jezushmfchrist
Bluelighter
I admit.. i have COE.. but really don't know how to curb it.. im hoping that quitting marijuana will help a lot... i'd join a support group.. but they are all ran by bible thumpers
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TDS Eating Disorders Megathread
- Thread starter MidnightBaby
- Start date
Oh my goodness belarki, I have said this before.....are we the same person?? I drank myself in to oblivion over the Easter long weekend, and continue to do so......ughh.
What are we gonna do.....?
belarki
Bluelight Crew
Hehe hi miss doppelgänger n3o
I made the mistake of having a little alcohol at home last night (4 beers and about 200ml of spirits). I drank that waaaay too quickly, was craving more but somehow had the discipline not to go and buy more, did not have the discipline to handle cravings, ate too much instead, felt guilty, then purged for the first time in like a month. I feel so gross. I don't know which is worse, abusing alcohol or dealing with an ED? Both are draining me at the moment...
*hugs* to everyone else in this thread!
mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
^do you tend to binge when you drink? that ALWAYS happens to me... for some reason I start to get hungry and I'm drunk so I just think "oh it's okay to eat food!" then wake up in the morning and think "what did I do last night?" (my equivelent of a one-night-stand with food....)
belarki
Bluelight Crew
^^ haha it depends on how much I drink and how quickly. If I drink until I black out I don't tend to eat much, if I drink sensibly I do. I think getting the munchies when drinking is a pretty universal thing. I've had more than a few occasions when I've woken up (lol this morning included) and amazed myself at how much I drank and ate the night before. Another good reason not to have any unhealhty food around I suppose.... 8)
How are you doing mia? Do you have your accomodation, employment, health insurance etc sorted or is everything still up in the air?
Death shouldn't be an option for you yet; far too young kiddo. If it comes to that you could always sell everything that isn't critical, get a passport, travelling visa, plane tickets to somewhere random and go backpacking :D
How are you doing mia?
Do you have your accomodation, employment, health insurance etc sorted or is everything still up in the air?mrs_mia_wallace said:
Death shouldn't be an option for you yet; far too young kiddo. If it comes to that you could always sell everything that isn't critical, get a passport, travelling visa, plane tickets to somewhere random and go backpacking :D
mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
^i don't tend to binge when I drink to the point of blackout either, or pass out... which is why in the past I've made sure to drink to the point of black, passing out, or gone home with a random guy... and why i don't really much anymore ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
my eating has been a mess this week due to bad financials... i keep putting off going to the doctor, half because im scared to deal with shit and half because lately i keep thinking i really do wish it would just kill me.
my mom came to see me tonight and was yelling at me about spending her grocery money obviously on not groceries since my fridge is empty... she kept talking about how she doesnt understand why i am so depressed when it seems like things are going better "weight wise" (i'm 15 pounds below my goal weight) i wanted to screaming at her "how can you not see how FUCKED UP i am? how can you not see how FUCKED my eating is and how can you SERIOUSLY NOT SEE I'M USING AGAIN?!"
i love my mother but i feel like she has is so fucking clueless sometimes... admitedly i go to a lot of effort (ridiculous amount) to hide my eating patterns and meth use, but after more than a decade of dealing with my ED and six years of stims abuse i feel like it has to be SOMEWHAT obvious. i don't know, maybe she's really just given up and figures i can do whatever i want to my body, i'm an adult and she doesn't have to care anymore, and maybe that's the way it should be and i do need to just grow up and realize that i am an adult and nobody has to give a fuck anymore... but i guess the little girl in me just keeps thinking please mom step in and save me, i cannot do it for myself and i am scared.
my eating has been a mess this week due to bad financials... i keep putting off going to the doctor, half because im scared to deal with shit and half because lately i keep thinking i really do wish it would just kill me.
my mom came to see me tonight and was yelling at me about spending her grocery money obviously on not groceries since my fridge is empty... she kept talking about how she doesnt understand why i am so depressed when it seems like things are going better "weight wise" (i'm 15 pounds below my goal weight) i wanted to screaming at her "how can you not see how FUCKED UP i am? how can you not see how FUCKED my eating is and how can you SERIOUSLY NOT SEE I'M USING AGAIN?!"
i love my mother but i feel like she has is so fucking clueless sometimes... admitedly i go to a lot of effort (ridiculous amount) to hide my eating patterns and meth use, but after more than a decade of dealing with my ED and six years of stims abuse i feel like it has to be SOMEWHAT obvious. i don't know, maybe she's really just given up and figures i can do whatever i want to my body, i'm an adult and she doesn't have to care anymore, and maybe that's the way it should be and i do need to just grow up and realize that i am an adult and nobody has to give a fuck anymore... but i guess the little girl in me just keeps thinking please mom step in and save me, i cannot do it for myself and i am scared.
As a fellow lifelong inhabitant in a revealing work outfit (a bathing suit), maybe you should go into another profession? I know you are excellent at what you do, but it seems to encourage the ED. If you love gymnastics like I love swimming that's probably not an option, though. =(
Edit: I am actually amazed that as a fellow addict/ED sufferer, you are not too jaded to be a role model and teach youngsters. I used to be the star swim instructor at my Y, but life has opened and closed my eyes at the same time...
I imagine you must be a much better person than I am.
Edit: I am actually amazed that as a fellow addict/ED sufferer, you are not too jaded to be a role model and teach youngsters. I used to be the star swim instructor at my Y, but life has opened and closed my eyes at the same time...
I imagine you must be a much better person than I am.
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mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
I would never allow myself to quit my job/preferred career path because of the work outfit-- and you shouldn't either!-- because that would be allowing my eating disorder to completely rule and destroy my life already (it does already but every way I can stop it from I'll take...)
I've also spent half my life in a leotard so I'm fairly used to it... luckily gymnasts don't tend to be the boniest of athletes, more muscled and a tad bulky, so competitions aside training/practice was never that bad, and neither is work.... ballet class was another story, and that's part of the reason I don't teach dance (also don't really care for it anymore though)
In regards to being a role model, I'm definitely not a better person than you... I spend a lot of time worrying that I have a negative influence on the girls I teach. In general though I think of myself as someone who teaches them skills and critques them on their performance, not as a role model in any sense of the word.
I'm glad you are so used to being in your uniform that it's natural for you! I just thought that maybe since it is something I tend to be self-couscious about (being seen in a swimsuit), that it might effect your ED.
I haven't been able to teach lessons since last summer b/c I feel like I am a shit role model, partially b/c of the ED but mostly b/c I don't feel I live my life by the moral principles of the organization I worked for since 2004. It makes me really sad and want to binge more. I really felt like it was my "home away from home."
I am in a really weird mode right now b/c I am binge-eating a lot but not purging a lot... so just getting fatter... I donno I just am having a hard time adjusting to living with my folks. I got so used to having practically NO food cuz I was broke, that now it seems like I should just dig in while I can!
My psychiatrist wants to talk about my bulimia but I really don't feel ready to tackle it yet. I know that is messed up, but I'd rather worry about my sleeping habits and generally feeling good about myself... that will in turn at least lower the incidences of ED behavior, right?
I haven't been able to teach lessons since last summer b/c I feel like I am a shit role model, partially b/c of the ED but mostly b/c I don't feel I live my life by the moral principles of the organization I worked for since 2004. It makes me really sad and want to binge more. I really felt like it was my "home away from home."
I am in a really weird mode right now b/c I am binge-eating a lot but not purging a lot... so just getting fatter... I donno I just am having a hard time adjusting to living with my folks. I got so used to having practically NO food cuz I was broke, that now it seems like I should just dig in while I can!
My psychiatrist wants to talk about my bulimia but I really don't feel ready to tackle it yet. I know that is messed up, but I'd rather worry about my sleeping habits and generally feeling good about myself... that will in turn at least lower the incidences of ED behavior, right?
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
The new meds are working. I eat ALL the time. Its kinda nice. I've gained 10 pds in the last 2 weeks. 
mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
^what the fuck...ok.
beckyless I'm in the same place as you with the family situation-- I'm used to literally having a few cans of soup and no can opener, and maybe some corn torillas and salsa in my kitchen. Not only is my mother's kitchen completely stocked (she goes to the market every single morning) but she has no job so she does almost nothing all day except cook, walk her dog, and go to the gym. and all she cooks is super heavy, gigantic, fatty French meals.... and her hobby/pride in life is making pastries, so there is always fresh pastries everywhere. I hate it, I can't eat any of it without getting sick (lactose intolerant) but she pushes food at me every minute of the day (does to my father as well) and gets really upset when no one eats her food. So I keep waking up and being really hungry and eating her food, getting sick, and then feeling like shit for eating.
I've upped my daily calories but am still more than halfway below what I should be eating... I don't know what my weight is, I'm debating whether or not I should weigh myself
beckyless I'm in the same place as you with the family situation-- I'm used to literally having a few cans of soup and no can opener, and maybe some corn torillas and salsa in my kitchen. Not only is my mother's kitchen completely stocked (she goes to the market every single morning) but she has no job so she does almost nothing all day except cook, walk her dog, and go to the gym. and all she cooks is super heavy, gigantic, fatty French meals.... and her hobby/pride in life is making pastries, so there is always fresh pastries everywhere. I hate it, I can't eat any of it without getting sick (lactose intolerant) but she pushes food at me every minute of the day (does to my father as well) and gets really upset when no one eats her food. So I keep waking up and being really hungry and eating her food, getting sick, and then feeling like shit for eating.
I've upped my daily calories but am still more than halfway below what I should be eating... I don't know what my weight is, I'm debating whether or not I should weigh myself
I'm glad to hear that you're increasing your calories mrs mia. Don't worry about what you 'should' be at yet, just keep bumping the calories up a bit at a time. You'll get there. Don't weight yourself. You know in what direction you need to go.
Savour the small victories (and start taking lactaid
)
PT-- I'm really glad to hear that you're eating more. What kind of food are you eating? Lots of yummy veggies I hope?
Savour the small victories (and start taking lactaid
)PT-- I'm really glad to hear that you're eating more. What kind of food are you eating? Lots of yummy veggies I hope?
New
Bluelight Crew
Now I am sober and I can feel my body. Fuck. I have a gut and I'm so tempted to not eat but my meds won't let me. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
belarki
Bluelight Crew
Absolutely. If you have issues with anxiety, depression, sleeping, self esteem etc then it's more than likely any ED tendencies will be conected.
Haha what is it with parents and food hey? My folks are exactly the same becky and mia; "you aren't eating enough..... look you can fit a little more in..... here we made this especially for you you'll have to eat some.... I'm sure you have room in your fridge at home to take some back with you...." etc etc etc 8) As far as they're concerned it'd be criminal for me to visit them and not leave a kilo or two heavier!
Pillthrill said:
She may have just been suprised at the amount you'd gained in such short time given that you're pretty petite to start with? Promising that you're meds are working and from your posts in the social & photo thread you and your guy seem very happy at the moment
mrs_mia_wallace said:
Good to hear you're eating more. I wouldn't weight myself if I were you. As Dave mentioned it probably won't be productive. Put it this way, how often do you weigh yourself and feel good about the result? We in this thread seem to be predisposed to be self critical so even if you were a perfect weight you'd no doubt find reason to berate yourself. Just stay persistent & take care
Pillthrill
Bluelighter
Yeah I'm doing pretty well. Pretty happy. I just wanted to share that I'm making progress and had no idea where to put it...
mrs_mia_wallace
Bluelighter
beckylee sorry, I was going to respond to the latter part of your post-- I think you know the anwser to that yes the ED behavior is related to feeling bad about yourself, but you really can't wait for yourself to feel better to start tackling those behaviors (especially if you're still purging because that is SO incredibly damaging to your body, way more than restricting or any other behavior ). Personally, I don't think there is any way to feel better about yourself as long as you're engaging in any ED behavior, bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive eating, but I guess it's different for everyone. My advice is, take it or leave it-- if the idea of ceasing to purge entirely is too difficult, and entering a short-term treatment facility where someone can force you to stop isn't an option, start with making small goals to stop the binge/purge cycle and make bigger ones as you go along. For me, no matter how much better I am feeling and what issues I'm addressing outside the ED my behaviors don't decrease because the result of that (gaining weight, feeling full and bloated) make me so miserable.
Me and my mother can't stop fighting about food since she got got back (Saturday). Sunday we got into a fight because I threw out her chocolate croissants, tonight it was because I avoided dinner to not have to eat her preserved duck (confit de canard) and wouldn't eat these chocolate cake things that take four hours or something to make because she has to make EVERYTHING from scratch. I hate the way she is with food, I don't understand why there is always a fucking array of sweets or why one person would devote so much of their life to cooking. If I don't eat her food she literally starts crying and it's driving me fucking crazy. Her habit of shoving food in my face makes me so angry that I don't want to eat to spite her, and I'm in constant fear being around all this food. And she has no many weird eating disorder shit of her own I feel like we're almost competing half the time.
I feel like I just went back five years in my ED by coming home....
yes the ED behavior is related to feeling bad about yourself, but you really can't wait for yourself to feel better to start tackling those behaviors (especially if you're still purging because that is SO incredibly damaging to your body, way more than restricting or any other behavior ). Personally, I don't think there is any way to feel better about yourself as long as you're engaging in any ED behavior, bulimia, anorexia, or compulsive eating, but I guess it's different for everyone. My advice is, take it or leave it-- if the idea of ceasing to purge entirely is too difficult, and entering a short-term treatment facility where someone can force you to stop isn't an option, start with making small goals to stop the binge/purge cycle and make bigger ones as you go along. For me, no matter how much better I am feeling and what issues I'm addressing outside the ED my behaviors don't decrease because the result of that (gaining weight, feeling full and bloated) make me so miserable. Me and my mother can't stop fighting about food since she got got back (Saturday). Sunday we got into a fight because I threw out her chocolate croissants, tonight it was because I avoided dinner to not have to eat her preserved duck (confit de canard) and wouldn't eat these chocolate cake things that take four hours or something to make because she has to make EVERYTHING from scratch. I hate the way she is with food, I don't understand why there is always a fucking array of sweets or why one person would devote so much of their life to cooking. If I don't eat her food she literally starts crying and it's driving me fucking crazy. Her habit of shoving food in my face makes me so angry that I don't want to eat to spite her, and I'm in constant fear being around all this food. And she has no many weird eating disorder shit of her own I feel like we're almost competing half the time.
I feel like I just went back five years in my ED by coming home....
ditto girlfriend. sigh.
Now I am sober and I can feel my body. Fuck. I have a gut and I'm so tempted to not eat but my meds won't let me. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
New, I totally know how you feel. I've gained about 5kg this year and while I know it's healthy, it still feels absolutely disgusting sometimes.
Just think "healthy", not "skinny". If you've got a bit of a gut happening you can do a bit of exercise to trim it down. But I suspect that you look much healthier now than you did when you weren't sober