Cocaine doing coke alone

[Passable_rock]

My dealer has asked me to store some for him at my house. I said no. I'm honestly starting to think he wants me to OD. If I had boxes of that around me I'd be dead in a week or so. Plus I don't fancy prison, or worse getting robbed and owing him. Obviously I can't mention money but the yellow stuff is a wallet breaker. Well, in my case a loan breaker. Only place I've seen yellow stuff is in Brazil. I'm sending a tiny sample to be tested because I'm genuinely interested in the purity. There is coke going around the UK that's 80+ purity it's been on the news and we'd because people have been dying from it and that stuff is white.

My dealer is either really looking after me or has done secret grudge against me and wants me to OD. Tbh he has warned me about the strength and told me to go easy even with half a gram. I might bash it myself. Definitely sending a sample to be tested just out of curiosity as regards how pure it is. All my dealer said is no one anywhere near our area has got this quality. See what I mean, he's either sorting me out or wants me dead. But, I don't have to have it so it's on me. Every time I tell him I'm trying to stop he magically pulls some of the good good out the bag, but it's never still had a yellow tint.

Is that still the same dealer you've been mentioning a lot before? That childhood ''friend''? I use quotes here because an actual friend wouldn't do that. Especially with him knowing you have been trying to stop for a while now and how deeply addicted you are, and then proposing you to ''store'' some at your place? Sorry but that right there is just so awful to me You already had lots of difficulty not hitting him up to buy some when you said you wouldn't, while he knew that. And now you made great progress and having someone else manage your funds, he wants to store a ''dealer's amount'' amount of coke directly at your place, just you alone with that big stash. He's setting you up for failure, that was clearly a trap to get you to relapse, that's absolutely on par with his track record. You need to remove that person from you life completely.

Don't take it personally, this isn't against you, I just can't stand that kind of vile behaviour. We haven't met irl but I care weirdly a lot about you, and I feel it in my blood when such things are happening to the people I'm rooting for

 

[jessepinkman779]

I started reading this thread and it was very engaging. I read til page 7 or so then skipped to the end. I'm glad you're still heading in a positive direction JP.
One thing I don't see being discussed unless I missed it is why you are an addict? Is there childhood trauma you need to deal with? Until you work through that and reprogram your brain you'll never heal. It's possible but the odds are low hence the low recovery rate. It's like a self destruct button deep inside.
I think if you stopped cold turkey it'd take at least 6 months for your brain to start to recover and feel normal. The best thing is to get as fit and healthy as possible first.
Teach your body to release endorphins. Put your number 1 priority each day to work out, sweat and get stronger. I would highly recommend carnivore diet plus fruit. You can feel as good as you do high while sober but it takes a lot of time.
Recovery can only happen through other people. Do you have any good influences to lean on?
Is your current dealer still your childhood friend or someone else? They sound really awful for you.
If I was you id try to do Ibogaine therapy if you have the money? I think it's good for any addiction or just opiates?
Edit: just checked and Ibogaine can stop coke addiction. Do it if you can!!!

I do have childhood trauma issues. I have Borderline personality disorder. So, I'm hoping to work through said issues with the psychotherapist. I'm back to using my main dealer now, but a friend of mine holds it for me and gives me half a gram a day. Hopefully the psychotherapist can help me get to the bottom of my childhood issues. I'm guessing it's going to be a long road to walk, but possibly the most important thing I've ever done.

 

[jessepinkman779]

Is that still the same dealer you've been mentioning a lot before? That childhood ''friend''? I use quotes here because an actual friend wouldn't do that. Especially with him knowing you have been trying to stop for a while now and how deeply addicted you are, and then proposing you to ''store'' some at your place? Sorry but that right there is just so awful to me You already had lots of difficulty not hitting him up to buy some when you said you wouldn't, while he knew that. And now you made great progress and having someone else manage your funds, he wants to store a ''dealer's amount'' amount of coke directly at your place, just you alone with that big stash. He's setting you up for failure, that was clearly a trap to get you to relapse, that's absolutely on par with his track record. You need to remove that person from you life completely.

Don't take it personally, this isn't against you, I just can't stand that kind of vile behaviour. We haven't met irl but I care weirdly a lot about you, and I feel it in my blood when such things are happening to the people I'm rooting for

Thank you. My dealer just popped round and just messaged me saying come outside. I went out and he just wanted to show me his new car. Then, he said do you want anything. As I said above: I've been having half a gram a day, but when I just saw my dealer and he asked if I wanted anything I said, yes a baller please.

 

[KetWise]

If I really need to do this I'll do it alone I cant get asked to manage a troop of carpet surfers

 

[jessepinkman779]

I've not been on a cocaine anonymous meeting for about a week either. The meetings just seem to make my cravings worse. I have met some very nice people who have overcome cocaine addiction so I think I just need to put more effort into the meetings. The meetings are on zoom so I haven't got any excuse not to attend. I lost a very close friend last week, he bought coke laced with fentanyl and it killed him. That knocked me about a bit, but it's also made me think how easily I could go. I used to get his coke off my dealer saying it was for me, but since dropping to half a gram a day I told him I couldn't get it anymore. So I feel partly responsible for his death, but he had been pushing the boundaries for years mixing uppers and downers, hardly sleeping or eating. Still, he's a massive loss to me. I felt he was the only friend I had who truly understood me. And, if I ever did want to session with someone he was available 24/7. He's left a 6 year old daughter and his partner. He was worth a lot of money so they will never have to worry about that, but like me, I'm certain they'd rather have him back. He was 48 years old. They found midazolom in his system too though so only he and god knows what he'd mixed all together. I've only seen midazolom once before and that's when another friend was terminally ill with cancer they've gave him that most days I'm assuming to help him cope psychologicaly because he absolutely fell to bits when he was diagnosed like most people would. He had back ache for 3 weeks, went and got it checked out because he also had MS sand 3 days later got told he'd got 18 months to live. He was dead 4 weeks later at the age of 50. Anyway, his widow gave me some amps of midazolom but I binned them after reading about that medication. The insomnia medication from what I read. I've lost 4 friends in as many years. There's 2 of us left out of that group. I'm trying but need to try harder and my other friend is clean aside from weed. I mean it's fucking Monday and I'm having a baller just because my dealer came to show me his new car. On one hand he sells to me because he doesn't want me buying dangerous contaminated coke, but on the other hand we've been friends since childhood. I just can't work out if we're still friends, or if he just enjoys having me on the hook. He certainly doesn't need my custom. He hasn't ever sold me dodgy coke though and I do trust him in that regard. Plus, anywhere I am he'll drop to me and at any time. I've said before but the minimum order off him is 4 and a half ounce. So he's either doing me smaller amounts because he genuinely doesn't want me buying bad coke. Or, he's enjoying the control. I can't work him out because when I see him we chat about life in general once he's passed me my coke. And we can be chatting for a while. He obviously trusts me with information regarding his business, but asking me to store stuff for him was cheeky to say the least. I'd have snorted loads of it, or got robbed and had to repay it. My other friend who only smokes weed said your dealer stopped being your friend when he started selling you an ounce per week you just can't see it, but everyone else can.

 

[lost weekend]

I've not been on a cocaine anonymous meeting for about a week either. The meetings just seem to make my cravings worse. I have met some very nice people who have overcome cocaine addiction so I think I just need to put more effort into the meetings. The meetings are on zoom so I haven't got any excuse not to attend. I lost a very close friend last week, he bought coke laced with fentanyl and it killed him. That knocked me about a bit, but it's also made me think how easily I could go. I used to get his coke off my dealer saying it was for me, but since dropping to half a gram a day I told him I couldn't get it anymore. So I feel partly responsible for his death, but he had been pushing the boundaries for years mixing uppers and downers, hardly sleeping or eating. Still, he's a massive loss to me. I felt he was the only friend I had who truly understood me. And, if I ever did want to session with someone he was available 24/7. He's left a 6 year old daughter and his partner. He was worth a lot of money so they will never have to worry about that, but like me, I'm certain they'd rather have him back. He was 48 years old. They found midazolom in his system too though so only he and god knows what he'd mixed all together. I've only seen midazolom once before and that's when another friend was terminally ill with cancer they've gave him that most days I'm assuming to help him cope psychologicaly because he absolutely fell to bits when he was diagnosed like most people would. He had back ache for 3 weeks, went and got it checked out because he also had MS sand 3 days later got told he'd got 18 months to live. He was dead 4 weeks later at the age of 50. Anyway, his widow gave me some amps of midazolom but I binned them after reading about that medication. The insomnia medication from what I read. I've lost 4 friends in as many years. There's 2 of us left out of that group. I'm trying but need to try harder and my other friend is clean aside from weed. I mean it's fucking Monday and I'm having a baller just because my dealer came to show me his new car. On one hand he sells to me because he doesn't want me buying dangerous contaminated coke, but on the other hand we've been friends since childhood. I just can't work out if we're still friends, or if he just enjoys having me on the hook. He certainly doesn't need my custom. He hasn't ever sold me dodgy coke though and I do trust him in that regard. Plus, anywhere I am he'll drop to me and at any time. I've said before but the minimum order off him is 4 and a half ounce. So he's either doing me smaller amounts because he genuinely doesn't want me buying bad coke. Or, he's enjoying the control. I can't work him out because when I see him we chat about life in general once he's passed me my coke. And we can be chatting for a while. He obviously trusts me with information regarding his business, but asking me to store stuff for him was cheeky to say the least. I'd have snorted loads of it, or got robbed and had to repay it. My other friend who only smokes weed said your dealer stopped being your friend when he started selling you an ounce per week you just can't see it, but everyone else can.

Unfortunately there are no real friends in that particular business, especially when money becomes tight ,money lending causes issues without drugs but with them makes it 10x worse ,I know this is not an issue to you ,but lots of coke dealers use paying customers to lay on those that can't pay for a week
It a viscous cycle

 

[jessepinkman779]

Unfortunately there are no real friends in that particular business, especially when money becomes tight ,money lending causes issues without drugs but with them makes it 10x worse ,I know this is not an issue to you ,but lots of coke dealers use paying customers to lay on those that can't pay for a week
It a viscous cycle

At the moment it is me. My family have full access to my money so everything I have off my dealer is on a bill/tab. So I'm actually in debt for coke at the moment. My family will use my money for things like the psychotherapist, but not for coke. I don't know how deep I'm in debt yet, but he knows I'm good for it when I can access my money. He knows he'll get his money at some point so he isn't bothered. Although he has asked for a few favours that I'm definitely not doing. I'd rather go to my family and say this debt needs paying asap or I'm on the hook to clear my bill in other ways. He's asked me to accompany him on a pick up, I said I'm just a customer and I want to keep it that way. I don't want the people he deals with knowing I exist. I have been before but that was people I already knew. I think he's actually loving me having no cash in fully dependant on him. It's my own money I do t come from a family with money. I come from nothing, rock bottom. I just did okay for myself and I'm comfortable. But, I had nothing growing up, or indeed in my 20's.

 

[jessepinkman779]

Just messaged him about my bill. He just said don't worry about that just enjoy your night.

 

[lost weekend]

At the moment it is me. My family have full access to my money so everything I have off my dealer is on a bill/tab. So I'm actually in debt for coke at the moment. My family will use my money for things like the psychotherapist, but not for coke. I don't know how deep I'm in debt yet, but he knows I'm good for it when I can access my money. He knows he'll get his money at some point so he isn't bothered. Although he has asked for a few favours that I'm definitely not doing. I'd rather go to my family and say this debt needs paying asap or I'm on the hook to clear my bill in other ways. He's asked me to accompany him on a pick up, I said I'm just a customer and I want to keep it that way. I don't want the people he deals with knowing I exist. I have been before but that was people I already knew. I think he's actually loving me having no cash in fully dependant on him. It's my own money I do t come from a family with money. I come from nothing, rock bottom. I just did okay for myself and I'm comfortable. But, I had nothing growing up, or indeed in my 20's.

Me to ,I'm fortunate to be in a position that my wife supported me,but she still dosnt know full story ,I tell my Councillor things I would never tell my wife which is good
I know or knew folk that were strictly cash only cos they had used up everything they had and would drive around with no mot or tax because any cash they got would be spent on one thing only
Your right ,that's when they start getting involved in 24hrs pick up and drop off to drunks at 3 am just to get the scrapings from whats left on worktop
It's a terrible thing to see

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Dealer sounds like a piece of work to me - in no way is he your 'friend'. No chance.

 

[jessepinkman779]

Me to ,I'm fortunate to be in a position that my wife supported me,but she still dosnt know full story ,I tell my Councillor things I would never tell my wife which is good
I know or knew folk that were strictly cash only cos they had used up everything they had and would drive around with no mot or tax because any cash they got would be spent on one thing only
Your right ,that's when they start getting involved in 24hrs pick up and drop off to drunks at 3 am just to get the scrapings from whats left on worktop
It's a terrible thing to see

It's terrible just thinking about it isn't it. My dealer bought another very expensive car today and all I thought was how much pain paid for it.

 

[jessepinkman779]

Dealer sounds like a piece of work to me - in no way is he your 'friend'. No chance.

I think I know this deep down I just won't accept it.