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Mental Health Depression MEGA Thread - DepressionTalk + Over 100 Links of Info

sick of fear

I do not feel comfortable trying to explain myself but I am in need of a divine deliverance from fear and deep sorrow and hurt. I have so many barriers around my heart from being hurt emotionally, mentally, and physically that I wonder if I will ever feel joy again without drugs. I am stuck in a debilitating fear of life. I do get panic attacks and severe depression and I use pain pills to cope. I once was free from drug addiction, and its got me defeated once again. I have a so small window of hope, when I think of it I feel even more sadness because of the way I just ended up. I want to get back right and I know I need to do, but I have trust issues big time. I want so much to really know and believe that God has better plans for me than this and will help me pull through. Then I get fearful as if He might reject me. What is wrong with me? Everyone else I associate with has either gotten past this barrier or never had these issues. i feel so alone and scared. What should I do? Just lay here and die, keep running in circles and ticking people off? The truth is I have so much concern and love for my family, but they will probably never realize it beacause thay just think I am crazy. They think that when I was baptized and filled with the Holy Ghost with evidence of speaking in other tongues that I joined a cult, but I KNOW its not,and that it is true. Can I ever get through this, in this lifetime? .Please Reply
 
^Have you seen a Dr. about your feelings?
Are all of your anxiety attacks/depression all religious based or focused on God "rejecting" you?
Do you go to church? I am assuming you are Christian or Catholic?
If you are against seeing a Dr. for some reason, you may want to talk to your preacher about your feelings......
Hope you work through it soon.
Try to keep your head up!
 
Time for me to post in here I guess.

I've been running from my problems since I was about 15. My father was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. Throughout that time I became a daily marijuana user. Other drugs followed in due time, speed, mushrooms, MDMA, LSD, K, etc. Developed a latent meth habit, which luckily due to minimal funds remained mainly a bi-monthly thing. Drink too much when on other drugs. I don't think I have properly grieved for him yet. I am 22 now.

Ended up having a psychotic episode during/after an outdoor festival. The psychosis has ended now (thanks to DMT, believe it or not) but I am left with lasting depression, suicidial ideation. I find it hard to get motivated to get out of bed and into the day. I was due to enrol in my honours year in Lit at University, gave it a few tutorials/seminars but realised I just don't have the motivation required at the moment. Also due to my breakdown decided to change my thesis topic at the last minute and researching a whole new topic on top of other subjects was just looking like too much work. I just sent emails off now to put it off til next year.

Due to the breakdown as well I have pretty much lost my casual job. So I have nothing to do really except mope around the house. I have been reading a lot of novels but that is probably just more escapism.

A memory of being sexually abused when I was younger also surfaced during this breakdown (although the memory popped into my head randomly about a year or so before, I didn't properly associate it with myself until recently. I'm not even 100% sure it happened, but why else would I have a memory of it?)

Anyway, I'm at a bit of a loss. I understand from reading a few pages of this thread and from other friends/professional advice that a routine, exercise etc are all steps in the right direction. To be honest though, its very hard not just to wallow in bed and read.
I saw a psychiatrist briefly during my breakdown/afterwards, but didn't find talking to him helped all that much. It did a tiny bit, but he seemed a bit too eager to put me straight on anti-psychotics, and I didn't build up much of a rapport with him. Seeing a psychologist that my ex girl recommended (still trying to deal with our breakup as well, fuck I miss her) this Friday. Hopefully talking to her will be better than the shrink. Is it too late for grief counselling after nearly 7 years?

Sorry for the epic post. Man I'm glad that BL has this forum. Any/all advice appreciated. :)

Love and light
Psyco.
 
New Question

hey everyone. this thread has been a really beneficial resource for me as i navigate through the beginning steps of treating my anxiety and depression.

i have been put on effexor at a reletively low dose: 112.5... so far so good. this has been supplemented by a low dose benzo as needed.

my question is regarding some discussion i have heard about "brain zaps." what are they? can anyone describe what they feel like? the reason i ask this is because i have recently felt some vertigo/spin feelings that i can't account for.

any input would be appreciated. im starting to wonder??
 
^ The brain zaps are like a sudden burst of pins and needles in your head. Difficult to explain.

Anyway, I'm thinking of going back onto an SSRI in addition to my Wellbutrin. A psychiatrist I saw at the drug service said they can often work well together. I'm just getting tired of being so apathetic, unmotivated, and unable to enjoy life. It fucken sucks.
 
^thanks for the replay. yeah, im not convinced. this, for me, is definitely a vertigo feeling. but feelings are subjective so... im going to go see my dr tomorrow. all the stuff ive read online says that brain zaps usually happen when tapering off, which im not doing right now. so, weird.

anyhow, hm... i was on wellbutrin once to quit smoking. there sort of was a stimulating feeling, but turns out im allergic so my experience ended there. i hope you find a solution that fits your needs!
 
hey just found this thread. depression sucks. so does anxiety and Ocd . and getting off opiates....................i have about 99 problems and i dont know where to start..............anyone talk to me ?
 
Fuck I'm feeling depressed today, which for me is very odd. Normally I feel happy, and try to help people out and try to find the best in people whenever I encounter them, but today, I'm feeling down. It's odd because this weekend was the weekend where I didn't do any drugs other than caffeine, where I'd normally drink Alcohol, smoke some weed and do one other miscellaneous drug (DXM, MDMA, K, Coc, Codeine, Morphine, Percocet are the usuals..).

Well, I decided to do lines of MDMA right now even though I have school tomorrow, and I did it last weekend after a 2.5 month break (which I usually stick strictly to my breaks). Great.
 
jake99 said:
hey just found this thread. depression sucks. so does anxiety and Ocd . and getting off opiates....................i have about 99 problems and i dont know where to start..............anyone talk to me ?
Click to expand...

Feel free to pour your heart out - that's what this thread is for. I'm kinda in the same boat. I've got so many problems and no viable solutions.
 
Well shit's just hit the roof. My mom and brother got into this huge fight and she ended up calling the police after trying to kick him out. I'm still feeling like shit even though I railed four good MDMA lines 3 hours ago... and still nothing. It's tested MDMA too, so maybe I have no serotonin left because I'm fucking depressed. Nevertheless, I had to get out of the house before the police came, as I didn't want the police or my mom to see me on MDMA. My team is fucking up in hockey tonight, I can't sleep yet I'm not feeling anything out of the MDMA and overall everything is just shit. I have to wake up for another day of school tomorrow, which at 16 school isn't exactly the most fun thing, especially after being depressed and binging on MDMA.

So this brings us to school... fuck school. I like the people, and the people seem to like me back as I have tons of friends, but I hate the whole fucking clique-ness of the school. Everyone, and I mean everyone is a rich idiot who thinks their cool because they dress straight out of ambercrombie and finch and are on the rugby team. I hate saying shit like this because these people are supposed to be my friends, but they all have no personalities of their own and they all follow that sheep mentality. Hell, I'm considered one of the biggest stoners at the school, and I only fucking smoke 6-8 times a month. All these kids do is make fun of everyone who tries to express their personalities, or anyone really who looks different or doesn't drink.

And fuck drinking too. I went to two parties this weekend sober and I confirmed my suspicious that all these idiots really do look like fucking idiots when they drink. Like holy fuck learn your limits. I started drinking on a weekly basis in grade 7, and even back then I knew my limits and didn't make that big of a fool out of my self. All these assholes started drinking in fucking grade 9 or this year in grade 10, and they think they look cool because they get hammered every weekend and have this petty little stories of how they ditched a cab. If they're happy - whatever, good for them. But honestly, ditching cabs in real life really doesn't make you look cool, it's just being a fucking dick. Added to that, drinking every weekend isn't cool either - I have enough alcoholic friends to know that.

It's like my entire school lives in a little box. In History class, our teacher was explaining a lesson and for some reason, she started to draw a little map of Toronto (where we live) on the board, and asked people to name the streets of the general neighborhoods in Toronto. All the kids, except for me and my friend (who is probably one of my best friends at my school, and he is literally the exact opposite of me - but he expresses who he is as a person) couldn't name any of the major streets passed Woodbine - Queen - Danforth - Vic Park. Like seriously, they didn't even know where the fucking Don Valley Parkway was located. Anything outside their little box called "The Beaches" is non-existent to them. I know I've had more life experience than them - I've lived in 3 different continents and I've had enough shit happen to me that these idiots couldn't even image, but still.

I think it's time I get a girlfriend instead of ranting on BL. Too bad I literally have nothing in common with any of the girls at my school - nor do I have the courage to talk to them. Like shit, I can get a hook-up easy as hell, but an actual relationship? Nah. Not that I'm sure I even want a relationship with people who when you mention things like "Trance Music" or "House Music" or other different types of electronic they think of fucking LMFAO or Down With Webster. I really just want someone I can talk to on a real level. Too bad all the girls I have actually been able to talk to on a real level are a year-older than myself and have boyfriends (plus I no longer hang out with either, one scammed me for drugs and became a coc-head while the other switched schools and stopped being friends with who I'm friends with).

Well, I'm done ranting and I'm fucking tired and pissed off now, and I really just want to know, how does one start to deal with depression? (which, I think may have existed in my long ago, but I'm not just starting to show it). I'm seriously thinking about doing MDMA or Codeine tomorrow at school just to feel better, and I don't even smoke weed at school.
 
@K-Dazed
Doing more drugs at school won't make you feel better, it will just make it worse in the long run.
You say you need a gf or someone who you can talk to on a real level.
If you can't find that, a good alternative is finding something that you used to enjoy, like really enjoy, that you still can sober.
Playing an instrument, or sport, playing a video game or even reading a book. Doing these things won't cure the depression, but they will do their bit to keep your mind off things and clear your head. Hope life gets better for you mate I really do. Also you should be very careful using so many drugs at such a young age. It is very dangerous, and leeds to a more dangerous path.


Okay, onto my question.
My best mate is depressed, I'm not gonna get to into it, but his life is all fucked up at the moment, and his going down a dangerous path. He starting to see a therapist this week, his hoping to get on some Anti-depressants, but his also thinking about dropping out of uni.

I don't want him to drop out of uni, but I think at this point in time, reccomending he defers for awhile definately isn't a bad option. As far as anti-depressants go I know they can be pretty bad ass on the body.

So my two questions are this.
1: What can and can't he do once his on this sort of medication? Is there specific drugs/alcohol that simply should not be consumed.

2: On the 1st page of this thread there was heaps of links, but I'm uncertain of which ones are from Australia. Was just wondering if someoen knows some good aussie depression sites, that I can do further research and help guide my friend in the right direction.
 
Yeah, I know I shouldn't be doing all these drugs, and I usually keep them spaced out, but at the moment in life, I'd much rather feel empty than feel sad. I know that mindset is essentially a pathway leading towards addiction, but I'm just really confused, depressed and stressed.

@thestudent14

1. It all depends what his medication is. If he gets an SSRI, he should not be taking any medications that affect his 5-HTP receptors (no MDMA!). Some doctors say it is alright to consume alcohol, but they also say that the alcohol may be "amplified" in the bloodstream (so one drink may feel like two). If you feel tired or depressed when you consume alcohol, drinking along side an anti-depressant will amplify those feelings. Generally, if you're taking an SSRI along side drinking alcohol, it will just amplify the negative affects of the alcohol (depression, tiredness, motor skills, shaking, slower reaction times). Sexual dysfunction, lowered heart rate, blood pressure changes and headaches may happen as well. Some of these affects may not even show up if he drinks, but it's still best to make sure he knows what could happen. Added to that, many people experience less and less of these side-affects once they have taken and gotten used to the medication. Keep in mind that no one here on Bluelight is his doctor, so it's best that he takes this up with his doctor.
 
Yeah don't worry I'm not gonna tell him to against his doctors wish's or anything like that.
Just trying to get some advice mostly.

Well once he gets his meds I'll check back in here and let you guys know :)
Thx k-Dazed
 
The days are starting to wash together. I've just been sort of.. languishing lately. In a week I turn 21.. not like that means much. It feels like I've been stuck in the same ditch for a few years. My anxiety's back. The depression never lifted. I've fully lost pleasure in all my hobbies. Can't even remember the last time I talked to my friends. Completely screwed up with school... it would be miraculous if they allowed me back next year. Thought about going back into therapy and possibly trying some medicine a few times but I'm still unemployed and once again without insurance. I'm at a loss. Everything's falling apart.
 
Does anybody in therapy find that you feel worse after each session? I've just spent an hour with my drug counsellor, discussing not only my drug problems but all my problems in general. I'm now feeling pretty shit... I'm not finding it helpful at all. I have this entrenched belief that I'll never have a happy life, and sooner or later we all die, so what's the point in trying to succeed? I seem to be totally resistant to therapy. Nothing can break through that negative belief.
 
^^ Yep, it's pretty common to feel worse after therapy sessions. It's because you're being forced to bring your issues to the surface and to deal with them, when most of us tend to push our problems down and ignore them. So it makes sense that it hurts more to actually deal with it.

BUT, it's better for longer-term mental health if we work through our problems, which is the entire point of therapy :)

I know it feels shitty now Sweet P, but you'll feel better once you've dealt with your underlying issues. Try and stick with it okay? <3
 
^ Thing is, I've been in therapy (of one form or another) for a decade or more. I haven't had any major success with it - if anything, my life situation has become worse. I'm really tempted to quit. I didn't enter the drug service to have my BPD treated, which is what they seem to be trying to do. I entered the service to get help quitting drugs!
 
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