A few more things came to mind since my earlier post...
Along with many of the things already mentioned, which are basically all true....
a few more thoughts..
By the way, I've earned my stars. 6 Months of H, 6+ months of oxy (crushed, daily 400+mg a day)
Opiates were the last, and final class of drugs that I ever tried. I only say "last" because i've covered them all and there's none left.
I didnt puke the first time, or even the first few, yet did get high for sure.
My initial thoughts were .."thats it?" this is the top of the drug "food chain"?
Call me strange , because I am. But, when I tried H for the first time, it was because I wanted to experience H...and by "experience" I did NOT mean to simply take it and see how it feels.
By "experiening" it, I meant the "whole" thing... Try it, take it regularly, develop a physical depency, go through withdrawel.. I figured this would be approx. a 2-3 month situation.
I dont want to romanticize this too much, but, I kind of felt like DeNiro, when he gained 60 lbs. and learned to become a serious boxer as preparation for "Raging Bull".....oh how cool.
But, having tried all of the other "classes" of drugs prior to this, many of which I had those "WOW" moments, where it was all too much, opiates never got me there...
My basic feeling was.."its not great, it dosnt suck, its ok..
But, I did the "whole" deal as I planned.
Nobody ever talks about the middle ground experiences...I guess because they are pretty rare.
Its usually either..." I tried it and it was SO great, I had to stop it right there, because I knew I would be in big trouble"...
or, that othe story, where it starts small, you find you cant stop thinking about it, eventually take it all the time, become a junkie, lose all of your family, friends, money, etc. etc.
But, sometimes there really is a very non-eventful experience..
I did what I set out to do. deliberately took it everyday, got physically dependent, took careful notes on the whole thing, good, bad, ugly, then said ok, lets go. I'll take a deep breath and be a big boy and close this thing down..
It wasnt part of the plan, but, I sort of cheated my way out....
I had saved a whole bunch of the "bags" that it came in, and there was a drop left in each one.
So, everyday, for about 2 weeks I took one snort. Maybe 2 times a day...
I never felt sick when I did it. and those 2 tiny hits were not enough to get me high.
But, I remember everyday, digging through a bunch of them and scraping out just enough for maybe 1 hit, until i ran out, and that was it...
I was NEVER going out to the "street" to find a contact again.
I got lucky. I managed to get out of it without any withdrawel...
I know this sounds insane, but, I was kinda ppissed off, because I wanted to really go through the whole experience from start to finish. I only got pices of it..
But, some of the things that happened along the way...to make special note of..
and these things didnt happen in any big dramatic way. They were just there, in the backround, and I took note of them.
For starters, I have always had a number of things in life that got me VERY, high..
Girls....meeting them, falling in love (no drug can touch it), the sex (obviously), and everything else.
I started young, got hooked on it, and it was always at the top of my list.
well, during the opiate phase, it was wiped out. I could give a shit about woman....when I would walk down the street, all i would see was "people" NOT woman, and men. Just people.
So, my greatest joy was deleted from my life...
I've been running since I'm 14....it always got me SO fucking high...
gone, deleted..
and, the insidious part was that if I wasnt paying attention like I was, these things all happened on such a subtle level, that you just would never even notice.
I never got near the point of going to "hell" and losing it all....money, friends, etc....I had, at least on the surface, a benign experience. I guess if I kept going for another 6 months- 1 year or something, I would have worked myself to that point. But, what was the point. I saw enough of what I set out to.
I could go on about many more things just like the "woman and running" that I mentioned, but, the point is, that one by one, without you even noticing, everything in your life that ever brought you any "real" joy, deleted..I didnt get there all the way, but, I saw how it evolves.
EVERY drug is SO fucking fantastic the first few times. Look at coke,...FANTASTIC at first until you evolve to the point where you ONLY crash when you do it...
Its all about brain chemistry...
You dont have a choice....Your brain chemistry is what it is, and it will take you where its gonna take you. Period.
The path there is different for each class of drugs, because they play with a different part of the chemistry...
So, you cant do drugs forever. You can only go through the motions. and after you have blown out the receptors that give you the good stuff,...they dont come back...its over....you are basing your actions simply on some great memory of how it used to be..
and while you are doing it, you dont get to do anything else because all of the other good stuff has been deleted.
I'm not saying this as some kind of warning story.. I'm sure it sounds like it though...
I'm just relaying my own, very uneventful, undramatic story...
Its been about a year and I dont think about, or desire it anymore...
I'm getting laid too much to.