Been so down for about a month now (after the best weekend of my life, felt like it was a world made just for me), its been a perpetual comedown. I've always been depressed, I think going back to the time my dad passed away, but this time I'm completely alone (living off campus in college) and it's so easy to skive off class and wallow in absolutely nothing. I swear I'm gonna flunk out this semester. I don't have a passion at all.
Drinking helps, but the added anxiety isn't worth it and I don't have drug connects because I'm on the outskirts of town and basically live alone. I haven't had a boyfriend since my senior year of HS, and even then he was aloof and it was a weird dynamic. I swear I have exactly 2 friends I can talk to where I live right now. My best friend just tried to kill herself but failed and is now gonna live in Korea 'til the end of college... and I feel like a horrible friend because if I had checked up on her more I could have done something.
I just had to get that off my chest, ramblerambleramble..
Sorry I haven't been around I would have replied earlier. I'm sorry to hear you're not doing so good. Personally, seeing you say things about not having a connect and 'that drinking helps' makes me think that you are an addict waiting to happen (or are you already?). No offense by that, I just don't want you to think that drugs are going to make you any better - and that can also include SSRI's etc... Sometimes you just need to be able to talk to someone, and it sounds like loneliness is what's hurting you the most right now. That is a major problem for me right now as well.
I have 2 best friends, which I don't even hang out with much anymore since one is always busy, the other lives a bit away from me and I don't have my license (and wont for a while). My ex and I broke up about 9 months ago (1 year together) and have been with a few girls since then but no one I'm happy about being with... It sucks, a lot. I feel like I've gotten my mental stability back pretty much now, and I'm trying to get my shit together but it's like all the elements are against me at the moment.
I know exactly how you feel about college too. I lived on campus but it was an apartment and we did whatever we wanted. Had tons of people over, drank, smoked etc... I'm a really smart person but I failed to apply myself that semester (it was last semester) and I completely screwed up, dropped 2 classes and one had a lab so it was basically like 3 classes, and I ended up with 8 credits all together that semester with horrible grades (but passing).
This semester I was unable to go to school since I was in jail, how great does that sound? It sucks knowing all the things I've done in my life piled up and just totally screwed me over so badly. It really made me realize how much my actions effect not only the present, but the future as well very much so. I hope you can realize that maybe at the current moment things seem to be so horrible, but the best thing you can do is try and get through it all and do your best. When things do get better for you, you will be able to look back and smile and say "I tried and look at me now, things are better!"
If you ever need anyone to talk too, I'm all ears. My screename is in my profile, or you can always send me a PM.
I went off my anti depressants 3 months ago and am really scared to go back on them again but i'm slipping back into depression. It's a state that is to familiar. I don't want to be medicated again but i don't know if i have a choice. My drinking is the worst when i'm on anti depressants, i don't know why but my tolerance and cravings go through the roof.
I know what you mean, I hate knowing I have to take meds to feel 'right.' But honestly I tried lowering the dosages to one of my bipolar meds and after a month I started losing my stability again. And honestly, this is the best I've ever been my whole life I don't want to lose it. I would think long and hard about going back on your meds, and maybe if you still feel uncomfortable going back on them you can try some new med that hopefully wont make you feel the need to drink as much, or at all. I hope things go well for you.
Fucking depressed again. I guess I must have lowered my SSRI's too soon after my last episode, cos the depression has returned with a vengeance. I've stopped giving a fuck about everything. Why bother? Life is shit. Will probably smoke a lot of meth tonight and go out looking for a fight.
I know how you're feeling, been there. And it sucks hardcore. Your best bet is talking to your doc about everything and getting on a dosage of your meds that best suits you. If you can realize that it's your medications (well, lack of) that is making you feel this way, then maybe you will realize how much you truly need them. I'm not your doc though so I can't tell you if you do or not, but from what you've said it sounds like you could use them. Let us know how things work out for you. I wish you the best of luck.
Anyway, regarding myself... I'm doing alright but things are getting really hard for me right now. I owe so much money in fines, and my PO told me since I wont be able to pay them off by the time I get off of parole (which is only 4 1/2 months away, and they want $400+ a month from me) that I will have to violate, but I wont go to jail. Thing is though that means my parole is extended, which means my probation starts later, which means I'm in the grasp of the 'system' that much longer. Not to mention I have student loans, hospital bills, insurance, etc... I feel like I'm going to spend all my life paying back all of this crap. I can't take it at the moment, and since the holidays are coming up I feel like shit that I can't afford to really buy anyone a present. I guess I'll have to make some macaroni pictures and send them out to everybody, haha.
Anyway, hope we all can get our shit together - I know we're all tired of feeling the way we do, so let's think positive and see what happens!
-dp
) which is just our minds fine tuning our routines ultimately. Find a positive routine, and start taking steps forward, and with time (must be patient, which I've had trouble with my whole life but now am doing much better) you will find your brain refining the routine to keep up with your positive thought process. Which in turn, will make you a happier person overall. It's a lot easier than it sounds, I promise.
If you need someone to talk to, im here ok 