TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

[belarki]

...Thanks for the support and kind words girlie. I wish I could get a huge from you too! Haha. But your support via web postings is helpful nonetheless and nice to hear ....

Haha I was a guy the last time I checked don't make me post in the lounge nudie thread to prove it

Will post a proper response next week when I'm back at work, hope all you dark siders are doing well!!!

 

[Pillthrill]

Since I've lost a lot of weight in about a year without any real changes in behavior.
I'm now on Megace 10mg daily to increase appetite and weight.

MEGACE Oral Suspension is indicated for the treatment of anorexia, cachexia, or an unexplained, significant weight loss in patients with a diagnosis of acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS).

Lets hope it helps. Dr. says once I start eating again I won't have to take it anymore. Should just be 2 bottles or so.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

glad you gave my response some thought...

 

[claire22]

I have an idea, if any of us are tempted to post weights/things you've eaten ETC then put it under NSFW tags with a clearly written warning before it.. stating that it may trigger.

Mia - I also sometimes buy food, stare at it and then saturate it with water and throw it out because I know if I don't then I will eat it. I just have to get rid of it. I haven't found any good ways to avoid binge eating because the moment I eat anything I'll eat everything. Unless you just have healthy food in the house but sometimes 'healthy' isn't so healthy; or I'll drive to the shops after eating something and buy heaps of carb-rich things. It sucks.

 

[xxkcxx]

I have an idea, if any of us are tempted to post weights/things you've eaten ETC then put it under NSFW tags with a clearly written warning before it.. stating that it may trigger.

I think this is a good idea, but I don't know, at the same time, I know it will be really tempting to look under those tags despite knowing it will be triggering.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

claire-- yeah, I have none either and so I'm the same way and usually have nothing in the house. I used to just buy food for the day, now I can buy for four days or so but I'm really picky about what I'll have, no sweets no carb-rich foods (corn torillas and rice are the only ones I'm comfortable with for some reason). Occasionally I will buy something sweet and carb-rich but I always end up throwing it out in fear or I binge on it. I'm usually OK with my roommates food but occasionally I've thrown some of it out as well

beckyless- aww thank you lovely that means a lot to me. I've always liked writing but never thought I was very good at it, I'm too ramble-y, haha... but I'm glad you enjoy reading my posts

belarki I am so sorry! for some reason I thought I looked at your profile and it said male... ugh... I apologize

 

[belarki]

belarki I am so sorry! for some reason I thought I looked at your profile and it said male... ugh... I apologize

Teehee it does say male, and I am male, you called me girlie in the prior post though No need to apologise, it gave me a laugh! I thought you were in your 30s after all and for a 21 year old I'm sure that's worse. Maybe I should put a real pic in my profile?..... you can all add me on facebook if you use it, though I pretty much only log on to play scrabble.

I can completely relate to your selective food buying clare and mia! You should see my pantry and fridge... brown rice, lentils, a ton of herbs and spices, and some fresh fruit and veges. Alcohol is my one dietary vice at the moment. I just can't trust myself with "normal" food. Fuck I'm hopeless

I really hate it when people give me food as a gift like chocolate etc (damn easter) as I can't bear to have it around and usually throw it out. Better to throw it out then eat it and throw it up though right?

.. haven't found any good ways to avoid binge eating because the moment I eat anything I'll eat everything...

Again I'm the same. As soon as I eat something I feel disgusting/guilty, decide that justifies eating more and then purging, then it's all over. It's like I've lost the ability to eat a little bit and feel satiated?

...but meth seriously just makes me feel OK like nothing ever will I don’t think. It’s not that I even just like it because it stops me from being hungry, but it completely erases any thoughts of food from my brain… and it helps me a lot with not being so obsessed with my body because it just makes me feel better about myself… but it also fucks with my eating way more than it does help....

But I’m not even thinking seriously about entering treatment at the moment I honestly just really want to find a NEW therapeutic method of dealing with EDs because I feel like eleven years of therapy has done nothing for me, and either I’m incurable, not doing something right which by this point I find hard to believe, or the methods that have been drilled into me don’t work for me.

Meth is a mixed blessing for me too. I always feel ravenous for days after a binge and so lethargic I rarely exercise in those few days either. I doubt you're incurable, I just don't think you've found a good enough reason to stop caring about food yet.

Let me know if you do find something that works for your ED or if anyone has any advice for me. I'm seeing a psychiatrist & on antidperessants but feel I'm making no ground... I managed okay for a couple of years when living with my last partner as she monitored my eating extremely closely and had zero tolerance for purging. Now that I've been by myself for a while again I'm a mess and back to square one.

Sorry if all of this is rambling and better placed in a blog?

P.S. mia, kc, claire, beckylee, pt, you are all beautiful!

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

^I know sorry, I meant to type "for some reason I thought i looked at your profile and it said female" I'm just messing up all over the place, haha

the only method that semi-works for me is to measure out EXACTLY what I'm going to eat calorically, and to never make more than I would have and eat it in a room not the kitchen. I've found that i don't realize i'm full until like 20-40 minutes after i've eaten, which is why I HAVE to do the extensive "plan." but even sometimes then i end up binging...

meth is a blessing for me because not only am i not hungry on it but i dont even think about food. but yeah when i comedown i eat like a crazy person, and so that's why i go on 4 week long binges before coming down, and when i do not for more than a day.

 

[Pillthrill]

Sean can be so sweet. He is so excited that I'm on the new medication and I'm wanting to eat. He tells me I'm beautiful but after some more weight he will have to beat guys off with a stick. haha rrright.
He got sick of me looking in the mirror and saying negative things that HE COVERED IT UP! I never knew how often I looked in it! He says it seems I'm in a constant battle...my reaction to myself is positive or negative and different every time. Mostly mirrors its negative and pictures that he has taken of me, I am amazed at how small and sick I look.
Its like I'm at war with myself and I don't even know it most of the time.
We have even changed the way we talk. I can't say that I'm fat. I don't need to put more fat or weight on as he says, I need to "get healthier" that is my goal that we have set for me and really for myself, to get healthier.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate this life. I hate this fucking existence.

 

[JoFace]

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate this life. I hate this fucking existence.

Mia - I love reading your posts as well. Along with your writing, you remind me of my sister so much my heart breaks for you.
This post sounds so desperate, so close to breaking down. My sister has been in the same place as you many times and somehow manages to claw her way out, I hope you can too. You seem such a beautiful person, helpful and insightful. I wish you could see that. You seem pretty damn loved on bluelight too.
Anyway, I know my ramblings won't help how you feel but I just had to say I empathise with the torment you're going throught and sincerely hope you find yourself in a healthier happier place one day (this goes for the rest of you ED posters as well ) and I have every confidence that you will.

 

[New]

There is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not quite out yet, but I know it's there. I've been using the 12 Steps to help with my ED(Hi, my name is New and I have an Eating Disorder), and they work, much to my surprise. I feel I have an extra issue because I don't have a traditional day, so I'm pretty much forced to rely on my digestive system for when I'm hungry, something I'm eternally grateful for. I try not to weigh myself, but sometimes Publix Grocery Stores happen and I cringe and thank God that I've managed to maintain a healthy body weight. I just don't need to know anymore. But it is hard in a way, now that I'm actually spending money on food.

 

[xxkcxx]

I hate this, I hate myself, I hate this life. I hate this fucking existence.

Mia, I love you hun...you are definitely one of my fav. BLers and if you can't love yourself right now I, and I'm sure many other BLers here, will love you enough for yourself!


I've realized that while I ALWAYS have issues with body image and food, the worst of my ED behaviors (and self-injury and depression) come out when I am PMSing...it happens every freakin' month but every month I don't realize until a few days/a week later I get my period...then it all makes sense.

Is this what I always see commercials for? PMDD or something like that? I should look that up/talk to my doctor about it...

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Thanks for the kind words and support guys

I heard from my therapist today-- basically he told me that I'm reading everything wrong, he doesn't not want to continue treatment, but that I seem to be opposed to every method of treatment and if I want to just go to therapy and talk about my issues and not take active steps to remedy them, I need to find a different therapist.

I don't know. I am just sick of it all, sick of thinking about my body all the time, sick of counting every calorie, sick of not being able to buy food, sick of being hungry all the time and not letting myself eat, sick of not being able to eat in fear of binging, sick of binging, sick of spending all my $ on drugs, sick of meth, sick of my life revolving around meth, sick of how much more fucked up my relationship with food has become because of meth, sick of the highs and lows, sick of all my relationships falling apart, sick of feeling like shit all the time. And now being suspended and possibly losing my job, my only source of income and way to pay for ANYTHING, my life is just fucking shattered.

I have tried his methods of treatment and they work until I start to gain weight. Then I'm so consumed with that I can't even function, leave the house, get dressed in the morning, do anything. And so I come back to this. And maybe I should just keep forcing myself to function despite feeling like I can't leave the house ten pounds heavier, but that existence is not any less of a hell than this. I still isolate, not wanting to go out and be seen, am miserable every moment I'm at work, can't even walk around the house in normal clothes. At least the ED there's something to hold on to, something I can fall back on.

But I can't take this anymore, this complete misery and aloneness and constant guilt and obsesison with food, this drug destroying me. But I'm not strong enough to get better and keep it up, I don't have the mental or physical ability to do so. So it's my fault I'm here after so long and have no hope in changing, this is so hopeless I really just want to crawl in a hole and die.

 

[belarki]

...I don't know. I am just sick of it all, sick of thinking about my body all the time, sick of counting every calorie, sick of not being able to buy food, sick of being hungry all the time and not letting myself eat, sick of not being able to eat in fear of binging, sick of binging, sick of spending all my $ on drugs, sick of meth, sick of my life revolving around meth, sick of how much more fucked up my relationship with food has become because of meth, sick of the highs and lows, sick of all my relationships falling apart, sick of feeling like shit all the time. And now being suspended and possibly losing my job, my only source of income and way to pay for ANYTHING, my life is just fucking shattered....

But I can't take this anymore, this complete misery and aloneness and constant guilt and obsesison with food, this drug destroying me. But I'm not strong enough to get better and keep it up, I don't have the mental or physical ability to do so. So it's my fault I'm here after so long and have no hope in changing, this is so hopeless I really just want to crawl in a hole and die.

Please don't do anything rash. You are a valued and loved member of this community! As kc said, "if you can't love yourself right now I, and I'm sure many other BLers here, will love you enough for yourself!". You have to believe that you are strong enough to change. Your situation isn't hopeless, you still have options. PM me if you need to chat or just vent.

 

[xxkcxx]

OK...I'm feeling negative right now.

There are a few BLers who are thinking of coming to my area for my bday.

I'm not trying to sound conceited about this, but a lot of the guys on BL that I talk to on AIM or whatever seem to always want to hook up with me lol or are at least hoping the possibility might come up if we meet.

Problem is, I hate my body, and I get really worried that despite the fact I have posted pics, that they will see me in RL and be disgusted.

I'm not saying that I want to hook up with any of them or would because I am not into casual sex, but everyone wants to be wanted, and it would definitely hurt me to have them see me and suddenly all the flirting stops.

It makes me want to do all sorts of those behaviors I'm trying to stay away from...restricting and over-exercising mainly. But at the same time...I know that I could look sickly and still not think I'm small enough because I have been there. It's just not in the cards at the moment for me to have a healthy body image.

 

[Pillthrill]

My hair is falling out again. I'm not sure if its stress or the lack of vitmains...but if I take the pills without eating I throw it up, or even just not eating enough which undos what I tried so hard to do. What do you all think?

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Someone's pretty self absorbed....

Belarki-- thanks for the kind words. I am holding on by a thread right now but still holding on I guess. I've never felt this horrible and hopeless before, I'm almost glad to not have a job because I really just want to spend however long before I become homeless in a bed...

xxkcxx- you are gorgeous hun no one is going to change their mind when they see you. 8) I know everyone says this and it sounds like bullshit but it's not about what you look like it's how you carry yourself... you could have the most perfect body in the world but if you don't walk around with some confidence and self assurance no one's even going to look at it

 

[Pillthrill]

I'm sorry if you feel that way Mia. I guess I just wanted a responseor acknowledgement. I should know better than that....I think the change in thinking is a great idea.
I haven't been really offering advice to others like I should be...I'm sorry from this post on I will try harder.

 

[Pillthrill]

Thank you Mia for pointing that out. I guess I'm a but tired and wasn't putting in the energy into the DS that I should You get what you give and I shouldn't need validation from others.

I'm not sure if anything like what I am going to say has been posted but I stumbled across this and felt the need to share my story.

I am an athlete, and have always been a little bit bigger and never had a problem with it. But at the start of last year I noticed that everyone was getting bigger while I was staying short, so I was approached to play a different position. I had to drop about 30 pounds to fit the weight class they wanted. That isnt a problem with most players but I have an EXTREMELY slow metabolism. One day I went out for a meal and got food poisoning from it. I went home and vomited. Later that day I stepped on the scale and was happy to see that I had lost 3 pounds that day. I continued to lift and train as I normally do, perhaps ever moreso now. I weighed myself several days later and I was back to my previous weight.
*Side note* I work out twice a day 6 days a week, I do 1-2 hours of cardio and 1-1.5 hours of lifting, I also eat 6 small meals a day, each with high protein and 3 of which are high in carbs*
After exercising harder than usual for about a month I had only lost 8 pounds, which obviously was not enough, I thought back to the day I had food poisoning. The idea became more appealing and I went to the bathroom and made myself throw up, and was once again happy with the results. That was about 8 months ago. I made it under the weight that I was supposed to but after the season ended I couldnt stop making myself sick. I eat constantly, from boredom and impulsiveness mainly, not really because i'm hungry, and after I do I feel guilty and I find a way to get away to make myself vomit and now I can't stop doing it, and my family is beginning to notice little things.(Little bits of vomit in the toilet, bags missing etc) and I have no idea what to do, I just cant lose the weight any other way..

I've always had a problem with athletes having to lose weight rapidly in order to fit into their weight class, like in wrestling. I find that it is just asking for disordered eating. Can I ask, are you male or female and what sport was this?