hey guys. how is everyone?
well, i had a massive change. my cousin kicked me out of the apartment and had a meltdown. as a result, i had to quit my job and move back in with my mom in the suburbs. one of the reasons she kicked me out was that i ate her food. the rest of the reasons were bullshit excuses for her having a panic attack. she said she needed a change and was moving and that it wasn't working out with the two of us. she just decided this in like 3 hours and didn't talk to me or explain or anything. she just told me to get in the car and that she was taking me to my mom's. after they all got done blaming me (because im the perpetual fuckup) her lunacy set in. she didn't give me time to find a new place and i had to give up my job and the little bit of a life that i had in the city. she finally apologized and i am worried about her. she makes crazy snap decisions all the time. now she says she's joining the air force. go figure. anyway, my mom is busting my hump over the food stuff. when i showed up at her house i hadn't eaten in 4 days. she force fed me tuna sandwiches. then i started to panic because it made my appetite come back. saturday was my nephew's 1st birthday and because of my past misadventures, my mom laid down the law. i feel horrible about my past stuff, especially my brother and his wife and son's stuff. i don't remeber the baby shower. i was on a speed binge and then i guess i went on a food binge and one of my sister-in-law's friends brought my behavior up to her. i didn't know that. because of my actions (another example - drinking 2 bottles of champaigne and eating a pan of lasagna at a christmas thing) i wasn't allowed to see the baby. my mom went out on a limb to reassure my brother that i was clean (i wasnt) and i finally got to see my nephew at christmas 9 months later. so, i was embarrassed about going to the birthday party because i had been such a fool at the shower. i already lost points with my brother because i quit my job. i wasn't allowed any wine and i was so self conscious eating. it went well but i was freaking out on the inside because i couldn't throw up my lunch. so, ive been having a hard time since i've been home. im trapped by binging and purging and my mom is not going to tolerate it. she'll either kick me out or make me go back into the hospital. i have a hard time eating regular meals without freaking out. then i eat more so i have enough to throw up. even when my intentions are good, it ends up bad. i won't be able to buy groceries till the end of the week and i know my mom is pissed about the stuff she bought last week. ive been hardcore purging. so much that im really dizzy and i know im dehydrated. im trying not to eat or to eat something small but i have a panic attack. ive lost a lot of weight and i want to keep going. i guess im having a problem with commiting to recovery. i understand that this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life and allegedly i can get over it. everytime i try to coax myself through "normal" meals and allowing myself to feed my body. i freak out. all i see is the fat on my body and i can't help but drive to get rid of it. im a chronic case and even with recovery, i want to cry and not settle for my body being gross. i know i sound childish. i know my actions upset other people. but unless im brainwashed, i can't stop thinking about food and my body all the time.
thanks for letting me vent...
Try to breathe through your panic attacks, you need to eat to live... Its basically just this internal struggle with part of your brain knowing you need to do what is best for you and the other saying omg your gonna get fat and all kind of horrible things. I know that feeling. You just try to be rational, changing your thinking is one of the most difficult things to do, but you have to in order to move on to change your behavior.
I probably look fine in one but looking fine is very different to not feeling overly self conscious hey? If you're feeling self conscious you could always wear a swim top and shorts?