the scales mia! It's about feeling happy and healthy, that is what counts, not numbers.

So good to hear you're feeling a bit better today hun <3 <3 <3
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
this is empty. this is shit, this is NOTHING that means anything to anyone, and deep down means nothing to me. but i place some fucking meaning and i'm TERRRIFIED of walking away from it, because it still something tangible that I can hold on to. people leave, jobs get taken away, classes fuck up but meth is for always, losing weight is for always. both will never leave me, both will always be there waiting to simultaneously kill me but make me feel accomplished and succesful and fucking great.
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Mia,
This is exactly how I feel about it sometimes too, but could never have written it so eloquently. The reason we all believe you can get through this is because you are so incredibly talented and insightful. There is no smoke in mirrors with you, and that is a truly rare quality.

kc- I am so happy to hear you are ok and posted! <3

As for myself... I was promptly booted from my parents house a couple weeks ago and it was overwhelming for a few days, but C and I have come up with a plan, and I believe no matter what happens, I will be ok.

Ironically, being back on my own has been a blessing in disguise in relation to my ED and my feelings of self esteem. My mother and I are two people on vastly different sides of the spectrum, and there was a fundamental difference in perception of the world...

ANYWAY, I am feeling more confident about myself now that I am around someone who loves me and believes in me. Powerful stuff. <3

I am worried about my sister though, as she may have her own ED now and I feel horribly guilty about being a poor role model to her. I am trying to step up my friendship with her... What can I really do though? That is the saddest part.
 
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